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.dt The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon and Other Extravagants. (Part 4)
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Transcriber’s Note
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This version of the text cannot represent certain typographical
effects. Italics are delimited with the ‘_’ character as _italic_.
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Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization, spelling
and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a number of
instances where it is very likely a printer’s error has been made,
These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s #note:endnote#
at the end of the text.
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There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not included
in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in order to avoid
falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as illustration of a numbered
chapter.
Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long ‘s’ (‘ſ’),
which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the ligature of ‘ct’
is given as the two separate characters.
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The cover image has been fabricated and is placed in the public domain. Each correction
is linked to the summary in the text.
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.bn 001.png
.il fn=i_frontis.jpg w=310px ew=60%
.bn 002.png
.sp 4
.nf c
THE
English Rogue:
Continued in the Life of
MERITON LATROON,
AND OTHER
EXTRAVAGANTS.
Comprehending the most Eminent
CHEATS
OF
BOTH SEXES.
.nf-
.pm start_poem
Read, but do’nt Practice: for the Author findes,
They which live Honest have most quiet mindes.
Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris
Cum & enia dabis.
.pm end_poem
.hr 90%
.ce
The Fourth Part.
.hr 90%
.nf c
With the Illustration of Pictures to every
Chapter.
.nf-
.hr 90%
.nf c
LONDON,
Printed for Francis Kirkman, and are to be Sold by
William Rands at the Crown in Duck-lane. 1680.
.nf-
.bn 003.png
.bn 004.png
.sp 4
.h2
THE | PREFACE.
.sp 2
Gentlemen
.dc 0.4 0.7
We see there is a necessity for our travailing in
the common road or High-way of Prefacing;
as if the Reader could neither receive nor digest the
Pabulum mentis, or fatten by the mental nourishment,
without a preparatory. And yet we think it savours
neither of civility, nor good manners to fall on without
saying something of a grace; but we do not love
that it should be so tedious, as to take away your stomack
from the meat, and therefore that we may not be
condemned for that prolixity we mislike in others, we
shall briefly tell you how little we value the favour of
such Readers, who take a pride to blast the Wits of
others, imagining thereby to augment the reputation of
their own: What unexpected success we have obtained
in the publication of the former parts, will keep us
from despairing, that in this we shall be less fortunate
than in the other. But although our Books have been
generally received with great applause, and read with
much delight and satisfaction, at home and abroad,
(having travailed many thousand miles) yet we do
not imagine them to be without their Errata’s, for
which they have suffered very hard Correction; this
is a younger brother to the former, lawfully begotten,
and if you will compare their faces, you will find they
resemble one another very much: Or else match this
.bn 005.png
pattern with the former cloth, you will find it of the
same colour, wool, and spinning, only it having passed
the curious hands of an excellent Artist, he hath by
shearing and dressing it made it somewhat thinner,
and withall finer, than was intended; however we
hope it will prove a good lasting piece, and serviceable.
You cannot imagin the charge and trouble we
have been at, in raising this building, which we must
acknowledg was erected upon an old foundation. From
the actions of others we gather’d matter, which materials
we methodized, and so formed this structure. We
challenge nothing but the order; it may be called ours,
as the Bucentauro may be now called the same it was
some hundred of years since, when the Pope therein
first married the Duke of Venice to the Seas, having
been from that time so often mended and repaired, as
that it is thought, there is not left a chip of her primitive
building. So what remarkable stories, and strange
relations we have taken up on trust, by hear-say, or
otherwise, we have so altered by augmentation, or
deminution, (as occasion served) that this may be more
properly called a new Composition, rather than an old
Collection, of what witty Extravagancies are therein
contained. As to the verity of those Exploits,
Subtle Contrivances, crafty projects, horrid
villanies, &c. we have little to say, but though we shall
not assert the truth of them all, yet there are none,
which carry not circumstances enough to make apparent
their probability. And you may confidently believe,
that most of them have been lately acted, though
not by one, two, three, a score, nay many more. To conclude,
(least we tire your patience with tedious preambles)
it is our desire that you will have a charitable
opinion of us, and censure not our writings according
to their desert; we are ready to condemn them, before
.bn 006.png
you examine their faults, what would ye more? We
are not insensible, that ours are many, and are forc’t to
bear the burden of the Printers too; we know the stile
is mean and vulgar, so are the Interlocutors, and therefore
most requisite and allowable; the Subject is Evil,
(you say) and may vitiate the Reader; the Bee gathers
honey from the worst of weeds; and the Toad poison,
from the best of Herbs. An ignorant young Plowman
learn’d from a Sermon how to steal an Ox, by the Parsons
introducing a Simile; even as the stubborn Horn
is made soft, pliable, and to be shaped as you please,
by laying a Hot loaf thereon; so is &c. which he
trying so effectually chang’d the form of the Ox-head,
that the right Owner knew not his own Beast. There is
no matter so good, but may be perverted, which is worst
of all, for, Corruptio optimi est pessima; and there is
no Subject so bad, out of which some good may not be
collected; this drolling discourse, will, I question not,
in the reading, prove not only facetious, but profitable,
which if you find, we have obtain’d our desired end.
.ce
(Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci.)
And subscribe our selves
.ll 60
.rj
Your Friends and Servants
.ll
.ll 66
.rj
Richard Head. Fra. Kirkman.
.ll
.bn 007.png
.bn 008.png
.pn 1
.il fn=i_001.jpg w=500px ew=90%
.sp 4
.h1
THE | ENGLISH ROGUE
.nf c
Continued in the Life of
MERITON LATROON,
AND OTHER
EXTRAVAGANTS.
.nf-
.hr 100%
.ce
PART, IV.
.hr 100%
.pi
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. I.
.pm start_summary
Sayling from St. Helena, &c. Landing at Messina,
the Captain, Latroon, &c. sell Ship and Goods;
the Seamen falling out and killing one another,
they leave them and go for Palermo; Thence they
travel into the Country, and describe it with its
Rarities and Wonders. A comical Adventure in
a house supposedly haunted, as they travelled
through Gergento with their Mulletteer.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
Whilst we anchored at the Island of St. Helena
there happened a sad Accident; whilst
we were recreating and refreshing our selves in the
Island, one of our men (that brought us ashore in
the Skiff) being an excellent Swimmer, stript himself,
.bn 009.png
.pn +1
and over the side of the Boat he went, he had
not been long in the water before such as stood
on the shore to see him swim, perceived a Shark
to make towards him; who cryed out, A Shark,
a Shark, hasten to the Boat; which he did with
incredible speed, and had laid his hands on her
side as the Shark snapt at his Leg, and having it
in his mouth turned on his back, and twisted it
off from his knee. The fellow protested to me
that when this was done, he felt no pain any
where but under his Arm-pits; the fellow was
drest and perfectly cur’d; afterwards this very
Shark was taken by one of our men, fishing for
him with a great piece of Raw-Beef, and when
his belly was ripp’d open, the Leg was found
whole therein. From St. Helena, having taken
in fresh water, and gotten in some other refreshment
that the Island afforded, we set sail with a
fresh breeze and good weather.
Our Captain getting himself into the great
Cabbin, gave the word for me, I coming to him,
now, said he, let you and I have a little private
discourse together, to the intent that we may
perfect with safety what we have enterpriz’d with
hazard. You know my full intent as to the disposing
of the Ship and Goods to my own use and
benefit, excepting only what is yours, and the
rest of our Comrades: What your old friend in
Breeches hath with great hazard ventur’d for, let
her enjoy it freely since she hath deserved it, and that
you may see the frankness of my Spirit, go, get
our friends together that I may inform them,
that though I play the Rogue with others,
yet I will be just to them; your Newgate
Birds will have such as wrong their own fraternity
.bn 010.png
.pn +1
to be stigmatiz’d, and branded with a name
of Infamy indelible.
I quickly got them together, and having provided
for us what Meat and Liquors (the best)
he had aboard, he then told us that we were all
heartily welcome, and that he was now, more
than ever our friend, and having taken a good
lusty draught of what he had before him, seeing
it go round; friends and fellow-Travellers, said he,
from my Childhood I have had wondrous and
various vicissitudes of Fortune, in so much that
though the relation of several of your lives which
I have had, seems very strange and eminently remarkable
to me, yet when you shall hear me giving
you an account of the transactions of my life,
which I shall trouble you with very speedily, you
will look upon them as incredible as Mounsieur
St. Serfs Voyage into the Moon, or the Travels
of Sir John Mandivle; In all the various windings
and turnings of my life, I never was settled
long in one Condition. It is true, from very low
and mean beginnings I have got to the height of
considerable employments, from a Parish Child,
I was for my Rogueries condemned to be transported,
by subtle deportment and insinuating behaviour
I changed my Doom, and was made
Cabbin-boy, from thence I did gradually rise
passing through every Office that doth belong to
a Ship till I was constituted a Captain, several
Voyages I have made to most parts of the known
World, and have gotten great sums of money,
but no sooner did I call it my own, but it vanished
by shipwrack, or I was taken Prisoner and lost
it that way. I am now in my declension, and
having a fairer opportunity than ever I yet had,
.bn 011.png
.pn +1
or ever thought to have to enrich my self, and sit
down quietly in some remote Corner of the World,
I am resolved to lay hold on it. And now coming
near the Coast of Europe I shall tell you my resolution,
that I intend to make my self a voluntary
Exile to my own Countrey. In order thereunto
I shall shape my course for the Streights, which
will harbor my design in disposing of my goods,
neither will it be prejudicial to you to accompany
me thither, since from thence you may dispose
your selves to the best and most flourishing Countries
of the World.
Here he paused a while to hear our opinion,
which we acquainted him with unanimously, that
we were very joyful to continue longer in his
company, and that we would see him anchored
in his designed Port, or run what ever fortune
should befal him; having assured him this, he
continued his discourse: Since I know your minds,
and am, and shall be obliged to you for your
societies, I shall endeavour to requite your kindnesses:
and that my words may not seem airy
pretences without performances, I shall make
this Proposition which if granted, you shall know
how I have studied a way to gratifie you. It is
this, Master Latroon, the Scrivener there, and
Drugster, shall give each of them one hundred
pounds a piece to Mistress Dorothy, and that I
may not exempt my self from helping her forward
into the World, I will give the like sum with this
Box of rough Diamonds, which I know is worth
as much more; we all consented: next, said he,
every man according to his stock of money expended
in the procuration of what Commodities
we have aboard upon the Sale thereof shall receive
.bn 012.png
.pn +1
it again, and his profit thereof according to
proportion, with an equal dividend of what Goods
was taken upon credit. You shall see me so just
to you, that I will somewhat injure my self by
taking no fraught from you, but instead thereof
the principal Officers shall share with us, and the
private Seamen shall have double pay out of the
same Goods which we took upon trust.
Upon this we all agreed, and the noise of this
Agreement running through the Ship, the nicest
of them all from the highest to the lowest liked
so well the Knavish-generosity of our Captain,
that they all caper’d for joy, and having brought
out what Brandy they had on the Decks, drinking
the Captains Health, protesting to serve him
with their lives, they received Commands to stand
away for Sicilia, where in a little time we safely
came to an Anchor.
Arriving at Sicilia an Island of the Mediterranean-Sea,
seated between Italy and Africk, we
made choice of Messina, a City as it is the most
illustrious one, in that all-fruitful and ever-flourishing
Island, so it is for all manner of forreign
Commerce as much crowded with the great Conflux
of strangers as most places in Europe; here
we landed, and soon found it the onely place of the
world that would best fit our purpose: The Joy
that possess’d such especially that had never been
there before, undoubtedly would have over-swell’d
its Banks and become boundless, had not the prudent
foresight of some of us hindred its increase
by informing there were some black threatning
Clouds of danger still hung over our heads, and
that we could not be safe till we had settled our
affairs by the sale of our Ship and Goods, then
.bn 013.png
.pn +1
if they would ride post to their pleasures none
should stop them in their Carreer; this something
qualified their exultation and rejoycing,
and every one officiated in his proper function.
Our Commodities were not only excellently
good in their kind, but extraordinary rich and
valuable, the knowledge whereof soon reaching
the ears of the Inhabitants and Merchants of
Messina, they came in Droves to us, because it
was troublesome to deal with so many, we resolv’d
to make a quick market of the Continent and
things contained, Ship and Cargo altogether.
This Proposition better pleas’d those wealthy
Citizens, than if we had plaid the Hucksters with
our Commodities, wherefore two of the most
wealthy and greatest account amongst them
bought all, paying us ready money without a
penny Credit. After that every man had received
his share or dividend proportionably, and according
to a general Agreement; we divided our
selves into parties as Interest or Inclination lead
us. The Captain, Scrivener, Drugster, Jane, Doll,
and my self were of one company, the Sea-men
with the Under-officers of the ship divided themselves
into several Gangs or Squadrons, who having
more money now than their Great grand-fathers
ever told in their lives, fell into such an
excess of Debauchery, that the Citizens thought
that Hell had plotted a Conspiracy to disturb
their quiet, and these were the Emissaries who
should put it in execution.
Getting drunk they frequently quarrell’d about
their Sicilian wenches, and indeed to give them
their due they seem by the out-side to be worth
the going to Logger-heads for, sometimes they
.bn 014.png
.pn +1
fell together by the ears, in that one that deserved
not to have a quarter so much as himself, yet had
full as much; and now having store of money
they regarded their gentility, in that manner that
they stood upon every punctilio to defend it from
the calumnies and aspersions of such who had
but a little before been hail fellow, well met: so
that now the least seeming affront would not go
down with them, unless it were steept in the
blood that dropt from the Nose of the Affronter,
when there was a cessation of Arms among themselves,
then would they ramble about the streets
like mad men, abusing whomever they met, and
were well chasten’d for their pains, several of
them coming short home.
The City began now to mutter, and verily believed
them to be a parcel of Rogues that had
sold what was none of their own, and probably
to the ruin of many an honest man; and was
therefore resolved to endure this outrage no
longer.
We hearing this, thought our selves very unsafe
whilst in Messina, and therefore concluded to remove
thence to Palermo, a City in the same
Island of Sicilia. By enquiry I found the most
convenient and customary way of travelling thither
was by Mules, which are plentiful for Hire;
I bargained for as many as would conveniently
carry our company which were six, and our money;
and so with as much privacy as we could we departed
Messina; these Mules travelled very commodiously
with us, and carried us over the mountains
both with speed and security; and although
it was an hundred and eighty miles from the City
we left behind us, to Palermo, yet we got thither
in less then four days.
.bn 015.png
.pn +1
In this famous City of Palermo (the fairest of
all others of Sicily, and at present the Metropolis
and Regal Seat) we stayed some considerable
time, and laying aside for a while our shifting and
cheating, &c. having enough, that we might employ
our wits and inventions in nothing but contriving
variety of Recreations, and Pleasures,
which were the novel, we cared not at what excessive
rate we purchas’d them.
The Captain and my self being more than half
glutted with City delights resolved, for some few
days to travel into the Countrey, and since it was
so famously noted, we would not leave it till we
had seen those Excellencies and Rarities wherewith
it injoyes Fames Trumpet through the
whole Universe. In order thereunto taking our
leave of our Friends, and promising to return
within five or six days, we proceeded in our progress.
In our short Itinerary we saw many brave
Towns, and wonderful Places, which told, would
exceed belief, as Mount Ætna, and Mongibello,
Strombellow, &c. which though it belcheth inexpressible
and continual fire out of its bowels, yet
hath its head notwithstanding (on that part where
the fire issues) covered with deep Snow till the
midst of Summer. In Meunenino is the lake
Nastia, where in three Eddies you may perfectly
perceive boyling water, which gurgles up with an
intolerable stink, and sometimes you may see it
spew up flames of fire. It hath likewise in sundry
other places divers other fountains of admirable
nature and quality.
In some Caves and Grots we were shown by
the people, we saw the vastly big and immense
bodies of men in former time, which were
accounted Monsters of Men or Gyants, or to
.bn 016.png
.pn +1
verifie the matter, they believe themselves that a
long time since, the Cyclops inhabited their Island.
We found the People generally acute, and quick-witted,
very facetious, and of a jolly temper,
which suited well with the Nature of the Countrey.
For to be brief, this Island is not inferiour
to any other, either for its fatness or abundance;
exceeding Italy in the excellency of their Grain,
Saffron, Honey, Beasts-skins, and other things
either for Profit or pleasure, in so much that as it
was call’d by Tully the Granary of the world, so
Homer call’d it the Island of the Sun, and would
have us believe all things grew there spontaneously
of their own accord; the salubrity of the
air is very excellent, as well as the abundance of
terrene sustenance, and plenty of all things necessary
for mans use, and indeed may be counted
the best, which it either affords naturally, or produceth
by man’s ingenuity.
Wild-oats grow there, without sowing, and the
Vines without planting; their Wines are most
delicate, their fruit of all sorts grow with great
plenty and goodness; to be short, there is nothing
wanting which may not only delight the eye, but
please the most critical Palat with whatever may
be accounted gustful.
Being almost tired with variety of objects
abroad, and being not willing to trust our Comrads
at home too much, fearing the temptation
of a too long absence, we concluded to return,
which I perceived was no small trouble to our
Mulletteer, whom we hired to shew us the Countrey,
and the rather, because he could indifferently
speak good English, intelligible at least,
for this Rogue had not been accustomed to fare
as we made him do, and therefore he had been
.bn 017.png
.pn +1
well content to have travelled through the whole
Universe at that Rate. Being homewards bound,
and the day being far spent, we came to a place
called Gergento, near which is the Territory of
Matharuca, a small Town, in which there were
but few houses; however we rode up to the best
of them, and commanded our Guide to ask whether
we might have entertainment there that
night: The Master of the house took it as a great
affront that his house should be accounted an Inn,
and answered him snappishly that he might look
his masters lodging where it was made a profession
to accommodate Passengers on the road: he
asked him, where such accommodation might be
had? to which the other replyed, he knew none
nearer than three Leagues.
Our Guide told us what he said, which nettel’d
me to some purpose; insomuch that I could not
but express some passion, and a great deal of
trouble that we should be exposed to the travelling
so far, and so late; which the Gentleman
taking notice of, seeing by my Garb I must be a
Gentleman, though a stranger, and therefore
could not be ignorant of the Latine tongue so
ornamental and universally useful, addrest himself
very civilly to me, and desired me (in Latine)
that I would take no exception at whatever had
pass’d, that though his house was no Inn, yet
he should be very glad to accommodate any
Gentleman with a Lodging, especially in such
an extremity, had he not been that very day
deprived of the means by the arrival of
some friends of his from Syracusa, which had
filled his house excepting only one Room,
which if I would not think with my friend too
mean and unworthy for our reception, he should
.bn 018.png
.pn +1
gladly spare it, and with it, what the house afforded.
I tendered him in the behalf of my self and
the Captain a thousand thanks, in the same
tongue, though not in so quaint a dialect, being
somewhat deficient in the propriety and Ideom
of that noble Language, assuring him we should
not be so forgetful as to prove ingrateful for this
favour he was pleased to confer upon us; upon
this we dismounted, and giving our Mules to our
Guide we were conducted into a very handsome
Rome by this Seignior de Domo, and caressed by
him and his newly arrived friends as if we had
been of their antient acquaintance. I could hardly
forbear laughing outright to see what a confusion
the Captain was in, when they spake to him, for
they spake to him in their own tongue, which is
a rough Italian without any sweetness, which they
perceiving he understood not, they spake Latine,
and then Spanish, of all which he understood not
so much as to make sense, and therefore answered
them in French, which none of them understood,
so that when he saw the distorting of his eyes
and mouth, which was shaped in a hundred
forms (partly for confusion, and partly for vexation)
would not interpret his meaning; he applied
himself to his fingers, telling his story after such
an antick manner, that as I laught, the Company
had much ado to forbear bearing me company:
Seeing him grow almost angry, I thought it high
time to make an Apology for him, pretending
that what I said, was what he would have said,
but that his language was non-intelligent in the
Company.
Supper, by that time we had chatted a little
longer (modo Italiano) was served to the Table, and
.bn 019.png
.pn +1
with some Ceremony seated our selves, without
his Wife or Daughters, although he had both,
and as I afterwards found, had such angelical
countenances, that in stead of obscuring or absconding
so great a lustre, he might have gloried
in communicating their external perfections to
our sight, which were illustrated by the adjuncts
of so many transcendent concurrences of beautiful
Ideas.
We did not German-like after this Evenings
Repast, presently fall to drinking as if we had
lately swallowed the Offals of half a dozen
slaughter-houses, and now were pouring down
liquor in abundance to sweeten the Funnel or
cleanse the Common-shore that the filth had contaminated
within us; but instead thereof we entred
into very pleasant and agreeable discourse,
every one having the liberty of inlarging it as he
thought fit without interruption.
Among a great variety of several Subjects, that
of Phantasms and Aparitions fell in our way, one
affirming he believ’d that though Spirits might
appear formerly, yet it would not enter into his
belief that now there was any such thing; Nay,
said another, methinks you may be easily convinc’d
of the contrary by those Legions of stories
to this purpose, so that I should think there should
be some Fire whence all this Smoak comes. Said
the Master of the house, if you will not believe
what is contained in so many Volumes written
by the Pens of so many learned and pious Divines,
believe yet the reports of such as now are
living, have seen Phantasms in several shapes,
and have heard their terrifying noise, amongst
whom I am one, and I shall tell you to my great
.bn 020.png
.pn +1
trouble that this very house of mine is to this
day, from a considerable time since, afflicted with
horrible Apparitions. Gentlemen, said he, fear
not, he confines himself to one Room only, and
so, that he that lyeth in the next, shall be so far
from being disturbed, that he shall neither see
nor hear anything: and this is the Room, speaking
to us, which this disturbed Fiend makes his
Rendezvouz, and for no other reason I refused
you Lodging, all my other Rooms being prepossess’d
by those Gentlemen my Amigo’s. This
shall not daunt us, said I, but we will lie there
this night that we may resolve to morrow what
is now much doubted.
Bidding them good night, several offer’d themselves
to accompany us till morn, but we refus’d
it, judging their proffer a Complement by the
pallid hue of their countenances. It was not long
after our departure e’re every one in the whole
house betook themselves to their respective Chambers
there to take their rest. My stout Captain
(as I have sufficiently made appear) had no mind
to take any, either for fear he should be caught
napping by the Fiend, or else seeing him by
flight, escape him; I was partly of his mind too,
rather desiring to contend with a thousand men
than one Devil. The Captain and my self sate
up in our Room till we judg’d it to be about
midnight, and then seeing nothing (our eyes being
almost shut by sitting up so long) we went to bed,
and quickly fell asleep.
Our Mulletteer (either having not filled his belly
at Supper, or the remembrance of such excellent
food which he had seen not letting him sleep till
he had the other bout with it) got up where he
.bn 021.png
.pn +1
lay, and having observed where the Servants had
placed on a shelf a large of most incomparable
food in a small Closet accompanied with
several flasks of Flowrence-wine, he softly crope
down the stairs, and got to this Room where the
delights of his heart stood, but endeavouring to
take down the dish (which proving too heavy for
him to manage) slipt out of his hands, and in its
fall broke down a small shelf that had a great
many Pewter-plates thereon, with other rattling
stuff, all which together made a fearful noise, and
so great that not a Person in the house but what
awak’d thereat; but such was their Courage that
not one of them would stir, for they now really
concluded the Spirit was come, as for my own
part my Captain and self were so terrified and
affrighted at this hideous noise that we now believed
what reports we heard, and therefore were
resolved to lye a bed, and sweat our selves to
death, rather than rise in that reaking condition
and endanger our lives by catching cold, as the
sweat dropt from us, so we trembled that the bed
shook, I am sure it was not with cold.
Whilst we were in this fearful Agony, the
Rogue our Mulletteer, who listning what effects
this clutting Alarm would produce, and hearing
no person stirring, concluded we were all dead
asleep through the whole house, fell on manfully
on the Cheer that was before him, getting out
some Bottles of Wine, interloyning every bit with
a large soop of the bottle, having now stuft his
gut and fill’d his head with the fumes of Wine,
which he drank at no aim, he gets to the stairs,
but the covetous and provident Rascal fearing he
should be dry before morning, steps back and
.bn 022.png
.pn +1
takes with him a flask of that wine he had already
so freely drank of, and mounts the stairs softly
with it in his hand, advancing to the top of the
stairs, directly against which our Chamber-door
stood, he stumbled upon the head of the stairs,
and endeavouring to save himself and the Bottle,
he raised that hand aloft, wherein it was, and
falling, not being able to recover himself, dasht
the Bottle against our door with so much fury,
that I do not think there was a piece of the glass
in the flask the breadth of a shilling, the suddain
surprize of this dismal and horrid thump made
the Captain start with such a leap that he fell
out of the bed, bearing the Bed-staff with him
which so rattled in his fall, that this added very
much to the horrour that had invaded all our
spirits. This noise in our Chamber confirmed the
justness of their fears throughout the house, only
that of our Mulletters was of a different nature;
for he believing his Masters (as he call’d us) were
getting up to find what was the matter, endeavoured
to get down the said way he got up, but
groaping with his hands, met with the shattered
flask on the top of the stairs, which tumbling
down to the bottom, the noise of the fractur’d
glass perfectly resembled the gingling of Chains.
It is impossible for me to characterize their
fear and fright, both which together had so totally
routed what courage they had within them, that
a Corporal Pygmie with two files of revolted
Cranes would at that time have taken them all
Prisoners. Our Mulletteer fearing by this second
alarm that he should now infallibly wake some of
the house; who finding him in that condition
would undoubtedly suspect him of some vilanous
Design, therefore thought it his safest way to
.bn 023.png
.pn +1
march down again, and lay his Carkass any
where till it was day, Being half way down the
stairs, he could hear the voice of one crying, Il
Diabolo, Il Diabolo, The Devil, the Devil, repeating
it often, which so affrighted him that he
thought to have returned back, but hearing the
noise go from him, with the trampling of feet on
the stones as in flight, he boldly pursued them,
Questo Diabolo, what Devil, and where, I am none,
but I will see what Devil you are. These were
three Rogues which had a long time design’d to
rob this house, not living far off it; who were well
acquainted with this house, and had heard that
it was visited by Phantasms; now as they were
about to mount the stairs they met with the flask,
and broken glass in it, which frighted them away
from that enterprize as effectually, as if the Devil
with the gingling his Chains had come to meet
them.
Our Mulletteer had not been so long a Rogue,
condemned twice to be a Gally slave, and very
narrowly escap’d from being broken on the wheel,
but that he quickly smelt the plot of these three
Night-walkers, that they were only bent on mischief,
so taking advantage of the fright their
guilty Consciences put them in, he seized one of
their Swords, which he exercised so well that
they found they had another sort of spirit to deal
with, than what they had fled from; it being a
Devil incarnate; disarming the Thieves he raised
the house, but with much ado, and had not done
it, had he not shown their light in their Dark lanthorn,
none yet daring to be so bold as to come
down in the dark to light a Candle; and now they
began to creep out of their Chambers with as much
caution, as if their way had been planted with
.bn 024.png
.pn +1
Spanish-needles. The Captain and my self waited
when some others would stir first, and others exspected
the like from us, but at length casting off
this enslaving Cowardise, we went down the stairs,
meeting with the Gentleman of the house, accompanied
with some of his last nights Guests,
and so descended into the Court-yard together,
where we found our Mulletteer with Swords
enough to furnish us all, his Captives lying at his
feet not daring to stir; these, said he, are the
Devils that haunt this house, but I will lay them
for you, I will conjure them far enough off if you
will but say the word; leading them into the
Hall, we met with one of the Menials of the
house whose haste had made him (after an hours
consideration what was best to be done) to leave
his Doublet behind him, yet forgot not his
Sword.
Upon his first Examination they confest what
they intended to do, that there was four more
in their company who had made their escape,
but were ignorant of what they carryed with
them. Their own confession was a sufficient conviction,
and so they were secured for the present,
by tying Neck and Heels together.
The old Gentleman missing some of his friends,
began to condemn them for their sluggishness, and
supinity; come, said he, let us take them napping
and in that posture upbraid them with their
sloath: We hereupon followed him up stairs, and
entring their Chambers found nought but the
furniture therein; without speaking one word,
away he ran hastily to his Daughters Chamber,
but found that as empty of Lodgers as the rest;
and a Cabinet which he committed to her custody
.bn 025.png
.pn +1
gone, which was worth a very valuable sum:
at the sight hereof you might have blown the
old Gentleman down, had not passion animated
him and kept him up from sinking, which he discharg’d
so violently on those that were left behind,
which were the aged Kindred of the young man
that had stoln this fair Maid away, that as much
as ever they could do to bear the shock, but at
last unanimously protesting they were innocent
and ignorant of what was done, and promising
they would use their utmost assistance and endeavour
in the speedy restitution of his Daughter
inviolated, he believ’d them guiltless, and begg’d
them to be as good as their word.
And now consulting what he should do with
his Prisoners, he was advised to send his man for
an Officer, and secure them in a place not far
distant, erected for the confinement of Felons,
Murderers, &c. as he was going out he had forgot
his Doublet for haste, although he had his
Sword on, wherefore he was call’d back, who
being ordered to fetch it first, was prevented by
the Maids coming full butt as he was going in the
search thereof, he would have pass’d her, had I
not perceived she had a thing like a Waste-coat
on, and therefore calling to him, said, Save
your self the labour, here is what you are going
to seek for; coming back he found his Doublet
on the maids back, I imagining whence this Mistake
did arise, to make our sorrowful Landlord a
little sport, Sir, said I, Do you not see your Maid
hath got your mans Doublet already, and will
no doubt, get his Breeches too if you do not prevent
it; and then looking to his leggs and seeing
what a traiterous mistake he had committed;
.bn 026.png
.pn +1
Do you Sir, said I, buy your mans Stockings of
two different colours, the one is blue, you see,
the other grey; hereupon the maids Stockings
were examined and found to be on the one side
gray, the other side true blue. This made the
Company all laugh, neither could the old Gentleman
forbear to smile, but having other business
to think on, commanded them to restore to
each other what they had borrowed, and he
would take a time to examine the cause thereof,
plain enough from what was seen to outward appearance.
These Rogues being committed to a publick
Goal, he could not be quiet but he must go into
his Daughters Chamber again, and upon a review
thereof found a Letter directed to him, to
this purpose:
Sir,
.dc 0.4 0.7
You may justly blame me for leaving your
House without your consent or privity, but
when you shall consider it was to avoid my eternal
ruine, I hope the Sentence and Punishment which
my disobedience doth deserve may prove more favourably
merciful; hitherto you have been the
sole Monarch of both mind and body, but play not
the Tyrant by making my will your eternal Slave.
Sir, Youth cannot look through those Spectacles
which are useful to Age, nor can my inclination
suit with your choice. I am now with him whom
I love more than my self, nor can I esteem of that
Gentleman of Catania whom you have selected for
me, otherwise than the designed Murderer of my
quiet. If you will sequester me from my Choice, I
will seclude my self from all in a Monastery.
Having read these lines he raved out-right,
.bn 027.png
.pn +1
some times condemning his rigid destiny, then
exclaiming against the perfidiousness of such who
under the pretence of friendship should be his
undoers; But having tired himself with these
fruitless complaints, he soberly ask’d our advice
what he should do in this intricacy. We all advised
him to follow them close at heels with all
imaginable expedition, the Captain and my self
promising him our Company in the search; the
next day mounted we rode the way wherein we guest
the Gentlemen were gone with the young Gentlewoman,
and having rid about ten miles from
Gergento, the place from whence we came, we
overtook two fellows who gave us cause to suspect
them by their looks and habits, whilst I was
acquainting the old Gentleman with my thoughts
of them, they liking not our whispering betook
themselves to their heels, which so increased our
jealousie, that with Whip and Spur I soon overtook
them, they resisted me for a while, but being
overpoured by number yielded, searching
them we found little money, the old Gentleman
viewing them strictly, saw his own Coat upon
one of their backs, and now concluding that
these were the Rogues that had his Cabinet too,
made a very strict research but to no purpose,
they denying they had ever seen such a thing;
but this served not their turns, and although we
should hinder our intent in prosecuting a better
discovery, yet we thought it very requisite to return
and secure them with the rest of their fellows.
Coming home to his own house, he understood
that the maid which particularly had waited a long
time on his Daughter was suddenly gone, giving to
none an account why or wherefore, but she was
.bn 028.png
.pn +1
watch’d to go such a way: We were now all verily
perswaded she was gone in quest of her Mistress,
and that by tracking her, we should know where she
was. The advise was well resented and speedily
prosecuted, with such good success, as in less than a
days time we found this Gillian and her companion
footing it in great haste towards Catania,
but we soon stopt their Journey, and discovered,
they had got what the poor Gentlewoman was
accused of, she had given it to her Friend to carry,
but they were both like to bear the weight of the
burthen. Examining her, she confest when she saw
her Mistress was gone from her Father, and imagining
she would be suspected to carry the Cabinet
with her, (which would support her, should her
Father frown for ever) she took that opportunity
to enrich her self, and that Friend with her.
It was well this timely discovery was made for
the five Rogues in Goal, it was as good as a Pardon
after condemnation past, and now the old
Gentleman seeing he had lost nothing, and that
his Daughter with her disobedience was unjustly suspected
a thief, he franckly protested before us all,
that he would never put a restriction on his
Daughters choice, but would freely give his consent
to whom she thought so worthy as to be her
Husband; This Protestation was immediately
dispatch’d away, by one that knew where our
Lovers were, which happy News recall’d them
home to their mutual satisfactions, and that the
sufferings of her Maid and Friend might not eclipse
the Joy and Gladness which attended their
Hymenial Rites, she begg’d her Father to forgive
them all, who to gratifie their desires prosecuted
.bn 029.png
.pn +1
none of those notorious Offenders; and so we shall
leave this joyful Couple to spin out the Thread of
their delight equally to that of their lives education.
.pm start_poem
Were ever men so scar’d, did ever fright
So seize weak Mortals in the dead of night?
Could a bare noise affright when nought appear’d?
And being afraid we knew not what we fear’d:
One hid his head all underneath the cloaths,
Lest that the Fiend should take him by the Nose:
Dumb was he too, for not a word did pass,
Lest that should tell him where about he was.
My Friend, the Captain, whom I will not wrong,
Did ne’re before to me smell half so strong:
My panting heart (I almost stew’d to death)
Did beat so fast I could not draw my breath.
Now comes the worst, the noise approach’d more near,
All things combin’d for to increase our fear.
Mounting the stairs Old Nick was drunk I think,
To break his Bottle, and to spill his drink:
The ratling Flask tumbling the stairs amain,
Did make us think the Devil shook his Chain.
But now th’ appearance of the Morning-light,
Gave us new life, and put our fears to flight:
For now we found, for all the peoples talk,
The Sp’rit was quiet, but the Thieves did walk.
This house these haunted which were worser Evils,
Than Fiends or Goblins, Damn’d-incarnate-Devils.
This Apparition plainly did discover,
That this same night the Maid lay with her Lover.
For the Stockings and the Doublet did disclose,
The match they made had thus mismatch’d their Cloths.
.pm end_poem
.bn 030.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. II.
.pm start_summary
They are ship’d from Palermo to Naples, by the
way Mistress Dorothy continues the story of her
Hostess who was hanged with her Husband for
a Murder, the like was never heard of, her notorious
at the Gallows of all her former
Villanies: Latroons reflections on it. Mistress
Dorothy and her Companion the Souldier, return
for London.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0
Our Mulletteer was very well rewarded by our
Entertainer, for the prevention of so much
mischief, which had undoubtedly befel the Gentleman,
had not this fellow gone down at that unseasonable
time to stuff his insatiate guts. And now
taking our leaves (the Gentleman and his friends
being very unwilling and sorrowful to part with
our Companies) away we came shaping our course
for Palermo, where being arriv’d and finding out
those Friends we had left too long, infinite was our
satisfaction of meeting thus together again, but I
I thought my Jinny would have been transported
with joy when she saw me, but recovering her self,
she check’d me severely for staying so long from
her beyond my promise. Our caresses were accompanied
with what choice Viands and Wine
the City could produce.
Having now pleased our sight with the curiosities
of this place, we concluded upon a remove; and
the next place pitcht on was Naples, and to the intent
we might convey our moneys with greater safety
thither, we took up Bills at Palermo for 5000
.bn 031.png
.pn +1
pounds, drawn upon a Merchant of Naples,
ten days after sight. Having shipp’d our selves,
with all conveniences, that our Voyage might not
seem tedious, I desired Mistress Dorothy to divert
the Company with the continuation of her Story.
Ah Master Latroon! (said she) your Request renews
my grief, by putting me in mind of the loss
of my dear Companion Mall, however I shall endeavour
to satisfie your desire, and having given
a summary account to the Captain and the rest,
which had not heard anything of her former relation,
of what was before discovered, she commenc’d
her following discourse where she before left off,
viz. her coming acquainted with the Soldier, and
then she thus proceeded.
Being rid of my great Belly, and having now
gotten me a good round sum of money, I took
my pleasure with as much freedom as my unlimited
desires could prompt me to, I was frequently
at the old womans the Hostess, (alias my
Procuress) where I found conveniences for all my
secret, crafty, and pleasant Designs, and indeed to
give her her due, she was no Back-friend to me, this
was the place which I made my general Rendezvouz;
here I did use to meet with my Friends,
and here did I converse with my Soldier of Fortune
(as I have already told you) before I make
any further progress, give me leave to rehearse a
Copy of Verses (which I got by heart) of his own
composition, which he made upon the cunning
trick he found in conjuring for food for his hungry
Landlord and his own half famisht worship,
which were these:
.bn 032.png
.pn +1
.pm start_poem
Hunger’s a Whetstone that so sharpens Wit,
It cuts away for some to feed by it.
For stomacks cramm’d with Lethargies do blind
The active wit, and hebetates the mind.
The Grammer-school when it hath spawn’d the Fry
Either to Oxford or to Cambridge hye:
Where lest they should by too much food grow dull,
They scarce in seven years have their belly full.
That Barresters at Bar may louder bawl,
See the short Commons that art in the Hall.
’Tis plenty rusts our Valour, when we need,
Rather than starve, we there can bravely bleed:
For food we fight, for which we Centry stand,
Want makes our wit as active as our hand.
Thus did my wit shew to my wants a way
To fill its belly, and increase my pay,
Hence I may say that I do live by wit,
For I’ve got money, and a Wench with it.
Grammercy Wit, help and assist me still,
He ne’re can want that hath but Wit at will.
.pm end_poem
This Souldier was a Gentleman of a good
house, though fallen to decay, whose education
might have renderd him capable of considerable
employments, had not his Heroick inclination to
the Wars taken his thoughts clearly off from
every thing else. I appointed a day for this man
of war, to attend me some few miles into the
Countrey, having got leave of his Captain we
went together, in the mean time my Hostess was
spinning of Hemp, and by return had finisht a
Rope for her self and Husband: and thus it was.
A single Gentleman came as a Traveller to
lodge in her Inn, having set up his Horse, and
his Portmantua carried to his Chamber, he
.bn 033.png
.pn +1
knocks for his Landlady, who coming up to him
he acquaints her that he thought he should make
a stay for two or three days, and therefore delivers
into her hands a bag of one hundred pounds,
desiring her to lay it up safe for him, she took
the Bag and promised to keep it safe, and so she
did from him: The Devil was one of her Privy
Councel who advised her to perswade her Husband
to murder the Gentleman for his money,
which thus they cunningly effected as they
thought, but he that did set them at work will
pay them their wages.
At midnight she and her Husband entred the
Gentlemans Chamber through a private door
which was hid behind the hangings, a Sally-port
for a thousand Rogueries they committed; mine
Host with a Pillow he had brought with him, and
the assistance of his wife, smothered the Gentleman
as he lay in his bed, having so done, and
putting on his Cloathes, they laid him down into
the Stable, and there with a Rope ty’d to a
beam, they hung him up, and so went to Bed;
In the morning the Hostler going into the Stable
found a Gentleman there hanging, upon
sight whereof he ran into the house with an Outcry,
which quickly reacht the ears of the Neighbourhood,
so that in an instant the house was
filled with people, every one giving his Verdict
as his imagination prompted him; the general
Vogue was that for some discontent he had thus
desperately made away with himself. This old
Beldam had the impudence to come into the
Throng of the people, and there declare her
Hypocritical sorrow for the death of her Guest,
protesting that she would have given an hundred
pounds with all her heart, that no such
.bn 034.png
.pn +1
thing had hapned in her house. I took notice,
said the Host, of his extraordinary melancholy
last night, and reproving him for his unsociableness,
he clapt his hand upon his breast, and with
erected eyes to heaven, he groaned so loud and
long that I thought it would have been his last.
This prodigious lye would have wrought wonderfully
upon the belief of the People, being a
strong Circumstance of his despair or great discontent,
had not this unlucky boy which I told
you of before, cryed out, true good people, I
heard him groan too, but it was when my Master
and Mistress were hanging him up in the Stable,
what they had been doing with him before
I know not, but I saw them as I lay under the
manger bring in his body, which seem’d to me as
dead, and had they seen me, I believe I had not
been now living; my Mistress had the chiefest
hand in this work as I judge, for she got up into
the Rack, and stradling the beam tyed the Rope,
then did my Master raise the body in his Arms
for her to put the noose about his neck; this is a
truth said he, for which I will rather dy then deny.
His Master hearing this, and being conscious
to himself that this was no ly which the boy
said, betook himself to his heels, whilst his wife
with a brazen countenance was justifying her innocence.
The people seeing the flight of one,
and the matchless impudence of the other, concluded
them guilty; and laying hands on her
first, and hold of him after, they secured them
with the boy till the Constable was fetched, who
came immediately and carried them before a
Justice, where being examined they stood out
stiffly in their own vindication, maugre the boys
peremptory and undaunted accusation; In fine
.bn 035.png
.pn +1
their guilty consciences would not let them longer
persist in their justification, but confest the
Fact that it was an hundred pounds which was
committed to their charge by the Gentleman, that
first tempted them to smother him, the Devil
helping them to way they thought undiscoverable.
They were committed to a Goal, where
they lay till Assizes; at which time they were
both sentenced to dye.
Glad was I that it should come into my head
to ramble into the Countrey at that nick of time,
for my extraordinary familiarity with them might
have raised a suspition to the endangering of my
person, besides the boy which accused them had
a spight against me for causing him to be soundly
bang’d sometimes for some Roguish trick he
served me; one he play’d a little before this Murder
was committed, and being basted for it, I
heard him say mutteringly, he would find a time
to be even, judge you whether he be not, however
thus he was an unhappy Roguish boy, yet
Heaven judged him a fit Instrument to discover
a deed so bloody and horribly wicked.
Coming to the place of Execution, I could not
see in my Hosts face any considerable marks of
remorse or penitency, only the fear of Death had
screwed his face into a hundred ugly affrighting
formes: She for her part ascended the Ladder
after she had seen the death of her Husband, with
magnanimity and Courage; having been in Prison
according to report, the greatest Penitent
that ever was known to go thence and suffer as
a Malefactor, I say she standing undauntedly on
the Ladder, spake to the People after this manner,
which I here recount as carrying some very remarkable
things in it.
.bn 036.png
.pn +1
.ce 2
The Speech of a Notoriously-wicked Woman
at her Execution.
.sp 2
Christian People, the greatness of my sins have
cry’d loud to Heaven for Vengeance a long time,
but Mercy hath interceded for the prolongation of my
life, to give me a long and fair opportunity for Repentance,
but this long forbearance hath but hardned my
heart, and made it obdurate; so that my black and horrid
Sins grew so numerous that they awakened divine
Justice (which hitherto seemed to sleep) to find me out,
and bring me to this shameful and condign punishment.
As I am here before you a sad spectacle of misery,
so I hope you will beg of God mercy for my poor sinful
soul, which from my Cradle to this time hath been
polluted not with Crimes of a common Die, but such
as were conceived in the Womb of Hell, and Midwiv’d
by me into this wicked world. What Tragical
unpattern’d Mischiefs they have acted on the
Theatre of my native Countrey, my tongue (that
cursed Accessary in the ruine of some Families) shall
not conceal from you, since I cannot hide them from
the knowledge of God Allmighty.
When I was so young I wanted power to perpetrate
Villany, I had strong inclinations to the acting thereof;
I was no sooner wean’d, but I had like to have killed
that Mother who gave me life, by pricking her in
the naked breast with a Bodkin I took out of her Head-cloaths,
she being then half asleep, holding me in her
Lap, when I arrived to the age of fifteen, the boiling
of my blood would not let me rest till I had somewhat
qualified its heat in the unlawful reception of a
.bn 037.png
.pn +1
young man, after which sinful act I found my self with
Child, to prevent the shame whereof I murdered it,
thinking to hide one smaller sin by the greatness of another;
the death I am about to suffer should have been
the reward of that execrable murder; and I now wish
it had been so, for then I had not strangled in the very
birth (to abscond my whoredom from my Husband)
a Child, the product of my insatiate lust with a
Blackmoor, who afterwards lost his own life in the
destructions of my Husbands; neither had I been
the cause of the death of two more, had I not been
the basely obscene Prostitute to them both.
