User:JesseW/Dr. Mudge And The Patent Pig-Killing And Sausage-Making Machine

Dr. Mudge And The Patent Pig-Killing And Sausage-Making Machine

from Oddities and Curiosities of Words and Literature, collected by C. C. Bombaugh (who died in 1906); attributed to a newspaper which mixed up two stories with, "something like this" as "the appalling result":

Several of the Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him yesterday, and after a brief conversation the unsuspicious pig was seized by the hind legs and slid along a beam until he reached the hot water tank. His friends explained the object of their visit and presented him with a very handsome gold-headed butcher, who grabbed him by the tail, swung him round, slit his throat from ear to ear, and in less than a minute the carcass was in the water. Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered one; and for that reason he would not attempt to do more than thank those around him for the manner in which such a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing. The Doctor concluded his remarks when the machine seized him, and in less time than it takes to write it, the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausages. The occasion will long be remembered by the Doctor's friends as one of the most delightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound; and we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely.

(Copied from Xenofilkia #70, April 2000, published by Lee Gold, http://thestarport.com/xeno/ )