User:Aliwood/Dibbler's Diary

Dibbler's Diary - A Tale of Squirrel Folk

As told by Dibbler, official DP drinks squirrel

Thursday 23rd August 2007

I can't find them, they're here somewhere. I've searched all over that P2alt forum, but they must be invisible. they're talking about nuts, but I can't see them. I even searched down the back of the sofa. Oh, gross! mind you, I found a 5000 lira note. I must be a millionaire. No sign of any nuts though. Oh, hold on...this is DP. Everyone's a nut. Oh, Dibbler you are such a fool. All the time I thought they meant the edible kind. Right, back to the zucchini then. "If you're feeling meanie, buy some smoked zucchini" Nah. "If you want your body to fit your bikini...", oo, promising. Right, words that rhyme with zucchini: tweeny, beanie, blini, weenie, dreamy... This may go on for some time.

Wednesday 22nd August 2007

Just as I think they don't do fun and mad things around here anymore it turns out they've invented DP New Year! This is fantastic. Now I get to do two New Years Eve parties a year, with two lots of entertainment and two lots of profits! The perfect way to get rid of 200 gallons of illegal squirrel hooch. Oh, Elston better get training, we have work to do on that act! I am going into partnership with the Cally Cat, we are going to start selling high quality, high mark-up, large profit smoked zucchini bacon in P2. Cally has a smoker in her pad - I hope the authorities don't catch her or we're both out of business. I just need a good marketing tagline now, something to catch the punters attention, zucchini gives you zip, or zow wee! it's a zucchini. Nah. that's never going to work, maybe something in LOTE, that always sounds more classy. Now where can I get a dictionary?

Tuesday 21st August 2007

Crikey! I hope no-one missed me, I had to put the answering machine on all day. I got a call late Sunday night from a friend. I've been checking out this circus idea and he got me some free tickets and a chat with a man who runs a thing called Cirque du Soleil. I watched for ages and they had nothing like Elston. So I asked the chap and he told me it was a circus without animals, as people don't like the cruelty, and think it's a bit mean to make them perform. Well, that's fine but I don't see how that's going to help me when I've only got animals to start with, and I'm performing to a bunch of squirrels to boot. It's very confusing, and the man started going on about animal rights. I'm sure I don't have any, Ali never mentioned it in the contract - then again, she never did send me a copy, I wonder where that went? Anyway, managed to scrounge the old man's spare whip, that lion in P3's in for a bit of a surprise tomorrow!

Sunday 19th August 2007

Well, no wonder I can't get into P3 to serve, that Cally's a canny cat. She's got her own little lemming smoking operation going on, I wonder if I can bribe her for a percentage of the profits, hmm, need an angle first. Time to start collecting information I think, Dibbler P.I.. Ah, what a great day, the mid-afternoon groof was a great success, the hazelnut roast coffee certainly got drunk, mind you so did half the proofers - watch those phrosties fly! Not as popular as the old days, but maybe I can build them up with a bit of promotion, put on some entertainment for the troops and sell lots of phrosties. I wonder if Elston can still do his old moves? I guess we can't do the croc and squirrel routine anymore. Ah! But hang on a minute, wasn't I saying yesterday about lions and dragons, maybe we can fix up a lion taming act. Oh yes! The Dibbler DP circus is in town. Really must buy a whip.

Saturday 18th August 2007

It's getting dangerous for a squirrel out there. In the old days all I had to cope with was a mad moggy that couldn't cope with a squirrel strike and a pachyderm that didn't look where it was dancing. Life has moved on and there are big cats roaming free in the corridors. I think it may have been attracted by the smell of bacon, and it certainly doesn't seem to want to move out of P3, causing a huge backlog of orders as I can't get in to serve. Add to that the dragon they keep talking about in P2alt and well, it's just not safe for a small business squirrel to trade. Apparently, this dragon is fairly exclusive - it even has it's own boat! Cor, no mixing it of an evening with the common workers, it's back to the luxury pad. Hmm, maybe I can get an exclusive silver service contract, I need one of those R2D2 things, like you see in the movies. I bet they have them on Ebay, now where's Ali put that credit card?

Friday 17th August 2007

So, the flight out is cancelled, my shares are worthless. My so called friend Charlie has hopped off on the first plane to Spain. Now what? Well, I was wandering around the lower decks last night, Midnight Crew don't seem to use them these days - ah, I remember when it was all night singing and partying, they would be in and out of the cabins, doing the conga down the corridor and tap-dancing down the stairs, that Vasa can really move with the right tune on the stereo, it's a wonder they got any proofing done... anyway, I was mooching around and I found the captain's old store cupboard. Blimey! you should have seen it, books up to here and a fully stocked bar! Well, I've got no use for books, enough of them around here anyways, so I'm holding them in reserve, maybe there'll be some hidden treasure ones written by squirrels, telling me where I can find the buried golden acorns of long ago. So anyway, I 'acquired' the bar stock and we're back on the road to, well, somewhere. I think the best thing I can do now is whack the prices up and start serving food, loads of money in food. I mean, I'll make a fortune out of Elston every day. How much can an elephant eat? Hey! what a great competition idea, guess the elephants weight. Now, where can I get a set of elephant scales?