But one more remarkable murder then any yet I have
related, I must not conceal, the burden whereof lies
like a mountain on my already over-loaded Conscience.
Passing one time for a maid, though then a common
debauched whore, this Inn-keeper, (my fellow-sufferer,
and justly so, since he was my Co-partner and Complotter
in a thousand Roguish Contrivances) courted
me to be his Wife: being informed of his wealth I
easily condescended, not regarding his goodness so
much as his Goods, and lest he might find what I
was on our Nuptial Night; I caused a pure, but
poor Virgin whom I hired to lye in my place for that
time, but over-sleeping her prefixt time I had appointed
for my exchanging places with her, I was
forc’d to fire the house, in which confusion she running
down to a Well in the yard to get water, I pursued
her, and partly to be revenged, and partly to be
secured from her future discovery, I tumbled her
into the Well, and there she perished: As to the last
murther of this Gentlemen, I must needs confess my
Husband, though superlatively wicked, had no inclination
thereunto, had I not perswaded him; nay, upbraided
.bn 038.png
.pn +1
him with pusillanimity and cowardize if he
would not be my Coadjutor and Assistant therein.
Now do I wish from the bottom of my disconsolate
Soul, I had as many lives as deaths I have occasioned,
to offer up as a Sacrifice which might expiate so
many crying sins of murder, as I have committed in
my life time, this one is too small a satisfaction for
the loss of so many. And had I not forfeited it to the
Law, yet I ought not to live, considering the debauched
course of life I ever liv’d, being no more than a rank
stinking weed, which hindred, nay choak’d the
growth of wholesom herbs and flowers, which otherwise
might have proved delightful in their fragrancy.
And now to conclude, if you intend to escape this
shameful punishment, and not to be made an example
to others, as I am now to you, shun all these Vices
and Debaucheries which have dragged me to this accursed
end, and do not promise to your selves a better
conclusion, if from the beginning thereof you continue
the prosecution of vicious and debauched Courses;
I was as confident as any he or she here, that hanging
was too ignominious a death for such a piece of Gallantry
as I was, but assure your self Heaven has no
respect of persons; the Sword of Justice spares no
more the shining Gallant and huffing Bravo, than the
meanest smutty Tinker; And so desiring the Prayers
of the Spectators for her, having rendred her private
Applications for her eternal concern, she gave the
sign to the Hangman, and she was so turned off.
.tb
This speech of the dying person Mistress Dorothy
rehearsed to me, with so much passion, giving each
word so becoming an accent, that I must confess to
.bn 039.png
.pn +1
you it wrought wonderfully on me, nay it so startled
me, that I now began to consider what would become
of me since laying aside murder, (having
never imbrewed my hands in blood) I was more
notorious in all manner of Vice than the narrowness
of a female Soul could be capable of imagining
much less of acting, why should I then humor
myself into a fancy of escaping, since I have
seen so many dismal Examples of this nature,
some whereof I have told you, and more I shall of
my intimates in the prosecution of my Story, who
notwithstanding they have craftily endeavoured
to conceal their nefarious actions and projections,
yet have been found out by the omnipotent, nay
then when they thought him to sleep over their
hainous transgressions, which puts me in mind of
an excellent passage of Juvenal, though he be a
Heathen, in his Satyr 13.
.pm start_poem
——————— Fatebere tandem
Nec surdum, nec tiresiam, quenquam esse Deorum.
Let us confess, since we at last shall finde,
None of the Gods are either deaf, or blind.
.pm end_poem
Craving pardon of Mistress Dorothy, I desired her
to proceed, which she did in this manner: Having
staid the Execution of my old friend (which was no
small trouble to me,) but durst not be present lest she
should discover my Rogueries too, since she was so
ingenious to acknowledge her own to the world; I
say, I staid no longer than to get what things I had
ready, and desiring the Soldier to attend me to London,
he had so much favor from his Office, as to get
a furlow for eight weeks, and so away we march’d:
.bn 040.png
.pn +1
Immediately after our arrival, I took Lodgings
in Covent-Garden, and having cloath’d him like a
Gentleman as he was, we agreed to call each other
Cousin, lodging under one and the same Roof.
His company was very agreeable and complaisant,
which made me take a great delight in his society.
He had a good command of his Mother-tongue,
expressing every thing eloquently and facetely,
which his invention furnished his mouth withal;
when at any time we were alone, he would be
continually telling me one Story or other, but
chiefly a great many beyond Sea Cheats, some
whereof he was an eye-witness, but because they
all concerned his own Sex, I desired that he would
give himself the trouble to recount something of
ours; undoubtedly, said I, you were acquainted
with the females abroad as well as at home, and
I cannot be so ignorant to believe you have not
conversed with them. Yes, replyed he, or else I
had been to blame, and should have lost one of
the principal ends I went for, If I had not been acquainted
as well with the Madam, as the Monsieur;
but, continued he, I do not think it proper to recount
any of the frailties of women to one of that
Sex, that discourse is more proper with men when
we triumph and boast of our witty encounters, and
waggish over-reachings of that Sex. But, replyed
I to him, as you have done all this, and spent
some time in the recitals, so I pray let me further
engage you to acquaint me with somewhat of that
nature. That you may see, replyed he, how much
I am your Servant, I will obey you, and tell you
two Stories of two women, who were excellent, and
their Stories considerable different.
.bn 041.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. III.
.pm start_summary
The Gentleman Soldier gives an account how he
came acquainted with an extraordinary beautiful,
yet seemingly reserved Courtezan, who slighting
him having spent all upon her, he makes himself
amends, by cheating her of what she had gotten;
he gains acquaintance with a Mercers Wife by a
mistake, or rather by Letters falling accidentally
into his hands, that were sent her by her Inamoretto,
by which means he finds a sufficient reward,
besides his sensual enjoyment of so lively and grateful
a Mistress.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
Be pleased to know then, continued he, that
when I came first into Paris, I supposed that
as I was young, handsome, and in a very rich gentle
Garb, so I did believe that it would not be long
e’re I should have some Message or invitation from
some Madam or other, but although I waited long
for this Adventure, yet I met with nothing to that
purpose, but all the French-Ladies although they
are in their converse open and free, yet come up
close to them, and they are as cold as December or
that which is colder, Charity, they would not at
all be so charitable to me a stranger, as permit me
to close with them, so that I thought I must have
returned from thence as wise as I went, for any
thing I should know of women; I finding that
of my self I could not do any thing, therefore I
observed those of my acquaintance what they did
in that Case, and at length I found that for all
their braggs they were as well furnished with Mistresses
as I was, and indeed had none, or at the
.bn 042.png
.pn +1
least none at all that they durst particularly own,
but a poor common Courtesanna: I seeing there
was no better to be had, was resolved rather than
fail to put in there, and to play at small Game
rather than stand out: wherefore I took the next
opportunity of going with one of my acquaintance
to one of those houses, but although I had
fasted a great while, yet my stomach was so
squeamish that I liked nothing that was there,
but only in drinking and talking spent some time
and so departed.
I was observed whilest I was there by an old
grave Matrona, who two or three days after,
meeting me, alone, told me that she had seen
me at the house aforesaid, by which she could
guess at my business, and finding that there was
never a Dish that liked my Pallat, and being desirous
to be civil to, and accommodate all strangers,
she would pleasure me so far, as to bring
me acquainted with the most celebrated beauty
of all Paris. I liked her Proposition; first gave
her thanks, and then told her if she would name
the time and place, I would gladly wait on her;
She told me that she was ready at all times and
in all places to serve me, and that I might therefore
appoint what time I pleas’d. I who had no
business but my pleasure answered that if she
would about four of the Clock in the afternoon
come to the Place where we then were, I would
not fail to meet her, she telling me that she would
come at the time, we parted; I went to sprucifie
my self and put Money in my pocket, and she
went as I suppose to prepare the Madam to receive
me. The time being come, I went to the
place appointed, where I met with my Conductress
who already waited for me, I went with her,
.bn 043.png
.pn +1
and in short time we arrived at the house intended,
I was conducted up stairs, and received
by the Lady with much kindness; the old woman
made a Speech to us both, tending to the purpose
intended, and then wine being call’d for and
a Banquet, we regalled our selves, and spent our
time in pleasant conversation; the old woman
knowing what I came for, in convenient time left
me alone with the Lady, who permitted me to
take the satisfaction I desired, and then I giving
her a handful of Crown-pieces, which was the key
of the work, and she promising me a continuance
of her love. The old woman was again call’d
for, when she came we renewed our discourse,
which continuing for some time longer, I also
giving somewhat to the old woman, and the Servants
of the house, we soon after parted.
As I went to my lodging I considered of the
Adventure I had met with, and the next day enquired
what this Lady was, and upon enquiry
found that she was a Right Bona Roba, but such
an one that was not ordinary, but reserved, and
only kept company with the better sort of Monsieurs,
I was well enough pleas’d, with what had
happened, and was resolved during my stay in
Paris to look no further after any female, and
accordingly I often frequented her house, and
was received as kindly as I could expect, I
commanded the house in all I pleased, and lay
there when I thought good; but this my pleasure
consumed and confounded my pocket, and
my allowance from England being but small, was
in short time so wasted that I could not hold out
to spend so largely as I had done, and as the
strength of my pocket decreased, so did her love
diminish, and when I had no more mony, she
.bn 044.png
.pn +1
had no more love. No longer pipe, no longer dance,
and now as others had formerly been denied, and
kept out of her doors, to entertain me, so then
the doors were shut against me for others; I was
vexed at the baseness and ingratitude of this
woman, and resolv’d to be revenged of her if I
could, and I made it my only study to do so, I
had written into England for mony, which was
in short time to come, till when I plaid the good
husband, and staid within doors, and so recovered
my expences, so that when my mony came, I was
in Capacity to put new Cloaths on my back, and
good store of Crowns in my pocket, I likewise
borrowed some Rings of some of my acquaintance,
to whom I communicated my design, desiring
their assistance, which they accordingly promised
me. Being thus well furnished, and set out
with good outside, new Clothes, I again attempted
to see my quondam Mistress, but was the first
time denied entrance, although I was so liberal
as to give the Servant a Crown-piece, and thereby
had the means to discover that I had more of the
same in my pocket, but the next time that I came
thither, I was admitted, and my Mistress pleasantly
saluting me, told me that I was very welcome
from my Voyage: I ask’d what Voyage?
she told me from England; I replyed I had not
been there lately; she told me that then some
body had abused her and me both, and told lies
of me; for, said she, I did not question if you had
been in these parts, but I should have seen you,
where you alwaies have been welcome; for, continued
she, you know that so long as I have a
house you may command your welcome in it; I
but, thought I, to little purpose, and concluded
that all these terms of welcome were but words
.bn 045.png
.pn +1
of Dissimulation, and would last no longer than
my money did in pocket, but being resolved to
prosecute my design, I would not so far take notice
of what she said as to quarrel with her about
it, but using my former wonted freedom, I sate
down, and call’d for such Wine and other things
as I had a mind to, and spent two or three hours
very pleasantly with her; and by that means renewing
my acquaintance, I gave no occasion of
distrust of what I intended. During my stay
there, I gave her the convenience of seeing a rich
Gold Watch I had in my pocket, and several
Rings I had on my fingers, and that my pockets
were very well lyned with Silver and Gold, and
drawing out as much as was sufficient, I delivered
it to her Servant to provide a Supper against the
next night, when I told her I would return and
sup, and lye there, she telling me I should be
welcome, we for that time parted. I then went
to two or three of my acquaintance who were to
help me in my Design, and directing them what
to do, the time appointed being come, I went to
her house, and knowing that my Mistress was a
great Lover of wine, and that it would be necessary
to make her drunk, I carried some bottles
with me; being arrived there, she again kindly
welcomed me, and pleas’d her eyes with beholding
my rich Suit of Cloaths, my Watch, Rings,
and the fulness of my pockets, not questioning
but that I would leave a good part of these behind
me, but she reckoned without her Host, as I
shall presently tell you.
Supper being ready we sate down at the Table,
and did eat plentifully, but did drink more abundantly,
I telling her that she must be merry, she
to oblige me drank of her Cups so roundly, that
.bn 046.png
.pn +1
she fell asleep as she sate at the Table, from
whence I caused her to be carried to bed, where
she was no sooner laid, but she fell a snoaring. I
then having given the Servants a dose of the same
Liquor caused them to go to Bed, telling them
that I could undress my self, and go to bed without
their assistance.
I then being alone looked about to see what
was to be done, I there saw a Cabinet wherein
was the womans Jewels and money, and looking
a little further I saw her Cloathes, and some
Plate, and not long after my friends whom I had
appointed being come, I began to work, first I
threw down out at the window her best Cloathes,
and all my own, and by the help of her Garters
I let down the Cabinnet, her Plate, and so much
as the silver Candlestick which we had used; this
done, I left the window open, and then went to
Bed to my Lady, who although she slept hard at
present, yet before morning she awaked, and
then we spent our time as we formerly had
done; and being somewhat wearied, we again
went to sleep, but about an hour after awaking
and finding that it was broad-day-light, I called
out for the Servant to bring me my Clothes that
I might rise, in regard (as I said) that I had some
business to dispatch that morning. But the Servant
looking about for them and not seeing them,
nor her Mistresses, nor the Cabinets, nor the Candlesticks,
and missing many things, which she had
over night left in the Chamber, and seeing one
of the Chamber windows open, she cryed out, O
Lord Madam, we are robb’d; at this cry her
Mistress drawing the Curtain, ask’d what was the
matter for that noise? O Lord, replyed the
wench, we are robb’d, for I cannot see your
.bn 047.png
.pn +1
Clothes, your Cabinet, your Plate, nor several
other things. Heavens forbid, said the Mistress,
I hope you lye; no truly Mistress, continued the
wench. Where then, said I, is my Clothes?
They are likewise stolen, replied the Wench, for
I cannot find them. At this word I seem’d to
be mightily astonished, and thereupon I said,
Madam, put these Tricks and Gulleries upon
others, and not upon me, who can see through
all your disguises, what do you intend, or think
to chowse me in this manner? How, my Love,
replyed she, what do you say? Now you see I
am utterly ruin’d, is this all the comfort you will
give me? No, no, replied I, you must sing another
song, or else i’le make you, because you
saw I came hither with good Clothes, and my
pockets cramm’d with Money and Jewels, you
think to catch me with this trick, making me believe
that you have been robb’d, but I swear to
you, continued I, that you shall not carry it thus,
and that I will go to the Magistrate and have
you and your Family every one of you clapt up;
and having thus said, I leapt out of the Bed; and
naked as I was in my shirt, I went to the window
and cryed out Thieves. This poor woman now
more dead than alive, seeing that beside her great
loss, she was likely to receive a great affront,
leap’d also out of the Bed, and falling about my
neck, with lifted up hands, and tears in her eyes,
begg’d of me to have pity on her, and that now
after she had lost all, I would not go to ruine her
quite in her Reputation; I therefore seemed to
be moved with her Prayers, but said to her, must
I be forced to live here for want of Clothes to
go out? No (replyed she) go to Bed again, and
I will send to one of my friends to borrow a suit
.bn 048.png
.pn +1
of Clothes for you, and thereupon she immediately
sent away to a French-Knight who was
one of her Gallants, to borrow one of his best
Suits of Clothes, pretending that she had a fancy
to disguise her self in mans apparel. The Messenger
soon returning, and bringing a fair Suit of
Clothes, and all other necessaries, I arose, dressed
my self, and taking my leave of my Mistress, went
to my friends, where upon examination of my
Cabinet, I found that I had increas’d my stock
to above twice as much treasure as I had spent
upon her, and a good Suit of Clothes into the
bargain: He having finished his Story (said Mistress
Dorothy) I told him he was very hard hearted
to use a poor Lady so, and one who had been so
kind to him, and that although she had refused
him admittance when all his Mony was spent,
there is some reason for it, for it is possible said I,
you would have brought her and your self into
extream beggery; well, replyed he, I know you
are not a competent Judge in this case, and therefore
I was unwilling to acquaint you with any of
these matters; but, continued he, I will if you
please, proceed in the other story I promised you,
and so conclude.
I desiring him so to do, he went on thus: I
being in this manner, said he, revenged of one
Mistress, did resolve to leave her off quite, lest she
should in time pay me off in my own Coin, and
did endeavour to get another, but could not meet
with or find any to my mind; but I and one of
those of my acquaintance who had assisted me in
my late exploit, one day talking of our female
friends, told me that indeed, although he had not
gain’d so much by a Mistress at once as I had
.bn 049.png
.pn +1
done by mine, yet he had such a Mistress as had
bin not only pleasing, but very profitable to him,
for said he, I can command fifty or a hundred
Crowns at any time; I marry Sir, said I, that is
a good Mistress indeed, and is more than ordinary;
yes replyed he, she is no ordinary person.
I hearing him say so, knew it was to no purpose
to ask her Name and Quality, but did resolve so
to watch him that I would find it out, I usually
therefore kept him Company and like his shadow
still attended him, but he being as cunning as I
was crafty, so privately mannag’d his amours,
that I could not possibly find him out, I therefore
sometimes lay with him, and took the opportunity
of searching his Pockets for Letters,
but found none, so that I was very doubtful of
attaining my Ends, which was to discover who
this unknown invisible Lady was, I finding that
my acquaintance was too close to get any thing
out of, was resolved to take another course, and
since I could not out-wit the Master, try if my
Boy could out-wit his; I therefore instructed my
Boy in what he was to do, and ordered him to
get in with the other, and get out of him one
time or other, whether he did not carry Letters
to any Persons, and to whom. My Boy was not
so long about his Discovery as I had been about
mine, for in a short time he told me that the
Boy was often employed to carry Letters to
a Mercers Maid, who lived in the next street,
and also to a Carrier who conveyed Letters
to an Unkle; I now partly knowing
the Who, was desirous of knowing the What,
and therefore ordered my Boy by one means
or other to get one of his Letters and bring it unto
.bn 050.png
.pn +1
me. He so well discharged himself in this employ,
that it was not long e’re he brought me one. I
being very curious to know the Contents, soon opened
it, for heating a Knife in the fire, I put it
under the Seal, which melted the Wax in that
place, and so it was open, wherein I found these
expressions. Madam,
.dc 0.2 0.7
I am very sorry that I am so unfortunate, that in
the term of fourteen days I have not had the
happiness of waiting on you, sure the old man is
grown jealous, or which is worse, you begin to slight
me, or else some expedient might have been found to
have deceived him: I shall say no more at present,
referring the rest of my Complaints till I see you,
which happy minute I beseech you hasten, or else you
will very much afflict
.ll 66
.rj
Your constant Friend,
.ll
.ll 68
.rj
S. N.
.ll
When I had read the Letter, I was almost as
much to seek as I was before, because it was directed
to one who was a Servant to the Mercer,
but upon second thoughts I concluded, that although
it was directed to the Maid, yet it might
be intended to the Mistress, as indeed it was; I
having read the Letter, melted some wax and
sealed it again, the impression of the old Seal remaining
as fair as formerly. My Boy who brought
it me, asked if he should carry it again; I first,
before I answered him, enquired of him how he
came by it? he told me thus, that the other boy
told him he had Letters to carry for his Master;
and therefore, said he if you will go to the River and
wash, I have, said he a good excuse; I (said my boy)
told him that I would go with him if he would go
.bn 051.png
.pn +1
strait, then to the River; he replyed, he was commanded
to carry the Letter first, but I perswaded
him to go first to the River, to the end that I might
serve you in what you commanded, and therefore
being come to the water, I did not make so much
hast as he, but let him go to in, so soon as he was in
the water, I searching his pockets, and finding this
Letter came with all speed and told the other boys
that were there, that I would go in at a place a
little further, and swim down to them; and so, Sir,
said he to me, I made all possible haste, and have
here brought the Letter; I having heard his Tale,
commanded him to run with all expedition, and put
the Letter into the boyes pocket, he did so, and was
not at all discovered, or suspected. I having thus
gained some knowledge in my friends amours and
being desirous to discover more, walked out to the
Street where the Mercer dwelt, where I saw both
man and wife in the Shop, there was much disparity
in their years, for he seemed to be seventy,
and she not above twenty four, I presently guessed
that this must be she, and therefore pretending to
buy, I went into the Shop, where I was shewed several
Stuffs by her, he sitting at the further end of
the shop coughing by himself; she had such a winning
way in perswading me to the goodness and
cheapness of the Stuff, that although I had no intention
to buy, yet I laid out some money with her,
she was perfectly handsome, and it had been great
pity if she had onely been tyed to that old Carcass,
but I knew that she had a friend who could do her
business for her, and all that I then wished, was
that I might be in his place, and take his turn;
and this I was resolved to do, or stretch my wit
on the tenters of invention.
.bn 052.png
.pn +1
The next day my Boy brought me another
Letter, which was from my Companions Unkle,
and I having opened that as I had done the former,
found that his Unkle was sick, but however
intended to be in Paris in few days, and then he
would supply him with the money he desired; I
closed the Letter again, and the boy conveyed it
to the place where he had it, viz. the other boys
pocket, who gave it to his Master two hours after
when he returned home, being for the present gone
out; by this Letter I understood that he had his
maintenance from his Unkle, and that he had
lately written for some, and that this was the answer:
I took exact of his Unkles name, and
writ it down in my Table book; I being desirous
to discover from himself what I partly knew already,
to that end I walked out with him, and engaged
him to go into that Street where the Mercer dwelt,
but although we did so, and I then curiously observed
him, yet he did not so much as cast an eye
into the Shop, although the Woman and her Husband
were both there, but I remember turning
down by that Shop into a blind Lane, he looked
towards a back-door, which I then perceived was
belonging to that house, and which I guessed might
be the way whereby he went to his Mistress.
I having made all these inspections into the matter
in hand, was resolved to make some further use
of my experience. When about ten days after my
boy came sweating to me, and told me that he had
gotten another Letter, which the other boy received
in his Masters absence, who would not be back in
two hours, but then he must deliver it to him; who
brought it? said I, a Porter: said the Boy; I hearing
.bn 053.png
.pn +1
this had a mind to have delivered it back again
without opening, because I did suppose it came
only from his Unkle, or some other Friend, about
some ordinary affairs, not judging that a Letter of
Love would be sent by an ordinary Porter; I was
in this determination, which had I followed I
should have thought my self very unfortunate, but
a curiosity possessing me, I resolved to see the Contents,
wherefore using my former way of heating
my Knife, I opened the Letter and therein found
these Lines:
.sp 1
My dear Friend,
.dc 0.1 0.7
I hope at your last visit I gave you satisfaction in
every thing, especially why I had not seen you for
fourteen days before, I must confess it was a long
time of absence and you may assure your self that I
thought it so as well as you, I also hope that you have
no suspition of my constancy, and that you may assure
your self of my love to you, I have provided the hundred
Crowns you desired, if you come on Thursday
night about eleven of the Clock to our Back door, our
trusty Servant will let you in, and conduct you to a
Chamber, where I will attend you, but I must engage
you not to speak to me, for I am in great fear of your
being over-heard, by my Husbands Kinswoman,
who lies the next wall to me, and is very curious
over me; follow these directions and you shall engage,
.ll 64
.rj 2
Your constant Friend,
M. L.
.ll
.sp 1
How much was I surpriz’d in the reading of this
Letter, you may easily judge, but you may be sure
I was resolved not to part from it, but now I concluded
I might put my Design in practice; I had not
.bn 054.png
.pn +1
long consulted with my self what to do, but I had
resolved my self in all doubts and scruples; and
therefore taking Pen, Ink and Paper, I writ this
following Letter:
Sir,
.dc 0.4 0.7
Your Unkle, according to his intentions of
coming to Paris, was come so far as my house,
but was there taken so sick, that he could not, neither
is he able at present to proceed in his Journey, and
doubting that he will be worse, hath ordered me to
send to you that you may be acquainted with it, and
withal, that you may come to him, he not being able
to come to you, therefore expects you here with all the
expedition you can make, this is all at present from
.ll 60
.rj
Your loving Friend,
.ll
.ll 64
.rj
though unknown,
.ll
.ll 68
.rj
L. T.
.ll
This Letter being thus written, I dated it two
days before, and subscribed it from an Inn in a
Town forty miles off from Paris, it was directed
to him in the usual manner and form; and so
having seal’d it, I gave it my Boy, who soon conveyed
it to the place where he had the other.
And that my Project might take effect, I went
immediately to find him out, resolving to keep
him continually in my sight, and oversee all his
Actions, from the time he should receive his Letter,
till I should see him on Horseback, on his
Journey. I soon found him out, and went home
with him, where the Boy gave him the Letter,
he opened it, and retired, I gave him the conveniency
of reading it, which he soon did, and
coming up to me, told me that he had hasty
.bn 055.png
.pn +1
News; is it private? replyed I; no, said he,
but I think I must leave your company for a few
days; when, said I? To morrow morning, said
he; that is much! replyed I, sure it is hasty News
indeed, if you must be gone so soon; yes truly,
said he, you may see the Letter, and then you
may judge of the matter; hereupon he delivered
me the Letter, which I having read over, told
him that indeed if this Unkle, who was sick, was
as nearly allied to him in friendship, as he was in
consanguinity, that then it was necessary he
should suddenly obey his orders. He is, replyed
he, not only my Unkle, but my Father, For I
never knew no other Father I had, for my Father
his Brother died, when I was but six months
old, and left me and my Estate to his disposing;
neither continued he, hath he any Child or Relation
nearer than I am; I told him that if it were
so, I would advise him not to let any time slip,
but to take Horse and be gon that night; he was
unwilling so to do, for, said he, I have another
affair to dispatch that is of considerable consequence.
I supposing it was his Love business,
and being resolv’d to bear him off from all proceeding
therein at the present, fearing lest he
should send some Letter, and so my design would
be frustrate; I therefore said, that nothing whatever
should hinder me from present going, if I
were in his condition, and if he would communicate
his other affairs to me, I would act for him all
I could to my power; he answered me that the
affairs he meant were of such a quality, that none
but himself could dispatch; I replyed that I then
supposed they might be of some Love-concern, to
this he only laughed, and finding that he had a
great inclination to do somewhat in that nature
.bn 056.png
.pn +1
that might spoil my design; I therefore used so
many arguments with him to cause him to begin
his Journey, that I saw him that Evening on
horseback, with a resolution to ride twenty miles
onwards of his Journey that night, that so he
might reach the end of it the next day betimes.
And now I having dispatch’d him out of the
way, did not question but I might accomplish
my design as I had determin’d. It was but then
but Tuesday night, and the time appointed by
the Letter was Thursday night, so that till then
I waited with some impatience, but the hour
being come, I went to the Place, which was the
Back-door, which I had formerly taken notice of.
I was so desirous of finishing the Adventure I
was about, that I had made more haste than ordinary,
and being come somewhat before the
precise time, I was forced to wait, not daring to
knock lest I should offend. But long I had not
staid, before an adjoyning Clock struck eleven,
and within less than a minute afterwards the door
opened, and a Female looking out, and seeing
me walk, beckoned me to come on; I did so, and
without one words speaking, entred the house,
and following my Conductress close at the heels,
went up stairs, and coming to a Chamber-door,
she only said, now Sir, you may enter there to
your and my Mistress, and stay till I come and
call you, which will be about two hours hence,
but I pray be sure you talk not, lest that discover
you; I listened attentively to what was told me,
and promising obedience only by a Bow which I
made, the Servant left me, and I entred the
Chamber; although there was no Candle, yet I
could see where the Bed stood, and going thither
I saw my Mistress whom I saluted, and then retiring
.bn 057.png
.pn +1
pul’d off my Clothes and leap’d into Bed
to her, I lay down by her, and during the two
hours time I staid, you may be sure I was not
idle, I made no noise by speaking, knowing that
it might be of dangerous consequence in a double
manner; and the two hours being come, our
attendant came and told me it was time to rise.
I though unwilling enough did so, and putting
on my Clothes was soon dress’d, and coming once
more to kiss my Mistress, she told me softly that
in the window in a Purse was the hundred Crowns
she promis’d, I making her a profound Reverence,
and kissing her hand, went thither, and finding
the Purse, put it into my pocket, and the Maid
hastning me, I departed, when she came to the
Back-door, she told me that e’re many days, she
would find a way how I might enjoy my Mistress
with more freedom; I pulling a Crown out of
my pocket, put it into her hand, and bade her
goodnight: And thus, said the young Gentleman,
did I obtain my Ends upon this Gentlewoman;
and (said he) I being now entred was resolved to
proceed, and therefore the next day went again
by the door, and seeing none but her self in the
Shop, I entred, and desired to see silk enough for
a New Suit; she shew’d it me, and I soon agreed
on the price, giving her own demands, but when
I came to pay, and drew out the purse she had
given me, which was a very remarkable one;
she looked very wishfully on it; Nay Madam said
I, it is the same I receiv’d of you last night; how!
replied she, am I betraid then? No dear Madam,
said I, there is no Treachery in the
Case, onely the excess of my love to you, made
me run a great hazard; I hope, Sir, replyed
she, you are not guilty of any murder of my
.bn 058.png
.pn +1
former friend: no Madam, (said I) I have only
by a piece of Wit remov’d him at present; well,
Sir, (replied she) you seem to be a Gentleman of
that temper that you will not wrong a Woman, I
have not time or opportunity to discourse you at
large, but that I might engage you to secrecy, I
not only freely give you the money you have in
possession, but also I desire you to accept this Stuff
you intended to buy, and I pray with your first
conveniency let me have an Account of this
strange Adventure; I had hardly time to answer
her (You shall Madam) but her Husbands Kinswoman
came near us, all that I could do was to
deliver the parcel to my Boy, and making the
ordinary Reverence, I departed.
.bn 059.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. IV.
.pm start_summary
Mistress Dorothy finishes the Story of the Gentleman-Soldier
and Mercers Wife; who being returned
to England, renews his Suit to his old
Mistress, though married to another, whose weakness
made the match unsuitable, whose Estate depending
on an Heir, and this Husband uncapable
of getting one, gave the Gentleman that opportunity
whereby he at once had a Wife, an Heir, and
an Estate.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
Thus (continued the young Gentleman) did I
initiate my acquaintance with this woman,
which is one of the best and pleasantest Adventures
of my life, and indeed, said he, I have no
cause to complain of women, for that Sex hitherto
hath been very lucky to me, as you may guess
by my Story of the Courtezan, whose Cabinet
and other things I conveyed away; and now by
this second French adventure I was likely to gain
more, and that more honourably than by the
other. But, continued he, in six days after my
Companion returned from his Journey; I asked
him if we must not all have Stables; Why? said
he; because, replied I, I suppose that your Unkle
is dead, and hath left you all he hath: No such
matter, replied he, but I could wish that he were
hang’d that writ the Letter; why? said I, I think
it was very carefully done, of him, and that he
deserved not only thanks, but a Reward; I should
reward him if I knew who he was, said he: Why,
cannot you find him? said I; No, nor no body
else, said he, there is no such sign nor no such
man, living in or near that Town, nor in all that
Countrey, that I could hear of; but I hope (said
.bn 060.png
.pn +1
I) there was and is such an Unkle; yes, reply’d
he, and Heavens be praised, in health too, but I
was forc’d to go further a field to find him, for
after I had spent a whole day in fruitless search
for the Host, who sent the Letter, and could not
hear of any Tale nor Tidings of him, I being
within thirty miles of my Unkles habitation,
thought it very proper to ride on thither, and so
I did, but when I came I found him well and
lusty, I shewed him the Letter, and thereby he
knew the occasion of my Journey, but he knew
not who writ it, and he and I both concluded it
was a trick put upon me, however we were joyful
to see one another well, and he intended to take
a journey to Paris in few days, to order me some
moneys, but since I was come my self, he resolved
to desist from that Journey, and give me Bills of
Exchange, fain he would have engaged me to
have staid there for some days longer, but telling
him I had affairs of consequence to dispatch at
Paris, that required my presence, he gave me
leave to depart; and so, said he, with all possible
expedition I am returned: and you are very
welcome (replyed I) but this was a very strange
adventure of the Letter, and I cannot tell to what
purpose, nor I neither said he, but I hope to find
it out, for I preserve the Letter carefully. I gave
him the hearing, and now knowing his thoughts,
I believed my self obliged to mind his Actions;
as for the Letter he had, and his Design of finding
out the Writer of the Letter by the hand, I
knew he could not, for although I writ it, yet it
was in such a hand as I never writ before, and
which I then writ on purpose not to be discovered
by it, if he should be acquainted with my hand,
as hitherto he was not, wherefore I car’d not for
.bn 061.png
.pn +1
that, but my chiefest care was in charging my
Boy to watch his, and knowing that he would
suddenly write a Letter to send to his Mistress, I
commanded him to use all possible diligence to
get it into his Custody, and bring it to me, as
being a matter of very great consequence.
My Boy followed my directions so carefully,
that he attained his ends, but with much difficulty,
for no sooner was my friend parted from
me, but he writ a Letter to his Mistris, and giving
it to the Boy, charged him immediately to
carry it: My Boy who waited all his motions,
seeing him running with a Letter in his hand,
asked him what haste? great haste, said the Boy,
and would have proceeded, but my boy caught
hold on him, and said, how now, what is your
haste so great that you cannot spare time to drink
with your friends? time enough for that anon,
said the Boy, and would have proceeded; but
my Boy knowing how strictly I had charged him
about this Letter, was resolv’d by Hook or by
Crook to be Master of it, and therefore told him,
that although he had not been so civil as to give
him his Foy when he went out (for he had been
the Journey with his Master) yet he would now
give him his Welcome home. The other understanding
there was drink in the case, and that of
free-cost, went in with him to the next Drinking
house, and my boy knowing what a work he had
in hand, calling for a quart of Wine, desired a
Room above stairs, so that up they went, and my
Boy intending to fuddle the other, cheated him
in his drink, for after two or three Glasses were
off, and the other boy began to be merry, my
Boy drank water, and the other wine, so that in
short time he was knock’d down, and fell asleep;
.bn 062.png
.pn +1
and it was not long e’re he took the Letter out
of his pocket, and that he might make all sure,
he lock’d the Chamber door, bringing the Key
with him, and thus he securing the Letter, and
boy both; came to me, and brought me the Letter,
which I immediately opened, and read these
words:
.sp 1
Madam,
.dc 0.2 0.7
Ever since that fortunate Minute wherein I first
had the happiness to be acquainted with you,
my stars I thank them have been very propitious to
me; and Dame Fortune (how unconstant soever she
hath been to others) hath yet been to me very favourable,
so that till within these few days I could boast
that no malevolent Planet hath had any malign influence
in my ascendant; I thought and hoped I
should have lived and died in this opinion; but I
now have cause enough to change my mind, for I
have lately had such a cross adventure, that I yet
know not what to think of it, but if all be right and
well with you, I then bid defiance to fortune; Madam,
I am very unquiet and much puzzeld, so that I know
not how to begin, nor well know what to say to you,
but hoping you will pardon this impertinence, and
attribute it to my perplexity; I shall thus plainly
begin with you, and this it is: Madam, about ten
days since when I last was with you, among other
Requests I desired a hundred Crowns of you for a
present use, till my Vnkle whom I every day expected
should come to Town; in regard you never refused
me anything, I did not doubt of that, and therefore
expected to hear from you accordingly, but just at that
time when I expected a Letter from you, I received one
from my Vnkle, as I thought, whereby, as that Letter
.bn 063.png
.pn +1
inform’d me, I thought it absolutely necessary to leave
Paris, and go to him forty miles, to a Town where
he lay sick, I was perswaded to be gone immediately,
and indeed over-rul’d by an intimate friend, and one
that I have so great a respect for, that I had no reason
to suspect, and what he urged being as I thought
reasonable: I soon mounted on Horse-back, and departed,
I must beg your pardon that I did not acquaint
you with this sudden remove, but it was impossible to
do it without suspition of my Friend from whom I
have hitherto conceal’d our amours, as I have done
from all the world besides.
This Letter which I received, I found was but
forged, and written on purpose to cause me to leave
the City, but if in my absence I have not received
some prejudice in your opinion, I account all the rest
of my trouble and vexation as nothing, wherefore I
pray Madam, let me know in what condition I am
with you, and whether you know any thing, and what
you do know of this Adventure, and I shall always
remain
.ll 60
.rj
Your constant Friend
.ll
.ll 68
.rj
S. N.
.ll
.sp 1
When I had read this Letter, I found that half
my work was done to my hand, for I was resolved
to write to this woman, and now having a
fit opportunity I writ as followeth.
.sp 1
Madam,
.dc 0.2 0.7
Some months ago I had occasion to lay out some
money in some Stuff, and my good fortune guiding
me to your Shop, I there not only saw, but pitied
.bn 064.png
.pn +1
you, for that I saw you were wedded to one more fit
to be your Father than Husband; that pity begot
love, and that so violent, that I knew not how to
suppress it, I thought it might be possible to be favourably
receiv’d by you, but knew not how to make my
Addresses to you, lest your honour should be brought
in question, I therefore waited all opportunities, and
at length found one, the most lucky that could befal;
for my friend Mounsieur N. being absent and a
Letter of yours coming into my hands, I had a great
curiosity to see it, doubting that it was, what indeed
I found it to be, a Letter of Love; but when I found
that it was from you, and that thereby was a particular
appointment for him to come to you; I was
mightily pleas’d, and you may judge the great satisfaction
I receiv’d. My love towards you being so
violent, I was resolv’d to hazard my friendship to
him, and rather than fail, be a Traitor; and indeed,
what would I not have done, to have had the happiness
of enjoying you? Therefore Madam, knowing
his absence would be absolutely necessary, it was I that
fram’d that Letter which caused his Journey, and
thereby I had the happiness in his stead to be well
used by you and now Madam, you may unfold the
Riddle, but I hope you are so discreet as to conceal
the truth of this Adventure, which were it discovered,
would be of dangerous consequence, not only to us
both, but also to your own Reputation; I judge you
will conceal it, and hope you will give me other opportunities
of waiting on you, when I shall acquaint
you particularly how I came by that Letter and
this; Thus hoping that I may enjoy the second
place if not the first in your esteem, I rest
.ll 68
.rj
Your most ardently affectionate Friend, M. G.
.ll
.sp 1
.bn 065.png
.pn +1
This Letter being written, I enclosed it in the
other, and gave it my Boy, who ran immediately
to the house, where he left his drunken Companion,
and opening the door, he made so much
noise as awaked him, wherefore my Boy seeing
him ready to rise, ran to him, and insensibly convey’d
the Letter into his pocket.
The Boy being now pretty sober, remembred
the Errant he was sent about, and doubting he
should be chid would needs depart about it; my
Boy permitted him so to do, and so came home
to me.
And thus Mistress Dorothy (said he to me) did
I discover the whole intreague of this business to
my Mistress, and she soon after sent a Letter to
me, and another to my Friend, wherein she manag’d
the Concern so tenderly and so handsomely,
that she satisfied him and me both, and I having
a Summons from her, waited on her three miles
out of the Town, where I acquainted her with
all that she was ignorant of, and I pressed her so
with my affection, that she accepted me, and I
think in time I had the first place in her affection:
and thus said he, did I live the pleasantest life in
the world, all the time that I staid in Paris; and
now I hope, said he, I have satisfied you with my
amours, which hitherto had been very fortunate,
and I thank my Stars, Venus hath been ever my
Friend, or else I had not had the happiness of
your acquaintance, and thus did he fully finish
his discourse.
And now, said Mistress Dorothy, I have related all
that I think is convenient and necessary about my
Gentleman Soldier, and therefore I shall conclude
that Story; No, said I, I have some questions to ask
you, which I desire to be satisfied in, and which I believe
.bn 066.png
.pn +1
will engage you in a little further discourse:
That which I am first to desire of you is, that
since you have entertained us so largely, and indeed
pleasantly, with the adventures of the Gentleman
Soldier, that you would tell us what became
of him, and what more you know of him?
for, continued I, I am perswaded that all you
can say of him is so considerable, that it is worth
our hearing, and your recital. Truly, replyed
Mistress Dorothy, I have indeed somewhat more
to say of him, which may be as pleasant as the
rest, but his Stories being only things by the
by, and which do not at all concern you, and me
very little, I thought what hath been said already
is enough, but if you will needs hear me proceed
further, I will not refuse you the satisfaction you
desire.
I have already, told you of his two French Adventures,
neither did he tell me of any thing
more that befel him in France which was considerable;
but he having quitted that Countrey,
and being come to England, it was not long e’re
I came acquainted with him, and our acquaintance
proceeding to a familiarity, he not only related
to me all those adventures I have already
recited, but he also told me the condition and
state of his affairs at present: He told me
that he left England upon a discontent, for he
having been in love with a young Gentlewoman,
one of his own age and Quality, and that so long
and effectually, that he had won her to consent
to marriage, provided her Parents did so: but
when they came acquainted with his pretentions,
they absolutely refus’d it, for no other reason,
but that his estate did not equal hers, for she
was the only Child of her Parents, who were very
.bn 067.png
.pn +1
rich, and he although he was equal to her in
birth, yet in Estate he came far short, as being a
younger Brother, and having but a small allowance
or patrimony, nor indeed was there
much probability of any increase or addition to
his Estate: This was the Consideration why he
was refused, and therefore having again tryed
his Ladies mind, who although she loved him
well, yet was resolved in her marriage to be
wholly guided by her Friends, and finding himself
frustrated in his hopes, and expectations, he
therefore became melancholly and discontent, so
that to throw off that indisposition which this
had caused, he resolved for Travel, and thereupon
to France he went, where as I have told
you, Venus made him some amends for the dissatisfaction
he had had in England, but in time
he being weary of that place, and returning home,
he found his Mistress married to another, who
had been more fit for a winding-sheet than so
young and fair a Bride, for although he who had
married her was not very old, yet he was in a
deep Consumption, and thereby wholly incapacitated
to please a Lady. That which made
her Friends impose this Choice upon her, was
his great wealth: In this condition he found her
at his return, and considering the Condition she
was in, he had some hopes one day of enjoying
her, either as a Wife or Mistress; to this end he
made some Addresses to her, but they being taken
notice of by her Parents, but more especially
by her Husband, she was forced to command
him to forbear any more visits; with much unwillingness
he did obey her, but it was but for a
while, for he getting acquainted with her Chamber-maid,
who was flexible enough, or easie to
.bn 068.png
.pn +1
be made so by Gifts or Presents he bestowed
on her at present, and large promises of what he
would do for the future, so that in short time he
won her to be at his dispose, and to betray
her Masters secrets. Whereupon, when her Master
was absent, she presently gave him notice of
it, and perswaded her Mistress to walk abroad to
such places where he was sure to meet her. She
like a Woman of much vertue and constancy, for
a large time held out, and would not so much as
entertain any conversation with him, but in the
end by his humble and amorous Letters and fervent
Protestations of a vertuous love, promising
her that he designed nothing against her virtue,
and since he could not enjoy her Love, that he
might have the first place in her esteem; she at
length consented to treat with him, and now he
being admitted to treat, by degrees insinuated
his old love and great misfortune, he let her
know his great constancy, which as it had, so it
should continue with him till death, these discourses
and other arguments which he us’d, were
as the Bellows to blow up a flame out of the very
ashes where it had long lain, so that as she could
not deny but that she had formerly loved him,
and that most tenderly, so she could have done
so still, had she not been married, but being married,
she told him she must banish all thoughts of
former love: but as he had now brought her to
confess a former love, so he left not off there, but
by degrees perswaded her to a new friendship,
not a new one, but a renewing of the old; and as
friendship had been the first step to their former
love, so it was now, and she in a short time confessed
that as she had, so she still did love him:
.bn 069.png
.pn +1
in fine he brought her to this pass, that she confessed
she lov’d him as well as ever, and were
she free to choose a Husband, she would chuse
him before all the World; he having gain’d thus
much upon her, by degrees proceeded further,
and he promising to remain always unmarry’d,
in expectation of that time, that she might be
free to marry; she promised him that if ever that
time came, that she would certainly marry him
before all the persons in the world. At this
point they continued for some moneths, and her
Husbands Consumptive-distemper encreasing,
there was great hopes that in short time it would
send him to the other world, where he was wished
to be with all earnestness. As their converse
continued, so their love encreased, and he became
impatient of delays, and was so bold as to desire
of her the only thing she had refus’d him, but
very angry she was when he first made the proposition;
wherefore he was forced to forbear any
further discourse of that nature, but her Husbands
lingring Distemper continuing, our Lover was
out of all patience, and therefore he was once
again resolved to propound that to her, without
the enjoyment of which, he could not be happy
nor quiet, wherefore being resolv’d what to do,
he was now to think how to do it, and believing
that if he should begin any discourse upon a subject
which she hitherto had wholly dislik’d, he
should be interrupted and not heard out, and it
may be she would proceed into some violent language
against him, wherefore he was resolv’d to
communicate his thoughts to her in writing, and
there he intended to be very plain with her,
whereupon he writ, and sent her this Letter.
.bn 070.png
.pn +1
.sp 1
Madam,
.dc 0.2 0.7
It is now some years since I first began to affect you,
and that affection in time became so violent, that
I was forc’d to discover it to you, you did not at all
dislike it at first, for in little time found a tender esteem
from you, which by my constancy, and perseverance
was so encreas’d, that I perceiv’d you did also
love me, neither were you asham’d to own the affection
you had for me, but made me protestations of a love
that should be lasting, and there was nothing wanting,
as we thought to make us both happy, but the consent
of your Parents: but that not being gained, I preferr’d
your interest and quiet before my own, and not being
able to live near you, and not see and love you, which
by the inhumanity of your friends I was forbidden to
do, I entred into a voluntary banishment, and leaving
all the enjoyments and pleasures of my own Countrey,
went into another, hoping in time that fortune
who had been so cross to me might be more favourable,
but although I staid some time in Forreign parts, and
at my return heard of my misfortune, and indeed
your as unfortunate marriage, yet time had not banished
you out of my thoughts, I still had you perfectly
in remembrance, and found that my love to you was
so far from being extinguished, that it was then ready
to burst out into a new flame. The obstacle of your being
married and thereby of the impossibility of my
attaining my ends, did not hinder me from endeavouring
it, and I did so constantly persevere in my
endeavours, that I brought you not only to a mute
compliance, but by degrees I brought you to acknowlege
that you still loved me, and that if you were ever
free to chuse, I should be the happy man whom you
would have for a Husband, the constancy of my
affection hath wrought this miracle, but I cannot
.bn 071.png
.pn +1
perswade you to proceed further, and this at present
is the state of the matter between us. Now Madam,
having done all this, I am perswaded you may
yield to what I further desire of you: I know the
strictness of your Virtue absolutely forbids you any
thoughts, but I pray let me be plain with you, and
pardon these expressions which I shall use to you,
although you may judge them immodest: Madam,
you have promised to make me your Husband when
it is in your power, and I believe it is in your
thoughts that one day you may do it, for he who is
your present Husband, appears to me and all the
world to be half dead already; He being in this
condition, why will you not permit me to reap the
fruits of a long affection? but anticipating that
happy time that I hope must and will come: and
Madam, besides these Reasons, I believe and hope it
will be for your profit, for I understand the Condition
of your marriage runs thus, that if he dies
without Issue by you, then his Estate returns to his
next Heir, and thereby you will be never the better for
your marriage, and all this time you have spent
with him, is time ill spent and lost; but if you will
permit me, I hope to prevent the losing of the Estate,
for I question not but there is so great a harmony in
our affections, that a Child will proceed from us,
and when you lose your Husband, you will not lose
your Estate. This Madam, is good policy, and although
in the strictness of your virtue you may not entertain
any such thoughts, yet I am confident you may
live to repent the not doing it, Therefore hoping that
these reasons will be sufficient to over-rule you and
that I offer this as much for your content as my
own, I ever rest,
.ll 68
.rj
Your constant Lover, M. G.
.ll
.bn 072.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. V.
.pm start_summary
Mistress Dorothy having finished this last Story,
relates how a woman by her own confession, at
her Husbands death discovered the common inconstancy
of the Sex, and her disloyalty to her
Husband, by being provided before hand.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
This (continued Mistress Dorothy) was the
Letter that our Lover sent to his Mistress,
whose chast thoughts engag’d her in a great anger
against him, but whether it were real or feign’d
you may judge by the sequel, for it was not long
er’e he was admitted into her favour, and then
having the liberty of converse, and being resolv’d
to prosecute his intentions, he so backed his Letters
with arguments, that caused her to give a
mute compliance, and silence, being the best
token of consent, he by that gathered that she did
yield, wherefore he again engaging the Chamber-maid
in his Designs, and acquainting her that her
Mistress had yielded to him in every particular
but enjoyment, neither did she refuse him that, he
desired her to stand his Friend so far, as to be instrumental
in giving him the opportunity to come
to her Bed side when she lay alone, as it was usual
with her to do; The Chamber-maid believing that
she should not anger her Mistress, and oblige her
Friend, and being willing to further and not hinder
any sport, was not long e’re she gave our
Lover his desir’d satisfaction; for she bringing
him to the Chamber when her Mistress was in Bed,
there left him. He who was not ignorant how to
deal with a Lady soon over-rul’d her, and she
.bn 073.png
.pn +1
seeing it was to no purpose to resist, with a kind
of willing unwillingness permitted him to come
to Bed to her; what they did you may judge by
the event, for in convenient time she discovered
her self to be with Child, she frequently lying
with her husband also; and being with Child
her Husband was an overjoy’d man, and did
hope, that as he concluded himself able to
get a Child, so he might in time be restored to
his former health: Our Lovers though they often
met, yet they used all wariness and circumspection,
and our Gallant to take off the opinion of his
still courting his old Mistress, began a Courtship
with a new one, or at least pretended so to do, and
thus the time was spent till such time as her time
came to be delivered of a Child, which proving to
be a brave lusty Boy, gave great joy to all parties,
especially to the supposed Father, who was much
joyed that he had so hopeful an Heir to enjoy his
Estate, and his Wife being again strong, and having
layn in her full time, he again accompanied her;
but in short time after he piqu’d off, and as he
had deceived his wife in his life time, so now in
his death he cheated the very worms, for they
expecting a full body, found nothing but a
meer Skelleton to feed on, you may be sure our
Lover was joyful enough at the so long wished
for, and now happy News of the death of his
Rival, neither was his wife much discontented,
although by her outward deportment she made
the world believe that she was a most disconsolate
widow, and she was so reserv’d that for some time
she kept her Chamber, and much longer kept
within doors, not visiting any body, nor permitting
any body to visit her but her Parents, and
.bn 074.png
.pn +1
those who were nearest related to her Husband.
However she and her intended Husband held a
Correspondency, but it was but with Letters,
which were interchanged by her Chamber-maids
assistance; In time all these mourning Solemnities
were over, and she appear’d abroad again as
resplendent as the Sun, and the fame of her plentiful
Estate, great vertue, and charming beauty,
drew to her many Adorers, whose business was
Sirreverence, Love; she who was resolv’d what
Instrument she would play on, and what Pipe
should make her musick for the future, gave them
all the hearing, but was absolute in her answers.
Her Parents seeing she had so many Suiters,
desired her to make choice of one of them, and
again engage her self in a matrimonial Life,
she replyed, that in time she might again be perswaded
to do so, but when ever she gave her consent
to alter her condition, she intended to be
more curious than she had been, and to have
more freedom in her choice; They replyed, that
indeed they had in a manner impos’d the former
Match upon her, which had been fortunate
enough, but however, when she had a mind to
alter her condition, she should have all possible
freedom in her Choice. She being thus left to
her own dispose, in short time permitted her old
Sweet-heart to make one in the number of her
Suiters, what he wanted of Means to carry on his
business the more splendidly withal, she supplied
him, so that for Gallantry and good Mien, he outdid
all her other Suiters, and being confident of
Success in his undertaking, he baffl’d them all,
who were a Company of whining obsequious
Lovers, so that at his appearance in full lustre,
.bn 075.png
.pn +1
they like stars at the day and Suns approach,
shrink back, and disapear’d; leaving him to Rule,
and Reign Soveraign in that heart where he already
had full possession, and now she being absolutely
at her own dispose, she told the world
that she thought she was obliged to reward
his great constancy, by permitting him to be
what he had so long desired to be, her Husband:
and therefore he was married to her; and
now both their joyes, were compleated, and they
both thought themselves fully recompenced, for
their many troubles and so long stay, especially
when they considered how much better their condition
was now than it would have been had they
been married at such time as they both at first
desired; for although he concluded that his Predecessor
had possest her, yet it had cost him dear,
for his Estate was all given in Exchange, and now
lawfully invested and settled on a Child, who although
he and all the world believed to be his
lawful Heir, yet they knew the contrary, and our
Lover was Father of a Son and Heir the first day
of his marriage, and which was the greatest Paradox,
such a Child as he did conclude was of his
own begetting; and now she did not (I suppose)
repent of the counsel he had given her, and which
they together had put in practice, to the great
satisfaction of them both; These Considerations
(said Mistress Dorothy) I think were very considerable,
and conduced much to their satisfaction, and
now, said she, I think you can expect no more
relations of this nature, for in this condition I left
our two Lovers, and here I shall put an end to all
that I know of his Adventures.
I seeing that Mistress Dorothy had done, and finding
that she had fully finished her discourse, told
.bn 076.png
.pn +1
her that I wish’d all true Lovers, no worse a conclusion
of their amours than these two had; but,
continued I it was well that they managed their
affairs so privately, that neither her Parents nor
Friends had any suspition of him, for if they had,
it might have fallen out worse with them, and this
our recital puts me in mind of a small story that
I have heard, which in regard it somewhat resembles
yours I shall presently relate to you, and
thus it was:
A young-woman had (by the over-ruling and
perswasions of friends) permitted her self to be
married to an old man, who lived some years with
her, but she was soon weary of his Company, and
being free in her converse and carriage, gave opportunity
to several young men to court her, her
Husband saw it, but without any possibility of redressing
the same, for he being old and feeble, and
she young, obstinate, and wilful, did rule the Roast
her self, and so disturb’d and vex’d him, that it
shortned his days. When he was on his Death-Bed,
and believed he should die, he like a good
Christian was resolv’d to be in Charity with all
the world, but his wife had so cross’d and affronted
him, that she who of all the world he should be
most in charity with, was most out of his books,
and he was resolv’d to put her out of his Will too
as much as he could, she believing that he would
die indeed, and that it might be to her prejudice
if he should die in the minde he was then in, was
resolved if possible to put him into a better mind,
and therefore she attended, pleased, and humored
him, in every thing that it was possible to do; he
seeing so great a change in her carriage, changed
his mind also, and being now very weak, and just
at deaths door, made his Will, and in good and
.bn 077.png
.pn +1
orderly manner named her his loving Wife, and
making her full and sole Executrix of that his
last Will and Testament, gave her all he had, and
now having seal’d his Will and given it into her
custody, he would also give her his blessing, and
told he was in full and absolute Charity with her
and all the world, only he desired one request of her,
which he praid her to grant him, and not be angry
at the proposition he should make her; she promis’d
him attention and obedience, and thereupon
he thus began:
Although you have of late given me some Testimonies
of your love and obedience, and thereby
won me to a good opinion of you, yet know, till
that of late I had an ill opinion of you, and that
not without cause, especially to the outward appearance,
and indeed I must needs tell you, I was
troubled with that disease which the world calls
jealousie, but your late good carriage hath cur’d
me of that distemper, and now I am dying, I give
you free leave to marry, and conjure you so to do
with all decent conveniency; but above all things,
I only beg you not to be married to F. K. who of
all your Company-keepers I had most suspition
of, and therefore have most cause to hate.
This is that which I desire of you, and which I
hope you will as you have promis’d me obey me,
in: The good woman seeing that her Husband
had finished his discourse, thus replied;
Truly Husband you may, and I hope will rest
satisfied that I will obey you, when I shall tell
you that I must not, will not, nor cannot be married
to the man you name; for I’le assure you I
am so far from doing so, that I am already determined
to have another, and indeed, to satisfie
.bn 078.png
.pn +1
you farther, I’le assure you the Contract for marriage
is already drawn and passed between us, and
nothing is wanting to finish it but your death, and
the Ceremony of the Church. The poor old man
hearing her give this answer, was so troubled at
the thought of it, that being almost dead already,
this quite kill’d him, whereby she had the means
to put her Design in Execution.
Thus said I, have I finished my discourse, and
as it much resembles your Story, so I believe your
Lady was of the same mind as my woman, although
she had so much discretion as to conceal
it from all the world; but, continued I, your story
is very pleasant, it being such an expedient to get
an Heir, and thereby get an Estate, as I have not
heard of, and indeed the young Gentleman did
deserve to have somewhat considerable for the
use of his Lady; for I conclude her his ever since
he had took the pains to court her and gain her
affections, and promise of marriage, and although
his Estate was not equal to hers, yet together
their Estates would have been so considerable as
might have afforded them a sufficient maintenance;
but now it fell out better, she not being much
damag’d, he much improv’d by travel, and their
Estate now being a very plentiful one. Indeed
I wonder why friends should hinder marriages
when both parties are agreed, only for the deserts
of a little money, when as let them do what they
can if either party match otherwise, their lives
are commonly miserable, and although Matches
are upon that account sometimes obstructed, yet
commonly in the end they take effect.
.bn 079.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. VI.
.pm start_summary
A Widow that was wealthy resolv’d to marry none
but such an one which should enlarge her Estate,
under that Pretence she was cunningly out-witted
by one dropping a Letter; she is married to one not
worth a groat, instead of a Joynter he gives her a
Copy of Verses. He afterwards grows jealous,
the sad effects of Jealousie, and a strange Story
thereupon.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
I having finished my discourse, it was well approved
of, but said Mistress Dorothy often-times
the one party being covetous, and marrying
only out of hopes of a good estate, is out-witted
and deceived by the other, and since, said she, we
are entred upon the discourse of marriage, I will
give you an account of one who was over-reached
in that manner.
There lived a woman of my acquaintance who
having been once married, and her Husband dead,
was resolved to have an other, but withal, she was
resolved that she would have such an one that
should enlarge her Estate, which although it was
considerable enough, yet she intended now to have
such a Husband as should bring an Estate equal
to, if not exceeding her own. Her former marriage
had been when she was very young, and
then it was for love, and that Love being dead,
she intended to bury all fond love with him, because
she had bin so easily courted, and won by
her first Husband, several others put in to be her
second; but, as she said, having tryed the effects
of love, and finding that it had been likely to
.bn 080.png
.pn +1
have made her miserable, she purpos’d to have no
more of that, but intended now to have such a
man as she did not hate; one accomplish’d, and
likely enough to do a womans business, but all this
would not do unless he were rich; and being thus
resolv’d, she turned off all Suiters that came to her,
that she did not know were thus accomplished.
At length came a Gentleman that was a very
likely man to the outward appearance, and he
professed he had a hundred pounds per annum,
and it may be more: Those friends that introduced
him into her acquaintance, told her that he was a
plain upright honest man, and that what ever he
said or should say of himself she might believe,
and withal that they knew that his Estate was
worth three hundred pounds per annum, he having
spoken so modestly of himself as a hundred pounds
per annum and his and her friends telling her of
three hundred per annum; she knew not what to
think of it, or which to believe, sometimes she was
of the opinion that he might have the three hundred
pounds per annum her friends talked of, and
only out of modesty, and to try her temper, spake
but of one hundred pounds himself, because he intended
after marriage to be the better esteem’d
by her, because things proved better than she expected;
and at other times she did not know but
that he might be an Imposter, and it may be had
little or nothing, and that all this was but a Trick
to catch and over-reach her, wherefore she was resolv’d
to proceed with all caution.
He being desirous to put an end to his courtship
and finish all by matrimony, asked her when the
day should be wherein they should be joyned? she
.bn 081.png
.pn +1
told him that she was not in haste, and that it was
fit before marriage, to make some provision and
settlement of Estate, as that afterwards there
might not be any cause to repent, and therefore
if he would say, what part of his Estate he would
settle and ensure on her, and conclude that, the
marriage might soon be concluded on.
To this he presently answered, that his Estate
was a hundred pounds per annum, and somewhat
more, now he would put her to her choice, whether
she would have the hundred pound per annum
settled on her, or leave the business to his own free
will and appointment, telling her that he questioned
not but she would deserve well of him, and that
then it would be to her advantage, not to have
any certain Settlement.
To this proposition she knew not what to answer,
but being covetous told him that she would for
two or three days consider of it; he was content,
and so they parted. The next day he took occasion
to visit her again, and pulling somewhat
hastily out of his pocket, he dropt a Letter which
he did not miss, but going out of the Room left
the letter behind him. This Lady seeing it fall,
took it up, and seeing that by the Superscription
it was directed to him, and being very desirous to
know somewhat of his affairs, she was resolv’d to
keep and peruse it: wherefore he soon after leaving
the house, and she being retired, and having
opened the Letter found these Lines:
.sp 1
Sir,
.dc 0.2 0.7
After due Respects to you, these are to acquaint you
that although we have had the misfortune of
.bn 082.png
.pn +1
your long absence, yet your affairs have hitherto
fallen out fortunate enough, and are likely still to
continue so, for of the last half years Rent due to
you, I have gathered in two hundred pounds, which
you know is the whole within a small matter, and
there is three hundred pounds more fallen upon you
by an accident which you may receive at your first
arrival: for S. L. your old Tenant in your Copyhold
and his Wife are both dead, and their Son
hath offered two hundred pounds for a new Lease,
renewed in his and his brothers Names, besides an addition
of twenty pounds per annum Rent more than
formerly, and a hundred pounds more is offered by
Goodman L. to put in his Sons Life into his Lease,
so that I am much importuned to dispatch them, If
you please to perform these two Leases (as in my
opinion you may) they are so desirous of their Bargains
that they will pay down the money to me, and
take my promise that you will at your return seal to
them, so that if you please to accept it I will send up
the whole sum, five hundred pounds together, it being
more safe and profitable for you to dispose it at
London than here.
And now having done with your business, I beseech
you pardon me, if I desire to know whether,
and how you proceed in your Love Sute, for the
Widow R. who you had some affection for her, is
desirous that you would renew your Suit, and she
is in some better capacity as to her Estate than
formerly, for an Unkle lately dead, hath left
her five hundred pounds: but Sir, I knowing
that you do not esteem money equal to affection
must be silent, and leave all to your own discretion;
.bn 083.png
.pn +1
Thus desiring your Worships Pardon for this boldness,
I rest
.ll 60
.rj
Your Worships Servant
.ll
.ll 66
.rj
and Steward,
.ll
.ll 68
.rj
L. T.
.ll
.sp 1
Our covetous Widow having greedily read over
this Letter, was hugely pleas’d with the Contents
thereof, and hugg’d her self for the good Fortune
she was likely to have; for now she resolved that
her Sweet-heart had near five hundred pound per
annum, besides five hundred pounds ready mony
in his Purse that she knew of, but the latter end of
the Letter did not at all please her, wherein the
Steward was so bold as to put him in minde of his
old Love, and she was very fearful that the five
hundred pounds additional Estate that she had,
might incline him to renew his Suit; wherefore
all these matters being considered, she was resolv’d
to delay or protract the business no longer,
but upon his next desires of marriage, to accept
of it, and that upon his own terms.
Wherefore two or three days being past over,
wherein she had promis’d to consider of it, and he
again desiring her Answer, and withal telling her
that his occasions called him into the Countrey,
she therefore tells him that she was so far perswaded
of his Love and Honesty, that she was
ready to be married to him so soon as he pleased,
and that without any terms leaving it to his own
disposing, not doubting but as she had generously
cast herself upon him, so that he would be as
generous in his providence for her; he replyed
that she should command all he had, and then by
.bn 084.png
.pn +1
her consent ordering the Wedding Solemnities,
they were within three days married. She hoping
that by her freeness with him, he would be civil
to her, gave him the Keys, and thereby the possession
of all her Money, Plate, and writings, and
he taking so much as he had present occasion for,
returned the Keys to her again.
And thus they strived to out-do one another
in kindness; but some weeks being past, and he
not at all speaking of his Countrey affairs, she
put him in mind of them, telling him that it
would be convenient for him to visit his house in
the Countrey, and that if he pleas’d she would accompany
him in the Countrey, and withal adding,
that she hoped he would be as good as his
word, and make her a considerable Joynture; he
reply’d that she had so well pleas’d him, that he
would make her a Joynture of all he had, she believing
that it was as considerable as the Letter
express’d, gave him many thanks; and thus he fed
her with good words, but still delay’d his Journey,
and put her off with some odd pretence or other,
but she at last becoming importunate with him for
her Joynture, he told her that he was so well skill’d
in Law, that he would draw a Draught of it himself,
and give it her to advise with her friends, she was
now well enough content, only she still put him in
mind of the Draught of the Joynture; he told her
he was about it, and had almost finished it, and one
day told her that now it was done, and that he
also had occasion to take a Journey for three
days, and in that time she might confer with her
friends about the Draught he would leave her;
she was very well content, and he taking money
in his Pocket went his journey; when she taking
.bn 085.png
.pn +1
the Paper he had left, and believing it to be the
draught of her Joynture, went to some of her nearest
Relations to confer with, and have their advice
about it, but they opening the Paper, instead
of the expected draught of a Joynture, they found
these Lines:
.pm start_poem
Grave plodding Sirs, my Wife I’ve sent to you,
That you’le advise her what she’d had best to do;
She’s rich and so am I, beyond controul,
For I have Lordships boundless as my soul;
She’s vastly rich what need she covet more?
Yet gaining me, she’s richer than before;
I have no Lands, confest, but I have wit,
Make her such Joynture as you please of it:
I have good parts too, that she knows full well,
And may confess, if not asham’d to tell;
Both which she shall command nor will I be
Unkind to her that was thus kind to me;
What would she more? having enough of Pelf,
Sh’ hath all she could have, since she hath my self:
Dear-second-self, be not displeas’d, that I
Have fram’d a Letter to gain thee thereby:
Who would not rack his wits to spring a Myne
So rich? all other’s poor compar’d to thine;
Now here the Powers above henceforth decree,
That none may work within that Mine but me.
.pm end_poem
The Gentleman returning, found his wife in so
pleasant and debonair a temper, that he thought she
had complotted with her friends some satisfactory
revenge that might be equivalent to the stratagems
he had laid to gain a wealthy Widow, with the subtle
.bn 086.png
.pn +1
pretences of a fair promising fortune. But having
discourst her to every thing, and penetrating the
very recesses of her heart, found she was more satisfied
with his wit in this cunning contrivance, than
if he had the real enjoyment of what he so largely
pretended; and now she hugg’d his soul with much
more ardency than her feeble hands could do his
body: great was the satisfaction on both sides,
but much greater was the Gentlewomans, finding
an Husband answerable to her desires, beyond
all expectations; neither was the Gentleman backward
in making ample acknowledgements how
happy he was in that his propitious stars had by
their clear shining influence lighted him to so fair a
wife, with so large a Fortune: The Friends and
Relations of this joyful Bride were all very well-contented
by being out-witted by a Gentleman
every way compleat both as to Soul and Body,
each wishing it had been their lucky hap to have
had a Son in Law of so worthy a person.
For a considerable time they nothing but treated
one another, which was done on all sides with so
much Gallantry and generous freedom, as sufficiently
demonstrated the greatness of the respects
and friendship they had for one another.
The new married Couple were like a pair of
Turtles, always wooing and courting each other,
with so much ardency and affection, that they
were look’d upon by all, as the best Pattern of a kind
Husband and a loving Wife. After this manner
they lived some years, and obtained the fruit of
all their enjoyments, by having several Children
Males and Females: But as it is usually and philosophically
said that what is violent is seldom permanent,
so it prov’d true in our two Lovers; for
.bn 087.png
.pn +1
though there was no similitude in the loves of
others to theirs, yet length of time made their
loves so dissimular to each other by an unhappy
accident, that we have scarcely heard of an Example
of the like kind, which produced a more
dismal and lamentable Tragedy.
This Gentlewoman as I have informed you, was
an extraordinary Beauty, very handsome, and of a
winning carriage, very familiar where she observed
any thing of merit or desert; only to be blamed for a
small matter of Avarice, which had ever ran in the
veins of her Ancestors; but principally to be admired
for her modest deportment and chaste disposition.
In her minority when the sweet Rose-bud, her
virginity was scarce blown, she had a vast quantity
of Suiters, which dayly sollicited her Parents to give
their consent that they might address themselves to
the Daughter by the way of marriage, some of the
more wealthy sort were permitted, others for want
of a Fortune suitable to hers, were denied, but
she for her part lookt upon them all with so much
indifferency, that she gave none an occasion to
boast of her extraordinary favours.
Whilst her amorous Visitants were despairing
by reason of her extream coldness, a young
and sprightly Gentleman hearing of her incomparable
beauty, and rare accomplishments crowded
in among the rest of her Adorers, and at first
sight concluded what he saw, to out-strip what
ever he had taken upon report, and fell passionately
in love with her, and having not other Rhetorique
but his eyes, he employed them so effectually,
that they spake more in his behalf,
than if he had had the advantage of a score of
eloquent tongues to have pleaded his Cause; the
.bn 088.png
.pn +1
warming Rays of these two little glittering Orbs
thaw’d her affection with as much facility as the
melting Sun dissolves an hoary frost crisping the
Pearly-dew’d grass in a May-morning. Thus at the
first interview there was a reciprocal return of each
others affections, but though there was a suitableness
in their wills, yet there was a desparity in
their Fortunes, which caused her friends to be utterly
against any overture that should be made
as to a Match with this young Gentleman and
their Daughter, and lest there should be any private
conference between them which might more
strongly cement their affections, they resolved to
prevent all things of that nature by sending her
to a place not only remote, but altogether unknown
to any but themselves.
What an heart-breaking this was to our two
Lovers I will give you leave to imagine; for a time
it was almost intolerable, but Absence the best remedy
for a Love-sick heart cured her in some
part; and hearing that her friend’s discontent had
forced him to travel with a resolution never to return,
(she being call’d home to her fathers house)
was induced to permit the visits of her Amorists
as before; and now seeing herself incapable of holding
out longer, by reason of the perswasion of her
Parents, and incessant importunities of her Lover,
yields to him, and so they were married, with
whom she lived very happily; but her Husband
dying, she lived a while a widow, in hope to hear
from her first Lover, which ever makes the deepest
impression on the amorous heart, but being assur’d
by several credible persons (as she thought)
that he was dead, she bathing his memory with some
tears, resolved when opportunity should fair and
.bn 089.png
.pn +1
advantagiously offer it self, she would throw off
her Widow-hood and re-assume her former condition.
To this purpose several addressed themselves
to her, but she being a politick and crafty woman,
gave ear to them all, but gave credit to
none. And indeed for my part I cannot but applaud
her prudence in not too hastily marrying
after the decease of her Husband, if it were for
nothing else than the dayly treats a woman shall
meet withal in that condition, if she be handsome;
if wealthy, how will the presents come tumbling
hourly into her lap? Not a beauty hunter in the
Town but will endeavour to have a flurt at the
Widow, and not a younger brother or decay’d Gallant
but will try to sawder up his crack’d Fortunes,
though he spend his whole Revenue on her, that
is, either what he hath about him, or what he can
borrow upon a thousand Oaths and Protestations.
But to return where I left off, this Widow admitted
several to caress her, whom she entertained
handsomely befitting their quality; among the
rest this last (indigent) Gentleman accosted her, the
greatness of whose affections with the pretence of
a great Estate, carried her from all the rest; happily
they lived some considerable time, and longer
they might have so done, had not this Gentlewomans
first Lover returned, who did so upon no other
account than that he heard his dearly beloved Mistress
was in a condition to receive him into her bosom,
and so make him amends for all the sorrow
and trouble he had sustained for her sake: but finding
his expectations frustrated, he behaved himself
like a man distracted, especially when he had
heard from her own mouth, had he been present,
of all the men in the world she would have chosen
.bn 090.png
.pn +1
him for her Husband. This indeared expression
as it would at another time have transported
him into an Extasie of Joy, so now it wrought
contrary effects upon him, for to think by his
rash and inconsiderate absenting himself he had
lost that inestimate prize he might have enjoy’d
by waiting near it with patience. His madness
encreas’d to that height, he took his Bed and fell
into a desperate Fever; his Mistress hearing in
what a sad condition this poor Gentleman lay
for her sake, could do no less than give him a visit
to comfort him, and reduce him if it were possible
to his former understanding, for he raved
night and day, continually calling on her name,
exclaiming against her cruelty, and I know not
what.
The ravings of this Gentleman were bruited
every where some pitying him, whilst they cunningly
pryed into the cause of his distemper, and
by reason he was a person well known to most of
the inhabitants, old stories were rapt up, and all
concluded the deplorableness of his present state
proceeded from this Gentlewoman.
Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he
heard all these mutterings, which extreamly disturb’d
his spirits, insomuch that he now began to
question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to
him, but exprest not his resentments in the least,
resolving to see what the event of these things
would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side
fearing lest she should be the death of him she
once loved equally with her own life, resolved to
restore him if she could, and to that intent she
judg’d the best expedient was to remove his despair,
by giving him some hopes that he had a
share in that heart still which was once totally
.bn 091.png
.pn +1
his; which she did with so much assurance (though
with no such intent) that he had not so lost his
senses but that he understood what she said, and
therefore begg’d a repetition of these words again,
which she did so sweetly and with so much seeming
reality, that this remedy had like to have
proved his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed
out as loud as his weakned spirits would give
leave, O let me die! since none more happy now
than I, and so fell into a swound; there were
none in the Room but these two, but the Gentlewoman
with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room,
who assisted all to recal him, with much difficulty
they did, and now their greatest care was to get
him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to
any thing, to all their admirations, and so reposing
him self that night, there was by the next
morning wrought so wonderful a change that all
his friends were amazed. This miraculous recovery
plainly appeared to proceed from his Doctress
for after this there was not a visit that she
gave him, which did not sensibly amend him.
At length he was restored to his perfect health,
and now did this Gentlewomans Husband fall
sick of a worse distemper, the Plague of Jealousie,
and raved as the other had done, but in a worse
manner; for now he did not stick to call that
wife (which he knew with all her Friends to be
honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, &c. It
was to no purpose for her to justify her innocency,
for he was so strongly possest with an
opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear
the least Plea in her behalf, but so enrag’d he
was that nothing proceeded out of his mouth
but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose
Associate; several attempts he made on them
.bn 092.png
.pn +1
both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now high
time for their friends to advise them not to come
near him, till some means might be used to convince
him of his misbelief, and to lay open the
danger that would ensue should he persist in this
misgrounded opinion.
This counsel was well receiv’d and followed,
this Jealous Gentleman being thus deserted, and
the Subjects of his revenge removed from him,
ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at
last this could not be the way to effect his purpose,
desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken
to the counsel of his friends who advised by all
means to harbour no such unworthy thought of
his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest as
their own, with many more perswasions, which he
hearkned to with great attention seemingly, and
to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and if that
they would be the instruments of bringing his
wife to him again, he would on his knees beg her
forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had
wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with
many Vows and Protestations, assured him they
would use their utmost endeavour, in short time
they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return
upon the Conditions aforesaid.
Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil
prepared a sumptuous Dinner, and invited his
supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce with
him in this happy reconciliation between him
and his wife, and in the mean time he applied
himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of
his, whom he thought wicked enough for his
purpose, and one that he might confidently trust,
telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that
he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour;
.bn 093.png
.pn +1
that he was a dead man if he was not revenged
on them both by death, and for that purpose he
must help him to a strong dose of poyson that
shall dispatch them instantly; the Apothecary
after some pauses, with the proviso of never
being discovered, consented, and gave him something
in a paper, which with much joy he received,
and carried home with all expedition.
By this time dinner was ready and serv’d up, the
Guests seated, and he bidding them welcome
with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the
whole Company that he had highly wrong’d
his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him,
that if they would forgive him, he would make
them amends; they readily condescended to
what he had propounded, and now nothing but
a general jolity was observed throughout the
Table, the Glasses went about merrily, there being
all sorts of wine to excess; and now let
me bring this feast to its Catastrophe. The
Cloth being removed, and all prepared and
ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the
Master of the Feast, call’d for a Bottle of Wine,
in which before he had conveyed what he had
received from the Apothecary, and filling out
thereof in a large glass up to the brimm, drank
an health to his wife, wishing they might never
have more difference here, his Wife and all the
Company gladly accepted the notion; he having
drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank
off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank,
as the other had done, to the next having so
done, the Husband started up, saying, It was
enough, it should go no further; every one admired
at the humour, which he perceiving, said,
you must think I love my wife and her friends
.bn 094.png
.pn +1
better than so, than that they should drink what
you do, they deserve to have something therein
better than ordinary to end all differences on
Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love
them not so ill as not to bear them company;
Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous
journey, our time is but short. Lord! what a
confusion was all the room in, when they heard
him speak after this manner, knowing now that
he had perfected his revenge by poysoning them
and himself too. Several were dispatcht instantly
for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst
the poor Gentlewoman and her friend were on
their knees offering up their last Petitions: having
said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive
you with all my Soul, but know, I ever
lov’d you too well to defile your Bed, and as
these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall
ever speak to you more, I am innocent as to what
you unjustly suspect me with; and let me, said
her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man
protest, I never defiled your Bed, and do believe
her from all others as chaste as the chastest Vestal-Virgin;
whilst they were thus confessing, the
Apothecary came in just as the Husband had
kneeled to ask Heaven forgivenness for this triple
murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in
this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant
laughter, which made the Husband turn
about his head, who seeing the Apothecary,
cryed out, Seize that Villain, it is he that hath
help’d me to do this damn’d Act, it is he that
hath furnished me with those hellish materials to
murder the innocent; by this time conceit had
so wrought on the other two, that by their faces
it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle
.bn 095.png
.pn +1
the whole matter; wherefore desiring them to
rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master of this house
upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars
whereof you all know, came to me, and
desired assistance in his revenge by poyson, had I
deny’d him he would have gone to some else,
who might have embraced his wicked design,
but to the intent I might hinder all further attempts,
I gave him nothing but what was harmless,
and assure your selves there is no danger in
what you have drank, my life for yours; this
strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was
demanded how she felt her self, she acknowledged
to have no sense of alteration, and so did the
other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot
was discovered, and being ashamed to breath
after so much intentional guilt, drew a Dagger and
attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but
was still prevented, being at last somewhat pacified
by his good wife, he retired, and having for
two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments
of the world, exercising himself in all things that
became a penitent man, he vowed a weekly pennance
during his life, and so was throwly reconciled
to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments
of this life.
And thus Mistress Dorothy finished all her Stories
acquainting us further, that amongst these
many Amorists that came to see her, her friend
the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with
her, and frequenting her Company often, gained
so great an Interest in her, that he being bound
for the East Indies, perswaded her to go with him
in mans apparel, which she did, and there found
some of her old acquaintance, and one that had been
so familiar with her before in England. Every
.bn 096.png
.bn 097.png
.bn 098.png
.pn +1
one had now given an account of the most considerable
passages of their lives, excepting only
the Captain, who being sollicited thereunto, freely
condescended to anatomize his life, without
mincing the least material truth, and thus in
the Chapters following gives you the whole relation.
.il fn=i_089fp.jpg w=286px ew=75%
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. VII.
.pm start_summary
The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate
Birth at Bristol, was left on a Stall, and
maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a
Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken
ipso facto, committed, arraigned, and condemned
to be transported; the Bawd is carted.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the
great Satisfaction I have received in your relating
so many witty and pleasant passages, that
have occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor
can I (without injuring your ingenuity) but commend
your generous freedom in discoursing every
Remarque, and not omiting any observable,
though you knew it could not chuse but cut the
very throat of your dying Reputations; and that
I may not seem to fall short of that frankness,
and gallantry, I will not so much as seem tainted
of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men
making it generally their business to censure the
Lives and Actions of others, without being in the
least sensible of their own, or amending those
they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate
my self an Ace, nor shall I let a Vice escape,
(whereof I am and hath been plentifully stored)
without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion,
.bn 099.png
.pn +1
and constitution; Nor shall I hide this
truth from you, that I came into the world by
stealth; being begot in Hugger-mugger. As my
Parents begot me rashly, so they left me carelesly
to the world, not doubting, but that which
was gotten with so much heat, would live in
spight of Fate. They were the more resolute in
this cruel resolution of leaving me on a Stall,
having generally observed the good Fortune that
generally attends Bastards. I was not long left
on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several times
since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening
me, I piped so shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd
from a Child so young,) that I soon penetrated
the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons
that were passing by that way: but the greatest
number were of the Female Sex. The Maids,
you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I
poor Babby cryed for I knew not what, and well
it had been if I never had known what it was to
shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman
of the vulgar sort, pressing into the crowd; Stand
aside (quoth she) ye giggletting Huzzies; get ye
home to your Mistresses service; there is some of
ye, for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will
be putting finger in eye before these nine Months,
upon the like account, and so steps to me; What
(said she) the Child must not starve, though it be a
By blow; its none of the poor infants fault; and
so opening her Breast, she conducted her Nipple
to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling.
Various were the Discourses and suppositions
of the People whose Child I should be, every one giving
in his verdict according to his imagination, or
the suspitions he had entertained of such and such.
.bn 100.png
.pn +1
Some that were more curious and inquisitive than
the rest, strictly survey’d me all over, and having
commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such
are, who are begotten by the heat of blood and
strength, grown to full perfection) but likewise
praised the proportion and promising features of my
tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d
pinn’d to my breast, which my Nurse preserving,
since I was of years, she gave them me, and I committed
them to my memory, which were these:
.pm start_poem
You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad;
Shew then more pity, than my Mother had.
But four days since, that I received breath;
O do not let me cry my self to death.
Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother;
And what’s distressed in it is my Brother.
Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear,
I’le fully recompence your cost and care.
.pm end_poem
Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that
thought himself not meanly so, because he could read
written hand; there was a general silence, but no
sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling
noise in the Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or
a Fair in any Countrey town could produce. Saith
one; I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for
doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was
without question a cruel Quean, that could find in her
heart to let so lovely a Babe to perish by extremity of
cold; for it was then about January. The Constable
was straight way informed of this accident, who
readily came, and caused me to be carryed to a
.bn 101.png
.pn +1
Churchwardens: the Woman that was so tender-hearted
as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment,
hoping she might be the Woman elected to
be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, she lately
loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good
woman was overjoyed she had got another to supply
the place of her own; especially since she suspected
that her age would not permit her to be
assisting in the getting of another, and therefore was
the more tender of me; Her care and fondness made
me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called
her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein
the understanding is in Embrio, and Reason and
Experience have not yet consulted about the governing
of the grand concerns of mans future being;
I shall only give you an account of my Life
from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this present.
My Nurse could not choose, when I was but
Seven years old, but take notice of many things I
committed, for which she severely chastis’d me,
endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings,
knowing my pretty Rogueries had their rise from
an inclination to all manner of Vice. Above all
things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not
that anything accounted pleasurable, could go
amiss with me; for how could it otherwise be,
since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied
only how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying
what was agreeable most to sence; and therefore
I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute
extract of no common delights. I say I loved
in an extraordinary measure, whatsoever was
strong, yet being too young, and so could not
drink for the sake of good company, I would
.bn 102.png
.pn +1
greedily drink for its own sake, and that I might
procure my satisfaction that way, I found frequent
opportunities to steal small parcels out of
my Nurses Purse when she was asleep, and then pretending
that she sent me for Ale, would drink it
by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife,
&c. in any House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d
them as my proper Goods and Chattels, and converted
them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good
convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet
shot from our House; the well disposed Matron
thereof, would not only receive what I brought, but
would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides
her blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d
since I had it,) the breath of her best wishes being
enough to blast the most promising hopes, that ever
yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast;
Nay, she told me I was her white Boy, instructed
and encouraged me in the Art of theevery, telling
me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this
means I began to know what it was to keep Company,
her Wenches being my initiators, by whose
help and my forward endeavours, I commenced
Master of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years;
I soon became Professor of that deep Mystery, and
could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly,
(which others call gracefully,) looking impudently,
talk impertinently, or imprudently, drink profoundly,
and smoak everlastingly. I had got a trick to
laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted
morose, or phlegmatick; The melancholy
man is a thing by itself, differing from the whole
creation; in which every individual species loves
either an intercourse in converse, or amicable Society.
.bn 103.png
.pn +1
That humour certainly was spawned by the
Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices
take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary,
what fault can he commit, whilst he is laughing,
and merry, that deserves so much as the knitting of
a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my
laughter was immoderate, and unseasonable, things
so offensively ridiculous to any wise man, (as I have
considered since) that it were better to be destitute
of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should
abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.
I could not have gone to a fitter School than this,
to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with
all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly
flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for
the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner
abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and
jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin
to suspect me, calling me to an account where I
had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled.
I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short
a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract
never to betray me, and therefore to all her
demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However
she could not but sensibly find a decrease in
her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on
the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and
the like, and thought all her endeavours were
blasted from above: I saw her much troubled,
and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled,
that I should be the destruction of my preserver;
but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts
came into my head, so I was ever cautious how
I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed,
.bn 104.png
.pn +1
that I should not be the ruine of this
Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no
longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little
distance off our House, I stept into a lower room
in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined
the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should
have askt some blind question or other; for I
was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that
Parish, but through all Bristol; that was the
place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I
catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but
its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into
my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered,
endeavouring with what speed I could
to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that
observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me
to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred,
but I was groaping in my Breeches for my
purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred
to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me;
ne’re question (quoth the fellow behind my back,
that had watcht, and now catcht me) you shal
have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your
back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do
you. Hearing him say so, I would have run a
race with him, but I found him indisposed, being
out of breath before, and therefore held me fast,
desiring one of those that were crowding about
the door to hear what was the matter, to go and
fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal
than the rest, presently did; and the Constable
taking me in custody, and about to carry me
before the Justice (cryed) Hold, good Mr. Constable,
I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the
trouble to view the House farther; which by this
.bn 105.png
.pn +1
gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find
well furnished with variety of Goods which by her
constant care, and the indefatigable pains of others
she hath gotten together. This fellow, with the Constable,
and my own roguish Urchinship had no
sooner entred the Kitchin, but he espyed a Plate
with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had
stoln about a fortnight before from him: which
taking up in his hands, sharply demanded of the
good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a
sojourner in her house, and by what means it
came to stray so far from home? This antiquated
piece of more than common impudence, did not
stick to tell him that she bought two dozen of
them of such a one, that lately broke up House
keeping. Where are they, quoth he? before you
on the shelf, quoth she, with as much ignorance,
as confidence. Upon this, he made his eyes the
diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on
which the Plate stood, and of two dozen he found
not two marked with one and the same Letters.
Why thou illiterate fool (said he) I took thee till now
to be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very
Marks (which are all several) do sufficiently evidence
that each had his Master, before thou wert Mistress
of the four and twenty. Hereupon he made a strict
Survey over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and
found most of them of the like nature. Some
trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons,
Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of
light carriage, and easie conveyance, all which he
seized and committed them to the custody of the
Constable. Then turning to me; Come my little-pretty-rascally
thief (quoth he) as you have shewn
your self ingenuous, so ingeniously confess what
things you have stollen from time to time, either from
.bn 106.png
.pn +1
me or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand
your friend, and endeavour to mitigate the severity
of your ensuing punishment.
I hearkened diligently to his flattering words,
(for so I found them) but knew not what to resolve
on, thinking on the old Proverb, Confess and
be hang’d made me as silent, as a Turkish Mute,
or one born dumb. Which he perceiving and
finding me timerous; come, confess like a good Boy,
saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you.
Hearing him say so, I trembling looking stedfastly
on him, to my great sorrow could read in
his angry countenance the manner and severity
of my punishment. Certainly had he at the time
been arraigned upon suspition of Murder, the
Judge needed no other evidence than that of his
monstrously cruel looks. Never did Keeper of
New-gate look half so frightingly on a re-taken
Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and
therefore without dallying with him further, I
fell on my knees, and with as many salt tears, as
sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him
of every particular I could remember that I had
stollen from him; assuring him further, that it
was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation
of that old Beldame (pointing to the
Bawd) that induced me thereunto; encouraging
me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what
I brought her, and making me drunk for it; and
if I had not brought her a purchase once in two
dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides
her upbraiding me with sloath and idleness, and
calling me her good boy for nought. Mrs. Bawd
had not the patience to hold her tongue longer,
but too hastily endeavouring to excuse her self,
by accusing me, her lying pretences had like to
.bn 107.png
.pn +1
have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so
that she was forced to pawse a while till she had
recovered a little breath, and wiped away the
froth she had so plentifully foamed at the mouth;
presently after she opened in this manner; Why
you young Rogue? how dare you thus abuse an
honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling? I
am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore
you might have reverenced my Age. Besides I
have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty years
where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with
the Justice, than most of the Parish are with his
Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known what I am; a Mother
of many Children in an honest calling, and never
left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother
did you, Whores-egg. I have had Knights and gallant
Gentlemen in my House early and late, and none
of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have
had as fine handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as
any in this City, that would not have dined with their
friend without me, I thank them; and as they were
my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that
they would not stir abroad, or hardly do any thing
without my approbation, and such was their esteem
of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by
them, and others to this day.