Thursday 16th August 2007

It's all gone wrong. <sob> The stock market is down 250 today. <sob> The hedge fund has collapsed, and all my shares are worthless. <sob> I don't know what to do now. I've got no stock, no cash, I've been given a written warning because I'm not doing my job properly - well, I wouldn't would I, I had a fight booked for Friday night, who cares whether it's coffee or champagne? You'd think people would like champagne. Apparently not at 8am, the way some people look at that hour after an all-nighter I think I should drink it.

Oh, what am I going to do? I'll be an unemployed squirrel, out on the streets, looking for work. I'll probably end up as a duster or a chimney sweep or something, shining shoes for tanners - ooo, no, I read that thread, better make it something not so pungent.

I wonder if there's any ice-cream left? Ooo, a peanut colada, marvellous

Wednesday 15th August 2007

It's been a trying day. First, I'm out of everything except for a crate of Banks' Mild, three hot chocs, some ice cream and two cases of champagne. Second, her ladyship, she who must be obeyed, has been giving out orders like it's going out of fashion, "Coffee, Dibbler! Drinks, Dibbler! More snacks in P3!" Honestly, you would think she runs the place, swanning around here like she owns it, she's only been back a week. How does she fancy serving in P3 with that new lion in there? If it wakes up while I'm serving I'll be the snack, never mind the ice creams and popcorn, Dibbler on toast please, no relish! I think I'd name it squirrel surprise, it would sure be a surprise to me. Shame I never got the health food sorted really, hard working people like these need proper food, nuts, muesli, fresh veg - like that carrot in P2-alt, that looks really tasty. All this talk of food, I'm starving now. better check those hedge fund shares before I get to bed too.

Tuesday 14th August 2007

Packing is well underway, and I've got my passport sorted thanks to my mate Charlie at the airport, who got me a copy of his. Well, afterall, all I need is a quick go over with the hair dye and I'll be a grey squirrel in no time. Charlie says that the hedge fund shares are worth 50% more today, so I splashed out on a little champagne - I thought I'd go out in style. Still can't contact Elston to arrange the take over of the drinks trolley, I guess he's got his music too loud again. I'll put in a trunk call tomorrow. I think I'll go to Florida first, Charlie said he saw a tourist book once where they had pictures of pecans walking about and flying, he said something about fish as well, but even I know that fish don't fly. I didn't know nuts were that versatile though so I've got to take a look, maybe I can get some sort of show going. Ah, the opportunities, just wait until I get my paws on that money.

Monday 13th August 2007

I'm rich! I'm rich! Oh yes, this time next week I'll be cruising off to sunny somewhere else, no more serving drinks for me. I bought a load of shares last Friday in a nuts hedge fund - I've invested all the profits from the business and I even sold that last bottle of gin to that nice lady in the Midnight Crew, she's always sweet to me, she knows just how to tickle a squirrel under the chin. So just have to wait for the stock market to take off again this week and I'm off for sunnier climes. I wonder where I put my suitcase? What to pack? What to wear? I'd better get someone in to take over the drinks as well. I wonder if Elston's busy? I suppose I can spend the next week reading up on travel guides. I think I'll give Uruguay a miss though, too many footnotes there.

Sunday 12th August 2007

Blimey! Busy day today, that Spanish book and the one about Brazil have really taxed the old drink making paws. I mean what do they drink in Brazil anyway? Brazil nut coladas I suppose. Apparently, P2 are doing Italian next week, what's that slogan "Join the navy, see the world". Pah! They should enlist people for DP. Ice cream seems to be popular right now, although I see they serve tea and bacon in P3. Now where do they get the budget for that eh? Someone should check those account books, although it might explain why I get paid peanuts for a start.

Time to check the latest batch of squirrel hooch.

Saturday 11th August 2007

Ah!, it's great to be back on board again. As you can see during my two year lay-off now only can I serve beer, I've learnt to type! Who needs opposable thumbs huh? Squirrels are just as good as humans, actually judging by some of those books I see, I rate the squirrels higher.

I'm thinking of getting into proof-reading now that there are books about nuts, not just ones written by them and proof-reading them. Those people at the Northern Nut Growers are brilliant, constantly looking for new ways to improve nut yields and tastes - more for me. Well, if I had a passport I suppose, and I'd have to save up a few quid for the ticket, mind you, my mate Charlie, he works in airport catering and he reckons there's a fortune to be made there from people stuck together in those lounges all day. I'm told this is something called a holiday, doesn't look much like fun.

Right, better get back to work, those peanut coladas don't make themselves and the folks get thirsty if I'm not there.