Well Mother, (then said my Securer) let us go to
this Justice you are so well acquainted with; I doubt
me, that knowledge you have of him will do you no
great good; it would have been more your advantage
if you had less known him. And so
without further delay he charging the Constable
with us, and the Constable charging
others to aid and assist him, my Grandame and
I were both conveyed before the Justice, where
upon examination I confessed all, not mincing
.bn 108.png
.pn +1
the truth in the least, laying all the fault on the Bawd,
who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no purpose
for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and
was glad of this opportunity to put a period to her
Bawdy reign; as I had confest my self guilty of those
petty thefts, so I had my mittimus immediately
drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly,
by how much the Receiver is worse than
the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may
imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next
to that being raised in an instant to see a spectacle
so preposterously disagreeable. In the first place a
thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one
on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she
tell herself, having outlived the knowledge thereof,
and yet instead of minding her winding sheet, she
would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully
buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance;
nay would have cheated the Sexton of a
Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough,
had they been as strong, could dig her own Grave.
In the next place, a sight to be lamented, one so
young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his Hanging
sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or
ready road to be hang’d.
.tb
The Crowd and throng of People was so great
about us, that the Constable made what speed he
could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march
a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a
Hand-Gallop to his own throat cutting. The
Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling
me singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which
unpleasant sounds did so often beat against the
.bn 109.png
.pn +1
Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion
was quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into
a posture of revenge. Though I knew my self
basely born, yet I found my blood had the same
heat and height of that of Princes; and though I
was too sensible of the Guilt of their aspersions, yet
my lofty Spirit would not brook to be upbraided
therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches
came so near, as that I could reach him with my Fist,
I would not there fail to ring him a Peal. I had
dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or
wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young
Army of Enemies against me, who in Front and
Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so desperately assault
me, that had I had the hands of a score of Briariuses
they would have been to few, if no stronger
than mine. The Constable at last was forc’d to be
my Champion, who so bravely defended me, as not
to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes.
You must not imagine that our good Matron went
along more quietly than my self, who, (while I was
so disadvantagiously fighting my way through) was
pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs,
Dirt, or whatever was filthy or loathsom; so that by
that time we got to the Gaol, she was now fitter for
a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking
ingredients about her, that are the common procurers
of an universal Contagion. She no sooner entred
the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out, sough,
what have you brought hither? Do you think Want
and Vermin will not kill us fast enough, but you
must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as were so
skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes
that the stench of this woman would save the Judge
.bn 110.png
.pn +1
the trouble of Condemning; and the Sheriff the labour
of hanging them. Others who knew they
should not die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy,
laid presently violent hands on her, and dragging
her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean.
The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts
between our Legs. My Godfathers (the Churchwardens
of the Parish) hearing of their graceless
God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were
worse than ever Jobs comforters were, for they only
upbraided them of those secret sins which had thus
publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame
was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too
good for me. In short, that should be my end, and
wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by
being hanged some years before. My Grandam
hearing what a sad sentence my Ghostly-Fathers
pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably
go to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat
to bear me Company at old Nicks table; for the
People by her Diabolical looks were more than
half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at
least.
Sessions approaching I often meditated on the
word, Hanging; but the word struck so heavy on
my Imagination, that it rather benummed than
anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death
I lookt on then with the ignorant and misjudging
eyes of a childish understanding, fancying
that it was but the meer privation of Life, and
there is an end, and not the separation of Soul
and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity
rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in
endless Joys, or Eternal Woes. But as often as I
thought I should be soundly whipt, or but have as
many single stripes, for every several Roguery I
.bn 111.png
.pn +1
committed, so often would the tears trickle from
my eye, whilst my heart was ready to burst, not
having the benefit to discharge its grief.
Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what
would become of me, my good Nurse came to
me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into
Tears, neither was she much behind hand with
me, so that it was very difficult to judge who
wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she
charged me home with all my miscarriages, and
thinking she had made me fully sensible of them
(which she thought she had done by my pitiful
looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave
my self for the future, if I escaped this bout,
and finally me that I should freely
confess my faults to the Judge, and then most
penitently (with all submissiveness) beg his Honour
not only to pardon, but pity the tenderness
of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three
days after, when I was carried to the Sessions
House amongst the rest of the Prisoners, and
being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up
my Hand, and answer to guilty or not guilty, to
what I stood Indicted? I answered guilty (submissa
voce) with so low a voice and so much
seeming shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived
took special notice of my seeming modest
behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I
was: My Lord (said I) my Nurse informs me I
am twelve years old. A prime youngster indeed,
replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse
inform’d you, and not your Mother? May it
please your Honour, (said I) I was never so happy,
either to know what she was, or where she
is. At this reply of mine, I observed his Lordship
more amazed, than he was before surprized,
.bn 112.png
.pn +1
to see so young a Felon appear before him; his
wonder was so great, that he only caused me to
be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of others.
I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her
not, and indeed her mittimus ran (by the connivance
of her old friend the Justice, who had been a
good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her
off no longer) for only keeping a House of Debauchery,
and rank Bawdry. At the last day of
the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and
the venerable Gentlewoman (out of pure love to
see me aboard) had the favour to ride (by reason of
her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a
Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended
according to custom, with the usual Ceremonies
that are duly performed on such solemn occasions.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. VIII.
.pm start_summary
Prisons marr and not mend, giving growth to the
seeds of Roguery. He is releast out of Gaol,
and sent aboard a Virginia man, in order to his
transportation; he makes his escape on shore in the
Cock-boat from King road, and travails on foot
to Barnstaple; he is entertained by an Hostler,
what a notorious trick he serves his Master; and
how again his Master was notably revenged of
him.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
In that short time of my confinement I had made
a considerable addition to my stock of Boldness
and Roguery, and was competently furnished
with subtility and craft to manage my Roguish
design: Nothing troubled me more, than that I
had not my liberty to put in practice what I
.bn 113.png
.pn +1
thought I very well understood. Thus you see a
Prison most commonly mars, but seldom mends any.
Whilst I was wishing for, and studying how I
might procure my enlargement, a Merchant came
into the Prison, and enquired for the Lad which
was sentenced to be Transported; I (being overjoyed
with the hopes of getting loose) prevented
his further enquiry by telling him, I was the person.
Hereupon he fixed his eyes upon me, which seem’d
well pleased at the spackness of my youth, and pleasantly
askt me; whether if I were not forc’d, I had
any desire to travail: I told him I fancied it above
any thing, and were I left to my liberty, would
make it my choice above all things. Since that you
are so willing (said he) you shall go for Virginia;
and that I may be sure of you, stay here till I am
ready to go, in the mean time I shall provide you necessaries,
and when the time comes, pay your Fees. I
presently framed a sad countenance, and begged
of him for the sake of all that was Sacred, to take
me with him, and I would serve him in any condition
he pleased; and that if he did mistrust me,
if he pleased, I would go instantly aboard. Being
half perswaded I would perform what I promised,
and taking compassion of my pitiful moan, called
the Keeper to him, and paying my Fees, instantly
sees me out before him; he would not absolutely
trust me yet, and therefore bad me go straight forward
till he countermanded me, which was but once
in all the way, he drove me to his own house.
This Gentleman was one of the most considerable
Merchants in Bristol, who trading much to Virginia,
questioned not but to make a considerable Return
of me, being a lusty young comly Lad. By
reason our ship lay by the Key side, a lusty Vessel
.bn 114.png
.pn +1
of three hundred Tuns, carrying twenty four Guns,
he would not trust me on Board, fearing lest the
nearness of the Vessels lying ashore, I should
have the better opportunity of making my escape:
Wherefore he kept me at home with eyes
enough over me; and that I might not be altogether
idle, he displaced two or three old Servants
of his out of their wearisom imployments, Dog-turn-spits
I mean (a usual custom through the
whole City) that I might take their turn. Now
that my Master might not think I needed to be
forced upon business, mornings, and afternoons,
(wherein I had some cooling hours) I voluntarily
imployed in learning to write, the sight whereof
gave my Master a wonderful Satisfaction; insomuch,
that he bought me a new Canvas Suit,
with Shoes, Stockins, Hat, and two new Shirts,
but yet would not suffer me to stir aboard.
But now our Ship being rigg’d, victualed, and
all things ready for a Voyage, fell down into
King-road, and he in a Boat the next day sent
me aboard of her. There being now no hopes left
for escaping, I endeavoured to please my self by
promising my thoughts things impossible, or very
improbable when I Landed in Virginia. But that
night there arose a great storm the Wind blowing
hard at South-East, which made a very turbulent
Sea, which so frighted me, that I fully resolved if
I escaped this, I would never be drowned in another
like it. We rode with but one Anchor,
which coming home we were forc’d to drop our
shete Anchor which held us, and so rid it out.
The next Morning several of our men went
ashore to the Crock and Pill, there to refresh
themselves. I would have gone with them, but
.bn 115.png
.pn +1
could not be admitted; wherefore I resolv’d ere it
was long to go ashore by my self. In the day time
it was impossible to attempt any such enterprize;
wherefore I judged the night must assist me, or nothing
would; the Wind being not fair, nor likely
to be, one day most of our men took Boat, and
went up to Bristol, where taking their leaves of
their friends, came down to us as merry as Hawks,
those that had been aboard all day, upon the return
of the Ships Crew, went ashore to the Pill, where
in less time, they got as considerable a Dose as the
most head strong of any of the rest had done. Night
coming on, sleep needed no other Harbinger to put
them to rest, than their own ebriety, which soon had
lull’d four parts in five into a sensless security,
snoaring so loud, that I wonder they did not wake
with their own noise. Now was the time I imagined,
that Providence had alotted for my escape, and so
seeing the Decks in a manner clear, I got into the
Steerage, designing to look for the Cock-Boat,
which used to be a Stearn of us, but looking out
of the Port-hole I saw two lusty fellows (that
were Passengers) in the Boat, and were just putting
off from the Ship side. I spake softly to
them, and threatned to discover them by crying
out, if they would not take me in: they seeing a
necessity for so doing, consented to my proposition,
and in I got; they plyed the Oars so well, that we
quickly got ashore, landing at Portshead, for the
Bell would have been a means to discover us;
and there turning our Boat a Drift, away we travelled
by Land most part of that night; in the
Morning by inquiry, we found our selves not farr
from Mineard: we left the Town on our right
hand, not daring to venture through it, and keep
.bn 116.png
.pn +1
streight on till we came within six miles of Barnstable,
there we lay in a Barn that night; my
two other Comrades had a mind to go to Plimouth,
but I refused to go with them, having
been all suspected the day before, begging on
the Road; I thought my self more secure to be
alone, imagining few would suspect a Lad so
young, and therefore resolved for Barnstable.
Whither being come, I addressed my self to an
Inn, where begging a while, the Hostler chanc’d
to take notice of me, and seeing me to be a
notable well trussed Lad, askt me, whether I
would assist him in rubbing down Horse-heels?
Yes (said I) with all my heart; he never questioned
my fidelity, nor what friends I had, for
he thought it would be to little purpose for so
small a youngster to ride away with a Horse,
riding to water, &c. The frequent falls I had,
(being a bad Horseman) had like to have put
me by my new occupation; for I was half of the
opinion it was equally as dangerous to ride a
Horse-back as to ride at Anchor: and to lift me
clear out of the Saddle, my Worshipful Master
did take much notice of my frequent miscarriages,
and fearing lest by my unskilful riding, or some
other accident I should have my neck broken
one time or other and so be forced to keep me,
he was resolved to turn me off; that which confirmed
him in his resolution, was a scurvy trick I
served him, which was intended for the Tapster,
which is as followeth.
The Tapster of our Inn, when he found me
any time at leisure, would commonly imploy me
in attending his Guests, drawing Drink, and so
forth; I seldom went into the Cellar, but I would
.bn 117.png
.pn +1
be sure to drench my throat; for I thought I
had wronged my Mouth, if I had missed one
time, by which means he could not but catch me
sometimes; at first he took little notice, but
finding me to make it a common practice, every
time he so caught me, he made my ears pay for
the injuries my mouth did him; but one time
above the rest, he did beat me in the Cellar so
unmercifully with a Hoop-stick, that after it I
thought I needed at least twenty of them to keep
my ribs together: the continual pain this beating
put me to, did also rack my inventions in studying
how I might be revenged of him: I could
find no other way but this; observing the Tapster
to be very laxative, I went and consulted the
House of Office, and found the middle Board to
be suitable and serviceable to my purpose; for
by loosing of but two or three Nails I could
make it turn topsy turvy, like a Trencher with a
Tub of water to catch Mice withal; but
plumm’d the depth of the Vault, and found it
in Golden Oar not above a yard in depth; finding
that I should not hazzard his life by this enterprize,
and having a brave opportunity to drink
that night, (there being great store of Guests in
our House) I swallowed so much for joy that my
project would take, that my eyes were miskie:
however all being abed, and I the last up, resolved
to be the first in the morning to prevent
others from dropping into the Pit-fall; knowing
well from former experience that our loose Tapster
would be the early, and first handseller of
this design.
At length growing exceedingly drowsie, I fell
asleep under the Manger, a wonder to me since,
that the Horses by treading on me, had not
.bn 118.png
.pn +1
spoiled my face, or some other part: about four
of the Clock in the Morning I was awakened out
of my sleep, by an exceeding Griping of my
Guts, and found a great pronness to go to Stool;
the fumes that ascended from the excess of Drinking
Ale the night past, had not only intoxicated
my Brain, but for that time so depraved my
memory, that I remembred not any thing of the
Trap I had laid for the Tapster; wherefore to
obey Natures commands, I ran hastily into the
House of Office, with my Breeches in my hands,
and treading on the Board, it slipt up, and in I
dropt.
I thought once to have cried out for help, but
hang it thought I, it is better punish my nose a
while, than lose my revenge: wherefore placing
the Board (which I could easily reach) even again,
I crept up into the corner of the Vault. I waited
a great while, but none came, till my patience
was almost worn out; but at last I heard the
tread of some ones footing, I supposing it to be
the Tapsters, was even over-joyed; But it was
my Master, stepping boldly into the House of
Office, and treading on the same Board, slipt into
it as I had done before; whereupon catching him
about the neck (for I was almost up to the Chin)
which had like to have frightned him more than
his fall; welcome said I, the welcomest man living;
you might have come sooner, I have waited
here an hour at least; he thinking the Devil had
been in the Vault (for he could not conjecture
any mortal could endure to be there so long)
cri’d out as loud as his Wind-pipe (which was
Organ-Tenor size) would permit; which doubling,
he at length drew help unto him, they sent him
the end of a Broomstick (preserving their hands
.bn 119.png
.pn +1
for a sweeter imployment) by the help of which
he got out; but no sooner was he on his Feet,
but without so much as thanking them, cries out,
the Devil is in the Vault, and so ran distractedly
into the House; The People hearing him say so,
ran after him, leaving me to shift for my self.
There might I have staid long enough, had not
my own hands helpt me out. Being in the House
he smelt stronger than twenty of Tom-Ponds
put all together, and so great was his fright, that
that added somewhat to the strong scent, if any
addition could be made. He was perswaded first
to wash, and change his habit, before they asked
any questions concerning this strangely surprizing
adventure, for it was impossible to entertain any
discourse with him. In the mean time I having
got out, ran immediately into the Horse-pond,
and there rowled and wash’t my self all over, and
coming out, finding that would not absolutely do,
I uncloathed my self, taking my Doublet first,
and washing that throughly, and so my Breeches,
with my Shirt, and every thing else about me, I
washed severally and distinctly from those fetid impurities,
they had contracted in the House of Office.
By this time my Master the Hostler had shifted
himself, and abundance of the Neighbours were
gathered about him, to be informed how this disaster
befell him. Why surely Sirs (said he) it
must be the Devil, and no body else, that owed
me a shame, and now paid me home; at that
very instant I came into the room where my
Master was, who seeing me in that manner dropping,
and looking as bad, as one that had been
drawn through a Common-shore; How now
(said he) whence comest thou? What hast
thou been doing? Master, said I, (if I
.bn 120.png
.pn +1
mistake not) you were talking just now of the
Devil owing you a shame, pray tell me what it
was, and how he paid it you home, and I shall acquaint
you with his late too much familiarity with
me. Hereupon my Master repeated what he had
related before briefly to me, telling me, that going
to the House of Office this morning early, he had
no sooner stept within the doors, but the Devil,
(for he was sure on’t he said) unjoynted a Board,
and pull’d him into the Vault, and then jear’d
him by welcomeing, him into that stinking place.
O Master (said I) as you were served, so was me
your Boy (though somewhat differing in manner)
and I think by the same splightful Devil: For
coming out of the Stable by four in the morning,
I was catcht up, and thrown upon our great Dung-mixen,
there was I rowled to and fro for half an
hour, and at last rowled into our Horse-pond;
out of which with much difficulty I scrabbled out
with my life; you see what a pickle I was in.
This I feigned, that he might not think me guilty
of that Plott I had laid for another, but was every
whit as glad, it did light on him, for his beating
me so often unmercifully.
Large was the talk of this strange accident, most
not knowing what to think on’t. He for his part a
while did foolishly believe that some infernal
Spirit owing him some ill will, had thus abused
him, till by some apparent Symptomes he had
discovered, he concluded me the Author. To the
intent he might the more fully revenge himself
on me, he took no notice on what had passed,
neither did he express any dissatisfaction towards
me. One Night about 11 and 12 a Clock, when
the whole Family were most of them in Bed, he
merrily askt me whether I had any Money; yes,
.bn 121.png
.pn +1
said I, here is two pence. Come on, said he, I will
wager with thee a Pot, I will jump further at twice,
than thou shalt do at five times; done, said I;
Where shall the place be: Why here said he in
this very Entry where we are. He began first,
and made three large jumps which reacht as far
as the Threshold of the outer dore. Having so
done, I followed him, and at the fourth, I toucht
the Threshold with my Toes: and then straitning
my self to shew my nimbleness and activity, I
leaped a great way into the Street; he perceiving
that, shut the door against me, locking it, he spake
through the Key-hole, saying, Good night, look
your lodging elsewhere, your Lordship is to nimble
for me. My entreaties were many and urgent to
let me in, but I found him so inexorable, that had
I supplicated his Horses, I might have found as
much favour, as from this Esquire of the manger.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. IX.
.pm start_summary
He relates what extremities he was put to, for want
of Food and Lodging. His Lodging in a Mill,
lying in the Hopper, discovers a very pleasant passage
between the Miller and his Wench; and by a
strange accident got a very good Supper that night;
with many other remarkable adventures.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
I was not so much troubled that by being shut
out of dores I was destitute of a lodging as to
think how basely I was turn’d off by this Yeoman
of the Hempen Collar. Neither did I trouble my
self at the thoughts of lying underneath a Stall,
(for I had too lately been intimately acquainted
with lying on the boards) but my mind was somewhat
perplext when I thought of meeting the
.bn 122.png
.pn +1
Constable and his Watch, I fear’d no lodging so
much as one of their providing. To avoid which,
I crept under a Stall, and slept there that night.
The Sun had lookt into our Hemisphere with half
an Eye, when I awaked, and glad I was I had so
much light to see which way I pleased to steer my
Course. I directed my Feet toward the Key,
where I knew I should find diversity of Objects to
please my roving mind. I walkt there so long, still
my stomack grew enraged to that height that nothing
could pacify it but a good Breakfast, which
I knew not how to obtain, or give it the least satisfaction,
but by begging. Whilst I was thus
plotting how to support Life, a Man in good habit
steps ashore from one of the Ships which lay by
the Key, and walking a turn or two with me, askt
me who I belonged to, if to none, whether I wanted
a Service? To whom I replyed, I was an Orphan
and Masterless, and that I should be glad to hear
of a good Service, and be thankful to him that
should help me to one. That I will said he, if
thou wilt Sail with me to the Barbadoes, thou
shalt fare as I do, and since thou art a well favoured
Lad, I will have a care of thee as of my
own Son (it may be so, if he loved him no worse
than my Father loved me) thou shalt do well ne’re
question. He askt me whether I would eat or drink,
I told him I was both hungry and thirsty; come aboard
with me (said he) and thou shalt be satisfied
in both. I thought it no prudence, but rather
very hazardous to go aboard then, and therefore
beg’d his excuse; he perceived my fearfulness, insisted
on that no farther, and so carried me to a
Cooks Shop where he called plentifully for Meat
and Drink; and that I might not want sawce to
.bn 123.png
.pn +1
my Meat, he recounted to me the pleasures of
going to Sea, what idle Lives they lived, doing
nothing but imploying their thoughts in what
past time they shall next divert themselves in;
Sometimes playing at Hob, (a usual Game amongst
Sea-men in a calm) afterwards at Cards, Dice, Tables,
Talking, Walking, Smoaking, Drinking or
Fishing, and then speaking of Barbadoes and other
Islands they usually touch upon, he told nothing
but wonders of them. Though I had not the Faith
to believe all he said, yet I could not but be much
pleased at the Relation. He spent some hours with
me to possess me with a belief of the verity of what
he said; and when he had exprest himself so
largely that he could not utter any more without
Repetition, he demanded whether I would resolve
to go with him; I promised faithfully I would,
but desired of him respit till the next day; thinking
I intended thereby to evade him, he would not
consent to it, alledging I was too young to catch
old Birds with chaff; this was but a trick of mine
to fill my Belly, and that this was not the first
time I had served others so; however I will pay
my share of the Reckoning, and so farewell and
be hang’d; there being sixteen pence to pay, he
threw down his eight pence. As he was marching
down the stairs I called after him, begging
him to stay, he returning, I vowed I would come
to him the next day, and be absolute at his devotion;
I backt this Vow with many Oaths and Protestations,
the breaking of which I valued as little
as Lovers do theirs in an amorous heat, if necessity
should force me to it. Well, said he, I will believe
thee for once, but if thou doest cheat me, I
shall find you some time or other, and then——
Glad I was to part with him, resolving if I could
.bn 124.png
.pn +1
make any other shift, I would not go with him,
Night drew on without any other success that day;
and now wandring to and fro in the dark not
knowing where to go, I arrived at the foot of Welcomb
Bridge; finding myself so near the Town end,
I resolved to get shelter under some Hay-mow, or
creep into some Pig-stie. As I walkt along I saw
a glimmering light, and approaching it, found it in
a Mill; I lookt in, but saw no body, whereupon I
boldly entred (it being late) and sate down a while
by the Hopper, to the intent if any should have
taken notice of my entring the Mill, I might there
in view have been excused my self. Now coming,
and finding myself alone, I got up into the Hopper
(being a very large one) and there lay close. I
had not been long there, before I heard the Miller
come into the Mill, and discoursed with an other,
which I judged Female by her voice: not long
after came his Boy with some Liquor of what sort
I know not, about to depart, the Miller charged
him to bring the Capon as soon as it was ready.
By their discourse I soon perceived the intent of
that their nocturnal meeting; for though the Mill
stood still, the Miller was resolved to grind that
night. Various was their pretty little amorous
tittle tattle; but growing weary of talking, there
was a cessation, and then I could hear a bustling
and puffing, as if the Miller had over-charg’d his
arms by lifting too many sacks of corn at once.
After this, no noise at all; then began a fresh Dialogue,
but somewhat better qualified than the first;
Their discourse was full of kissing Parentheses,
sometimes one with another: their controversie at
length grew hot, and the arguments of these two
Disputants were so powerful on each side, that they
.bn 125.png
.pn +1
had not a word to say. In the mean time in came
the Boy with the Capon, setting it down, but where
is the Bottle (Sirrah) said the Miller? The Winer
said the Boy wont let it go without leaving Money
for it beside the Sack; whereupon giving him
Money charg’d him to make haste, which he did
accordingly. The Miller and the Wench fell to
it lustily. I could hear by the swift motion of
their chops, not letting three bitts pass their
greedy throats without six Gulps of Wine to
wash them down. I wisht them both in the Mill
Dam, so that I could have had some of their good
cheer. At last the Miller being indifferently satisfyed,
and impatient to taste of other Flesh, than that
of a Fowl, said, Come my dear we will set aside what
remains till anon, which will taste better then, than
now; I did wish they would have set it up in the
Hopper; After this they fell to their former dalliances;
and all was hush again. I reaching up
my head by degrees, resolving to see; and leaning
too far over the Hopper to make the full discovery,
I and the Hopper came tumbling over and
over down upon the Miller, and with my Foot had
so dabb’d him into the Pole, that half stund, up he
got with his Wench, and both ran as if the Devil had
been in the pursuit of them; not knowing (when
they had recovered the fright) how soon they
would return, I resolved not to be idle, but snatching
up the remains of the Capon and the Bottle I
ran too, but it was a contrary way, being at a
good distance, and having recovered the Fields I
got under a Hedge, where I made a shift to fill my Belly,
though I could not see what I did eat; my Wine
served to keep me warm in my new cold lodging;
but I found it had not cured my bruised Bones,
.bn 126.png
.pn +1
which troubled me so much, I cursed my curiosity,
as well as the Miller, who was the cause of all this
mischief, wishing I had his Stones to peck for him.
My happiness rose with the Sun, whose glorious
beams having put to flight the gloomy shades
of the night, had also in part routed those cares
and fears which had surrounded me on every side.
And now I began to remember my promise to
go for Barbadoes; which (after I had seriously
considered with my self) concluded it to be the best
expedient I could propound to my self for a future
livelihood. But thought I, it would not be amiss to
carry some Venture along with me; but since I
had neither Parents, Friends, Credit, nor Money,
there was no way to procure any such thing, but
by my wits, which I was resolved to stretch, or
stretch for it: I walkt the streets almost one
whole day, but could not contrive a way to insinuate
my self into any shop, without much suspition,
being so small an Urchin; But rather than spend
a day thus fruitlesly, I purposed to hazzard all;
and therefore coming by a Shooemakers Shop, I
boldly stept in, and as confidently askt the Master
thereof, whether he knew my Master; who is thy
Master quoth the Shooemaker? Capt. ——— said
I; he replyed, he knew him not. You may then
said I, for he pointed to this Shop even now, bidding
me stay till he came, he intends to buy a parcel
of shooes of you, being bound to Sea in a long
Voyage. The Man hearing me tell this formal and
plausible tale, desired me to sit down, telling me
I was heartily welcom; I told him I had been sitting
all day, and therefore desired him to give me
the liberty of walking in his Shop, with all my
heart said he; and with all my soul too, thought I;
.bn 127.png
.pn +1
for by this means I had the opertunity of Surveying
the Shop, and seeing what things my hands
might lay hold on with least difficulty and hazard.
He not suspecting me in the least, followed what
he was before about at his Cutting-board, and his
back being towards me, I secured a pair of Childrens
Shooes, which lay among many more carelesly
on a Seat, which I securing, I stept to the
Man at his Cutting-Board; sometimes looking on
his work, and then stared him caution by my eyes
to have a care, lest I should steal the noble Trade
of the Gentle craft from him; then standing at
the door as if I lookt every moment for my Masters
coming, and then retreating inwards, would wonder,
or rather mutter to my self, that if he should
stay so long. Walking a turn or two backwards
and forwards, I espyed a pair, that I verily believed
would fit me, my heart leapt within me at
the discovery, and my fingers never left itching till
I pincht them by the Ears, who made no outcry,
when I conveyed them into my Breeches; fearing
to stay longer; (knowing to well the danger
if I were taken) I came to the Master of the Shop
with my Hat in my Hand, telling him I would
go look my Master, assuring him I should find
him either at the Rose, or Kings-head Tavern,
and as soon as I found him would return again
instantly. Do so, my pretty Lad, quoth he, do
so; which I did with such an over eager haste,
that had he observed me, I might have been betrayed
thereby. Overjoyed with this success I fully
purposed to be couragious for the future, and
banish every base thought, that might lessen or
abate a dangerous or desperate resolution. To
increase my purchase I walkt into another Street
.bn 128.png
.pn +1
remote from that I committed my first Theft,
where I busily imployed my eyes in the search of
any advantage, though ne’re so inconsiderable;
they quickly found out what my thoughts aimed
at, and therefore drew near my intended prey, a
Hosiers Shop, the Master whereof was busily imployed
in making up of Stockings of all sorts into
Papers, marking thereon the Prizes. A Logger-headed
Fellow, taller by the Head than my self,
had little to do, it seems then to gape and stare
on the Gentleman that was at work; he lolling
over the Stall, I came and leaned by him, where
we both gazed so long, till we had seen him make
up several Parcels.
I had a great mind to have some Stockins to my
Shooes, if I knew how to get them. There was no
thoughts of going in after the obsolete way of nimming
them, under the pretence of cheapning, for my
Habit and Age would have been incongruous, to
that design; I had various Projects in my head, and
I verily believ’d one would take, (since there was
but one man in the Shop) if I knew but which of
them would prove most infallibly effectual; for I
approved them all as very good. Seeing his work
almost at an end, I thought it high time mine should
begin; wherefore this Lobcock (who lookt like one
who never was nor ever would be good for any
thing) I say, I propounded him as the fittest instrument
I could use for my designed good. To commence
this Knavish stratagem, I pincht him gently
by the Ear, which he feeling, grumbling like
one suddainly awakt out of his sleep, asked me
what’s the matter? Nothing said I, he lolling
again after his afore accustomed humour, I twek’t
him again, at which he grew angry, and threatned
.bn 129.png
.pn +1
to box me: I regarding his threats no more than
the humming of a Gnat, stuck a Pin to the Head in
his Breech; at which he caper’d like a dancing
Horse; and ney’d so loud, that I could hardly forbear
laughing, but he soon made me more serious,
by lending me such a cuff on the Ear, I thought he
had struck my head off my Shoulders; I endeavoured
to defend my self as well as I could, warding
his blows, and now and then returning one, creeping
as near the Shop door as I could; the Master
of the Shop perceiving my Antagonist was like
to be too hard for me, left off papering his Stockins,
to part two so unequally matcht; that was my pollicie,
that I might get him on my side; with much
ado, by the help of my Shop-friend, I dis-ingaged
my self from him, and seemingly much afraid, I ran
violently into the Shop, pretending to fly from
my furious adversary; and turning hastily about,
I saw the Hosier was much concerned in keeping
the Looby from running in upon me; all this
while his back was towards me, which favoured
my exploit so rarely well, I whipt up a Paper of
six pair of Stockins, and sent them into my Breeches
undiscovered, to keep company with the Shoes;
having finished this work, I had so cunningly
plotted I called to the Hosier, Master, Master,
said I, let the cowardly Lubber come, and let me
see what he dare do, I commend the little Boy
said the Hosier, and so loosing him, he ran furiously
upon me, I being less by much than he,
dodg’d him, and so got clear out of the dore, the
Hosier holding him in the Shop, till I had cleerly
escap’d him; The Hosier, (as I understood afterwards)
presently missing his Stockings, overtakes
this Boy, that made not half the haste that I did,
.bn 130.png
.pn +1
to be far enough from the Shop, and dragging
him back, charg’d him with stealing a Paper of
Stockins who stifly denied it, as well he might. The
other told him that though he lookt like a simple
ignorant Dolt-head, yet he had found him the cunningest
Knave that ever he met with: These are new
tricks indeed, spick and span new, piping hot. I have
heard, when Knaves fall out honest men come by their
own; but I never heard when two such Young
Rogues fall out, honest men should loose their
Goods. Sirrah, not only produce the Stockins you
now have stoln but those I have lately mist, and
that presently: you are like to pay for all. A Young
Lad (one of my Confederates afterwards) stood by
all the while, and told me, that his Gestures at that
time out-did all the changlings that ever had been
before him; all that the Hosier could get out of him
was, that the boy he would have beaten had them;
This would not serve the turn, but caused the Constable
to carry him before the Mayor, who hearing
the whole story, wondred at the subtility of the
Plot, especially proceeding from such Green Heads
(concluding us Partners) and that his Worship
might hinder him from the like, or worse attempts,
committed him to Bridewell, there to remain one
whole Month, and thrice a week to be severely
lasht. I was glad to hear of his confinement being
freed from the fear of meeting him in the
Street, neither durst I much ramble abroad for
fear of meeting the Hosier; wherefore I was resolved
to make what hast I could to get me and
my Cargo aboard; to the increasing whereof I found
the acquaintance I got among young Apprentices,
with my skill in Span-farthing and Chuck, to be
very instrumental; For being busie at play whilst
.bn 131.png
.pn +1
their Masters were at Dinner or Break-fast, (which
were my chief Market times) I could with ease
slip into the Shop, and so whatever came to my
hands was lawful Prize. What I had gotten at
Chuck, Span-Farthing, and such like Juvenil
Games, I found sufficient to provide me sustenance
for the day, and had spare hours enough
to exercise my Art of Pilfring; what each days
Theft had produced, I warily carried to my
Magazine, a place that I had found out, secret
and secure enough for that purpose, viz. a ruinated
old Castle, not far distant from the Town,
rarely frequented by any. In the Wall whereof,
I found a large hole, where I intomb’d my
Goods, I like a Cunny with her Stock of young
Rabbets, never let it lie open, when I left it.
There was not a Day wherein I did not add to
my Store; so that thriving thus in my Theeving,
and success attending all my Rogueries, I grew
so impudently confident, that I thought almost that
I could have stoll’n a mans skin from him without
discovery. But Danger and Destruction are
seldom nearer, then when security lies at the Door.
I had been in many shops but never in a Booksellers,
wherefore I was resolved to make one Trial there;
and studying what Book to ask for, (being acquainted
with very few) I pitcht upon an Accidence; but
that I thought would not suit with my Canvas
habit, I then thought a Spelling-Book would be
much fitter; so advancing within the Shop Dores, I
demanded of the Apprentice whether he had any
such Book; he answered affirmatively. Pray let me
see it, said I; whilst the young man was reaching
down a bundle of stitcht Books, in which it was
tyed up; I had cleanlily conveyed a Book into
.bn 132.png
.pn +1
my Breeches, proved to be a Practice of
Piety) the Apprentice not finding it in that bundle,
searcht in another, which gave my hands the
liberty of seizing on another Book, a piece of Divinity
as well digested and as Practical as the
former, called A Help to Devotion; his Master
which lay covert this while in a place called Catch
Thief, hastily called his Man to him, to tell him
what he had observed, and to let me alone till I
was going away, and then to detain me; giving
me in the mean time all the advantagious opportunities
I could wish for; and to dissemble the
matter the better, the Apprentice fumbled a pretty
while before he could find it; by that time I had
made other purchases, but one especially, the
Title whereof you shall know instantly.
Having found the Book, he delivered it into my
hands; I tumbling it over askt the Price: Two
Groats, said he; I that had no mind to buy it,
was resolv’d to bid little enough; will you take
Three Pence; The Rascal snatcht the Book out
of my Hands so furiously, I thought he had torn
it to pieces; and then griping me fast by the Arm,
(a Pox on him I did not like well his looks before)
Sir, said he, Your Worship is very merrily disposed
to offer me as little again as my commodity cost
me. What Books else do you want? Or is your
Honour of all sorts well stored? So clapping his
hands on the knees of my Breeches, discovered
what I had been doing. This disgracing Villain
makes no more ado, but bawls out aloud, Master,
Master, come quickly, I have caught the Bookworm
that hath devoured so many Books of late.
The Grave old Segnior upon this out-cry quits
his covert, and in a Spanish pace advanced towards
me, accosting me with the worthy Title of
.bn 133.png
.pn +1
Honoured Sir, I am glad to see you, and am much
troubled you should heretofore visit my Shop, and I
abroad. I understand you are a great lover of
Books; insomuch (they say) you are a little walking
library: be not offended Sir, if I take the boldness
to look into the Title of one or two of them: so
putting his hands into my Breeches, drew out a
Practice of Piety: An excellent good Book. I protest
(quoth he) you are to be commended for making
election of such approvedly sound Divinity, to inform
you of the true principles of Christianity; diving
again he brings out M. Scudders Christians dayly
walk; Upon the sight hereof he seem’d to be
ravisht, saying, surely this is a young Angel; and if
he reads and practises such precious Books as these,
he will be Canoniz’d for a Saint before his decease.
And then applying himself to me; said, for certain
walk and the Christians dayly walk differ
much, for his dayly walks are in the righteous paths
of honesty and Justice, but you walk dayly up and
down to see what Thefts, Cheats, and Rogueries you
can perform. But let us make a further enquiry,
and then he drew out a Help to Devotion. Do you
see (said he) how Devout he is? how piously studious?
not one scurrilous Pamphlet, or Play-book in all his
Study; What shall we call him; Religious Votary.
But indeed Sir, (said he) you are highly too
blame not to put your books (having so many) into
some method or order, and not let them lie thus confusedly
without shelves.
He searcht a pretty while again before he could
find any more, at last he found in a blind corner
a Book, and bringing it to light, what should it be,
but Mr. Smiths Great Assize; Look you here (said
.bn 134.png
.pn +1
he) what I have found at last? before which at last
you must appear, and there answer for all the Villanies
you have committed, and then will these very
Books (thou hast stoll’n) come in as evidences against
thee; but hoping thou wilt escape there, they shall
convict thee here, and so presently sent his Man for
a Constable, who coming, we straight way marcht
to the Mayors. As ill luck would have it, we
were to pass by both the Hosiers Shop, and the
Shooe-makers, who enquiring of the rabble what
was the matter, were informed that they were
carrying a young Thief to the Mayor, for stealing
Books; the Shooe-maker was the first I past
by, who seeing me, knew me presently, crying out,
this is the young Rogue that stole my shooes; and
not long after the Hosier was in the same tone;
this is one of the Rascals that stole my Stockins, so
joyning with the multitude, we soon arrived at
the Mayors house; entring which, the Mayor
being acquainted with the matter, came down
into a large Hall, where my Accusers each in his
order declared my guilt, not omitting any circumstance
that might aggravate my crimes. The
Mayor much wondred that I should be so notoriously
Roguish at those years, and askt, what I
had to say for my self. May it please your Worship
(quoth I, bowing so low that my nose e’ne
toucht the Ground) I am fatherless, and Money-less,
Friendless, and Helpless, and being ready to starve,
I begged up and down the Town, but to very little
purpose; for I beg’d so long without relief, that I
knew not how to prolong my Life, without falling
into these indirect courses. Had not the People been
thus hard hearted, I had not been so sharp witted.
What did you do with the Shooes and Stockins you
.bn 135.png
.pn +1
stole? I sold them (said I) for Bread and Beer.
Where, said he? May it please your Worship, I am
a stranger in this place and if you hang me I know
not where the house stands now. But what did you
intend to do with these Books? And if it please
you, Sir, I intended with all diligence to enquire
whether any Ship was going for Barbadoes, or any
English Plantation abroad and I would go in her;
being able to read a little, (and knowing my self to
be a wicked Boy) I thought to carry them along with
me, to the intent I might both mend my reading; and
by my reading those good Books, endeavour to mend
my life. All the standers by amazed to hear me
speak after this manner; but more especially the
Mayor, who protested, although he was near four-score,
he had not in his whole life time observed
the like President; and withal publickly confest he
knew not what to do in this business: at length
(after he had pawsed a while) said he; young man,
you shall have your desire, you shall go to Barbadoes;
here is a ship in the Harbour now ready, only expecting
a wind; but that you may not forget your
Native Countrey, this Town in particular; but
more especially your matchless Rogueries, you shall
be sharply whipt according to your deserts, and from
the House of Correction immediately shipt away.
You Gentlemen, that have been sufferers by this
young Rogue, see that my sentence be punctually
performed; and if you please to give your
selves farther satisfaction, let each person offended,
give the Offender three lashes apiece, above the
general number appointed. I was straightways
hurried from thence to the House of Correction;
not only Guarded, but regarded by half the
Town; my Accusers stuck to me to the very last,
.bn 136.png
.pn +1
neither was there wanting those (to the number
of a score) that verily believ’d I had abused them
too (having lost several things lately) which accompanied
me, hoping to give themselves some
satisfaction, by having each of them a fling at
my ——. The illest lookt Rogue that ever dropt
out of a Carts arse at Tyburn, was superlatively
handsom to this Baboon, bare-arst, Monkey-fac’d
Jerker, that was to correct my Rogueship. His
eyes were of two different colours, and of as different
motions; they would turn from each sometimes
to the utmost Angles of his face, as if they
loathing each other, would not admit of that
correspondency which good eyes bless themselves
withal: and then again furiously return, angerly
endeavouring to pry into each others Cells, how
they might extinguish the malignancie of that
sight, each other hated for the Neighbour-hood.
The Hair of his Head and Eye-brows hung over
his Fore head, and part of his Face, like that of
an Iceland Shock; Nature when she formed him
was very frollicksom, and summon’d all the faculties
of her art to make a thing appear ridiculously
monstrous; for the colour of his Face
appear’d less lovely than a Molotto’s, the sides
of his Cheek like two pieces of Tann’d-Hide flie-bitten;
his Nose about an inch longer than Mother
Shipton is pictur’d with, and somewhat more
curved; his Mouth opened as wide as an Oligators;
and his Teeth within that vast Concave,
alike straggling, his Chin was like the Rump of
a Goose. When he did sweat (as he did rarely
otherwise) his neck lookt very like a Collar of
Brawn, standing in its own Pickle; his back was
borrowed from a Cammel, his Belly from a Swine,
.bn 137.png
.pn +1
his Leggs from a Crane, much longer, though
not quite so small; But I believe the Devil helpt
him to Arms, for my Doublet and Shirt being
stript over my ears, there was an Engine brought
much like a Pillorie, in which there was three
holes; the middlemost for my Head, and one of
each side for my hands: These Principal Members
of mine being there fixt, he takes up a Stick in
his hand with five or six Cords at the end thereof,
with which, at the first blow, I thought he
had cut me in two, following that with three or
four more, and in the end did so lay about him,
that my very Accusers were forc’d to intreat
him to give over; and when that would not do,
they were compell’d to hold his hands. To conclude,
he had so out-done their expectations, that
they had now nothing else to do but to pity me;
but this was not all, my greatest affliction was
yet behind. For lest those deep furrows the
Rogue had plowed up on my Back should fester
or rankle, he had provided a Bason of Water and
Salt to wash my Wounds withal, which caused a
pain intollerable. The severity of that punishment,
hath ever since wrought so strongly on my
imagination, that it makes me tremble, when I
but cast my eye on any Book of the same Volume
of a Practice of Piety.
.tb
Mr. Mayor had ordered, that the place of my
torment should be that of my rest too for that
night, and in the mean time had sent for the Master
of the Ship that was bound for Barbadoes,
(having a part in her himself) and inform’d him
that he had a purchase for him; a young Lad
which he should take aboard, giving him an account
.bn 138.png
.pn +1
how he came by him: it was all one to
the Master, he cared not what they were, provided
strong and healthy: the Sea and Gallows refuse
none. The next morning I was conveyed
aboard; the Master knew me at first sight, and
said to me, Did not I tell you, if you were worse
than your promise I should meet with you again?
Truly Master, (said I) I did not forget what I
promised, the occasion of so long absence was
only a desire I had to furnish my self with some
Commodities suitable to our Voyage; yesterday
I was coming in all hast to you, but that taking
up some odd trifles by the way staid me a while,
but I’le assure you they cost me very dear. The
damn’d Dog-whipper that was with me, did cut
what I was about to say in two, resolving forsooth,
to have his saying, telling the Master he
need not be asham’d to entertain me in his Ship,
for to his knowledge I was no less than a Lace-Merchant,
and had had great quantity about me.
The Master dismissing the Fellow giving him a
Tester for his care of me, took me into his Custody;
first carrying me into his Cabin to divert
himself with the relation of my Adventures; perceiving
that the rehearsal of but two or three gave
him infinite satisfaction; I assumed the boldness
(being encouraged thereunto by his intreaty) to
give him a plenary relation, not only of what had
lately past since my arrival at Barnstable, but
gave him a true and full account of all transactions
before I left the famous City of Bristol, the
place which I am engaged to for my Nativity.
.bn 139.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. X.
.pm start_summary
He is shipt for a Plantation. He gives an account
of the Passengers aboard, relating what kind of
Cattle they were, and discovers from their own
mouths, things very observable, in some of their
Lives and Conversations.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
The soreness of my flead back had so taken
me off my mettle, that for three days, I
did little more than eat and sleep; but hating
thus to truant away my life without acting or
observation; I pull’d up a good heart, resolving
to make the best of a bad Market; the first thing
I had to do was to get my Cargo aboard, not
knowing how, or whom to trust. I saw there was
no way more feisable than to acquaint our Master
herewith: wherefore one Morning, seeing
him enter his Cabin alone, I followed him close
at the heels, and falling presently on my knees,
I begg’d him in the most commiserating terms
my invention would afford, that he would not
only be secret in what I should discover to him,
but also be assistant to me. What, Sirrah (said
he) have you some new piece of Roguery to act,
and would you have me to be your accomplice in
it? Far be it from me, Sir, said I; the Fact is
already done, and by what means known: but
the purchase none knows but myself where it is,
wherefore all that I desire is, that discovering the
place, you will lend me your assistance to bring
it hither, Sir, it is a just thing I beg of you; I
have suffered the Law; and therefore it is
mine; The very Turks condemn that as lawful
prize to the use of the theevish Slave, that can
carry it off (though but over the Threeshold)
.bn 140.png
.pn +1
without being taken notice of; so I hope, as I
have been cleanly in my conveyance, so my punishment
will authorise and clear the purchase.
Hearing me plead so notably and pittying my
condition, told me that none should be concerned
in the securing of my dear bought Goods but
himself, and therefore commanded me to tell him
where they were; which accordingly I did, and
he thereupon immediately fetcht them, locking
them up in his own custody, and promising me,
as soon as they were Landed, restitution; and
that you shall not suspect, Sirrah (said he) that I
will embezel any of them, you shall have an Inventory
of them, which was thus: Imprimis Six
pair of Worsted Stockins, one pair of Children Shoees,
five clean Pipes, two Blew Leather Points, one Pair
of Boys Shoes, Two Brass Thimbles, one Alchymy
Spoon, one sawcer, one Knitting sheath and four
Needles with it, one old Womans pair of eyes,
(Spectacles I mean) which I stole from her Nose as
she slept at her own dore, two Horn-books, the pillage
of Two Children going to School; besides Giggs,
Bouling-stones, Marbles, and Span-Bounters innumerable.
As my Master was taking in writing an exact
account of my Estate, I thought he would have
crackt a Gut by his excessive laughter; but when
that stitch-begetting-tickling humour would give
him leave, he askt me, what I intended to do
with these commodities when I Landed? or what
Merchant I had advised withal in the proper
transportation of these Goods? Or whether (said
he, laughing aloudly) have you received any Letters
of advice from your Correspondence beyond Sea?
He was not so jocundly vain as I was really
serious, which so increast his laughter, that I was
.bn 141.png
.pn +1
forc’d to exercise a great deal of patience, before
I could have liberty to return him suitable Answers
to his Questions. At length without the
least alteration of my countenance I told him,
that what I had collected to my great cost and
labour, I thought were as proper for transportation
to that place we were bound to, as I had
consulted the principal Merchants of Europe; for
there is nothing said I in all my Cargo but what
is very useful, and that to all sorts of Persons,
Sexes, or Ages. For my stockins, Points, &c.
will very well accommodate either Male or Female;
the Knitting-sheath and Thimbles, for the
young Wenches; the Spectacles, I guess, may
serve any old Woman from Threescore to an
Hundred; the Horn-Books they may teach their
Children by, to read; and let me alone with the
Gigs, Bowling-stones and Counters to teach them
to play, I mean, Sir, not to play with them, but
for them, and if I win (as I know I shall) their
purchasing them again, shall be my daily gain.
He seem very well pleased to hear me make
such silly Propositions to my self for my future
advantage; but I propounded to my self greater
advantages, laid on a more solid Basis; and I did
not fear my hopes would wither, or prove ineffectual,
since as I plainly perceiv’d, I had my
Masters love and countenance to cherish them.
Being now dismist, I walkt to and fro the Ship,
making my self acquainted with the Sea-men, my
childishness conversing with their bruitishness, as
cheerfully as possibly I could, who seemed well
pleased with me, though seldom pleased with any
thing else but store of strong liquors aboard, and
a lusty plump Wench ashore. From aloft, I got
between Decks, and there I found a many beastly
.bn 142.png
.pn +1
fellow Travailers, Dog-like kennell’d, higglede
pigglede altogether; I was heartily welcom’d in
amongst them, but I was much troubled to see
them so much more in years than my self, till
looking narrowly about me, I espyed a young
Girl of about sixteen, as I judged. O Sister, quoth
I, as confidently, I am glad to see you here, but
much more glad that I shall have your company in
this Voyage. The Baggage at first seemed somewhat
sullen and coy, but in two or three dayes
we grew so inwardly acquainted; that if I were
aloft, , or abaft, or wheresoever, she would
be at my elbow. One day asking her the cause
of being a Shipboard, She told me, her Father
and Mother dyed when she was but three years
old, and left her to the tutelage of an Aunt, whose
cruelty increast towards her, as she increast in
years, debarring her even from that convenient
sustenance that supports Life, so that she was
forced to steal her Belly-timber, or be half-starved.
This early-forward-fruit was well complexioned,
and well featured, having a good natural Genius,
attended with an extraordinary boldness, both
which made me love this Cockatrice Whirligig,
what shall I call her, and became at last much
delighted in her conversation. Singling her out
one day, we got upon the Poop together, where,
after many childish flurtings, she perceiving how
inquisitive and desirous I was to know what was
the cause her Aunt was thus willing to part from
her, by sending her to Barbadoes; she very briskly
told me, she would give me the satisfaction required,
and expecting she would have made a
sigh to the Prologue to her following Discourse, I
found it otherwise, for she smilingly thus began,
to the same purpose, though not in the same words.
.bn 143.png
.pn +1
My Aunt doth think she hath fully revenged her
self of all the injuries I have done her, by thus banishing
me from her presence, and my Native Countrey,
to a place I never heard of, till I was doom’d
to be an Inhabitant therein; and glad I am that
slavish sentence hath freed me from a more cruel
doom of living under the Tyrany of a principal
Shee-Divel. My Father dying, left me as I am
inform’d an hundred pound, which by my Mothers
death soon after was almost doubled; my Aunt,
before her decease, had so insinuated into her easie
nature, that she wheedled her to let this Money lie
in her hands for my use, promising my mother, that
if I lived to be of age, or marryed, I should have
the sum intire, without substracting a penny, under
what pretence soever, and would tender me as her
own daughter: My Mother dying with the satisfaction
of my being well provided for, I was taken
into the use of my Aunt, and for a while was indifferently
lookt after, going to school with her own
Son and Daughter. But some years being past over
my head, I found my self differenced from her
Children, as much as might be, slighted, and abused,
and my Couzens often beaten for their too much
familiarity with me: and that which was worse,
I was circumscribed of necessary provision. Having
alwayes a bold daring Spirit, I troubled my self as
little as I might, but made my wit and industry
supply me, with what my Aunt was defective in;
neither was I the sole sufferer in this affliction, the
servants bearing a part with me, having no other
proportion at Meals, than what her niggardly hand
made dividend of, not making the meat conformable
to our stomacks, but our stomacks to the meat; having
dined, she lockt up all fast: The servants did
not half so often grumble at her, as my Guts; and
.bn 144.png
.pn +1
that she might know how dissatisfyed they were, I
went one day with an Hammer, and nailed up the
House of Office dore; she having an occasion to
make use of it, could not be admitted, but being in
great haste, was glad to apply her self to her own
Bed-chamber, which I am sure she perfumed to the
purpose. Coming down in a great rage, she enquired
into the cause of this odd project, and who
the authour should be. To be short, she was acquainted
that it was I, who being summoned to
appear before her; Huzzy, said she, was it you that
nailed up the Privy door? I was forced to plead
Guilty. And what was the reason (Mrs. Ne’re be
good) you did so? Why truly forsooth (quoth I)
you feed well and plentifully, and therefore Nature
might command and require you to give her easement;
and to that purpose you have in your Chamber
a Close-stool; but we your servants, as we eat
little or nothing, so we seldom have occasion to go
to that house, which to us is altogether useless. She
knew not whether she were best be angry, or
pleased; but dissembling her passion, said, well
Huzif, if you complain, you shall have less: the less
you eat, the cleaner will be your sheets, and so left
me. Seeing her ultimate resolution was to keep me
short of Victuals; I resolved to try some means
whereby I might feed without her knowledge. Fortune
favoured me so much, that one afternoon going
up into her Chamber, wherein stood a great Chest she
usually laid up her provision in, I saw the Key in it,
which she by forgetfulness had left behind: I presently
stept to it, and opening the Lid, found there a
Turkey Pie, which I made so bold with, that I took
as much as would have served me three dayes, if I
.bn 145.png
.pn +1
had eaten nothing else, and that continually. I got
me down the stairs with all possible speed, to prevent
discovery, and secure my Provant; I soon found a
place for that purpose, and having hid it, I began to
consider what I had done, and that my Aunt would
soon know, who it was that frighted her Turkey
away, none else but me daring to be so bold; while I
was deeply musing myself, our Cat came purring
by me, as if she had been sent by my good Angel,
to be the Sacrifice that should free me from that punishment
that would inevitably attend this Crime; so
taking her up in my arms, I ran up into the Chamber,
and having claw’d with my Nails the flesh, and
the Crust sufficiently, I committed poor Puss to answer
for what I had done. My Aunt a while after missing
her Key, went hastily to her Chamber, and seeing it
in the Chest, condemned her own carelesness, and
looking thereinto to see whether all was well, the Cat
bounc’d out into her face; the suddain surprizal
made her make a noise more discordant, than if
twenty Screetch-Owls had been in Consort. Being
alarm’d at this bellow, I was the first that got to my
Aunt, and very inquisitive I was of her to know, what
was the matter. Oh! said she a scurvy Cat, I
negligently shut in the Chest, hath almost frighted
me out of my wits, besides what other mischief
she hath done me. But when she came to see what
work supposedly the Cat had done, I was in good
hopes that my Aunt would have taken a lodging in
Bedlam.
.tb
As I laid hold on all opportunities to fill my belly,
so some I studied; as for Example, twice or thrice
a week we had a baked pudding; I bought me a
.bn 146.png
.pn +1
little dish about the bigness of a Porringer, and out
of the Pan I would fill it, a fruitful Pudding to
have always a young one at the side on’t. The Dow
which I commonly carried to the Bake-house, never
went home so much in the Loaf, for I seldom failed
to have a Cake out of it; both which I practised so
long till my Aunt found me out, and soundly bang’d
me for so doing. For these, and such like faults I
was so often and so unmercifully beaten, that I was
resolved to be reveng’d on her. One day she being
invited abroad, I was resolved to be even with her at
home in this manner, One pair of stairs she had a
stately Dining-room, wherein there was a Cup-board
on which (being spread with a very fine cloath) stood
variety of all manner of curious Glasses, such as she
valued above her Plate, and took great delight in
them, being prouder of shewing those to her guests,
than some are in appearing in a fine new Gown to
their Sweet-hearts. These I was resolved should
fall down to my revenge, and be crusht a pieces by the
weight of my indignation and fury; but before I
would begin to act this doleful Tragedy, I went, and
made all things ready; that is to say, I took a large
Spannel that we had, and leading him to the Street
dore, I ran out into the middle of the Street, calling
him after me; he followed me, and I led him a dance
so long, till he had dirtied himself sufficiently, then
going in adoors, I stole up softly the back-stairs, and
the Dog following me into the Dining-room; then
did I take his feet, and make them imprint the form
thereof on the Cloth; having so done I pull’d the
cloth, and down came the Glasses to the Floor, and by
the fall not one of them escaped; this being done, I
got into the next Room, and crept underneath the
.bn 147.png
.pn +1
Bed; the fall of the Glasses soon came to the Ears of
those that were below, who coming up, found none in
the Room, but the Dog, and seeing the print of his
claws in the Cloth, ne’re examined the matter farther,
but to work they went with him, who wanting words
to justifie his innocence, escaped the punishment by
flight; whilst they pursued him, I stept down the
stairs, without being known to have a hand in the
Plot, how my Aunt resented this sad accident, I will
give those leave to judge, that ever had the like loss.
But this story I am about to tell you, succeeded not
so well as the former; for it fell to my own scurvy
Lot, to be punished with that which might have
proved a piece of Revenge, though I intended no such
matter, and which was worse, detected me as the
author of the former. Our Maids being in the
Fields, bleaching of Clothes, my Aunt commanded
me to frie some Tripes for her Dinner, which she had
brought in from Market; I laying them upon
the Dresser, whilst I was cleaning the Frying-pan,
our aforesaid Dog swallowed up one half of them at
one mouthful, without chewing them, and had near
dispatcht the other half, before I could come to the
rescue of my Aunts Dinner; I hastily threw down
the Pan, which caused my Aunt to come running in,
to see what was the matter; she seeing me busily
and eagerly imployed about the Dog, stept back in a
place covered from my sight, where she might both hear
and see. I basted him so long, holding him fast, that
he disgorged one parcel of the Tripes, which I taking
up laid them on the Dresser; come, said I, basting him
the while, this is not all you Thief; I must have more
yet; the Dog, as if he had understood me, discharged
himself of the Theft, and I verily believe, did
.bn 148.png
.pn +1
not detain one single mouthful behind: so much for
his honesty. So, so, said I, ’tis well, get you gone
you Rogue, as long as you did as I did bid you,
break my Aunts cup-board of Glasses, I made
much of you, but when you turn thief, and steal,
you must be beaten into better manners.
My Aunt all this while was exercising her patience
even to a miracle, and would not speak a word,
because she would see what I intended farther. Hereupon
I took my Tripes, and giving them a rench or
two in a pail of water, I dryed them, flowred them,
and into the Pan they went, and fell a frying them,
with as much confidence as if they had had no mischance
befaln them. Being fryed with my sawce,
and all other things ready, I was going in haste to
call my Aunt to Dinner, as she met me, and seeming
to take no notice, seats her self at the Table, and
turning one piece then another, then a third, she
takes the Dish, and twirls it round, saying, they
were not fryed to her mind, and that I did this
on purpose, that I might have them all my self,
and so you shall, said she and that I may be sure
you do not slight good victuals (being too much
Corn-fed) I will give you leave to sit down by
me for once.
I knew not what to say, which way to look, nor
what to think, but perceived by my Aunts eyes,
which were all of a flame, that she had discovered
something that had highly offended her; I would
have spoken something but she interrupted me, saying
familiarly, leave off talking and eat your meat:
I being somewhat backward, and she taking notice
thereof; how now Mrs. Minks, (said she) is not
that good enough for you, which is too good for
me? Huzif, I will have none of your Dogs-leavings,
.bn 149.png
.pn +1
and since you would not let him eat it, you
shall eat it for him your self; and then I shall
talk a little further with you; Seeing there was no
help, I did eate of the Tripe, at every other bit, much
good may do you, quoth she, eat heartily, and spare
not. I chewed it like him that was gnawing a piece
of his own Boots; but down it must go. When she
thought I had eaten enough for that time, she fell
upon me in that manner, that I had much ado to
keep that I had within me, which I was resolved to
do, lest she should make me fry it again to my Supper.
Having tired her self with beating me, she told
me that this was not for the breaking of her Glasses,
she had another of another nature for that, since she
knew it was not a Dog, but a Bitch-Fox, that had
done her all that mischief. Whereupon she drove me
up stairs before her, and lockt me into a Room, till
she had breath to talk further with me.
I was ready to die with fear to think what she
intended to do with me; at nights approach she came
to me with one of her Maids, and having lockt the
dore to them, they unstript me, and naked as ever I
was born, they tyed my hands to the Bed-post, and
lasht me with , till she had made me all
over of a gore blood. Her Son hearing by the Maid
how cruelly I was delt withal, adding further, that
he wondred how his Mother could be so hard hearted,
as to tear my skin. Natural affection enforced him
to pity me, and that pity began to increase that affection,
which he hath had more than these two
years for me; so that, as he confest to me afterwards
there was no greater trouble to him, then that he
could not condole with me in my affliction. Having
been confined two or three days to my Chamber, my
Aunt was persuaded to make further tryal of me,
.bn 150.png
.pn +1
and if I proved not then answerable to her expectation,
she would for ever discard me. Upon these
terms I was released, and found my Couzen overjoyed
that I was enlarged. He was somewhat younger
than my self, about fifteen years old, of an inclination
very prone to love what was youthful or
beautiful; and finding me very flexible to entertain
his amorous propositions, followed me so close, that he
obtained what he desired.
‘Thus we continued some time together, and
knowing how covetous his Mother was, and
not allowing him hardly any thing to spend, I
studyed how I might assist him in his expence
abroad: I was one day in the Shop, and looking
into the Counter for something, I found a
board at the end of the Till, loose, which taking
up, I could easily put in my hand, and take out
what Money I pleased; having now taken out
the Board, I knew not what to do; for I fastned
it but very slenderly, neither could I do
otherwise, having no time to do what I would.
Wherefore in the morning early, before my
Aunt was up, I got into the Shop, and with a
small Perser I boared a couple of holes quite
through the end, and two sides of the Box, and
so with Wire I fastned it, to my hearts content,
but not so but I could loosen it again at my
pleasure. My heart leapt to think, how this
project taking effect, neither I, nor my friend
could want Money at any time. Could I have
concealed this to my self I would have done it,
and so supplyed (as I thought convenient) my
Couzen with Money, the more to engage his
affection to me. But I was forc’t to tell him
thereof, (whom I knew as forward in any sort
of wickedness as any body) because he was
.bn 151.png
.pn +1
continually in the Shop. Having given him an
account of my projection, I thought he would
have been transported with joy, and was restless,
till he had made an experiment; which
having done, and finding my contrivance, an
inexhaustible Mine to him, I thought he did intend
to lock me in his arms everlastingly.
Now did our freedom daily increase, and nothing
obstructed them but want of liberty to
enjoy them. But, as what is violent, is seldom
permanent; so must our delights have an end,
and so much the sooner, by how much they exceed
in measure. Being not satisfied with stealing
a kiss, or so forth in the day time, We
pitcht upon a Night, when he should run the
hazard of coming into his Mothers Chamber
where I lay in a Trundle-bed under her; and
be with me all night: He watcht his opportunity,
staying up late, and I in pursuance of the
design, had left the chamber door open, and so
our desires were accomplisht. But now (a mischief
on’t) we were so shackled in the fetters of
a lasting sleep, that notwithstanding my Aunt
bawl’d to me I know not how many times, it
being late in the morning to rise and look after
her business, yet I made no answer; at last
started out of the Bed, and stepping to mine, to
see if I were not dead, found her Son inclosed
in my Arms both fast asleep. But she awakened
us so hastily out of our sleeps, that we
lookt like a couple of Bedlamites, and so confounded
with shame, that we had not a word
to say. To be short, she first resolv’d to
turn me out of doors, not caring whether
I went with or without Cloaths; but then
considering she should disparage her Son, by
.bn 152.png
.pn +1
shaming of me; concluded to send for the
Master of the Vessel we now are in, and after
some discourse I was commanded to go with
him, glad I was to go any where to be out of
her reach; her Son, hearing of my sad sentence,
would have followed me, but was interrupted;
however yesterday, attempting by the way I
had found out to supply me with Money, he
was catcht in the act by his Mother, and
sent immediately to Prison, where I understand
he is like to lie till we set
I was so attentive in the hearing what she related
befell her, that I did eat her words as they
fell from her. To retaliate her kindness, I gave
an account of what I had lately run through, at
least wise, as much as I thought convenient; and
by this time the Seamen began to take notice of
our private conference, and by our familiarity
they had seen, gave their judgments openly, that
they thought there would be a Westminster wedding
between us, before we should arrive at our
intended Port. Hereupon we broke up School,
and descended straight between Decks, there we
found our Comerades tongues all imployed like
a Dover-Court; I for my part was resolved to be
silent, that I might the better gather from them
what they were, and what lewd things they had
acted upon the Stage of this world.
But how often did I be-Ass my Rogueship,
calling my self ten thousand Fools for having so
good an opinion of my Rogueries, (thinking them
no other than the very quintessence of wit) when
I heard them discourse of what they had done,
which they all did with more freedom, than a
dying man would confess his Sins to his Ghostly
Father. And so they might very well do; for
.bn 153.png
.pn +1
being past all shame (perit cui pudor periit) and
the Law having past sentence on them, they could
not suffer again for the same, without a recommission.
The Wind coming about fair, and we all ready,
command was given to weigh the Ankor; just as
it was a Peek, and our Fore-top-sail loose, and
seeing then that there was no help but that I
must go, I fully purposed to have leapt overboard
(so attractive is our native Soil) had not
the consideration of my Estate aboard, with that of
my Mis, which I must leave behind, pulled me back.
Whilst I was thus ruminating with myself, we
had spread all our Canvas, the wind blowing fresh,
we spoon’d away before it like an arrow out of a
bow. Coming into the Ocean, I found my self
possest with a new Spirit, and if there was ever
any such thing as transmigration of Souls, certainly
it was at that time, some new drown’d Sea-mans
Soul hovering on the Deep, took up its
habitation in my body, entring in at my mouth
as I gap’d for breath, which the swiftness of the
Ships sailing, and tossing of the Waves together,
had almost totally deprived me of. I was so
nimble and so active, that if I saw any halling
Sheets aft, or hoising of Sail, would be sure to be
with him; which our Master taking special notice
of, encouraged me therein, so far that venturing
first into the tops, I afterwards upon it
grew so bold, that when occasion required, I often
helpt to furl a Sail, but being not my Crafts-Master,
being more bold than skilful, one day I was
in the Main-top, and getting astride the Yard-arm,
(to make my self the better acquainted with it)
I dropt off into the Sea, and had we not been
.bn 154.png
.pn +1
becalmed, I had been drowned irrecoverably.
Throwing me out a Rope, I got aboard, no more
concerned with the danger I escaped from, than
if I had been that while asleep in a Cabbin. My
Master lookt on this accident as a certain Omen
of my being a Sea-man, and thereupon made me
his Cabbin-boy promising me when I had served
him a time according to custom, he would advance
me according to my deligence and fidelity,
as for my ingenuity he questioned not.
We had not been above a Month at Sea, but
by imploying all the leasure time I had among
my Comrades, I had gained so intimate acquaintance,
and so perfect a knowledge of them, that
I shall endeavour to give you a Character of them;
there was nineteen of them in all, besides my
Mistress, whose late Adventures I have given you
an account of; and therefore shall pass her by and
only tell you what the rest were, but first, what
their Professions are.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XI.
.pm start_summary
An account and Character of such who went with
me in our Voyage to a Plantation, viz.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
One Broken Tradesman, 2 Jilts, 1 Pretended
poor Captain. 1 Counterfeit Libertine Minister.
1 Soldier of Fortune. 1 New Exchange Girl,
2 Button-makers. 1 Orange-Wench. 3 Crackt
Maid-servants. 1 Stockin-Mender. 4 Common
Prostitutes. One whereof was a large Folio, two of
them in Octavo, and one in decimo sexto, all loose in
Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at London.
I might otherwise name the first a Ship of the first
.bn 155.png
.pn +1
Rate, an unwieldy bulky thing, which would require
more men than a Kingdom can well spare
to Man her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt
every hour to keep her above water. The other
next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent
Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their
Hulks, that they were unfit for any thing but Fire
ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but damag’d
much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent
Pikeroon still, having been from her Cradle
taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to begin
first with my
.ce
Broken Tradesman.
His Father lived in Excester in very good fashion,
being one of the principal of the City; and though
he had a very good Trade of his own, yet he thought
it very incompleat to that of London, and thither
must his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his
Master was provided him; but he had not been
with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found
that he was half undone by this sweet tootht
Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest to me that
his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts
of Sweat Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon
Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or what ever Confections,
as were dryed; and his reason was for so
doing, lest being sent on an errand he should lose
any time in the indulging his Palate: he did not
so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with
some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he
might dream of the rest. His Master concluding
that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him
much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up
removed him from thence, and placed him with a
Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that are
.bn 156.png
.pn +1
sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman
could not make so much haste to go out
of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven
days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five
hours perfectly sober. It was well he made so much
haste to show his Inclination that he might not
put his aged Father to the expence and trouble
of another journey. His Father seeing he could
devour trade so fast, and lest some such should
swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one
he could not eat, (yet one, too many have worn
Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed diligent
enough till his Father was gone out of Town,
and then wanting what the Indulgence of a Father
continually bestowed upon him, he one morning
early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted
him, and taking along a very good Bruxels Chamblet
Cloak (which he sold) away he marcht into
the Countrey, committing many petit larcenies by
the way, resolving (if it should fall to his chance)
to die as near his friends as he could. At Huntington
he was apprehended for stealing a Silver
Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he
had in the Town, the business was husht up, and
he sent home. His Father admired to see his
Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason
thereof, who craftily replyed, he could not live so
far from his Parents. Though the old man was
troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations,
yet he could not but shew himself a Dotard in
acknowledging his Sons natural affection therein.
At last it was concluded on, that he should follow
his Fathers Trade of Mercery, which my young
man did, till his Fathers death, which was about
two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave
.bn 157.png
.pn +1
to those Parents to consider, who have brought their
Children to shameful ends, and thereby have blemisht
the spotless Reputation of their Ancient
Families, by not endeavouring to hinder the excursions
of such debaucheries, as proceed from
their known vicious constitutions. His Father
leaving him his House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d
himself, and spent so largely, as in the excess
neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant
Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He
had not hours enough in eight days to visit his Mistresses
in a whole week, although he should address
himself to one every hour of the day. His
Love was so general, that he would have enjoy’d
them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires
to give himself that satisfaction, he is most
prone unto, he was forc’d to elect one; it was
strange he could not choose one honest Woman out
of so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving
more inclinable to Venery, then he to any other
Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or none,
so none at all could reach her full satisfaction.
The Marriage was but just consummated, and
they hardly warm in each others embraces, when
he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding
her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they
would have no Overseers in their house, nor such
who should continually disturb their quiet with
the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The
Candle is now lighted at both ends, if he spent
liberally with friends abroad, she had those at
home to spend with and upon; and that she might
not come short of him; if she had heard he spent
a Crown, she would double it in her expence. For
one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do,
.bn 158.png
.pn +1
but to make them new Garments; and when they
and their Friends were together in a Tavern, all
the Drawers in the house were little enough to
tend them; so inconsiderately generous, that a
Poetaster who could never arrive at the hight of a
Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical
Epithalamium, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase
immediately, and cloath’d him so, that he lookt
rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet, bestowing
over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness
he might the more freely trumpet out his bounty.
By these courses his Shop was altogether neglected,
and few Commodities vended, but what
his Wifes Paramours took upon an everlasting
credit. Growing now weary of Excester, and such
vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to
call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of
Money (having converted a round sum of Silver
into Gold), away he rode for London; where being
come, he omitted not any time which he
might imploy either in places of pleasure or pastime.
And being tired here too with the variety
of his delights; and finding withal not above
twenty pieces left, he mounts his Horse with an
intention homewards but by the way, having
some business, (as a Wench to see or so) at Malborough
on the Downs, he was met with, and
robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he
made a shift to get to the Town. He had behaved
himself so loudly ill, that the report came thither,
and those that would in his Fathers life time have
trusted him with 500l. would not now trust him
with so many farthings; so that he was forc’d to sell
his Horse, and go home on foot.
His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in
.bn 159.png
.pn +1
her expences, rioting in that shameful manner,
that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those
deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her,
made her resolve to lay hold on the opportunity
of her Husbands absence and secure what she
could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town;
to that intent she consulted with her chiefest favourite,
(and by the way take notice there is no
Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one
whom she loves above all others, that shall take
the freedom to beat her, abuse her, strip her sometimes
when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and
will infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends
to keep her Flesh and Bones from being
under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting
him, he advised by all means to take some speedy
course for her self-preservation, it is an instinct
infused into the natures of irrationals; and therefore
certainly man cannot be without. He needed
not use any arguments to perswade her to
that she was already resolved to put in execution;
and therefore she only desired him to know how she
should secure the Goods in the Shop. Let that
alone to me, said he, I will take that charge upon me;
and that he might charm her into a consent, they
talkt that in private, which the colour of their
Faces publickly discovered.
The night appointed being come, for the perfecting
what they had propounded, the Gallant
was ready punctually at his hour with three or
four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed
all the choice Goods or any that were
worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having
so done, he advised her to secure what Money
and Plate there was in the House; this was done
.bn 160.png
.pn +1
so silently, that the Servants of the House were not
awakened by any noise they made; there was not
so much Money and Plate but it was portable
enough between them; having thus contributed to
the robbing herself, away she trudges with her
friend to another place, than where he had sent the
Goods; and having provided an Horse before for
that purpose, in the morning early away they
rode to Plimouth, about thirty miles distant,
where having lodg’d her, and promising to return
speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with
him, and was never by her heard of after.
Her Husband coming home, and finding all
things in this condition, was about to hang himself,
(and so he might, for few loved him so well
as to hinder him from it, especially now seeing
there was no more good to be done with him)
but comforting himself, that his House was still
left standing, he grieved very little; for he was so
little acquainted hitherto with grief, that he knew
not what it was. He had not rested in it above
one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d,
and it was not two hours after before he was arrested,
and so forced to part with above three
parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to
discharge the Debts he owed in that City. It
was not long after that all was gone, and in
that juncture of time, his Wife returned with
hardly a rag to cover that nakedness, she had
so often lasciviously exposed to view. What became
of her afterwards, I know not; but he to
shun the daily flouts and insupportable slightings
of his Relations and Quondam Friends, footed it
for Barnstable, and rather than through despair
destroy himself at home, he would try his fortunes
.bn 161.png
.pn +1
by labouring in another Countrey. The next
Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of
.ce
Jilts.
Fellows that must run through a many other faculties
of an inferiour Class, before they can attain
to the true knowledge of this profound
Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence
Master of Arts; which Arts are divided
into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing,
Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting,
Rhum-Napping, Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping,
Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the
Naskin, with many more of the quality.
Such were these two Jilts, who had they
staid longer in London, instead of taking shipping
here, they would have taken Shippen at
Newgate, and Sailed up Holbourn, and passing
by the dangerous Rocks of St. Giles’s would
irrecoverably have been cast away at Tiburn.
I did not find by their discourse any great matter
of ingenuity, having not wit enough to practice
any thing of their own designing; they were
old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in
the same old Paths their Predecessors had trod in
before, without making any new discovery. And
therefore I shall give you an account only, that not
daring to longer in London, they were constrained
to betake themselves to the Countrey.
The week before the Sizes they came to Excester,
setting up their Horses at an Inn, they presently
(not to lose time) walkt to see the City, and
under that pretence to try what advantages they
.bn 162.png
.pn +1
could make therein, went into several Taverns,
and where they could not get civily into company
they thought they might bubble, they rudely
intruded, and had like to have been soundly basted
for their pains; they found that Gaming would
not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore
the next day they resolved to experience what
Jilting would do; and that they might carry on
their design with the less suspition, they bespoke
a Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting
the man of the House and his Wife to eat
with them, they called freely for Wine, and drank
pretty smartly; at length they were left alone,
one of them steps up the stairs, and gets into the
Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a large
Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock,
(which they have of all sorts and sises from a
Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a fumbling
about his business, the Vintner came up to
his Comrade the mean time, and asking where
his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up
to the House of Office; Nay, that cannot be, replyed
he, for it is below in the Yard and thereupon
(his heart mis-giving him) he ran up hastily the
stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below
at the stair-head ready to go down, and the
other that was above coming out of his Chamber,
not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out,
stop the Thief that is coming down, and in the
mean time clos’d in with him that was above and
struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred
Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his
Arm, which made the Vintner then more eager to
secure him: in short, they were both secured and
carried before a Justice; there needed no other
.bn 163.png
.pn +1
evidence to convict them, than a great bunch of
those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this they
were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously
before escaped buzzing in the fist) both
sentenced to be Transported.
Now give me leave to give you an account (if
it be possible) of one that is every thing, yet nothing.
By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a
Soldier too, and such an one is this
.ce
Pretended (poor) Captain.
His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued
Line to him, have been well known to be
remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not,
but that they may draw their Original from King
Fergus, or some other great Irish Prince; for to
this day the meaner sort of the Natives of Ireland
had rather see their Children beg, than be
mechanically imployed, by following some honest
Trade, or Occupation. And that is the reason
that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle
and meaner sort of them, learning to cringe
when they are young, that they may beg, with
the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father
by an unhappy, or happy accident, when
he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht
his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn
it had been a young scorcht Devils-head half
roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others
would call a disadvantage) when he came to be
of years, removing where he was not known,
he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending
that disaster came by powder, as he
was couragiously fighting in the famous Battel of
.bn 164.png
.pn +1
Lepanto; and which to confirm the belief, he had
lost a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended
he lost by a Cannon shot, at the same time.
By which means he had got sufficiently to have
maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had
had the Grace to have rightly used it; but he
coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his
Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and
as many cold benumming Winters, scorning to degenerate
from the Ancient practice of his Predecessors;
and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans
old suit of Apparel, with his Red Cap, and
had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he might have
served a whole City for a general Antidote in a
Contagion. He begg’d up and down the Countrey,
(pretending to go home,) under the notion of being
cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired
the Charity of well minded People, that it might
be a means to carry him to his friends and acquaintance.
He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art,
and applyed them very well in all his wonderful
relations. Coming to his Quarters at night, after
two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in general
complain of his hard fortune, giving some small
hints of what considerable sums he lost this last
Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected himself for so
doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say,
well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble
at the hand of Providence. We must submit to Dispensations.
These sad Notes coming from his Religious
Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears
of his Landlady, that she tuned them so among
the Neighbourhood, that the room wherein he
was, fill’d presently.
He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful
.bn 165.png
.pn +1
story, and would Limn the horrour of Ship-wrack
so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him
dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after
this fell a showre of two pences, single pence, half
pence, &c. By this subtlety he never wanted Mony,
Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And
by the help of a good Memory as I am informed
he travailed in and about England, begging in
this manner, nine years, and never came in to a
Town twice.
.tb
Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding
Seaman, (that never saw the Ocean, and therefore
could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against
a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another
Spirit, whose Soul had neither communication
with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers;
for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan
of a wealthy Merchant, whose Estate was embezel’d
by the avarice of his Guardian, and since
lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his
Son, since dead. That now having neither Parents
nor Friends left living, he was exposed to this
miserable way of craving the benevolence of the
charitable. He made a shift to live after this manner
till he was fifteen years of Age; but the
People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned
if he would not work, to send him to Bridewel;
that word so startled him, that he was absolutely
frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing
at that instant the Drums beat for Voluntiers in
some forreign expedition, he listed himself, and
instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins,
Hat, and Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else
was requisite for a Soldier. And now he shewed
clearly what blood he had in him, and that his
.bn 166.png
.pn +1
Mother had the greatest share in his Generation.
For when she was in her Ale, (as she often would
be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing
more, then that her Husband was a Soldier at
Tilbury Camp, and that losing his Thumb by
firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a
Pension of a maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d
after-wards, it was no disgrace, being so miserably
disenabled from working.
.tb
This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred
beyond his own or any bodies expectation
else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his
strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place
of the City unvisited, that he might shew his Gallantry,
especially such places he before had begg’d
in. You could not have affronted him worse, than
to call him by what name his Mother gave him,
(for I question, whether he was christian’d) and
would be as ready to draw to vindicate his
Honour. But the Wind serving fair, and all
things ready, setting sail, they arrived in safety at
their Port. What service he did in that expedition,
I could not gather from him, (undoubtedly
it was his modesty that hindred him, rather desiring
to have some other Mouth to proclaim his
worth than his own) but this he confest, that his
often hiding himself when any Party was commanded
to march out of the Garrison, occasioned
his Officers to tie him so often Neck and Heels,
that he thought he should go double as long as
he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly
sensless by often riding the wooden Horse. However,
he was constrained to tarry here six years;
but at length he grew so tired with watching
once in four dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers
.bn 167.png
.pn +1
the frequent Alarms acquainted his ears with,
once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather
to venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers,
than run the hazard of being shot by his enemies;
and so watching his opportunity, got into a Vessel
bound for England, and came away, not affording
those he left behind, so much as a farewel;
but being far enough off the Shore, cryed out
aloud, Harm watch, Harm catch. Landing at
Plimouth, he bought him an ordinary red Scarf,
and made it into a Sling to carry his hand in,
which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in
an Hospital a week, sowing it to his Shoulder,
and tying a large bow knot on it; with a Sword
by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased
at second hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the
impudence to address himself to the Governour of
the Town, in this, or the like manner.
.sp 1
Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted
with you, Great Sir, in whose Person dwells (as I
hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain English
Heroes, by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown
to the African part of the Macrocosme, where my
single Sword hath eaten its way through thousands,
and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit,
with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My
forward valour soon rewarded my unknown Worth,
and for no other reason, than I thought fit to command
the Destinies, having so great a power over
Life and Death, I was made a Captain. At
first, the great care I had to preserve my own,
made me expose my self as their Target, to guard
them from their enemies Arrows, so that in
.bn 168.png
.pn +1
one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand
men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred
of them escap’d with life to inform their friends
of their Countreys loss,) I say, in that barbarous
conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows,
as a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name
served to fright the Rogues, without fighting a
stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey,
possest me with so great a desire of seeing that
blessed Soil, that gave me breath, I resolved to acquit
my Command, and happy in this opportunity
of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of
a Soul so magnanimous as your self.
.sp 1
Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical
Speech, the Governor was at a stand,
what to do with this mighty Garagantua, having
almost disenabled his tongue from speaking, by
biting it e’ne through, to contein himself from
laughing out right; but considering with himself,
promised him at last, that he would Muster him
in his own Company for the present, till he could
find out something more suitable to his worth and
quality, and for the present gave him some Money,
which our Captain, getting drunk with all
that night in the Company of some Officers into
which he had intruded himself, and taking the
liberty of undervaluing some of them in his prodigious
cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his
lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War,
that our Captain had not trailed a Pike above a
Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two
Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter,
and sold them at another Ale-house in
the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and
.bn 169.png
.pn +1
coming home to his Quarters, his Landlady
taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado,
but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius
terms that a Whore could invent, that had served
three seven years Apprentiships to a Billingsgate
Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and
in that manner, that she was forc’d to cry out
Murder. Neighbours coming in, seiz’d my valiant
Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried
him before the Governour, who on seeing
him in that drunken condition, sent him to the
Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round
as a Ball. The next Morning he was tryed by a
Council of War, and finding him a Counterfeit,
and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of
Debauchery and Villany, condemned him to run
the Gauntlet, which he did on the Hoe of Plimouth,
through his own Company, and another
drawn up thither for that purpose; and afterward
at the old Town-gate, had his Sword broken
over his head, and so cashier’d.
This usuage was enough to make any one hate
to be a Soldier as it did him, for he resolv’d to
settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the
name of Captain, and getting far enough off from
his disgracing place; he so shaped his design,
that he questioned not but that this Title would
be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how
it would prove, he applyed himself to a Gentlemans
house, (at that time when Loyalty to our
Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against
the Common-wealth) and understanding by inquiry
the name of the Person, and that he was a
strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a
great lover of all such, and knock’d at the door,
.bn 170.png
.pn +1
and ask’d to speak with the master of the House,
naming him, he being informed therewith readily
came, and my Captain was as ready himself
thus, in a low voice, to address
.sp 2
Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and
such as have suffered for his Sacred Majesties sake.
My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty he could not
better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at
Edge-hill; to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that
I had the same blood running in my Veins, I have not
only ventured my Youth upon any hazard, the boldest
Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had my
Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name.
.sp 2
This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced
him forty shillings, with directions to go
to another Gentleman of the like Principles,
about ten miles distance; where addressing himself
in the same or like terms, the pretence took
effect there too. Now did he buy himself a
Sword, and getting a white Cap on his Head,
pretended himself sick too, as well as maimed;
by which means he pickt up a great deal of money;
the Rogue was grown so Covetous, and
was resolved not to lose his labour where ever
he came; if he had not any money given him, he
would infallibly steal something in lieu thereof.
Coming at length to the house of a person of
Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done
else-where, the Knight after he had given him
money, commanded some of his Servants to
carry him into the Buttery; they knowing by
the respects their Master shewed him, he must
be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and
by degrees to each of the Royal Progeny, not
.bn 171.png
.pn +1
leaving out some of the Nobility, that had been
most eminently serviceable to the King, and
by that time there was none (not exempting
the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking
the advantage of their disordered senses, was
not contented with a Bowl, but pickt up a silver
Salt too, which one more sober than the rest
observing, let him go out of the Gate before he
apprehended him; and seeing that he was resolved
to march off with them, seized him, and
drew him back again into the Court-yard, where
demanding from him what he had stoln, the
Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations,
which gathered the Servants about
him, who searching him found the theft, who if
their Master had not interposed, they would have
knockt this Imposter in the head. He knew
that the Law would punish him sufficiently,
and being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk
to write his Mittimus, and so was sent to Exeter-Gaol,
where he continued till Sizes, and then
received the same Sentence, that had past upon
the Jilts before.
Now since I have described one counterfeit
that abused and robb’d the Countrey, under the
pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize
another counterfeit (the worst of the two)
who under the Cloak of Religion hid his debaucheries,
whilst he deceived and deluded the ignorant,
especially the Female Sex, with his lowd,
long, and impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine,
and that was the
.ce
Counterfeit Libertine Minister.
It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a
.bn 172.png
.pn +1
staggering age, for the fall of Adam, broke the bones
of his Children, and crippled his posterity, so that
we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in
our Practises. At first he was made perfect,
which was intimated by being brought into the
world naked, to signifie that the great Former of
all things was not ashamed of his Workmanship;
but when the Devil sent erroneous Tenents, attended
with damned Practices into the world, he
advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to
cover their deformity, with the Mouth of tenderness
of Conscience; but were their skins are as
tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as
hard as their Hearts, they would be both Ax and
Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block, and
defie the Gallows.
This religious Proteus, this Heteroclite in Divinity,
(for he was deficient in what he ought to
do, or believe, and redundant in what he ought
not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing
like a Pulpit, he was, (as he acknowledged) like
Æsop’s Jay, in a dress of borrowed Feathers,
preaching the Works of other men, which
must needs be the worse for coming out of his
defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted Body.
He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously,
than an Executioner a Traytors Body; not
forbearing to give old Priscian a knock on the
bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted
in railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy
the Sister of the Whore of Babylon, running on
in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and
open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy
in general, and biting his Brethren the Sectaries,
whom he would have his Auditory believe are as
.bn 173.png
.pn +1
mad as himself; but having run himself out of
Breath, what a humming, and a spitting there was,
and by the blowing his Nose, made many a filthy
Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon,
he Prayed, shutting his eyes, and would rather
utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any studied
Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely
out of the Meeting-house with his Sword
by his side (a Captain and an Independent) and
though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or
wore his Livery, yet would be accounted one of his
Menial Servants. Being got out, one would thank
him for the great pains he took; another invited him
to Dinner; a third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all
alone till the tenth made his proffer: at last, where
he thought he should have the best entertainment,
there he would express the acceptance of the proffer.
He could not go amiss for his Supper; and to
retaliate their kindness, before the Cloth was laid,
he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of an
hour and half, most commonly proportioning the
time to that of Supper-dressing. Certainly his design
therein was like the Scribes and Pharisees,
who had never been condemned for long Prayers,
had they not been used as so many Graces before
their cursed Meals of Orphans Estates, and Widows
Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good
among the Females, knowing how prevalently
powerful they are commonly over their Husbands
Inclinations, which he practised with so much
craft and cunning; first possessing them strongly
with a good esteem of his Holy Life and Conversation,
that they verily believed one word of
his would either Saint them or Reprobate them,
when he pleased; which he perceiving, resolved
.bn 174.png
.pn +1
to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes
to none, but such as crost his hand with a
piece of Silver; that is to say, in private Meetings
and Conferences, having occasion to speak of such,
and such, it lay in his power then to say that such
a one to his knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant
hearer of the word, having an excellent gift
in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is
started aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity,
&c. So that you see by Him, as well as by the
Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.
But imagining this Faction was not so powerful,
nor encouraging as the Anabaptists; and
the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes and expectations
of preferment began to wither; he in downright
terms fell about telling his Congregation, they
must be Re-baptized, or they must not hope for Salvation.
He was amongst the Anabaptists so long, till
(notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his
powerful teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters
with Child in less than a year, and it was shrudely
suspected that he had made four of his Brethren
Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the
whole Congregation excommunicated, and delivered
unto Satan. His hand being now in, he was resolved
to try all, till he might advance himself by
one. So that he might not be beholding to any.
In this juncture the good old Religion so long
raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly
countenance again, whose glorious light these
Owls and Batts durst not look upon.
It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to
wear yellow Ruffs; but after one Mrs. Turner, a
notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one
of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht,
.bn 175.png
.pn +1
but became shamefully ridiculous; So
this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his Brethren
(who had poysoned more with their Doctrines,
than Mrs. Turner with her Potions) go to the
Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian,
thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan,
and become an A la mode Episcopalian, than let
the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him, as
he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who
lately sat in the Saddle, tossing others till their
necks were broken, and crippling others both in
their Estates and Opinions.
.pm start_poem
Down with all such, let them no longer stand,
Base Caterpillars that consum’d the Land,
Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves,
And made the house of God a den of Theeves,
And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free,
From such Quack-salvers in Divinity.
.pm end_poem
Every one knowing how great a Changling this
fellow was in Religion, no body believed a word
that he said; nor would either trust or imploy
him upon any account whatsoever; so that he was
necessitated to take this course, or do worse, by
adding one more to the number of Barbadoes Inhabitants;
neither did he want a Volunteer
abroad, upon the same design, a lusty young
sprightly fellow, a Man both of wit and courage,
though of slender Fortunes, and calls himself,
.bn 176.png
.pn +1
.ce
A Souldier of Fortune.
He was well born, and gentilely educated, who
lived in a pamper’d condition till the age of seventeen;
at which time his Father dying, the Estate
fell to the Elder Brother, who mounting into his
Fathers (yet warm) seat, could not conceal his
Turkish cruel disposition against his Brethren;
yet though the Law held his hands from cutting
off their Heads, his austere countenance, and
severe carriage towards them, did notwithstanding
cut off their hopes from ever expecting more
than barely what their Father left them in Money.
Two hundred Pounds was this Gentlemans Portion,
who returning it to London, soon followed after,
where equipping himself suitable to the Grandeur
of the Place, and Gallantry of the Persons he came
acquainted with; he spent his time in things so
agreeable to his constitution, that his thoughts
never climb’d any other Heaven, than this his
imaginary one, which he wisht might ever continue.
He scattered his Money apace, and how
could he otherwise; for his Exchange was a Tavern,
his Lodging a Brothel; his Hide-park, a
Gaming Ordinary, his Study, a Play-house; his
Associates, Bully Ruffins; his Mistresses, Courtezana’s;
had his constant attendants, Pimps, Parasites,
Spongers, Wheedlers, and such like. The
Devil’s in them all, if one was not enough to impoverish
a Mint, or drain a Silver-mine, though it
reacht to the Centre of the Earth.
.tb
By this you may imagine his two hundred Pounds
could not last long; his Hangers on perceiving his
Money was at the last gasp, fell off, being loath
to see so dear a friend depart. He was now left
.bn 177.png
.pn +1
Moneyless, and Friendless, and, what came nearest
his heart, he was jeared, and flouted by such
he had formerly liberally expended on. As he
past the streets, he hath heard his old Comrades
say one to the other: There goes such a one, shall
we call him, and drink a Glass of Wine together?
No, no, let him go, pox on him: he hath not a Penny
in his Pocket to bless himself withall; he had Money
once, but like a Fool, he could not keep it;
which made him often repeat this true saying of
the Poet;
.pm start_poem
Non habet infœlix paupertas durius in se
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit——
.pm end_poem
Were it not for that, Poverty is a property we
might pride in; nor would the Philosopher voluntarily
have Shipwrakt his Fortunes, but that he
might purchase thereby that glorious Motto;
Omnia mea mecum porto. Dioclesian so great an
Emperor, that Lætus parallels him with Jupiter;
nay, he allow’d himself to be call’d Lord, and God,
and would be sued unto, as a God; but having
at last tryed sufficiently the vanity of his own
vain-glory, he freely without compulsion, laid
aside his Empire, and returned to a private life;
being sollicited afterwards by several to resume
his former Power, and Glory, he absolutely refus’d
it, saying, Did you see the Herbs set with my
own hands in my Garden at Salona, you would
think me too good a Gardner, to become a miserable
Emperour.
.tb
There was nothing grated on his Spirit more
than to be slighted in this his low condition, by
.bn 178.png
.pn +1
such as he had supported from sinking into the
Earth: and that he might not longer be afflicted
in this manner, he projected several wayes, how
might imploy himself in something, that might
remove him from the scorn and reproach of the
world. His credit was quite worn out, owing
something in all the Taverns and Ale-houses that
he was acquainted withal, through the whole City,
and would have ran farther in their Debt, but that
they not only hindred him from so doing, but
likewise threatned him, by taking a course for what
he owed already. This made him remove his
Quarters to another remote quarter of the City.
His Cloaths were so good as that they gained him
credit for a Months Lodging and Dyet, in which
time, he wrote several Ballads, which he sold in
the Old Bailey, getting for the worst half a Crown
or three shillings; but his Chapmen finding themselves
losers by his works, did so revile and vilifie
him the next time they saw him, that he was resolved
to write no more, for it seems he had not
writ Non-sense enough to please the Commonalty;
he had taken too much pains to express his
wit, and that spoiled all; soaring so high, the
dim sighted vulgar could not discern him.
.tb
One day walking abroad Melancholy to think
his first design was frustrated, he fell accidentally
into the company of four or five, so unsuitably
or antickly habited, that he verily thought
they could not have cloathed themselves more out
of fashion, than if for so doing, they had consulted
all the Brokers in Long-lane, or Houns-ditch.
At length by their toning of several scraps of Plays,
.bn 179.png
.pn +1
and the whining out of Lovers parts, he judged
them to be Players of the worst Edition, and that
wanting some to compleat their number, they endeavoured
to perswade him to make one of their
Stroling Company.
They needed not many words to perswade one,
that knew not what to do with himself; wherefore,
he readily consented to their propositions. Viewing
them well, and their Habits, he absolutely concluded,
that their Company had been lately broken,
and that they had shared house-hold-stuff,
every one taking what he could lay his hands on
of the Properties, (though very improper to wear
publickly) with which, necessity since hath forc’d
them to cover their own nakedness. However, he
was resolv’d to go through, with what he promised,
and so calling for what was to pay, being one
and twenty pence among them all, they made a
hard shift to pay the shot within three half-pence,
and so marcht off. They provided him a lodging,
where they all lay that night, and the next
morning, their undertaker came, who summoning
them all into a large Room, there appeared
also three or four Women, who with the rest
rehearsed their parts in Actæon and Diana. After
rehersal the undertaker being informed what
our Soldier of Fortune was, came and saluted
him kindly, and welcom’d him into their Society,
and giving him his part to study, carried
him to the Tavern, with some of the three-quarter-sharers,
and made him drunk at his initiation.
.tb
Having studied Actæon and Diana, Jack Swabber,
Simkin in the Chest, Miles the Miller, Simpleton
the Smith, with divers other drolling farces, away
.bn 180.png
.pn +1
they strolled into the Countrey, some in a
Coach (by reason of the Properties they carried
with them,) others on Foot of the meaner sort,
and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent
met them, it would have puzzled him to
have told what they were. The first thing they
did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint
the Mayor thereof with their intent, producing
their Patent which authoriz’d them. Having the
grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were
permitted the Town-Hall to play in. At first,
commonly they had usually such great audiences,
and got so much Money, that it undid them, for
it made them insolent, idle, careless, always
drunk and continually quarrelling, so that the
Town and Countrey growing weary of them,
their poverty also made them weary of the Town.
The next place they came at, it may be, there
they would endeavour to regulate those disorders;
but no sooner were they flusht, but they
fell into the like confused Chaos. There was seldom
a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there
was not some scuffle; sometimes altogether by
the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none
knowing the cause of it. Their differences most
commonly did arise from ones exalting his own
worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that
such a one had a greater share than he, though
he deserved more; that such a fellow had a
noble part, when he had that of a Servant,
whereas he better merited to be a Prince, than
the other a Foot-Boy; Damn me, said another,
that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a
Parrot would be taught to speak better, and understand
more than he; a Baboon treads a Stage
a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder
.bn 181.png
.pn +1
Horse-fac’d Lover, is he fit to act that part with
that hunting face of his? it is enough without
the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into
Convulsion fits, or make a young Woman miscarry,
that hath not half gone her time. If reviling
one another would not put them together
by the ears, there was another expedient would
infallibly do it. There was one well stricken
in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than
the younger, and when she found not her accustomed
pleasures, she judg’d that one of those
three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie
had possest her of that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated
with them otherwise, than with her
hands, which she used so nimbly together with
the nails, that had not black Patches been in
Fashion, I know not how without shame they
could have played. The Men on the other side,
being known Rivals to one another, could not
forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts
permitted them) one being run into the hand,
another through the Arm, making a real Tragedy
of what was but pretended. Their Stock
of Clothes was very small so that a Parson was
forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown, instead of one
that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds
Crook, instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so
dented, that the Corners might be more perspicuous,
instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target,
and knew not what to do, at last, the invention of
one of the wittiest, helpt them to a large Wooden
Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides
within, served rarely well. The Actors were few,
wherefore some Acted three or four parts, nay
one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the
King, and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman
.bn 182.png
.pn +1
in a long mourning Cloak, (for they could get
nothing else, that could nearer represent him by)
he spake to an Indian Gown that lay in a Chair,
with a Past-board Crown that lay upon it, all bedawbed
with yellow, (and I know not what Colours)
by a Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it
look like. Having ended his Speech, he threw
off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown
and Gown, he then as a King returned an answer
to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a
many changes, till the conference was over. The
Nobleman i. e. the Cloak, being taken off the
Stage, that is, having made his exit, it was the
Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience
to a person, that had great concerns with
his Majesty, whole Speech being long and his
memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter
through his Speech, but that he was irrecoverably
out, past all prompting; the King not knowing
how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting
his going on, at last it came into his head,
ingenuously to tell him that he had heard enough,
he would hear the rest within, by which means
the Play went on.
One Market-day, (which was the chief time
they pitcht on) they Acted a Play, (by the invitation
of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which
there were two which fought on the stage, which
were supposed Clowns, and were to baste one
another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman
being there present, and having never seen
a play, but this Acted once before, and seeing
them fight again in the same manner, as they had
done before, steps hastily down stairs, and bringing
up a Bottle of Wine in his hand, interposes
between them; telling them they should not thus
.bn 183.png
.pn +1
bear a grudge one to the other, but that they
should be friends; and to that end he had brought
a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands,
and drink to each other, and would not stir, off
the place, till he had seen them so do, and go
too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled,
however they played on, and coming to the third
Scene in the fourth Act, these Fellows were to
enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together,
and facing each other, ran from his seat to
them again; swearing that he that gave the first
blow, should beat him too; What, said he, cannot
we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must
spoil the Play? This put the whole audience
into such laughter and confusion, that the Play
was forced to be deferred till another days action.
They staid not long in a place, the People being
tired with such costly novelties as they call’d
them, which made them ramble every where.
Coming to York, they had the same success at
first, as they found else where, but had like to
have been scared out of their wits. For one day
acting a Play, wherein the King of Scots was to
be murdered barbarously by his Subjects, and
having intimation of the suddain coming of the
Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and
condemns the treachery of his Subjects proceedings;
is there no hope of Life, is there never a
true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot
there present, seeing the murderers come in
with their drawn Swords, cryed out, there is
one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man.
Let the Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if
I make not the Loons eat my Sward as smaw
as Saunies durch. And thereupon drew his
.bn 184.png
.pn +1
broad Sword, and at them he came as desperately
resolved, as if they had been real enemies; and
notwithstanding the King intreated him to be
patient, he grew more furious, and would have
prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed
Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made
their escape. Not long after this they were invited
to act at a Gentlemans house in the Countrey,
where they acted their parts so badly, by
stealing several pieces of Plate, that some of them
had like to have acted their last; Our Soldier of
Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to
his last, fled away privately to London; where he
betook himself to his Pen again, altering the
Scene of his former design. Observing what large
encouragement some received from their Dedications,
he resolved to make tryal of scribling too:
the first that he wrote was indifferently well
accepted of, it being an Hodge podge of Translation,
Transcription, Collection, and his own Composition;
he Dedicating it to a Person of Quality,
was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had
done well, but being infected with the base ingratitude
of Mercenary Scriblers, he presented
his Book to at least twenty more, with the same
Dedication, the name onely altered, which brought
him into so great dis-esteem amongst such as would
have been his constant Benefactors, that ever
after they would never accept of his Presentations.
And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what
to do, walking melancholy in the New Exchange,
he took special notice of a young Trader, who
eyed him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom
proper young man, and had cloaths on
his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed
.bn 185.png
.pn +1
to wear,) they gazed at each other a pretty while
at a distance, but Love quickly brought them
nearer together. For having money in his Pocket,
he approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy
some Linnen, where having seen some of several
sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her
in a discourse. He askt her whether she was
single, and whether that was her Shop? she
answered, she was married, and therefore had
nothing she could call her own. How Madam,
(said he) I cannot doubt but that you have many
Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you
have Beauty too, and admirable outward parts. I
thank your good opinion, Sir, (said she) but I
look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name
of an owner, that either cannot, or durst not give
what is in her possession; though you cannot give,
Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious
mirrour of your Sex, your Face, or what else you
have, as that the frequent loan thereof, may be
esteemed equal to the gift. She was quick of apprehension,
and understood his drift, and though
she answered him not, yet her smiles shewed a
sufficient satisfaction to his amorous discourse,
and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be
short, he won her so absolutely to himself, in a
little time, that she had nothing in her Power,
which she did not freely give him, till her Husband
had almost nothing left, and suspecting the
infidelity of his Wife, watcht her so narrowly,
that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer
had his wants supplyed.
.tb
Now was he forced to look out again, but it
was not long before he was informed of a Maid
.bn 186.png
.pn +1
that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat
ancient, and had she not had some few natural
deformities, she had never lived a Maid so long,
for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d,
short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This
dismaid not him, knowing she had Mony to make
all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she
being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying
having long since taken leave of her,) she
should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome
man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly
hudled up: I did not hear they had many quarrels
the first week; but not many weeks past
over their heads, before his extravagancy, and
her covetousness, could not agree. Besides, she
grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are
conscious of their own imperfections,) and shewed
so many of her damned qualities, that he lived a
hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he
might have known before what she was.
.tb
She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly
he lived at home, the more jocundly he
spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he
resolved to leave her, and return to his former
Mistress, who is now aboard, I mean
.ce
The New-Exchange-Girl.
She was born in Lancashire, and coming up to
London with the Carrier to get a Service, it was
ten to one she had not been pickt up by some
Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the
Inns in the Town, for the coming up of handsome
.bn 187.png
.pn +1
Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the
New-Exchange to meet with her: and seeing her
to have a well featured, and well coloured Countenance,
took so great a liking to her, that she
took her home with her. She knew well enough
what she did, being not ignorant, that a handsome
young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many
Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will
draw Flies to a Confectioners Stall. She had
not lived long with her Mistress, but as she was
envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she
was admired and courted by many of the Gallants
of that end of the Town. Her Mistress, who found
the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant
gave her much more liberty, and countenance,
than she had done any before, cloathing her in
as good a habit, as might become such an excellent
Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of
Quality had for it.
.tb
She had by this time purged her self of the
barbarisms and impurities of the English tongue,
by the daily converse she had with the Ladies,
and Gallants of the Court, and had learnt
decorums in Carriage, as well as elegancies in
Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in
suffering her to wait upon Gentlemen at their
Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats, &c.
though it is customary, yet dangerous to those
that would preserve their Honour. By which
means she had so many temptations offered to
her, that the like would have taken in the Maiden
Fortress of a Vestal Votaress. They courted her with
those Golden-Showers, which infallibly conquer,
.bn 188.png
.pn +1
(having Jove for their President) no wonder then
if she yielded to her overcomers.
.tb
This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s
Mill who gave her good Council to have
a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she
could discern by her Eyes her advice came too
late: and knowing that Trade would not last
long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking
her leave, when she went abroad; but yet
her Mistress was not such a Fool, but she knew
well enough to whom she granted liberty to go
abroad with her Servant; good Customers you
may be sure. There was not a day hardly past,
but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d
it so long, that she got an ambling Nagg. Being
recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid for one hard
bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and
now she was grown to that pass, she cared not, but
cryed, Clap that Clap can, bearing in among them,
firing Gun for Gun.
.tb
Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest,
advised her to keep in till she was well, and
being so, make the best and quickest advantage
she might of getting a Husband, for she told her,
that she must stay with her no longer, she being
so great a scandal to her Profession. My young
Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little
after married, about two years before our Souldier
of Fortune came acquainted with her, he
now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if
she will be ruled by him, they should both march
off together, it was agreed on, that she should observe
her opportunity, and take what Money and
.bn 189.png
.pn +1
Goods of her Husbands she could, and come to
him; which accordingly she did: and now being
both glad, that the one should be freed from a
cross grain’d impotent Husband: and the other
from a jealous deformed, ill condition’d Wife, they
both went to the West of England, not intending
then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a
Ship ready to Sail for Barbadoes; and judging
themselves not secure, till they got thither, or to
some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to
go, carrying Money enough to pay their passage,
and Goods to live ashore on.
.tb
But let me not forget my promise, but give you
an account of the rest in order; the next are,
.ce
Two Button-makers.
They are hardly worth taking notice of, and
therefore I shall not much trouble my self about
them. They were brought up in London, and
therefore they were capable of driving a Trade
in the Countrey: and indeed they were forced to
make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in the
place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious
Night-walkers, and Pick Pockets (for
which they had been so often in those two famous
Universities, Newgate and Bridewell,) that they
resolved to go elsewhere: making choice of Excester,
a place so remote from their former habitation
and acquaintance, that they assured themselves
of a new credit, amongst a People so
altogether unknown to them.
.tb
There they took a Chamber, (lying together)
.bn 190.png
.pn +1
and went for two Sisters; the noise of two London
Button-makers coming down to inhabit in
that City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers
therein, and that word, London carried
so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they
were presently imployed, and had much work a
days. A young Mercer, newly set up, fell in love
with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so
closely, that though with much difficulty (she
giving him many repulses to make him the more
eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his
desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments,
that his business must needs lie at six and sevens,
since, all the day after, he imployed his time in
the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last
fearing the Proverb will prove true, (Hot love
grows soon cold,) she pretended herself with Child,
which in two Months time grew so monstrously
fast, that he must believe what his eyes saw so
apparently. His Breech made Buttons too now,
and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he
consulted his best wits again, and again; at length
found this the only expedient to preserve his endangered
credit, that is, to give her a good sum of
Mony, with which he might perswade her to remove
into the Countrey. He propounded this to her, (and
although she was ready to leap out of her skin to see
her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give
no hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that
he would save hers, and his own Reputation, by
making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying
her: if he would not condescend to that, she would
admit of no other terms, but what sudden death
should make her the overture of.
Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her
.bn 191.png
.pn +1
good will; he gave her a sum of Money to accommodate
her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a
good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to
stay till her return, which should be speedy; she
took leave of her Lover, as if she had been doing
the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other
world. But she was no sooner out of sight, but
she re-assumed her former jolly temper; coming
to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) she
there miscarried of a Cushon. To carry on her
project with the least suspition, the next day she
went for Bristol, where staying four or five days to
recreate her self, and see the curiosities of that City,
she removed to another, from thence to a third,
fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that she
might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks
being expired, she shap’t her course homewards,
where being arrived, she found her Comrade had
not been idle, but had imployed those hands she
sate on to a very good advantage.
.tb
Her Lover hearing of her return played least in
sight; and although he heard that she had cast her
Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear of paying
as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before;
and so resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his
forsaking her did not hinder other Visitants. To conclude,
they had cheated so many with the pretence
of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were
afraid to come near them, being lookt upon by
the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans.
Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they
resolved to try what effects Night-walking would
produce. So stroling about one evening, with their
white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they
.bn 192.png
.pn +1
walkt a long time before they could meet with
any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was grown
late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a
Tavern, more than half drunk, whom they pickt up,
the bargain was quickly struck, and into an Entry
they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as
a Centinal; at length (quoth she within) Good Sir,
let me go, the Watch is coming; which he hearing,
stept nimbly into the street, because he would not
be found with Females in so suspected a place;
casting his head about, he perceiving his two
Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently
suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets
foul Play; wherefore putting his Hands therein,
found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after
them, and just overtook them as he met with
the Watch, by whom they were secured, and being
searcht, the Watch was found; the next day
they were carried before a justice, who upon Examination,
finding them guilty, committed them
to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint
(besides this theft) came in against them by the
sober Citizens, for debauching and ruinating their
Servants, that they were both sentenced to be
transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another
after the same manner, and for the same
practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife
with a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a
Stockin-mender; but fearing lest if I handle her, I
shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and
present your Nostrils with the perfume of
.bn 193.png
.pn +1
.ce
An Orange-Wench.
Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons, a cunning
Slut, who by a fifteen years practice, had got
her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the
streets of London at first, to get her a livelihood;
but her Face had so cryed her up, that her Gallants
would have decryed her Trade, as too mean
a thing for her to follow; but she would not be
perswaded to it, fearing she should be abridged of
her Liberty. For whilst she had the liberty of
roving every where, she had the priviledge and
freedom to go boldly into a Tavern, where she
not only sold her Ware, but had the convenience
to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She
was witty, and very well furnisht with a drolling
Common-Place-Book, out of which she could suit
any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means
her company was so generally coveted, that she
could not pass the streets, but that some or other
out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who
would empty her Basket, fill her skin with Wine,
only that they might make some sport with her.
A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper,
knowing how generally she was belov’d, cared
not much to be made a Cuckold, so that he could
but increase his Trade, which he knew he should
do, if he married her, which he did by a very
expensive , she not caring if he had spent
every groat.
.tb
She lived with him some years, in which time
they had got a world of Money, the house being
seldom full before, but since her coming thither,
always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having
.bn 194.png
.pn +1
gotten enough) began now to dote on her, and grew
so jealous, that he could not abide to see her in any
company that was younger than himself, which
she not enduring, made up a good Purse of Money,
and went into Yorkshire, where attiring her
self like Widow, every one believed that she was so,
and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments,
that she soon had Suiters of good quality
swarming about her. She was so crafty, that
she never countenanced those, who had ever made
the least scruple by enquiring what she was, whence
she came, what she had, &c. but scorning such enquiries,
would sometimes frankly say, when many
of them were together; Gentlemen, I wonder you
should busie your selves about me, I trouble you not,
therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no
Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for
the payment; I have enough, and will lend you
some upon good Security, if that you come for. An
old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this,
strikes in with her, tell her he had Money
enough too, (which she had heard before) and that
if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth
thereof, she might; however he would not question
her Estate, but be very well contented, if
she had no more than what was on her back;
she desired some time to consider on so weighty
a matter as Marriage was; not considering before
what it meant, however she was alotted a very
good Husband, and should she now marry a
worse, it would be her hearts-breaking. He promised
her every thing so fair, that it cleared up
all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a
Matrimonial tye.
The Husband she left in London, was not only
.bn 195.png
.pn +1
Horn-mad, but stark-mad for the loss of his
Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her,
that like Scoggin, looking for a Hare in the
Roof of a House leaded, so he sought her not
only in places probable, but as unlikely to find
her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that
at length he heard that she was in Yorkshire, and
was informed of the place wherein she was.
Over joy’d at the news, he immediately takes
horse, and rides away towards her, resolving
to forgive her whatever she had done, if she
would return with him, not knowing she was
married.
The old man came just to Town as it was her hap
to look out at the window; she knew him streight,
and was ready to drop down dead, to think what
would be become of her; but a Womans wit,
which is alwayes best at a push, prompted her
to call hastily for her Husband, who running to
her; What is the matter, said he? O Husband,
said she, Do you see yonder Man on Horse-back?
Yes, yes, he replyed; then pray thee Sweet-heart
run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having
so done, return with all the speed you can possibly:
never did Foot-boy dispatch a Ladies errand
speedier than he; and being returned; Now my
dear, said she, I will tell thee how happily things
fall out; as I was looking out of that window, I
saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen him these
five years before, he was indebted to my husband
in the sum of 300l. the Money hath been
due long since, and not yet paid, it is thine
now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own
Suit, I will prove the Debt, his name is ———
This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife
desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being
.bn 196.png
.pn +1
not acquainted in the place, and not being able
to produce Bail, was constrained to go to Prison,
where we leave him, vowing and protesting he
neither knew the Man, nor ever owed in all his
life half the sum. In the mean time our Orange-woman
had perswaded her Husband to give her
leave to go to London with all speed and fetch
the Bond she had left in a friends hand, and if
need required, bring the Witness down; there is
no fear Husband, said she, of the Money, for his
Estate consists solely in that, imploying it in buying
Cattle in Ireland, and transporting them into England;
I have laid wait for him many and many a
time, but never could meet with so happy an opportunity.
.tb
Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed
every word she said, and consented to her
motion, with much alacrity. The next day the
Stage Coach was to set forth, so he went streight
and bespake a place, whilst she had fixt every
thing for her next dayes journey. That night,
when her Husband was fast asleep, she took the
Key of his Closet out of his Pocket, and opening
it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred
pieces of old Gold, which had lain there
many a year undisturbed. In the morning by
time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that
she should be thus necessitated to be absent from
her dearly beloved Husband, she entred the
Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first
Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her
resolution of going for London, telling the Coachman,
she had extraordinary business some fifteen
miles out of the way, and that if he would drive
.bn 197.png
.pn +1
the Coach that way, she would reward him; he
told her it was impossible to be done, (which she
knew as well as himself), But Madam, said he, you
have paid the Coach, and you may do as you please.
.tb
She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride
before her, and having rid till it was almost dark,
she caused her Man to make what haste he could
to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in
the length of the way. The next morning calling
for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to her Man,
making him very merry, and then told him, she
was resolved to go for Chester, having business of
greater moment to dispatch there first; so giving
him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown
a day, for so long as they should be out, the Fellow
was very glad of, knowing his Master would
be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there,
she dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were
Ships ready to Sail, the next day she went to
Holy-head, and there imbarqu’d for Dublin.
How her two Husbands in her absence agreed
I know not; but she no sooner thought her self
secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d
as splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant
of them all, and with a new Surname
Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed
again, (a thing too often practised there) and
lived so long there, till she had spent what her
Husband had gotten in many years labour; and
now when all was gone in a manner, she falls
into the acquaintance of a young huffing Blade,
who not daring to stay longer in Ireland, (by reason
of the many Debts he owed there) perswaded
her to go for Bristol with him, where she should
.bn 198.png
.pn +1
have what her heart could desire. Having a
greater love for his Person than she had a belief
to what he promised, she yielded; and without
trifling away time, put their purpose into present
practice. Being at Sea, they had like to have
split upon the Bishop and his twelve Clerks,
(Rocks so called lying to the Southward of Wales)
had she been there lost, any one that knew her
life and conversation, might have lookt on it as a
just Judgement, having abused and violated those
sacred Laws the Church hath injoyned her to
observe by her most detestable Polygamy. However,
they were hindred from putting into the
Port they were bound to, and instead thereof,
arrived at Barnstable; where in a little time after
their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every
Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to
discharge her Quarters. She was rightly served,
and may all such meet with punishments suitable
to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband
knowing where she was, and the fulness of
her own temper together, (seeing she should be
thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal
of retrieving her misfortune in a foreign adventure.
Almost on the same Basis or Ground-work
was founded the desperate resolution of our two
Crack’t Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably
handsome, and thought her self meat good
enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of
which she liked best, but he fitted her not to her
liking; for having gotten her Maiden-head, (by
promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot,
marryed another; She being foolish, and having
no Friends to advise her how to compensate her
loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger
in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a
.bn 199.png
.pn +1
shrewd threat for one that was glad to be rid of
her. Her Companion with her knowing her resolution,
having staid to the age of near forty, and
not one so much as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed
had you seen her when she had drest her
self with all the advantages her utmost Art could
use, you must have turned your head aside,) I say
having lived thus long a Maid, (I dare swear for
her) and never expecting to have to do with any
Christian, she had some hopes that she might be
a subject fit enough for some barbarous Black
Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon.
And now having given you an account of what
Cattle we had aboard, except only what I have
purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they
are four
.ce
Common Prostitutes.
Not to describe them particularly, but all of
their Function in general; They are things of
prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested
in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding
of the wisest Man. I hardly know, or
have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d,
excepting Job, who firmly stood maugre the
Devil, and his Wife.
.tb
In the faces of the common Traders by diligent
search, you may find some Raggs of over-worn
Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows,
to make you believe that there are better
wares within; yet he that trades with
them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she
can sell him nothing but the Pox, or Repentance.
As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of
Cupid, and their lower parts are his Warehouse.
Length of time makes them turn Bank-rupts,
.bn 200.png
.pn +1
spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces,
which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with
all their black Spots and Patches they look but
like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves,
scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming
to this Age, she is like a rotten stick, only fit
to kindle green ones. In short, they are a loathsome
stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into
Heaven, too diseased to continue longer on Earth;
the shame and stain of her Sex, the scorn of wise-men,
and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase
of Whores were taken up at Excester upon the
like account as the former Females were, for
Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered
the same doom with the rest. That famous
City since it had a name, had never been so pester’d
before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It
is true, your London Doxies will go down into
the Countrey sometimes for their pastime, with
their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but
a touch and away, but these deluding and destroying
Syrens, staid so long, till they were ready
to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery
detected them, they in a little time longer
might have infected half the Countrey.
Our Master having intelligence of this brave
booty, rode to Exeter, where agreeing for this
parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him
to Barnstable, shipping them immediatly upon his
arrival; not long after my Rogueship (being nipt
in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my forwards
prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I
might prove if I were let alone to grow up in
them,) was committed to the custody of the Master
of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote
.bn 201.png
.pn +1
place far enough distant from England,
that it might not be disturbed with the noise
of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not
been many hours among them, before I began
to take special notice of my new Comrades, and
not many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations
from them all, as to give you this account
of them, the major part whereof is the extract
of their own confessions; and now I shall
proceed as to our Voyage.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XII.
.pm start_summary
He is made a Cabbin-Boy, and shews what is the
duty thereof; A pleasant drunken encounter between
Himself, little Miss, and two other supposed
Rivals; his Crime, and Punishment. He returns
for England, and coming to Graves end,
he discovers a notable trick of a Justice in discovering
one that usually stole his Wood; Also, an
incomparable Adventure of a young Woman,
and himself in one Hammock together.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
Never had villanous Exiles such a fair Passage
as we had, and to speak the truth, though
nothing could have daunted me, yet the calmness
of the Sea, and the clearness of the weather, did
very much encourage me to be a Sea-man. My
Master was a very facetious merry man, and one
of no mean understanding, who seeing the freeness
of my jocular humour, did not hinder the
care of his business, he acknowledged to have a
benefit in me, which few others received from
.bn 202.png
.pn +1
their Servants, not only injoying my labour and
pains taking, but receiving a divertisement
in the execution thereof. I waited on my Master
diligently, swabb’d his Cabbin daily, made his
Bed, cleansed the House of Office often, and who so
ready as I to fetch the Victuals abaft, and
above all things minded my Masters ringing the
Bell, as it was my duty, so it was my discretion
and prudence; for had I at any time been playing
the Rogue out of hearing the Bell, if it rang
in that interval, I was assuredly drubb’d; for
faults of a higher nature, I was laid over a Gun
and lasht, or tyed by the Thumbs, and whipt with
a Cat of Nine Tails.
My lodging was in the Steerage near the Bulkhead,
that I might be ready and within hearing:
And though I was so very a Rogue ashore, yet I
was a man of credit aboard, for my Master trusted
me with all the choice comforts which concerned
his Life, committing to my charge his
Wines, both Spanish and French, with Brandy,
and several cordial Waters, Sugar, all sorts of
Spices; Tobacco, and what not, expedient for
long Voyage. Such regard he had of me, that
he taught me to Write, and Cypher, which for so
short a time I understood so well, as I became
the wonder of every one in the Ship; seeing me
so forward, he did put me on the copying of his
Journals, taught me how to take off the Log, to
take the height of the Sun at twelve a Clock, by
which we know what Latitude we are in; the
knowledge of these things I gained not under
three or four Voyages, but in this first expedition
I could run up to the Maintop, and furl a Sail,
though in a stress of Weather.
I minded so much my business, that I seldom
.bn 203.png
.pn +1
visited any of the Passengers I formerly described,
and had almost forgot my little Miss, but perceiving
my Masters former kindness to them, was
converted into harsh and rough usage, tumbling
them like Dogs into the Hold, when sometimes
they offered to come upon the Decks to Air
themselves, I could not but pity them; and to
Buoy up their Spirits, I would frequently give
them a Dram, to be sure my Miss had a treble
portion, and would often steal her fresh meat, than
which I know not what is more valuable in a long
run at Sea.
I acted not my business so closely, but that my
Master discovered the goodness of my nature to
my fellow-travellers; however finding no considerable
loss and decay of his Liquors, only
threatned me for that time what wonderful
punishment he would inflict upon me, if ever he
catcht me in the like again: I thinking he had
but jested, and trusting to my wit for the secret
management of the project, and the excuse thereof
when it was effected by the instigation of two
lusty young fellows, I was induced to steal from
my Master a Bottle of Sack, and getting into a
close corner with my forementioned Doxy, whom
I had singled out, and these two Fellows, we
made a shift to drink it off; they prompted
me to fetch another, but I would not yield,
till I had first gone aloft, to see whether the
Coast was clear; finding my Master asleep in the
great Cabbin, I got out a Bottle of French-Wine,
which we dispatcht as we had done the other; not
satisfied with this, they perswaded me by all means
to fetch another, and with that they would
be contented; I would not condescend in any
.bn 204.png
.pn +1
case, till the witch my Wench (that by this time
was got above half drunk) intreated me with
prithee do, what will you deny me? and then I
could hold out no longer; but being by the Liquor
in a fit mood to do any Roguery, I promised
them to return with some more with all
expedition; now I began to consider that what
we had drank already, was not so strong as
Brandy, and therefore lookt on that Liquor most
convenient for our drunken purpose; I opened a
Guard de-vines, and taking out almost a Quart
Bottle, I made what haste I could to my seasoned
Drunkards, who were eagerly gazing for me;
but finding them too petulantly familiar with my
Mistress, I had once a mind to have staved the
Bottle, but that I should lose my share of the
Brandy, but dissembling well my passion, I drank
on with them; but I by reason of the tenderness
of my Age, and my Female friend being not accustomed
to drinking, were not able to hold out
with them: the fumes ascending into my head, I
thought my self as good as any man, (judge you
whether I was not a proper one at fourteen years
of Age?) and would not take an affront from any,
and so charging them with the abuse they had
done me in being too sawcy with my concerns, I
made no more ado, but fell foul with them both,
my little Virago seeing me engaged, was resolv’d
not to be idle, but with the Glass Bottle lays one
of them over the Cox-comb, which breaking, cutt
his pate, the sight of his blood made him more
afraid than hurt, and fearing lest he should bleed
himself to death, acquits our Company, and ran
with all speed to the Chirurgion, in the mean time
.bn 205.png
.pn +1
we made our party good with the other, and so
pounded him, that he was glad to shoot the Pit,
and leave us sole Conquerors of the Field, having
now no other enemy in sight to contend with
us, I took my stout Amazon by the hand, and led
her up aloft in triumph, the Sea-men were ready
to die with laughter to see how we had mall’d
those two Boobies; but their laughter increast to
that excess, that it wakened my Master to see me
and my Damsel strutt and reel to and fro the Decks,
bidding defiance to them all, daring the best of them
to touch her upon their perils; as I was thus Lording
it, my Master made his appearance, who was so surprized
he knew not what to say, neither was it to
any purpose, for my Damsel was as merry as a Hawk,
who nothing but sang whilst I Don-Drunken Furioso
was storming like a Raging Turk.
My Master perceiving that nothing would appease
my wrath, nor silence the harmonious Tongue
of my tippled Madam, commanded us both to be
clapt in the Bilboes, and there to continue till we
were a little more sober. We soon talkt ourselves
asleep, and sleept as soundly as if we had lain on a
Feather-bed, awakening, we wondred to see our
selves in that condition, and could not imagine
how we came there, but by some inchantment;
but our admiration and amazement were soon
converted into something of another nature, by
my Masters sending for us; coming before him,
there did I see my two Antagonists, the sight
whereof immediately informed my memory with
the precedent days proceedings; my face did
presently discover my guilt.
.bn 206.png
.pn +1
.pm start_poem
Heu quam difficile est crimen non prodere vultu?
Alas how hard it is for any face
To hide a crime, if it hath any Grace?
.pm end_poem
And had not our countenances betrayed us,
there were too many apparent evidences for our
conviction. Now did I see my quondam loving
friend lay aside the pleasantness of his former
looks, and assume the severe gravity of a Judges
aspect, and having dismist my fighting Madam,
sentenced me and my two combatants to be that
instant conveyed to the Capston, which was done
accordingly, and there were we seized, inclosed
within a Hoop, and a Cat of nine tails delivered
into each our hands; and this being done, said our
Master, Let me see how you will fight now? if you
do not lash one another soundly, I will have those
that shall; so commanding the Capston Bar to be
turned round, to work we went; I laid it on gently
at first on him that was before me, but finding
the smart of the blows increase, and the lashes
multiply in strength as well as quantity, by him
that was behind me, I spared my fore-man not a
jot, but as fast and as smartly as I could, I jerkt
him about; this caused him to redouble his blows
on the other, he again on me, and so we went
round in that unmerciful manner, that our Master
out of meer pity was forc’d to release us.
.tb
The severity of this punishment (for none could
have had the heart to have whipt us as we whipt
our selves,) cured me of my Drunken fits for that
whole Voyage, and so reduced me to order
and civility, that I was once more received into
his favour. And now I grew so cautious in the
.bn 207.png
.pn +1
disposal of those Liquors of Life, that none participated
with me in their enjoyments, but my
Master and his friends, who was a severe check
over me in what he had committed to my charge.
Immediately after our arrival at Barbadoes, having
complemented the Island with the usual ceremony
of firing some Guns, a swarm of Boats
from thence settled about our Ship, the Planters
therein boarded us on every side, as if they
intended to have made lawful Prize of us. Our
Commodities between Decks were forthwith
rubbig’d, (rummig’d I mean) and exposed to the
view of the Buyer; they need not question the
goodness of the Ware, since it hath been sufficiently
tryed, and could not want a probatum on
the report of hundreds. Nothing troubled me
more than to see my young Female Comrade
truckt for Tobacco, the exchange of equal levity,
and as the one is fit only to be burnt, so
in time may the other, though so green one
would imagine nor capable of entertaining a
flame. They were all disposed off in a very
short time, and those that despaired of ever having
Husbands in England, had them here ready
made to their hands, and they with others found
in this remote place a conveniency for raising a
new credit and reputation, which they had irrecoverably
lost elsewhere.
.tb
All the time that we lay here at Anchor I was not
permitted to go ashore, a thing that griev’d me to
the heart, especially having not the benefit of others,
who had the freedom of going ashore and refresh
themselves with fresh Provisions. Our Sea-men that
were on Ship-board would have the same conveniences
.bn 208.png
.pn +1
as if they were where properly they might
be had, but were so inhumane to me, that I must
eat what the Ship afforded, or fast; this they did,
that I might adventure another whipping by stealing
my Masters Liquors, knowing how strongly I
longed to taste of fresh meat: not a bit went down my
throat but what I purchased with the hazard aforesaid;
but my Masters carowsing at the Indian
Bridge, made him forget what was exhausted
out of his Cabbin, and so I came off undiscovered.
.tb
Having taken in our Loading proper for our
Transportation, as to Tobacco, Indigo, Cotton,
and Sugar, (which last sweetned all the bitter
Pills of affliction which I had swallowed) we set
Sail for England, and with a prosperous Gale,
and good weather, we safely arrived in the
Downs, where lying a small time, we came away
to Graves-End, and there we staid two Tides.
My Master going ashore, I begg’d him that he
would let me go with him, having not set foot
on Land in so long time; the consideration
thereof perswaded him to grant my request; and
taking an opportunity to slip from my Master, I
chanc’d to happen into an House, where at that
little time of my staying happen’d a remarkable
passage. There was a Justice of the Peace
that lived not far from this House, who had a
Wood-yard adjoyning hereunto: the near adjacency
of this Fewel tempted my Landlord to purloin
from thence, that he might save some expence in
firing; but he did it so often, that he caused the Justice
to suspect he was grosly abused by some or other
thereabout; and that he might find out the offender,
he ordered his Servants to bore large holes in some of
.bn 209.png
.pn +1
the Loggs, and fill them with Gun-powder,
plugging up the same holes very close again;
which was performed according to instruction,
and the design took its desired effect; for our
Landlord according to his wonted custom, came
into the Yard, and happened to take those very
Loggs, and carried them home to use them as
he had done the rest; his Pot was over the Fire,
and a Spit before it, in order to a Supper bespoke
by some strangers. I was smoaking by the
fire side, (that you may know I was not ill bred,)
and had a Pot of Ale in my hand sitting very
near the Fire, my Landlord eagerly bid me remove
farther off that he might have room to supply
his decaying Fire, (it was well for me;) having
laid on those Loggs, in a little time after
came an old Woman (whose ancient and deformed
withered face had made her a long time suspected
for a Witch,) who begged heartily for an
Alms, but such was the cruel hard heartedness
of our Landlord, that he not only denyed her, but
rudely thrust her from the door, the poor helpless
Woman durst not openly exclaim, but as she
was muttering to her self her great discontent,
the Fire got to the Powder inclosed in the Wood
aforesaid, and being so straitly and throughly
confin’d, burst the Logs like a Granado, tearing
the Meat off the Spit, blowing the Pot off the
Hooks, and brake some small matter of the Brickwork
of the Chimney. My loss consisted in the dropping
of my Pot of Ale with the suddain astonishment;
but my Landlord lookt like a fellow distracted
out of his wits; recollecting himself, and seeing what
dammage was done him, concluded this begger-woman
was the cause of all this mischief, believing
.bn 210.png
.pn +1
her now to be what she had been a long time
suspected for a Witch, and therefore leaves his
House confusedly, (which gave me an opportunity
to trip off and leave my reckoning unpaid,)
and getting a Constable, seiz’d this ignorant piece
of antiquity, carrying her before the Justice that
had lost his Wood from time to time; My Landlord
hereupon largely acquainted his Worship the
sad hap that had befallen him and the grounds of
his suspecting this Woman; which when the Justice
had heard to the full, he then understood
who was the Wood-stealer, and so acquitting the
old Woman, but committed my Landlord, who
must now pay for his Children sitting by other
Peoples Fires.
.tb
I had not so much Money but that I was very
glad to save my small reckoning; returning to my
Master, he was very jolly, resolving to lie ashore that
night in Graves-end, and commanded me to attend
him; not a drop of Wine would go down with him
I observed without his Land-lady, which was a
very lovely Woman, had she not been a little too
fat: her Husband was the absolute picture of a
Cuckold; it is strange that a man should read
that name so legibly in any ones face.
Night coming on, my Master seem’d to be
more drunk than he was, that he might the better
excuse his so soon going to bed, desiring to
take his repose, after I had pulled off his Shooes
and Stockins, and he had all undrest himself, being
between the Sheets, I tuckt in the Bedcloathes
about him, and in so doing took an
occasion to meet with his Breeches, and diving
into the Pockets I conveyed away two half
.bn 211.png
.pn +1
Crowns, and so shutting the Chamber door, I left
him.
Going into the Kitchin, I called for Wine, some
upon my Masters account, the rest upon my own
charge; It was my good fortune to be alone with
the Maid, all the rest of the Family (being late)
were gone to bed.
The Maid (like the rest of the worst of House-wives,
who work in the night and play in the day,)
was making at that time a Smock for her self,
and as I guess sate up somewhat the later, because
she would completely finish it; I had made my
self familiar with her, and taking this advantage to
raise some petulant discourse; Is this your Smock?
said I, Yes, she replyed, then sure, said I, you are
very lavish of your Cloth to make it so wide; I will
lay you five shillings, and you shall hold stakes, that
it will contain us both, and to spare: How, said
she, I will lay you that wager if I never engage
in another; but the difficulty lay in this, that she
saw there was a necessity that she must uncase
as well as my self, and therefore seemed very
unwilling so to do; But that she must lose the
Crown if she did not, so she consented: having
the Smock on, I crept into it, and absolutely cased
my Arms in the same sleeves; hers were in before,
my head peeping out at the bosom; but endeavouring
to dis-ingage by the same means we
had intangled our selves, we found it impossible,
our Arms being extended like the wings of a
Spread Eagle, nor could we contract or draw them
to our bodies, in this plight we were in a good while,
not knowing what to resolve on. At length with
one joint consent we raised our Arms to the
Tenter-hooks of the Shelf, (for though I was
.bn 212.png
.pn +1
young, I was tall, and so was she,) and hanging
the Sleeve thereon, we pull’d, thinking to draw it
off that way; but striving with what strength we
had left, we pull’d the shelf down, and all the
Pewter ratling about our ears: This noise awakened
the man of the House, and thinking to jog
his Wife, found no such thing beside him; this
startled him more; however he was resolved to
see what it was, and therefore struck a light; but
recalling himself as he was descending the stairs,
he returned, thinking it would be safer (if Theeves
were below,) to take my Master with him, and
therefore goes to his Chamber door, which he
found open, and entring the room, found his wife
in bed with him fast asleep; whilst he was about
to waken them, we below were struggling to get
loose, and stumbling upon the shelf fallen, we fell
over it upon the Dishes, which made as great a
noise as the former; this hastned him to wake
them, reproving his Wife for her carelesness more
than looseness, and telling them there were Thieves
in the House; my Master got up and went down
with his Landlord to see what the matter was in
the Kitchen: They had no sooner entred the door
but they were strangely amazed to see one Body
with two Heads; approaching nearer, my Master
knew one Head to be his mans, and the other to
be his Landlords Maids: with much difficulty
they they took this Flesh Pudding out of the
Bagg; it being midnight we were not examined
then, but deferred till the next morning: in the
mean time they consulted together; and it was
agreed upon between the Landlord and his Wife,
that conditionally my Master would forgive me,
they would their Maid, and never foolishly proclaim
.bn 213.png
.pn +1
their shame to the world which now lay in
their powers to conceal. This adventure staid us
longer ashore than we intended, but at length getting
aboard, we sailed up to Eriff, where we Anchored
two or three days for some private business
our Master had, &c. and from thence we went
directly up the River, and came to an Anchor over
against .
.il fn=i_205fp.jpg w=292px ew=70%
.sp 2
.h2
CHAP. XIII.
.pm start_summary
He buyes a Horse in Smithfield, he is basely cheated
in the goodness by the Horse-Courser, the manner
how; he discants on his own ill Horsemanship as
he is a Sea-man. He rides to Maiden-head, his
Landlady loseth a Diamond Ring, he invents an
incomparable exploit to restore it her again.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
My Master being an eminent Sea-man, and
faithful to his trust, had no sooner cleared
his Ship, but had immediately another Voyage
offered him to Virginia, returning home in safety,
the next he made was to the Streights; I was
there with him several times at Legorn, twice in
the West Indies, and twice at the Canaries; by this
time my Apprentiship was expired, which I went
through with so much satisfaction to my Master,
notwithstanding a thousand Rogueries I committed
in that time, that in our next Voyage which
was to Guinny, I was advanced to the dignity of
a Cockswain. Whereupon the long boat was committed
to my Charge, and when any occasion
served, I had my Crew always ready for the skiff;
I understood my place quickly, and behaved my
.bn 214.png
.bn 215.png
.bn 216.png
.pn +1
self in it, that our Boat Swain dying, I was constituted
in his place; now was my care increased,
for I had charge of all the Rigging, Masts, and
Sails, with many other matters of consequence.
I have heard my Master say twenty times, that he
had rather hear me when we were weighing Anchor
(our Men being at the Capston) cry heave
clearly my boys, than a noise of Musick, for I had
a strong yet pleasant voice, and I tun’d it to some
purpose when the Anchor was almost a peek. In
this imployment I made two Voyages to Guinny,
the last thereof was so succesful that I was resolved
upon my return to take the pleasures of the Land,
and no places would serve my turn, but those
wherein I had received so much disgrace and
punishment.
In Smithfield, London, I bought an Horse, he
did so caper with the Fellow that rid him, that I
feared this pamper’d beast would be to skittish,
for a Sailer, that never bestrid any living Creature;
the Horse cost me six Pound and a Crown, I could
not get the punctuality of his Rogueship to bate
me the odd Mony, though in three days time
forty shillings proved the utmost value of this
great bargain. It was a very fair day when I set
forward in my journey towards Bristol, and because
the Streets were then dry, and no symptoms
in the Heaven of any approaching Rain, I vainly
thought there would be no occasion for Boots
those intollerable cloggs of a nimble footed Sea-man.
I mounted not without some dread and
fear that this prancing Palfry would run away
with his Master, but contrary to all expectation,
I found the creature calm enough, being ready
to lie down as I was getting up; much ado I had
.bn 217.png
.pn +1
to get him to go till I had almost buryed my Heel-spur
in his belly, and then he made a shift to trot;
but Founder-foot on a suddain running a head,
I was like to have been overset. The talness of
my Horse did shew what an Ass I was to be so
cheated; I might have known that within less
than an hour after I had bought him, for in stead
of Excrements, he evacuated an Eel at his posteriors,
which I believe was conveyed into him
alive by the subtle Horse courser, to make him for
the present more lively and sprightful. With
much difficulty I got him to Maiden-head that
day; the next proving raining, my business did
not require such haste, but that I might stay a
day or two for fair weather.
I had Money enough, the sight whereof did
strangely quicken the attendance of the Servants
of the House, and my liberal expence commanded
both my Land-lord and Land-ladies company;
and that I might continue their society, I was
incessant in the calling for Wine. My Land-lady
was pre-ingaged in the company of several Gallants,
so that I was like to have little of it, had it
not been for an accident that befell her, which
brought her into my Room where my Land-lord
was. It seems one of the Gentlemen espyed a
Ring on her Finger with a very fair Rose of
Diamonds in it, and desiring her to let him see
it for the excellency thereof; she condescended,
continuing her conceited discourse, which she
raised on purpose, to shew what an esteem she
had for her imaginary wit, and fancy; this
Gentleman delivered the Ring to another, he
to a third, that man conveyed it to a fourth
that were troubled with the same curiosity; but
.bn 218.png
.pn +1
at the last it came into the hands of one that was
very loath it should go any further, since it had
almost past round; She being this while so busie
in her tittle tattle, that she neither minded how
it was canvast about, or in the least mist it off her
Finger: She left the room several times, and returned;
but in fine she found the loss of her
Ring, not knowing whether it was restored to her
by that person she lent a sight thereof, and had
dropt it, or if not restored, she was ignorant of
the Man, and therefore durst not tax any one
particularly. I have known many a thing, as a
Silver Tobacco box, &c. left carelesly upon a
Table which hath been taken up in jest, but kept
in earnest.
.tb
She was so puzzled she knew not what to do;
and not knowing how to remedy her self, she was
resolved to play the perfect Woman, sit down and
cry; which she did in that pitiful manner, that I
admired how any mans heart could be so hard,
not to exchange a few inconsiderable Diamonds
for so many inestimable Pearls that dropt from
her eyes. Every one stiffly denyed the unworthiness
of the detention, and seemed somewhat
displeased that their glowing gallantry should be
suspected of an act so ungentile and unhandsom.
Seeing there was no help, and she could not conceal
the loss from her Husband, she came where
we were, that we might in her sad relation commiserate
and condole her great affliction.
I gave much heed to every circumstance of her
doleful story, and minded it so well, that I fancy’d
I had a project in my head which would give her
assistance. Come Madam, said I, there is a Plot
.bn 219.png
.pn +1
which I have just now contrived, which if it take
effect, you shall give me a Bottle of Canary, if not,
it will be no harm for you to make a tryal.
She was very glad to hear of any proposition that
might carry in it the hopes of getting her Ring
again, and therefore freely promised me any thing.
Why then said I, Go into your former company,
but first dry your eyes, and express all seeming joy
imaginable, and tell those that are inquisitive as to
the cause of this suddain alteration, that you have
found your Ring again, and then mark diligently
that man who cunningly conveys his hand into his
own Pocket my life for you that man hath the
Ring. Following my advice, she re-entred her
former Room, and counterfeiting an excessive
joy; O Gentlemen your pardon, said she, I have
found my Ring! Observing the company heedfully,
she perceiv’d one stole down his hand into
his Pocket, to feel whether the Ring was there,
imagining, upon the hearing what she said, his
Pocket had been pickt. Where is the Ring I
pray Madam, said one, and where did you find
it? Here Sirs, said she, have I found it, for this
Gentleman hath now the Ring in his hand, which
she forceably drew out of his Pocket, and so the
Ring appear’d to his great shame and discredit.
Her gratitude for my succesful council did that
night so Sack the Garrison of my understanding,
that all my Senses pro tempore suffer’d in their
general devastation.
.bn 220.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XIV.
.pm start_summary
He is like to to be robb’d in Maiden-head Thicket.
He tells a notable story of a Tapster and another
at Play in Redding. At Newberry, a Horse
which he rode upon Tryal in the Streets, ran
away with him unpaid for; at Bristol he ran
away with a pair of Boots then wanting them;
he rides for Excester, where he won a considerable
sum of his Host at Play.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
The great store of Rain that fell, and made
the High-ways like Hasty Pudding, by which
means though I rid in Shooes and Stockins, yet
I was sufficiently be-booted with dirt. I rid
over the Common melancholy alone, but coming
to Maiden-Head Thicket, there was company
enough such as I liked not by any means, and
now Gramercy Horse, for had not he looked as
scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous, I had undoubtedly
been robb’d; never was poor Horse,
and beastly Man so survey’d before, by Devils I
think, for their Faces by their Vizard-Masques
seemed every whit as black. Escaping that danger,
I got the second days journey to Reading,
alighting, I fell all along, for I had kickt away
my Leggs in riding thither, Never did I find the
difference till now of riding on a Yard-arm, and
on the sharp-ridg’d back of a surfeited Jade; I
had not so much skin left upon my Breech as
would make a white patch for an Ethiopian Lady
of Pleasure. Here I lay three days to recover
the damage my posteriors had sustained by riding
my wooden Horse. In which time I observed but
little remarkable, but a Tapsters Playing with a
.bn 221.png
.pn +1
fellow of the Town for Money in a little By Ale-House,
where was sold incomparable Ale, which
I found out by the information of a Coblar, the
reflection of whose face would have afforded light
enough to an Ale-house at Mid-night.
.tb
I was a spectator on their Play, and glad I was
of this opportunity, to divert my self in a strange
place. The Tapster in a little time had lost to
the other the price of 2 Barrels of Beer, which so
inraged him, it being his all, that nothing could perswade
him but that he was cheated of his Money,
that he napt on him, and I know not what, and
swore he would have every penny of his Mony
before he should stir from the place. The other
told him that he had won it fairly, and therefore
would as surely keep it; hereupon the Tapster
struck up his heels, and to work he went with
him, the fellow seeing his drift that he would dispossess
him of his Money, got as much as he could
privately out of his Pocket, and clapt it into his
mouth cramming it almost full. The Tapster
was amazed to find so little in his Pockets, and
therefore made all the Privy search he could, which
was all to no purpose, so that he concluded the
fellow was little less than a Conjurer, after that
he had tired himself with beating and kicking
his Carkass, he did let him rise, the fellow for all
his seeming resolution at first took this basting
very patiently, and would have been gone willingly
to avoid the second part of the same tune,
had not the Tapster laid hold on him, saying, Nay
faith t’other box in the ear, and ’tother kick on the
breech, and go and be damn’d, so lifting his hand up,
gave him a cuff on the face, that by the Noise of what
.bn 222.png
.pn +1
dropt out of his Mouth, I verily believed he had
not only struck out all his teeth, but had also
fractur’d in pieces his jaw-bones; but I soon was
convinced of the contrary, when I lookt on the
Ground, for there lay the Mony scattered which
in his Mouth he had secured. I never stood considering
what was to be done, since I saw a little
time was soon lost, so that blowing out the Candle,
I fell a scrambling with the Tapster, who had got
the start of me, however I made my party good
with him, and was not behind with him in my
share, and so slipt out, leaving the poor fellow to
hold his bleeding chops, which were cut through
by a piece of Money, and the Tapster in tenebris
to sum up his losses. Leaving this Town I found
that I had more Money going out of it than
I brought into it, and so I merrily rode on to
Newberry. Here my jaded Beast gave up the
Ghost, it was time for us to part, for we were both
weary of one the other. Money soon procured
me the sight of another, but exceeding different
from the former, as the one was exceeding dull and
heavy, this was all air, and fiery, no ground would
hold him as it is usually said; this Horse was
brought me to look on, the Seller riding him in
my sight with all the studied advantages a double
Jury of Jockies could invent; dismounting, I was
desired to make tryal of him my self, which I had
no mind to do, for I dislik’d that in him, which
another would have liked extremely, his extraordinary
mettle, however, that I might not be laught
at, I adventured to cross his back, but I was scarce
settled in the Saddle, when this understanding
Beast knowing by my sitting him, that he had a
foolish and unskilful governour to deal withal,
.bn 223.png
.pn +1
grew headstrong, flew away with me like lightning,
for my part I thought I had got the Devil between
my leggs, and that I was riding Post upon
some Hellish design. I knew whom I
had to deal withal, a thing that would have his
will, and therefore thought it a piece of impudence
to curb his extravagant running; knowing
well that that pace would not last alwayes.
.tb
I gave him his head, let him go which way, and
as fast as he pleased; in troth he was better acquainted
with the Road than his Master, and
would not be perswaded out on’t by any such ignorant
Hawl-bowling as my self; that night my
Horse, and I, (for I must give his Horseship the
preheminence) came to Marlbrough; entring the
Town, he went directly to his Inn, and was known
to the Hostler, calling him by some familiar term,
I know not what now; and askt me whether the
Horse was mine, I replyed that he was so, that I
had bought him the day before at Newberry:
and why should not I own him, since he intitled me
by running away with me, not I with him; and
since by an unexpected chance I had a benefit
thrown into hands, I was resolved to make use of
it, and so I did for the next day, very early I rode
away with him for Bristol, never hearing of the
right owner since: his heat and fury by this time
were pretty well qualified, and could ride him
then my own pace, where as before I would willingly
condescend to have had a leg or an arm
broke, to have secured the bone of my neck.
.tb
Bristol, the place of my nativity I entred with
a strange confidence, if you remember how I was
.bn 224.png
.pn +1
born, and what roguish exploits I acted during
my abode in that City; but as good luck would
have it, as length of time had altered my countenance,
so it had quite obliterated the memory
of my former nefarious actions. Here did I
spend my Money in all manner of riot and excess,
finding a many jovial boon blades, although for
the most part very strict and precise; and though
none are permitted any thing late to tipple, yet
there is time enough in the day to spend the Cargo
of an East-India-man, especially if a man hath
nothing else to do. The natural love I had to
this place made me insensibly stay much longer
than I intended, and though I was some weeks
there, nothing occur’d worth the taking notice of,
but furnishing my self with a pair of Bootes.
My money began to grow somewhat low, so that
I saw there was a necessity of removing thence;
the inconveniences I was put to for want of Boots,
made me resolve to try how I might procure them
without either money or credit; I ponder’d with
my self, and took many a walk in the Marsh, yet
could project no feasible way to obtain my ends.
I pitcht upon this at last; evening the account
with my Landlord, I caused the Hostler to saddle
my Horse and bring him out, mounting, I rid
him to a quite contrary part of the City, where
I lay, (my lodging was near the Castle, and I rode
to the higher end of Ratcliff-street,) near the Gate,
I tyed my Horse, and walkt down again backward
where I observed some Shooe-makers, entring
one of their Shops, I askt the Master thereof
to shew me some Boots he did, and withal fitted
me; having both the Boots on, I talked to him
about the price, I refusing to give so much since
.bn 225.png
.pn +1
they were too dear, he protesting on the other
side that he would not abate a farthing, stepping
to the Threshold (as if I intended to settle my
feet in them) I started, though not fairly, running
with all my speed, the Shooe-maker thought it
was to no boot for him to stand still, whilst I was
in action; wherefore leaving his shop, he betook
himself to his heels, crying out as he ran, stop him,
stop him; Stop me not, quoth I, we run for a
Wager, and I give him the advantage of running
in Shooes against my self in these heavy Boots;
hearing me say so, they gave way which I repeated
to every one as I came near them; they
encouraging me, crying out, O brave Boots, O brave
Boots; Others animating the other with O brave
Shooes, O brave Shooes; getting to my Horse, I
mounted him, and without Spurs, for he needed
none, I rode clear through Ratcliff-gate, and was
soon out of sight, and never since heard of my
Shooe-maker.
I was resolved to cross the Countrey for my
better securing my self from my Horse-merchant,
and so directed my Course to Exeter, where I was
resolved to continue till I had increased my store.
I was fearful of venturing on Robbing, and therefore
my design was solely bent on cheating, having
not been yet arrived to the height of understanding
the ruinating Mystery of Gaming; my
Land-lord was a very jolly associate, and delighted
much in my company, in that I fitted his
humour so well: we often walkt together, and by
our converse broad grew intimately familiar, insomuch
that if I were in the house, he was hardly
out of my company. Frequently we diverted our
selves with Tom Fools Games, as they call them,
.bn 226.png
.pn +1
Dubblets, Size Ace, Back Sir Hugh, Catch Dolt, &c.
For neither of us could play at any thing else
with the Dice, unless Old Sim.
.tb
It was my good fortune one day to play with
him for a bottle of Wine at Sise Ace, which I won
of him, and after that another, and in conclusion
so many, that we were forced to call for assistance,
which we could not want long, if men in this
latter Age did not Apostatize by declining the
powerful invitations of good wine. These Spungers
by exhausting our Liquor inflamed the
Reckoning, and that still kindled in us a desire to
play on: I was the sole Conquerour; and seeing
that he could not deal with me for the Reckoning,
he propounded to me whether I would play with
him for a Tester, I seeing how vext he was that
he had lost so many Bottles, consented to humour
him in any thing that was reasonable, not believing
but that fortune would not withdraw her wonted
favours from me. He losing still; from six pence,
we doubled the stakes, and to be short, we gradually
augmented them till we played for an
Angel a Game, (may they always be tutelary to
me, and be my Guardians from the insufferable
torments of a despicable necessity,) from an Angel,
to a Piece, till I had left him not a Piece to play
with me, having won threescore and
Being a young man, he begg’d of me to conceal
his loss, lest by the Proclaiming my good success,
I detriment his credit; for he was so rational as
to know that Gaming, as it surely stabs a mans
Reputation, so in process of time it will cut the
throat of his Estate, though very considerable.
I promised him I would do it though to no purpose,
.bn 227.png
.pn +1
for the Standers by were the Publishers of
those ill , which will spread abroad themselves
like a Pestilence. Now I thought it highly
requisite to put my self into a better garb, and invest
my self with such ornaments as might become
a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I
accommodated my self with a Sword, and did not
forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being thus
bravely equipt Cap a pee; I grew weary of this
City, and so left it, and my Landlord to his better
Fortune.
.tb
The next place I set up my Standard, was in
Salisbury; my generous deportment and gallant
habiliments adapted me for the best of company,
and the relation of my Travails, not as a Tarpawlin,
but a wealthy young Heir, did infinitely please
them: So that if I were in a Coffee-house at any
time, though I entred in singly, I should have it filled
with variety of Guests to hear those admiranda
wonderful things that I had observed abroad: I
was the Mouth of the house, and what I reported
was received as an Oracle, I made two Fellows
one time confidently believe, that Pindennis
Castle, if well mann’d and rigg’d, would make a
brave Man of War of the First Rate, and that
Pen-men maure in Wales, and Hoath in Ireland
were nere met in consultation how to prevent the
turbulency of their Northern neighbourhood from
incroaching on their Trade of Herring-Fishing.
.bn 228.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XV.
.pm start_summary
At Salisbury he comes acquainted with a young
man, who relates to him the Breviate of his life,
and instructs him in the most usual Games at
Dice, with all the subtle deceivers that belong to
them, and the dangers that attend them, with a
short account of their Practitioners.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
My Reputation in this City increased daily,
so that I was now at liberty to pick and
choose my company, I mean from the middle sort
of people, which I knew how to delude, whereas I
was not so ignorant, but that men of better breeding
and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring
hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture
of my crafty pretences. I had a sufficient stock
of confidence to manage those natural parts which
some (flatteringly I doubt) highly commended.
The younger sort of People were the Persons I
selected to associate my self withal, and had in
that little time gain’d so large an interest in them,
that he offered me too little, I should have thought,
that would think to buy my propriety therein for
an hundred a year. Hunting and Hawking were
my dayly Recreations; when we returned home,
Drinking and Whoring were our nightly exercises;
and because I was a stranger as I had the preheminence
in most things, so I always paid the
least share of any in the reckoning.
.tb
There was one strange Gentleman who usually
accompanied us, whom I particularly observed
.bn 229.png
.pn +1
to have more than common qualifications; quick-witted,
well spoken, sung incomparably, but had
the repute of a notorious Gamester; and well he
might, for he had bit both City and Countrey of
considerable sums, so that now being generally
known for a Rook, none durst play with him, yet
fancied his company very much. This Gentleman
I singled out, and discourst him throughly
as to every thing: And that I might engage him
to a greater freedom, I forged several lies, charging
him with secrecy; this seeming unbosoming
my self obliged him to give me an account of
what he was, and for what reasons he came there
in this manner.
.tb
Sir, said he, I was formerly an Apprentice in
London, and by reason of my Masters covetous and
ill nature and severity from him, I had not served
him two years e’re I was upon the ramble, (a term
of Art frequently used amongst us;) my Parents
with some charge and much intreaty sawdred up
this first crack; but this sore was not so well cured,
but by reason of the inward corruption it broke out
again, and now was the Malady worse than ever,
for my Master would not receive me on any terms,
notwithstanding the various perswasions of my
friends for that purpose. My Relations seeing this,
and being throughly perplex’t exercised all their
passions on me, and instead of reducing me, took a
course to ruine and destroy me: for they seemingly
cast me out of all favour, which I judged to be real,
and having no other dependance than my Wits (my
poverty having frighted all my former friends
from coming near me,) I resolved for a sustenance
to make what use I could of them.
.bn 230.png
.pn +1
As long as my money lasted, I frequented all places
for Gaming exercises, and now and then some Bawdy-houses,
in which I had goten a large acquaintance;
but having spent all I had, I could get no
credit among them, only in one house, where they had
so much credulity to believe my Lies to be infallible
Truths, and that I should receive in a little time
those several Sums were due to me abroad, and
would have the honesty to pay my large account.
Money not coming as they expected, laid an Action
on my back, and threw me into Goal, where I suffered
more than tongue can utter; but I shall not disclose
the name of this Gaoler, since I shall give you an account
of some lines I wrote on him whilst I was his
Prisoner, which were these;
.pm start_poem
This Gaoler sure the Devil gave him birth,
For no such Fury hath his seat on Earth:
A Cannibal which eats the Flesh of Men,
And being gorged, spews than up again.
A Monster that the old World never knew,
Of late produc’d by a litigious crew,
Spawn of a Syren and Leviathan:
Part Fish, part Fowl, part Devil, and part Man.
He Swallows down the poor, as Crows do Frogs,
And makes no more of Men, than Men of Dogs.
The Pris’ner ends his days in toil and sweat,
To fill the Cabbins of his Cabbinet.
This Cash being ravisht from his reaking brow,
Will be all spent the Devil knows not how.
His Celler’s Hell, he lives by other’s sin,
And cares not who doth loose so he may win.
His Beds are dearer than a Bawdy-house,
There you may have a Whore, but here a Louse.
.bn 231.png
.pn +1
This is that Hell-hound for to sum up all,
Who is both Monster, Devil, and Canniball.
.pm end_poem
In this stinking place I stayed so long till I was
almost starved, yet though I had nothing to feed on,
I had daily a thousand which fed on me. The
Daughter of my merciless Creditor hearing the miserableness
of my condition gave me a visit, and supplyed
me with some Money for the present, and repeating
her visits, pity did at last turn into affection;
this Love soon seeded into Matrimony; for she was
her Mothers Darling, and could perswade her to
anything, and so it proved, for she so prevailed, that
I was discharged of my Debt, Fees paid, new Cloaths
bought, and we incontinently marryed. I knew her
to be a Whore, but necessity forced me to do what I
did, or I must have perisht.
My Wife on the Bridal night expected no new
thing from me, but a new fashioned duty; for she
told me, if I expected to command, I was grosly mistaken;
that she raised me not out of that Tomb I
must have lain buryed in to my lives end, for that
purpose, she knew how to rule her own affairs without
my assistance, however she could not but acknowledge
that man was a necessary implement in a
Family, if it were but to cloak his Wives imperfections;
To be short, Sir, I was only a Titular
master, but a real Pimp and Cuckold; I bore all
with a world of patience, still waiting an opportunity
to get what I could, and march off: which fell out
as happily as I could wish; for the House was noted
to be a place of debauchery, and whilst my mother in
Law was condemned for a damn’d Bawd, and my
Wife for an errant piece of , I was pityed
by all as one drawn in and undone by them both.
.bn 232.png
.pn +1
Officers in fine seised them; and carried them to
Bridewel, being both safe from interrupting my
fixed resolution, I ransackt the house, taking what
Moneys I found, and selling what would yield me
any, I betook my self to this place, the remoteness
whereof from my former habitation affording me a
very convenient refuge. Whilst I have been in these
parts I have not expended my time idly; for in Gaol
and elsewhere I have learned most knacks in playing
I have ever heard of, and have practiced them in
many places very advantagiously, for I was a while
of a Gang that stroled all the Countrey over, to all
the great Fairs in England, resorting thither as constantly,
as such Tradesmen who make it their business
to observe them, exercising their cheating faculties
on all they can pick up fit for their company:
the reason why they go three or four in Company,
is, that if any contest in playing should arise, or
any opposition should be made, they may be the better
able to defend their Roguery. Besides, if they should
miss of a prize, and be smoakt as Gamesters, they
are then strong enough for mischiefs of another nature,
as Padding, Ken-milling, &c. and indeed let
me tell you, there is no profest Villain which hath
not a very great insight in Gaming, and know not
only what advantages naturally accrue from every
Game, but know how to make them when occasion
shall require.
Since my coming hither I have very illy managed
my successes; for I have won too many times without
the interposition of one single loss of my own,
which hath raised in my Gamesters a suspition of
me not to be taken off; by which means I have lost
all future hopes of bubbling them any more; But
since, Sir, you stand fair in their good opinion, if
.bn 233.png
.pn +1
you please to let me share with you, I shall inform
you not only with my Art, but also furnish you with
Tools which shall effect our design and increase our
store. But before I shall encourage you to learn
that which I now propound for your profit, give me
leave to acquaint you with the inconveniencies, dangers,
and perplexities which attend Gaming, lest
hereafter you condemn me for your rash learning
that which you would have trampled under your
feet, had you known the many dangerous concomitants
which continually wait thereon.
To speak generally, Gaming is an enchanting
Witchery begot betwixt a couple of Devils, Idleness
and Avarice: it so infatuates man, that it renders
him incapable of his more serious affairs,
and makes him to quarrel with his condition though
ever so good: if he wins, the success so elevates him,
that his mad joys carry him to the height of all excesses;
if he loses, his misfortune plunges him to the
bottom of Despair. Oh how I have seen a man cast
up his eyes, as if he intended to call Heaven to account
for its injustice, in not giving him that Cast he so
much desires. Nay, I heard one of no small note in
an ordinary publickly invoke the Devil, (upon his
throwing at all, that is, all the men lies on the
Table) that he would turn up Five, which was his
Chance, and he should have his Soul for the next
throw, an expression enough to make the hair of the
vilest reprobate to stand on end.
It was said of one, that nec bonam, nec malam fortunam
ferre potest, that both in good and bad fortune
he was ever restles. Marcellus could neither be
quiet as Conquerour, nor overcome. Thus such is the
damn’d itch of Play, Gamesters are never satisfyed
winning or loosing, if they win, they hope to increase
.bn 234.png
.pn +1
their , if they loose their Money they hope to recover
it again.
The question was wittily propounded by one, whether
Men in a Ship at Sea were to be accounted inter
mortuos, vel vivos, among the living, or the dead,
because there were but few Inches between them and
drowning. The Quære is not improper to be made
of great Gamesters, though their Estates be never so
considerable, whether they are to be esteemed Divites
vel Pauperis, poor or rich, since there are but a few
Casts at Dice betwixt a person of Fortune, (in that
circumstance) and a Begger.
.tb
Now if you intend to be a Gamster, what ever your
success be, you must bear it æquo animo, neither raised
or depressed; but I will assure you that it is a difficult
matter so to do, for this course of life will try
your patience. Would it not mad you to have so
strange a fortune, as with a very small Sum to run
up to Eighteen hundred pounds, and loose it again
with his small stock in less than three days? I knew
one with Fifty Shillings, win Five hundred pounds
of his own at one time in his life, and thereupon putting
himself into a Garb not mis-becoming an Earl,
played again, the Dice ran against him, lost every
penny he had, or could borrow; hereupon he grew
stark mad, and hang’d himself in his own Bed-cord.
There are as many examples of this nature as would
stuff a Quire of Paper, and as many as would fill a
Ream of such who having had fair Estates, in few
years have lost them at Play, and dyed in want and
Penury. I have heard it credibly reported, that a
Gentleman belonging to the Six Clerks Office, , but had a good Estate of his
.bn 235.png
.pn +1
own, and by him always a considerable sum of Money;
this Gentleman was invited to play by some young
Gallants that had a great desire to be fingring his
Jacobus’s with whom he engaged, and by extraordinary
fortune won two thousand pieces of Gold,
was not content with that round sum, but plaid on,
lost all, with his own Estate, sold his place in the
Office; and lost that too; at last, through excessive
grief, he transported himself to a Forreign Plantation,
where, if his discontent dispatch him not, he
must be forced to Hoe for a livelihood. This commonly
is the destiny of a decayed Gamester, if not this,
he is seldom preferr’d higher than to the dignity
of a Box keeper.
Lastly, before you take the Dice in your hand,
think of drawing your Sword before you leave off
Playing; for should you play upon the Square, you
will be suspected by those that loose, you have knapt,
or put the change of the Dice upon them; then right
or wrong they will quarrel with you, more for the
vexation of the loss, than for any just cause they had
for so doing: If you do not fall together by the ears
then in the very heat, you will have affronts enough
to engage you in the Field next morning, upon some
trifling insignificant occasion, deem’d as a punctilio
of Honour, or else timely put up those abuses which
will occasion you to be scorn’d and slighted, and at
last pist on as you walk the streets by every Party
Coat coloured Skip-kennel.
.bn 236.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XVI.
.pm start_summary
An account of Play, with several remarkable Occurrences.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.4 0.7
Thus I have told you what you must expect, and
now I shall inform you what to do; but if e’re
you think to be complete in this occult Art, you must
by frequent trials reduce my Theory into your
Practice.
In the first place, take this as a Maxim, never Play,
but when you are sure to win and that you might not
fail thereof, have you Dice about you continually of
all sorts, which you may buy in London at several
places ready made to your hand, but very dear: It
may be when you are in the Countrey, you cannot
be supplied from thence so speedily as your urgent
affairs require, and therefore I would have you
make them your self.
There are Fullams of two sorts, which you may
make run high or low, that is, 6, 5, 4, or 3, 2, 1.
either by drilling holes in the black spots, and load
them with Quick-Silver, stopping up again the said
holes with Pitch, or filling the Corners of the Dice.
You may procure also, (which you must have Implements
as necessary in your intended Profession, as
Tools are for any working occupation) I say, there
are Dice which you may get, which will run nothing
but a Sise, another a Cinque, another a Quatre, &c.
which are very useful at Tables: for if you want
a Cinque, or so to enter at Back gammon or Irish,
hitting that Blot at an after-game, you recover again,
and ten to one but you win the Game; besides, it is
.bn 237.png
.pn +1
useful for a single Hit at Ticktack, or for taking
points, by joyning two together of a different sort.
In case of necessity if you have none of these artificial
helps about you, then your hand must supply
your wants, by Palming the Die; that is, having
your Box in your hand, you take up both the Dice as
they are thrown nimbly within the hollow of your
hand, and put but one into the Box, reserving the
other in your Palm, observing with a quick eye what
side was upward, and so accordingly conform the
next throw to your purpose, by delivering that in the
Box, and the other in your hand smoothly together.
You must sometimes use Topping; that is, by pretending
to put both Dice into the Box, whereas you
have dropt but one, holding the other between
your fore-fingers, which you turn to your advantage.
Knapping, is when you strike one Die
dead, either at Tables or Hazzard let the other
run a Milstone, as we use to say. Slurring, is when
you throw your Dice so smoothly on the Table that
they turn not, for which purpose you must endeavour
to choose your Table or the smoothest part thereof.
There are very few that can secure more than one
Die, but I have known some so excellent at it, that
they would slurr a Sise without turning above a yard
in length; others I have known, who could secure two
Dice in three at Passage, but that is seldom seen. I
have heard of some so dextrous in casting the Dice,
that they would throw when they pleased less than
Ames Ace, through the handle of a Quart Pot.
.tb
Hazzard, In and In, and Passage are the principal
Games in an Ordinary, you may find Professors enough
thereof every where else, wherefore it is requisite to pass
.bn 238.png
.pn +1
through these several Clashes for fear of being Cross-bitten
or bubbled by some other dexterity, of which
they have variety unimaginable. Hazzard, is a
Game that maketh a quick riddance on one side or
other, and therefore it hath not its name given improperly:
for it ruinateth speedily, in Setting or
Buttring (a term of art is used among us,) one or
other is blown up immediately.
A Main at Hazzard, is that cast of the Die which
is thrown first, but then it must be above Four, and
less than Ten, otherwise it is no Main; so that
hence you may understand there are five Mains, 5,
6, 7, 8, and 9, to these Mains there are seven Chances,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. , and Duce Ace,
are general outs or losses to them all; Eleven is out
to 5, 6, 8, or 9; Twelve is out to 5, 7, or 9; but it
nicks 6, or 8, as 11, doth 7, and so doth 5, nick 5, and
so on to 9; after the second throw, the cast that
comes first wins. At Hazzard the cunning Gamester
will pray it may be Quatre Ace against Cinque
Duce, or Tray Ace against Cinq Tray; you had
need be well verst before you meddle with this, it being
very hazzardous. Though twenty at a Table
set you, you may knock with your Box but at one,
and then all the rest draw their Money; as many
as you knock to you must pay if you loose; if you
throw at all, winning, you sweep all; O the sweet
that is in that throw, when a man upon the success
of that nick shall boldly cry more Money Gentlemen,
although the Table is covered with Half-Crowns.
If you sett, and the Caster refuse you, if another cover
you, and you accept theereof, it is one and the
same thing.
.tb
At In and In you play with four Dice, you may
.bn 239.png
.pn +1
drop from one shilling to a pound; In, is when any
two Doublets appear: Out, when none; In and In,
when three Aces, three Duces, &c. or four of one sort.
.tb
At Passage you are to play with three Dice; you
cannot Pass unless you throw Doublets above Nine,
less than nine you are out; all other throws signifying
nothing, you must thrown on. What other criticismes
and crotchets there are in these Games, you
cannot understand, otherwise than by observation in
your practice; but as I told you at first, it is best not
to meddle with it at all.
.tb
Hereupon my Gentleman took several Dice out
of his Pocket, and throwing them, I saw he could
make them run as he listed; my fingers itched
to be at the sport, so that I spent the most part
of every day in consulting what advantages I could
find out in Play: nay, in the very night I was never
at rest for dreaming of these confounded Devils
bones: the indefatigable pains I took (to find out
the ready way to my destruction,) made me speedily
an accomplisht Gamester; and to show my
Master how I had improv’d my self from his dictations,
I engaged with him at single hand, he entring
the List with me, found himself equally, if
not overmatcht.
Hereupon he perswaded me to study how I
might contrive an opportunity to Play, when at
one bout we might both sow and reap a plentiful
crop, that might help to a future maintenance.
The Plott I laid at a Gentlemans House five miles
distance from Salisbury, where I was invited to
be merry, with orders to bring what friends I
pleased with me; you may be sure I carried none
.bn 240.png
.pn +1
but what had Money enough, otherwise no company
for me. Being met together, we were very
jovial, and amidst our cups, I propounded to throw
with Dice, who should drink a Glass; it was
agreed on; being all half boozie, I made another
proposition to play at Hazzard round for a Crown
and no farther; this motion took as well as the
former, and to work we went.
To be short, I won all their Moneys, hardly
leaving our Entertainer a penny in the House;
and fearing he should recruit the next day, and
so farther engage me, my new Comrade perswaded
me to trip off, and share, for it was reasonable
he should go snips with me; I therefore
caused my Horse to be brought forth, and notwithstanding
the many thousand perswasions to the
contrary, (rewarding the Servants) I took my
leave of them, promising to give what Revenge
they pleased the next day, but that was none of
our intent, for early the next morning, we with
our booty rode for London.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XVII.
.pm start_summary
They go for London, one is apprehended and the
other in his flight casually doth two or three mischiefs;
the strange discovery of a Murther of
seventeen years standing.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
Here puft up with good fortune, we scattered
our Moneys up and down the City,
trampling the streets in terrour and huffing after
a strange rate: but coming along by South-Hampton
Building an aged Matron seized on my Elbow-shaking
Companion, crying out this is the Rogue
.bn 241.png
.pn +1
that robb’d me; I hearing that betook my self to
my heels fearing lest being found in his company,
I might be taken up for his accounts in the Theft.
I made more hast than good speed it seems, for
in my flight I bore down all that opposed me;
insomuch that a poor Woman with a basket of
Eggs standing in my way, I overthrew her and
breaking her Eggs utterly undid the Woman, her
whole stock consisting in that basket. A fellow
seeing this endeavoured to lay hold on me, but I
struggling to disingage my self from him pusht him
forward on his Nose and falling, fell into an old
Womans deep Codling Pan up to the Armpits,
it being almost full of newly scalded apples, never
was Codlings so handled, nor man so becodled as
he was, the almost boyling water so tormented
him, that he roared as bad as the fellow which was
inclosed in Phalarus his Bull; fearing the mischief
I had done I added new wings to my
speed, but not looking before me, I ran directly
against a Ladder in my way, on which there was
a labouring man carrying up Morter to the top,
but he was stopt in his intent, for though he went
up by the Ladder, he came down without a Roop,
his Morter falling on the heads of four finical Gentlewomen
as they past by, who now might properly
be called Morter-Pieces, the Ladder fell easily and
gradually from the house to a Sign Post, the Man
holding fast by one of the rounds, this while receiving
little or no dammage, to the wonder and
astonishment of all the Spectators. However I
was detain’d, and none coming against me, nor
accusing me for anything but the Woman with her
Eggs, and the old Woman for the dammage she
had sustained by the mashing of her Codlings; the
.bn 242.png
.pn +1
fellow for being scalded by them, and this man
that charged me most with supposition of loosing
his life by my means I was dismist, giving to each
what satisfaction I Judged convenient.
What became of my Come-at seven I know not,
but glad I was to be clear’d from this fright: thus
it is to have a guilty Conscience; a man I have
heard of, who flew in a Moon-shine night from his
own shaddow, thinking it to be a Devil that haunted
his wicked carcass: Another more remarkable
I have heard much talk of, who having murdered
a man in London, fled into Forreign Parts, and
living to and fro eighteen years, returning home
again as he walked one day through Cheap-side,
he heard a cry behind him, stop him, stop him,
seeing a great quantity of People making towards
him, presently fell a running with all the speed he
could, the rabble seeing two run as if it were for
their lives, divided themselves and in their pursuit
they took the Thief they chiefly run after,
and seizing the Gentleman who run they knew not
for what, he cryed out, pray be civil Gentlemen
it is confest I am the man; upon farther enquiry
found him from his own mouth to be a Murderer
of near twenty years standing.
Gaming had so general a possession of me, that
I could think of nothing else, and because I could
not always meet in my ramble in the City with
such as suited my purpose: I frequented ordinaries
where I never mist of good chear, nor variety
of Company. For about one of the Clock you
are sure to have an excellent dinner provided by
way of ordinary; where you shall have so many
choice dishes and wine, that the Master is always
a looser in his entertainment what cares he for
.bn 243.png
.pn +1
that? the box shall make all good again. Gentlemen
of quality and civility frequent this Table,
and after dinner will play a while for Recreation
moderately and commonly without deserving reproof,
but the generality of such as meet there are
Wit-shifters. Some have frequented the house
to eat only there being such excellent provision,
and cheaper than they can get elsewhere, and
never play at all only look on, but being once taken
notice of they shall have small encouragement
to come again.
Here I came acquainted and did so commonly
frequent all houses of this function, that I shall
endeavour to give you an account of what I either
acted or observed in the time of my converse
amongst these Esquires of the Elbow.
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XVIII.
.pm start_summary
He here discovers the cheats of Gameing, the Nature
and quality of an Ordinary, relating what manner
of Persons they are which frequent it, with
many pleasant stories intermixt, with a dehortation
from playing at Dice.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
All the day long there is not much playing
in an Ordinary, what there is, is amongst
Gentlemen and the more civiliz’d sort of Persons,
but towards Night these Houses are throng’d with
People of all sorts and qualities and then when
ravenous Beasts usually seek their prey, there
comes in Shoals of Hectors, Trappanners, Guilts,
Pads, Biters, Priggs, Divers, Lifters, Kidnappers,
Vouchers, Mill-Kens, Decoys, Shop-lifters,
Foilers, Bulkers, Droppers, Ramblers, Dounakers
.bn 244.png
.pn +1
and Crosbyters, &c. All these may be ranked
under the general appellation of Rooks, this is the
Field where the seed of Hemp is sown, and grows
till the Gallows groans for it, this is Tyburns
Nursery, for yearly some or other of this cursed
gang go thither.
The first day I entred this School of Vertue, I
commenced Master of Arts, and would not easily
be confuted with their Sophistry, but when young
Gentlemen Prentices or Casheers come hither
unskil’d in the quibbles and devices here practised
they call him a Lamb, then straitways a
Rook (or more properly a Wolf) follows him
close, and engages him in advantagious betts, and
at length worries him, that is he so fleeceth him
as not to leave him a penny, and then the snearing
dogs will laughingly say see the Lamb is
bitten.
Some of these Rooks or Rogues if they perceive
you to be full of Money, though they never
saw you before, will impudently and importunately
strive to borrow Money of you without
the least intention of repaying, if you should be
so facile as to do it, or to go with you when you
are playing at Hazzard seven to twelve half a
crown, which is more then ten to one if you deny
them their unreasonable request, you shall find
them sometimes very angry. Others will watch
when you are serious at your Game whether your
Sword hangs loose behind that they may lift that
away, others will not scruple if they find an opportunity
to pick your pocket directly, if these
projects fail, then have at your Gold Buttons, if
you have any on your Cloak, or steal the Cloak
it self, if it either lye loose or careless. But above
.bn 245.png
.pn +1
all they have a trick you cannot avoid, which is
to throw at your Money with a dry Fist (as they
term it) that is if they nick you (id est win) ’tis
theirs, if they loose they owe you so much, if you
demand your money they will peremptorily tell
you anon will serve turn, and then it may be a
Rascally Boxkeeper that usually snips with him,
shall excuse him, saying he is a very honest Gentleman,
Sir you need not mistrust him, whereas
he knows no body will trust him with a Newgate
groat, if you chance to nick them, its ten to one
but they will wait your coming out at night and
beat you soundly.
I saw a couple of blades (Gentilely garb’d) enter
one evening the Ordinary; they were lookers
on a while, at length there being a vacant Room,
one of them pulls the chair and sits down, as the
box came still round he passed it, doing it so
often said one angerly, if you will not throw sir
what sit you there for? hereupon he snatcht up
the box, saying, set me what you will Sir I will
throw at it, the other hearing him say so, did set
him two Guinneys, which he nickt, the Gentleman
being vext did set him four more, with a
round parcel of Silver, which he won also. Now
did the whole Table concern themselves buttering
him, that is, doubling or trebbling what they
did set before, yet could not turn his hand, which
was so successful that he held in eleven mains together,
and just as he had almost broke the Table
he chanc’t to throw out, having got his hat full
of Money he arose from the Table and went to
the fire with his Comrade, who asked him how
he durst be so impudently bold to adventure
after that manner knowing he had not a Cross
.bn 246.png
.pn +1
about him to bless himself with all; how is that
said one of the loosers who overheard what was
said, had you no Money when you went to play,
it matters not replied the winner I have enough
now, had I lost having not wherewithal to pay you,
why then ye must have been content to kick me
so long till ye should say yourselves ye were satisfied;
besides Sir I am a Souldier, and have past
through many a brunt, venturing my life hard for
eight pence a day, and do you think now I would
not hazard a kicking or a pumping for so many
fair pounds, all that were there concerned smiled
at his confidence, but he laught heartily at their
folly and his own good fortune. Well may he
laugh that wins.
Did you but see what passions and how divers
effects do vary men into several postures, you
would absolutely conclude the place to be Bedlam
instead of an Ordinary; you may observe one
loosing to gnaw the box in pieces, or take the sawcer
of Dice and throw it over his head, whilst the
winning caster smiles and is merry as a Bee, another
you may see who hath lost all his Money, standing
like Pontius Pilate in the old Primmer, or
like some antick figure in a suit of hangings as
motion less and almost as liveless.
A Gentleman I took notice of one day, who
loosing (what moneys he had about him) sate
very pensively, in steps a young blade in this interval
and briskly took up the box, but it came
not to his hands above thrice, before he had lost
all he had brought in with him, which so inraged
the Noddy that he behaved himself like a meer
frantick Fellow, swearing Damme was not I a
villain in less than an hour to loose four pounds,
.bn 247.png
.pn +1
this melancholly person hearing him swear and
fret for a sum so inconsiderable to what he had
lost, Damm you (said he) Damme that have lost
fourscore pounds in half an hour, it seems the
greater looser thought it a piece of injustice the
lesser should be damn’d before him. Frequent
are the quarrels in this place occasioned by the
heat of Wine before they came in or by loss made
chollerick afterwards; Swords commonly drawn,
or boxes and Candlesticks thrown at one anothers
heads; sometimes the Rooks will raise a seeming
feud (especially when their stocks are low) when they
see a Table covered with money, which may give
them an occasion to scramble; such are the usual
garboyls in this place that they form a perfect
type of Hell.
I cannot forbear smiling when I think of a certain
passage one time at an Ordinary. A
who was well stored with Gold played high,
and in a little time had not one penny left he first
splits the Box, & then Box the Box-keeper, having
so done, takes off his own hat from his head
which was black, dame, said he, who dares say
this hat is not white, he is a son of a whor that
will not say so, the standers by seeing his loss had
made him mad, replyed not a word; he perceiving
on the other side that none would quarrel with
him, seats himself, and fell fast asleep; another
Gentleman who had lost as much or more than
the former came to him who slept, and awakeing
him, what is that you said Sir, is your black hat
white, it’s a damn’d lye, I say it’s blew, deny it if
you dare. The Gentleman was well pleased to
see one madder then himself, and therefore without
passion desired him to go and sleep as he had
done, and on his awaking they should not differ
.bn 248.png
.pn +1
about the colour, into what frenzies do these
damn’d Dice put men into?
When late at night and the Company grows thin
and your eyes dim with watching, then is the time
for false Dice to be put on the ignorant, then also is
there a security in, Palming, Topping, Slurring, &c.
There are a certain sort of gentle and subtle
Rooks whose outside speaks as much a Gentleman
as most of the first magnitude. This Cunningham
seldom plays in an Ordinary, yet will sit
there a whole evening to the intent he may observe
who winns, if considerable, and the winner
seem Plyable, generous, and Bubbable, he will
some way or other insinuate into his acquaintance
by applauding his happy hand, congratulating his
success &c. and then familiarly, yet civily prompt
him to a glass of Wine that they may drink to
the continuance of that good fortune.
Having gotten him to the Tavern he is sure to
wheadle him into Play, and by hook or by crook
(as we use to say) he is sure to winn some if not
all his money; and that he may not be suspected
for not playing squarely he will (if he be sure of
his bubble) loose considerably sometimes, but in
the long run he is sure to recover it again. I was
several times so served but they could do no good
upon me; yet notwithstanding that by my frequent
practice I had gain’d a great deal of skill
and crafty knowledge in the Dice, I lost, spent,
and consumed all my moneys, and therefore I
shall advise all to detest this abominable kind of
life; if the most certain loss of your money will
do it: I do undertake to demonstrate that any
one with constant play upon the square shall be
looser at the years end. I have heard it very confidently
aver’d by an eye witness that three Gentlemen
.bn 249.png
.pn +1
sate down at twelve penny Inn and Inn;
each of them drew three pound a piece in two houres
time, the box had four pounds of the money.
And that I may further perswade all men from
gaming, consider how few there are if any who
have gotten an Estate by play, but how many
thousand antient and worthy families have been
ruined and destroyed thereby. It is confest there
is no constant gamester but at one time or other
hath a considerable run of winning; but such is
the infatuation of play, that I could never hear
of any that could give over when they were
well. I have known those have gotten many
hundreds of pounds, and have rested a while
with an intention never to play more; but by
over perswasion, having broke bulk, as they
term it, were in again for all and lost it.
Besides if a man hath a good parcel of money
’tis extreme folly to play whether himself or
another shall be possessor thereof; if his stock be
small it is downright madness to hazard that the
loss whereof shall reduce a man to beggery.
Moreover if you were but sensible of the anguish
that is upon that mans spirit the next morning,
having slept upon the loss of his money now irrecoverable,
it would deter any one from ever medling
with the cursed cause of so much vexation and
trouble; what I now say is the product of wofull
experience.
.ce
————Experto credo Roberto.
To conclude, having lost all my money, I began to
grow miserably poor, to prevent the further increase
of my wants I sought out my old Master whom I
found upon the Royal Exchange, upon our going off
.bn 250.png
.pn +1
for joy to see me, carryed me to a Tavern where
I acquainted him with all my Land Travels since
my leaving him, and assuring him I was weary
of living longer ashore, he advised me to go with
him, and he would make me his mate, I gladly
contented and in that quality I sail’d with him
for Guinney.
Our Captain had thus far proceeded in recounting
the memorable passages of his life, as we were
making ready to cast Anchor, we being at that
time not above a league from Naples overjoy’d at
the succesfulness of this our petty Voyage, we made
ourselves all ready to go ashore; landing, our greatest
care was to get convenient Lodgings, with some difficulty
we obtain’d them, and having settled our
selves in them, immediately got our Bills of Exchange
accepted, till they came due we fitted our
selves with all things both necessary and pleasurable,
yet for some important Reasons for a while we laid
an imbargo on our accustomed profest Extravagancies,
keeping a strict rein on our head-strong wills
and desires, but having received our Money we no
longer dallied with our delights, but gave them
leave to court us in what pleasant shapes they
judged most convenient for our satisfaction.
Every day produced its new divertisement,
every hour each of us studied how we might appear
Rivals to the most Epicurean critical pallated
Poleanate of the Universe, for since we were sailing
in the Ocean of Senseless Security under a stiff
gale of Plenty, we shaped our course for the Port
of Sensuality. The time being expired we had
our Money paid us to a Doit, with as much respect
as if we had been the greatest Merchants
in Europe, desiring our further acquaintance and
.bn 251.png
.pn +1
correspondence, which we promised not so much
to traffick with them as to play some tricks upon
them.
As our Lodgings were large and sumptuous
sparing no cost for their furniture, so were our habits
very rich (modo Neapolitano) wearing about
us as many precious stones dayly as would have
been a good return for a young Merchant after a
three years sweating expectation: the gloriousness
of our outward appearances made us no less
a wonder to the Neapolitan Inhabitants than we
were to our selves, for we now began to admire
one another having totally forgotten what once
we were. Mr. Goose-quill the Scrivener strutted the
Streets strangely whose garb and gait flourisht
like the Capital T of This Indenture, the state of
his present Condition made him receive many an
Obligation, which he always generously cancel’d
and continually obliged others on valuable considerations.
The Drugster notwithstanding all his
striving, to seem otherwise, yet still showed himself
to be a Chip of the old Block, a rasp of Log-wood,
and scented strongly of his old occupation. His
habit prompted him to personate the Spaniard;
which he did so scurvily that never did thing appear
more prepostorous, had you seen him walk
you would have sworn all his Members were in an
uprore or about to revolt from their Principal; for
his Whiskers tilted his eyes, and they again being
inraged to be confined within such narrow limits
by their staring seemed to strive to come out that
they might check the insolency of that audacious
beard; and as for his arms and legs there was not
the least correspondency; for his hands were in a
continual motion being every minute imploy’d in
.bn 252.png
.pn +1
cocking his Beaver upon one side, but his legs
moved so slowly and stately, that they seemed to
be offended at their slavish Office, showing their
loathness by their slowness to be Porters to a
burden of so little worth. Doll as she had been
conversant amongst the Gentry, so in her deportment
she behaved her self as well as any of the
best education; but for Jenny I could hardly
forbear laughing, to see how the proud Minks
would jut it as she went, her Milking-Pail, and
dragled tail, were clean out of her remembrance,
so was her being a Motly-Wast-coteer, there being
not the least track of her former condition discoverable,
she resolved to make others esteem of
her by the value she did put on her self, not rating
her condition as she was the quondam off-spring
of Curds and Cream, but prizing it as one of
Fortunes darlings, whom neither Cloaths nor
Money could make more splendid, and as for an
haughty spirit now unmatchable; I took upon
me (as well I thought I might) to check her for
giving six hundred Crowns for a Locket, she
smartly took me up, what said she though I was
born in the Ebb of Fortune, will you now intrench
and wound the liberty my better stars
have conferred upon me? To be plain I will not
have my desires and pleasures circumscribed and
taught me since I have enough and will enjoy it.
Sir if you once begin to be narrow minded, you
will be a Thief both to the esteem and enjoyment
you may have in the world, I will not be limited
to please your fancy as for my delights I will
pursue them in what shapes I fancy both at home
and abroad, I will spare no cost that may engage
wide mouth’d report to proclaim the boundlessness
.bn 253.png
.pn +1
of my pleasures and gallantry; all the Wits
of the City I will ingage with Sack and Money
to write Panegyricks on my Gaudy and Witty
superfluities, not a Cavaleero in Naples, but shall
vail his bonnet at my Balcony, and when I please
the splendor of my habit shall fix my Gazers as
Statues in the place they stand. I thought she
was mad till she smilingly took me by the hand,
saying you see Latroon I have a Soul as if Nobility
had waited on my Cradle, however, my
will shall alwayes be in subordination to yours.
.tb
As for the Captain he was a Man well read,
and having seen the world, the novelty of a place
never alter’d him, he had a good natural genius,
and very facetious in discourse which appears sufficiently
by the witty narrative of his Life, the
relation whereof, did infinitely please us, but most
especially my Jenny, who would often repeat to
me some passages, but one day after dinner being
altogether she took occasion to speak of the Captains
gaming and other Extravagancies, and having
drawn several good Observations from them,
she desired the Company to give her audience,
and she would give an account of a notable Extravagant,
a young Man of her acquaintance, but
as an introduction to her story, she begg’d leave
to speak something of his Father first, and thus
she began.
.bn 254.png
.bn 255.png
.il fn=i_242fp.jpg w=283px ew=70%
.bn 256.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XIX.
.pm start_summary
A Brewers-Clerk cheating his Master, is taken in
the manner: Afterwards, he having buried his
Master, by a politick Project is married to his
Mistress; he buries her, and is married to a
Countrey-maid; who understanding her Husbands
Riches, puts him to great expences in
new furnishing the House, and extravagantly
fitting her against, and in her lying in.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
I Remember (said Mrs. Jane) when I lived in
London, there was a jolly old Blade, who was
then the Aldermans Deputy of the Ward, and
who was reported to be worth the better part of
10000 lib. that had in his youth been a notable
Gamester, and many tricks he had used before his
Mercury was fix’d, and became settled in the
World. He had Travelled and Rambled many
years by Sea and Land, and had tried and tasted
all Fortunes and Conditions; and Fortune had
alwayes been so much his friend, as to bring him
off without a scratch’d face, no great, no sensible
disaster; at length, being somewhat weary of the
Ramble, he resolved to take up and follow some
imployment. He was fitted for any imployment,
and yet not rightly fitted for none. But
being of a good Capacity, he was entertained by
a Brewer to be his desperate Clerk, that is to
say, to gather up the desperate Debts. This was
an Imployment very fit for him, for it gave him
large convenience to Ramble; for the Brewer,
who had been a great dealer, had Money oweing
him by several people, some whereof lived at one
end of the Town, and some at the other; so that
all parts of that great City, especially the out-parts,
his business lay in. He discharged this imployment
.bn 257.png
.pn +1
indifferently well, for his Masters profit,
and very well for his own; for he had power
if he could not get all, to compound with any of
the debtors for a part. And although his allowance,
being three shillings in the pound, was considerable,
yet he much augmented it by the tricks
he had; for although he received a Debt of five
pound or more, he would tell his Master, that he
could get but half; and sometimes, although
he received all, yet he would keep all to himself;
and by this means he raised to himself a pretty
fortune: and these tricks were usual with him,
especially if the people with whom he made this
profitable Bargain lived remote, or at any considerable
distance from his Masters habitation.
Among others that he thus compounded with,
there was an honest old Blade who lived near the
Tower, and had run 10 lib. in his Master the
Brewers debt; and through some misfortunes that
had befallen him, he left that end of the Town,
and went to dwell as far as St. James’s near Westminster;
some while he had dwelt there without
being known or inquired after; and now our
Clerk being imployed to look after him, among
others, was upon the hunt to find him: upon a
strict and diligent inquiry, he heard that he
dwelt at St. James’s. Wherefore the next time
his occasions call’d him that way, he there inquired
for him; after much inquiring, he heard
that the party had lived there, but was removed
to Clarkenwel; he therefore went thither, and
there, with as much trouble as before, he again
heard that he had dwelt there, but he had some
time since removed from thence to Lyme-house;
he made the same inquiry, and still heard of
another removal to Lambeth; and I think from
.bn 258.png
.pn +1
thence to two or three places; but in fine, he
found him, but it was in Redriff.
Having found out his Game, he strongely
charged him with the Debt aforesaid, and was
resolved that as he had taken so much pains, that
the poor man should pay for it; poor man you
must judge him to be, for it was impossible he
should be rich, that had in seven years made
so many removes. The money being demanded,
poverty was pleaded; but he was deaf on that
ear, and was resolved not to lose his labour. In
conclusion, the man being honest, was content to
pay, and that all too, provided he might have
time to do it; to this our Clerk was pretty wiling,
and an agreement was made up, to pay the
money by half a Crown a week. The man, although
he sometimes missed, yet when the Clerk
came and received not the money, he was to
spend 4d. and when he did pay, the Clerk agreed
to spend 2d. so that the Clerk seldom or never
missed to come and visit his Debter once every
week; and the poor man seeing that if he did
not pay him two shillings six pence, it was to his
dammage 4d. seldom miss’d him; and thus in
time, the Debt was paid, and the Clerk, in his
Matters behalf, gave a discharge.
But all this while his Master the Brewer knew
nothing of this matter, neither did his man
intend he should; for as he had taken extraordinary
pains in finding him out, so he was resolved
to have extraordinary gains, and indeed,
all for himself; and thought and judged
that as he had oftentimes kept all for himself,
so he might well do so now; for he
believed although his Master should go to some
Cunning-man, or the Devil himself, to find this
.bn 259.png
.pn +1
man who had so often removed his habitation,
yet he must loose his labour; and it being usual
with him when People were not to be found, to
write in the Margin of the Book where their
Debts were entred, Non est inventus; and when
they were dead, and there was no possibility of
getting anything of them, to write Mortuus est,
so that now he concluded that this fellow was so
far from being found, that he might write Mortuus
est, and so he did in the Book aforesaid. His
Master had oftentimes looked over the Book, and
seeing those fatal words in the Margin, had passed
that Debt over, as he had done several others
with the same mark. But as the Proverb saith,
that the Pitcher goes not so often to the water, but
that it comes home broken at last; so, although
this our desperate Clerk had played many of
these pranks, and that without discovery, yet now
his time was come, and this business shewed him
in his colours.
This poor man, who I told you, lately lived at
Rederiff, had now made another remove, and
from thence was come again to St. Katharines
(which was near the Brewers habitation) and he
having been so honest as to pay the old Debt, was
resolved to try if his Credit would serve for a new:
wherefore having taken a new House, fitting for
the Ale-draping-Trade, he went one Morning to
the Brew-house; and having no acquaintance
there with any body but our desperate Clerk; he
inquired for him, but although he was there early,
he was never the nerer, for the Clerk was gone
out; and the old fellow sauntring about the yard,
at length the Brewer himself came out, and seeing
one waiting there, and as he supposed about
business too, he asked him if he would speak with
any body; the Fellow replyed yes, with his
.bn 260.png
.pn +1
Clerk; which of them, said the Brewer? Mr. R.
said the Fellow; the Brewer telling him that he
was not within, and asking him if he could not
do his business; yes, if you please Sir, replied the
Fellow: Well then, what is it, said the Brewer:
May it please you, Sir, I am an old Customer,
saith the Fellow, and have long time dealt with
you: and although I have been absent a great
while, yet I have been honest, and will be so still;
and being come to live near you, I desire you to
let me have some more drink: Well Friend, what
is your name, said the Brewer: J. B. said the
Fellow. How long since did you deal with me,
said the Brewer: Ten years, replyed the Fellow:
Whereupon the Brewer calling for his Book,
looked over, and at length found it, but found it
marked with a Mortuus est: how now, said he
then, is your name J. B. and are you alive. Yes,
Sir, said the Fellow, your Clark knows me; for
I have paid him truly and honestly, and not long
since he received the last.
The Brewer hearing him say so, and now discovering
the whole story, and his Clerks knavery,
told the man that he would send him in some
Drink, but withal ordered him to come the next
morning about 9 a Clock. But before that time,
about 8, he took his Clerk to task, and pretending
to look over his Book in general, made several
stops and asked questions, but more particularly
when he came to this Debt; and he asking
if he never received any money of him; No,
Sir, said the Clerk, I could never find him; and
at length I did hear of him, but Mortuus est, Sir,
He’s dead long since. Are you sure of it, replyed
the Brewer: Yes, Sir, said the Clerk, I am certainly
sure of it; what I have writ there is infallible:
.bn 261.png
.pn +1
But I doubt it will not prove so, said the
Master; and thereupon, seeing the Customer
come in, he said, look, sure this is he, or his
Ghost. Our Clerk too well knowing the matter,
and that it was so apparent, knew not what to
say or do, but knowing that he was in a fault,
and caught too, and being guilty of many more
such tricks, and doubting they would all come
out, cryed Peccavi, and desired Pardon: but his
Master believing him to be more Knave than he
yet knew, told him his thoughts, and (withal)
that he would lay him Jayl. The Clerk hearing
that lamentable word, told his Master he would
prevent him by drowning himself; and thereupon
the house being by the water-side, he ran
thither, in order to his resolution. The Brewer
hearing the Clerks resolution of drowning himself,
and doubting that he might be so desperate as to
do so, sent after him to stop and hinder him; for
he considered that he should not only be somewhat
guilty of his death, but also loose by it, for
he had all his Books and Tallies about him; and
if he should miscarry, he was not able to prove
many debts that were owing to him, wherefore
he not only saved his life, but told him, he forgave
him that misdemeanor, and would not ask
him any satisfaction, whereupon he rested contented:
But this miscarriage of his was such a
blot in his Scutchion, that he was called Mortuus
est, to his dying day.
But thus as he had over-reached, out-witted,
or, I may truly say, Cheated his Master the
Brewer, so he did, after him deal with his Mistress,
but after a different manner: for his Master
soon after dying, and leaving a plentiful Estate,
.bn 262.png
.pn +1
and only a Widow to enjoy it; she knowing her
Clerks abilities were sufficient, and now not
doubting his honesty, gave him a very large allowance,
and made him chief Clerk, and Overseer
of all, he being in this high employment, was
somewhat covetous, but more ambitious, and these
two passions raised another, which he termed
Love; and who should he be in Love with but
his Mistress: and as he was her Overseer, so he
intended to be her Husband. Before he had
the confidence to court her, he pretended to the
Servants and others, that he did so, and this was
out of Pollicie to hinder the Courtships of all
others. So that by that time his Mistress understood
and knew his pretensions, all others did
talk of the time of his Marriage: One, in his fancie,
appointing at such a time, and another at
such a time: so that he letting his Mistress know
his passion, as he termed it, she heard that all her
Servants, nay, and some of her Friends talked so
freely of it, as if they seemed to allow of it.
.tb
She was much troubled at the boldness of her
Servant, and forbid his prosecution of his Suit,
telling him that he shall lose his labour; but he,
now he was in, was resolved to go through with
his bold undertaking, persevered in it, and used
all the Courtships that were usual on that account.
It was his place to receive and pay all
Moneys, so that all the Servants both men and
women, came to him for their wages; and he
giving them a cast in his Office, and using them
courteously, they dealt with and for him accordingly;
besides this, he had bestowed some moneys
and presents on the Chamber-maid, who
.bn 263.png
.pn +1
had promised to be at his direction, and to stand
his friend in every thing; and indeed she used all
her little Rhetorick in his behalf.
He being still refused by his Mistress, was resolved
to hazzard all at once, and therefore he
caused the Chamber-maid to tell it as a secret
that two dayes after that, he was to be married to
her Mistress: All the Servants told it to one another
whisperingly, and together they provided a
noise of Musick to welcome him up on the next
Morning: He having thus laid his Plot, and the
time being come, about five of the Clock of the
next morning after his pretended Wedding-day,
by the Chamber-maids connivance he got into
his Mistresses Bed-Chamber; and he had not
staid there long, but the Musick coming under
the Chamber window, tuned their instruments,
and struck up a lusty measure: his Mistress being
awaked at the noise, cried out, and asked,
what is the matter? He being in his Night-Cap,
and without a Doublet in his shirt, drawing the
Curtains, told her, that the matter she should presently
hear: She seeing him in the chamber, and
in that posture, wondring at the occasion, called
out for the Maid; who although she was near
enough, yet would not hear her; she believing that
she was betrai’d, thought to cry out, and began
to do so, but could not be heard for the noise of
the Musick. By this time the Musicians had
finished their first tune, and then, as usual, they
cryed out, Good Morrow, Mr. Bride-groom;
Good Morrow Mrs. Bride, Heavens give you joy.
What Bride, and Bridegroom, do they mean,
said the Woman. Why, said he, they mean us
two; for it having been strongly reported
.bn 264.png
.pn +1
that we were married yesterday, the Musick are
come this Morning to play us up, and truly, continued
he, I was just now informed of it, and
hoping it is by your appointment; and that at
length you intend it shall be so, I am come to
try your disposition: and thereupon he forced a
Kiss from her; and said, Madam, will you be
pleased to own this Wedding? No, said she, nor
you neither: Then I will, said he; and thereupon
the Musick having now plaid another Lesson, he
in that posture threw them out of the window
four half-Crown-pieces; and standing in that
posture for some time, shewed himself, and spake
to the Servants and others that were there assembled.
And now the Musick having plaid their
last Lesson, saluting him with a Thank you Mr.
Bridegroom, they departed. He now coming to
the bed-side, sat down by his Mistress, and told
her, All her people had shewed themselves joyful
in his supposed happiness, and that therefore he
hoped she would really make him so, by doing
that in earnest, that all the World thought was
so; and, said he, do you say what you will, it
will be thought that it is so, and that I have lain
all this Night in your Chamber.
She would not answer him one word, so pensive
she was, in considering what had hapen’d; but at
length she told him, that if yet he would obey
her in any thing, she desired him to call her Maid;
he who knew that the Maid would not prejudice
him, soon called her; and she was no sooner
come into her Mistresses sight, but she cryed out,
Oh Lord, Mistress, how joyful I am; at what,
replyed the Mistress; that you and Mr. R. are
marryed; why, who tells you so, said the Mistress?
.bn 265.png
.pn +1
All the World, said the Maid, not only
our family but all the street know it, and the
Musick too thankt you for your liberal rewarding
them. The Mistress hearing that the Maid was
of this mind, did believe that she said true, and
that all the Town would ere long be of her
opinion; wherefore chiding her Maid for leaving
the door open, and telling her, that although all
the world did, or might believe that she was married,
yet she could say, and swear the contrary,
for that she had been her Bed-fellow that night;
and therefore, said she, I expect that you will go
and undeceive them, and tell them so. The Maid
replyed, that although she knew what she said was
true, yet she wished it were otherwise; and added,
that Mr. R. was more fit to be her Bed-fellow than
she was. Well, well, Gossip, replied the Mistress,
then you must appoint me what to do. No, answered
the Maid, but I only tell you my opinion.
No more, said the Mistress, and thereupon was a
great silence between them. But Mr. R. being
resolved to try her a little further, made a sign to
the Maid to leave the Chamber; she obey’d him,
and he then again fell to wooing it with his Mistress;
who although she gave him no answer for
a long time, yet she thought the more and paid
it with thinking, and considering the case truly as
it stood in every respect, he over-ruled and overcame
her; whether he gave her then an earnest
penny (as he was like enough to do) or no, I know
not; but he keeping her company for some hours,
and by her consent getting a Coach, he clapt her
into it; and going to the next Church, sent for a
Parson, and there that was done in earnest, that
had been so well presented in jest; and the next
.bn 266.png
.pn +1
night he did lie with her; and that he might be
sure to have Witnesses of his being in bed with her,
several of their acquaintance were admitted into
the Chamber.
.tb
By this device (said Mrs. Mary) did this Clerk
get him a Wife, and an Estate to boot, and that a
very considerable one, which he looked after warily
and carefully; and as an old Whore-master is the
fittest person to make a Justice of the Peace, to
punish that in others which he by experience
knows more than ordinary, or for envy that he
cannot prosecute his old courses. So this Clerk
having been a sinner, and having been guilty of
cheating his Master, was now too cunning to suffer
any of his Under-Officers to serve him in the same
manner. And he so well followed this course, that
he became Rich; and when his wife died, which
was some years after, he had scraped such an
Estate together, that he was looked upon to be
one of the most considerable persons in the Parish.
His Wife being dead, and he being now an old
Fox, was resolved to be wary in his second choice,
and to have both pleasure and profit: and not
having any Children by his old Wife, intended to
have one that might be in possibility of bringing
those that might Heir his Estate.
He therefore putting himself into as youthful a
habit as he could, woed several Maids of good
birth and Quality; and in the end, the London
Lasses not fitting his humour, as being too wantonly
and tenderly bred, and therefore proud and
chargeable, he went into the Countrey, where he
found one, who not being above four and twenty
years of age, well bred, and one who had 400 lib.
to her portion, and was sufficiently handsom; to
.bn 267.png
.pn +1
this Maiden thus qualified, he being now sixty
years of Age was marryed: she at first proved to
be what he expected, an obedient and loving
wife; but in short time, understanding her Husbands
Quality, that he was the chiefest man in
the Parish, and thereby understanding her own,
and being visited by, and visiting of her Neighbours,
and seeing their manners and customes,
their entertainments, habits, houshold-stuff and
other Ornaments for themselves and houses, and
believing that they were below her in Quality, it
was not long ere she by their example desired,
nay demanded the like; she would frequently
tell her Husband, that she had been at such a
Neighbours, and there saw such and such a suit
of Curtains and Vallence which were better and
more in fashion than hers; and when by her perswasions
or flattery she had obtained the like,
then she complained that the Bed-stead was an
old-fashion’d one, and that must be changed:
next, that she must have new Chairs and Stools
suitable to the Curtains; and then she rested not
there, until she had gotten a new suit of hangings
suitable to the Curtains and Stools; and now she
stopp’d in her expences that way, but exceeded
in another; for this new Furniture being had, all
her Neighbours, Friends, and Acquaintance must
be invited, one after another, to her house to
see what an alteration she had made, and
to have their opinions how they liked them.
And these Friends must be treated with Wine
and Junckets, and their Opinions being asked, one
said, that indeed all was well, but that the Looking-glass
she had was unsuitable, and an old pittiful
thing, and therefore a new one must be had; another
found fault with the brass Andirons in the Chimney,
.bn 268.png
.pn +1
and that all that furniture must be changed;
and a third said, there wanted a handsom Cabinet
or Chest of Drawers: and now she had the opinion
of her Neighbours, she never let her Husband rest,
night or day, till all these things were done as she
desired. The Chamber being thus set in order,
the Kitchen was the next thing to be considered
of, and there the Pewter first appeared, and that
being old-fashioned, and being purchased at several
times, was all differently marked; wherefore
all that was changed for other that was of a
newer fashion; and that she might be a-la-mode,
there must be no Letter-Marks on it, but on every
piece there must be the Coat of Arms of her
Husband, and hers empaled, engraven on them;
and it may be, he being unacquainted with any
Arms of his own or hers either, must be at the
charge to search the Heralds-Office for them;
and they being found out, (for money rarely misses
to make any man so much a Gentleman as to
have a Coat) they must also be fairly painted, to
hang up in the Hall; and the affairs in the Kitchen
not being yet throughly reformed, the good
old Andirons are changed into a new-fashion’d
Range or Grate; and now all the Pewter being
new, the shelves and dressers must be new made
and new painted, as all the Kitchin was likewise.
Thus did this Woman employ her self in the day
time, and at night, he first giving her a grant that
she should have the thing she desired, she requited
him in the best manner she could: and he employed
himself so well, that she was with Child;
and in short time she being confirmed in the
opinion that she was so, her Stomach was very
squeamish, and she must have Caudles and Cordials
of all sorts; for the making and ordering
.bn 269.png
.pn +1
of which, she had the advice of an hundred Midwives,
Nurses, and Gossips; and then she longed
for all things she saw or heard of, especially such
things as were scarce and costly, as Cherries and
Strawberries in March and April, when she was
forced to give 12d or 18d a piece for them; but
when May came, and that they were any thing
cheaper, she cared not for them. And next, all
her business was in making provision against the
Bantling should come to Town; there must be
new Blankets, Beds, Rowlers, Pilches, Clouts,
Shirts, Head-bands, Biggins, and a world of such
kind of little Utensils provided; and the Cradle
and Groaning-Chair must also be bought and
made ready, and the Mantles which had served
his former old Wife were too much out of fashion
to be used now, (it is well if the best of them will
serve for an ordinary Blanket) and a new one
must be bought, and not one would serve the
turn, but several there must be; one for the
Chamber, another for to carry the Child abroad
in, in Summer; another warmer, for the Winter;
and above all these, there must be one costly
one, wherein the Child must be dressed to be
Christned in; (for it is too mechanical and base
to use that of the Midwives) and it may be another
must be had to spread upon the Bed. All
these things were provided, and the Clouts and
other linnen being made, several Washers and
Starchers were employed to wash, starch,
rub, slick, pinch, and make up this parcel, which
must be laid up in Sweet-Powder in her new
Chest of Drawers. These things being thus provided
she had not yet done, but still wanted more,
but especially two or three Baskets, one whereof being
of fine wicker or rods, or else of Wire-work and
.bn 270.png
.pn +1
beads; or else wire-work and Cloves, or else somewhat
that is more fantastical, and by consequence,
more costly, and one of these she had, and with it
at least 20 dozen yards of several Colours of penny-Ribbons
to be tied in curious knots about the
basket. All these things the good old man gave
Money to his Wife to provide; and these pretty
things together amounted to a great sum. But
all of them was nothing considerable to her next
demand, and that was a Cup-boards-head of Plate;
some there was in the house, viz. a beer-bowl, a
Beaker, a Salt, and a dozen of Apostle Spoons:
but these must be changed, and others provided;
viz. one large Tanckard, two smaller of an equal
size, one Plate, one Sugar-dish, two or three Porringers,
two Caudle-Cups, two dozen of Spoons,
a couple of Candlesticks, one pair of Snuffers;
and such a large Inventory of this kind of Ware
she did reckon up, that it troubled her Husband,
and almost broke his heart to think how to satisfie
the ambitious humour of his Wife; but knowing
that there was no quietness without, he also bought
and provided all these several parcels, and upon
every piece of Plate their Coat of Arms were engraven:
If I should reckon up all the other things,
Sugar, Spice, Wine and Sweet-meats to be used
at the crying out; to which was added Westphalia
Hams, Neats-Tongues, Geese, and such kind
of Victuals as would toll down the Liquor and
make the womens tongues run glib; but above
all a groaning Cheese, and then other sorts of Provisions,
as Quilts for the Bed, Sheets, Pillowbeers,
Cloaks for her self to sit up in, Pinners, Cloves,
and a world of such kind of trinckets; I should not
please you, but tire my self, but the time of her
.bn 271.png
.pn +1
crying out being near at hand, She tired the Midwife,
Nurse, and Servants, and her Husband too,
with her continual false Alarms. But at length,
her full time being come, and the Fruit being ripe,
it must fall; and after all this diligence in watching
and attendance and great Cost and
in the Provision aforesaid, She was delivered of
one of the worser sort, a pitiful piss-kitching puling
Girl: Although their expectations were all
frustrated, as expecting a Son and Heir, yet it
could not be, they must be content; and the
woman was well enough satisfied, as being told
that when a Boy is born, the Father is better
pleased; and when a Girl, then the Mother; and
She believing this Maxime to be true, hoped that
it was a good Omen that she should for the future,
prevail over, and command her Husband.
.sp 1
The Child being born, and likely enough to live, the
women fell to, and in an hours time eat up, and drank
off all this provision, and then their tongues ran like
so many Mill-clacks; every one handling, dandling,
kissing and spending their Verdict about this Bantling.
One said, it was as like the Father as if it
had been spit out of his mouth; another, that it had
his very Nose; a third, that it was mouth’d like the
Mother; and a fourth, that it had its Fathers eyes;
and thus they all spent their Verdict: and although
they all spake differently of the Child, yet all must
and did conclude that it was very like the Father.
He poor man was called up amongst them, and according
to custom being to kiss all the women, was
much puzled to do it in an orderly manner; for she
that was finest, thought her self to be best, and therefore
first to be saluted; she that was eldest expected
.bn 272.png
.pn +1
the same: and accordingly several of them put themselves
forwards, so that he did not know when he had
done; but at length they all having joyed him of his
young Daughter, they sat down, and then kissed he
his little one, but durst not do so to his wife without
the Nurses leave, lest she should exact the usual fee of
a pair of Gloves: wherefore he seeing that there was
Charge enough already, was resolved to avoid all
that he could.
.tb
His wife, now having a Child must have all fitting
appendixes and attendants to it; and she being
resolved not to give her self the trouble of nursing
it her self, and being withal too fond of her Baby to
have it out of her sight, therefore Nurses were
sought out, viz. a dry-Nurse, and a wet-Nurse; one
to suckle the Child, and another to wash the Clouts,
and rock, and attend it; besides a third, to attend
the woman. But although she did not resolve to
suckle the Child her self, yet she had a considerable
trouble to dry up her Milk; for she was forced to
have a woman to draw her Breasts first, and then
to use Towe, Sage-Possets, and other things, to dry
it up. This was her trouble; but her Husbands
trouble and Charges were intollerable. There was
every day something or another wanting; and being
resolved to manage his affairs himself, and receive
and pay all, had enough to; and it almost broke his
heart to see how trivially and vainly his money was
drawn from him upon his wifes account. He now
wished his old Wife alive, or that he had not tried
the troublesome effects of being married to a young
woman; but this repentance came too late, and seeing
he could not help it, he was resolved to bear all
patiently.
.bn 273.png
.pn +1
The Child and Wife being both now in a fit condition,
the Child was to be Christned; the trouble of
getting or procuring God-Fathers and God-Mothers
was little trouble to him, for he had too great an acquaintance
to be unprovided of choice of them. But
the charge of that Ceremony was very chargeable.
There were Glovs for the Midwife, Deputy-Midwife,
Nurses, Servitors, and all his Servants; and such
costly Services for the women, as cost him many a
sigh to consider of it. And this being over, his house
was every day filled with Gossipings, who although,
as is usual, they brought the meat, yet he found the
sawce, which was always as chargeable as the rest.
And he was used to say on these occasions, that
although the Guests brought their own Victuals, yet
he that laid the Cloth paid the greatest share. There
was such revelling and noise, such laughing and
merry-making, that his head was so disordered, that
he neglected and could not keep his accounts in their
usual method.
But as all times run on and will have their period,
so this time had an end, but his Charge had none;
for his wife being able to sit up and appear to her Gossips,
in that posture She was to be provided with a
new morning-Gown, and Sattin Cloke to sit up in;
and no sooner was that made, but order was given
for a new Tabbee-Gown, and Sattin-Petticoat for
her to go abroad in, it being, as they told him, a
beggerly business to permit his wife to wear old
Clothes at her first going abroad; and the Exchange
was examined for all the newest fashion’d appurtenances,
that in every thing she might appear like his
wife; and all this they told him, must necessarily be
done for his Credit. Although he knew it was more
for his profit and Credit too to be furnished with large
.bn 274.png
.pn +1
bags full of ready money to pay people on his necessary
occasions, yet he was forced to empty some of them
in these extravagant vanities. A great Feast being
made on that day moneth that his wife was brought
to bed, and she being then Churched, and having
walked abroad to shew her self in her new Clothes,
at night he thought he should quietly have gone to
bed to her, but he was forbidden that by the Nurse,
because forsooth, all the groaning-Cheese was not
eaten up, but he being willing to put an end to all
these fooleries together; and hoping this was the
last of them, compounded with her, and so he had
admittance. And thus was all this great troublesom
and chargeable business ended.
Thus (continued Mrs. Jane) was the charge
and trouble of this business over, but the continued
Charge and trouble that his Wife still
put him to on all occasions did not cease, but
did so afflict and torment him, that he often
wished himself unmarried.
.bn 275.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XX.
.pm start_summary
In short time after the old Mans Wife is with
Child again, and brought to bed of a Son, to the
great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways
of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of
stealing Bricks: he is caught in the manner, and
made to pay for it; also he is forced to wade
through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies
of the young Son, who being corrected
by his School Master, in revenge breaks his
Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts
her Chairs and Stools in pieces, his Father threatens
to correct him, and he pretends to be drowned; he
gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends
it; and coming home, his Father again threatning
him, he pretends to be hanged.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his
Nights lodging with his Wife, I know not,
but I am sure he was displeased with the effects
of that, or some suddainly after, for it was not long
ere his Wife discovered her self to be with child
again; and then there was not only the second
part to the same tune, but also much more trouble;
for she breeding this great Belly worse than the
other, was more troublesome; and concluding by
this difference in her breeding, that now she should
have a different birth, a Son to her Daughter, She
told the old man that she was confident of it; and
so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was
brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable
one to the Old man in his birth, and a cross to
him all his life after.
.bn 276.png
.pn +1
Much provision was made to entertain their
young Heir; and although the woman was well
enough provided before, yet now there were additions
to every thing, and all the house was altered
and turned topsie turvy; two Rooms beat
into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain
the Guests the more commodiously; and a suit of
Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work Chairs, and
other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run
through all the several alterations and additions
that were then made, I should be as troublesom
to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money
bags: wherefore I will omit all things of that
nature to your imaginations, and only tell you in
general, that this woman was as profuse in her
expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband,
after this lying in, did give her an account
of her expences, and made out clearly to her, that
she had cost him in alterations in his house, and
these two Lyings in, full as much as he had with
her for Portion; and therefore he knowing the
virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be
over-rul’d by her any longer, and be led to these
vain extravagancies. Although his Estate, and
profit and gains of his Trade would well enough
bear with these expences, yet he being naturally
covetous, being now grown old, that Vice was
encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children
to provide for, he scrap’d up all he could,
pretending to his wife it was for her and them;
so that now his Purse was close shut against all her
requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair
opportunity of a good Customer happening, he
sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and House;
and having an estate large enough for him to
.bn 277.png
.pn +1
manage without Trading, he left of all employment,
and retired, taking a House a few miles
off from London; thither did he carry his Wife
and Family: and now in this private way he designed
to save; for now there was no occasion of
feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The
wife was now cut off from deceiving the old man
of his Money, because he seldom kept any in his
House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at
his Scriveners in London, and bringing home no
more than would serve to keep house: and now
all that she could handsomly get was by cheating
him in her Marketting; for She would pretend
that parcel of meat which cost her ten shillings,
did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest.
So that she brought the old man to allow her
fourty Shillings per week to keep the House; and
then she pinched his Guts, and made him look
out abroad for Victuals; at home She would
make a neck of Mutton serve for three dressings,
and would give him of the worst: but he made
his belly amends by visiting of Friends, who treated
him; he was one of the Masters of the Company
of which he was a freeman; he was one of the
Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt;
he was one of the Masters of one or two Hospitals;
and as long-liv’d over-grown rich Citizens usually
are so was he in all these places, and many more;
so that there was seldom a week in the year; and
sometimes never a day in the week; but he was
invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did
eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but
carry away in his Hawking-bag which he wore by
his side on purpose, although he pretended it was
to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion
to use; and this Hawking bag was seldom
.bn 278.png
.pn +1
empty; for when he was at any of these feasts, or at
any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full
of such Provant as best liked him; and now having
the conveniency of carriage, he would also
steal Knives; nay, rather then fail, Candles-ends,
and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have
known that sometimes his Covetousness hath
carried him further, to steal quarries of glass out
of the windows of the House where he hath been,
and thereby damage other folks windows to mend
his own.
These were the effects of his Covetousness, but
he was catch’d in one trick, and made to pay
soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being
a few miles from London, he usually went and
came every day, sometimes on Horseback, but
usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of
bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard;
and seeing in his way between London and home
that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal that it
was usual with people to take one or two, he did
so likewise; and still when he went home on foot,
he would take 2, 3, or 4, and clapping them under
his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had
thus carryed home as many as would neer build
his wall; but the owner of the Brick-kiln being
acquainted with his doings, and his covetous inclination,
was resolved to catch him, and make
him pay for it; wherefore he watched him, and
catcht him with four bricks under his arm: How
now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have
you gotten under your Cloak? Nothing, nothing,
replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said the
other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and
discovered the prize: what do you with these
Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being
.bn 279.png
.pn +1
resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went
before a Justice of Peace with the Old man; who
being thus caught, could not deny the fact; but
the Owner charged him with many thousand of
Bricks, which, he said, he had lost; and so ordered
the matter, that he made our Old man pay
more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly
built for; and thus did his Covetousness bring him
to shame and disgrace; but he still persevered in
it, though it were sometimes to his dammage.
He being one evening going home, and passing
by a River, saw two men a fishing; he not being
in haste, stepp’d to a sandy-bank that was in the
River, and stood there some time to see them and
that so long, that the Tide being come in, he was
incompassed with water, and did not perceive it;
and there he was in great care and fear to come
out; he must not adventure to wade; but seeing
a labouring man come by, he cried out to him,
for Heavens sake to come and help him out, and
he would reward him very largly, and withal pulled
out his purse of money, shewing him that he was
furnished with that which would recompence him
for his pains.
The poor man seeing that attractive Metal, and
hoping that he might get as much for a small job
as he had gained all the day, he therefore without
any more ado wades through the water to the
place our Old Fellow was; and being come
thither, took him in his arms, and carried him
through the water, and so set him down; he being
now out of danger, cryed, the Lord bless you,
honest man, I will reward you; and thereupon
drawing his Purse, fumbled in it, turning his money
over and over, and finding three farthings, gave
.bn 280.png
.pn +1
them to the poor man, telling him, if he could
have found the fourth he should have had
it; he all this while stood with his Cap in
hand, with a God bless your worship; but being
deceived in his expectation, he was resolved
to be even with the old Dotard, and therefore
clapping his Cap on his head, he caught hold on
the old Fellow: and taking him in his Arms,
stept into the water, and carried him to, and set
him down in the place where he had took him
up, and there left him; and being come again
ashore, said to the old man, Sir, since you are so
bountiful in your reward, I thought it fit to earn
my money by carrying you twice as far as you
intended; the Old man called out to him, desiring
him for all loves to carry him out, but he was
deaf to all perswasions, and therefore left him;
so that the Old man doubting that he should be
drowned, was enforced to wade through, as he
saw the fellow had done; and so he went home
dropping dry.
Thus was he sometimes catch’d, but what he
lost, or what dammage soever he sustained, he
made others to pay for it, especially his Debtors,
for he still caused them to feast him; and he was
not content with what he could eat or drink, but
he must carry away, not only in his Hawking-bag,
but he had another Utensil, a silver Sucking-bottle,
and still this was filled at other folks charges
either with Canary or strong-Waters; and this the
Old fellow drank off as he travelled, or else emptyed
out when he came home, keeping it for a
reserve.
And as he pinched, and scraped together from
others, so his wife did from him, and that she saved,
she expended or preferred upon her young Son;
.bn 281.png
.pn +1
who was no sooner come to be eight years of age,
but he shewed forth the most vitious and debauched
inclination of any youth in the place where he
dwelt; and his Mother cockering him, and encouraging
him in his follies, it was not hard to guess
at his future deportment; so that all concluded
that he would use the fork in dispersing and scattering
abroad, as well as his Father had used the rake
in gathering and scraping together; and that he
would spend that under the Divels belly, which his
Father had gained over the Divels back; and to
manage him in his early debaucheries, his Mother
supplyed him with Moneys, which was like putting
a Sword into a Mad-mans hand; for he employed
that, to do as much mischief: by that time he
came to be ten years of age, his Sister died; and
now he being the only Child, was much humoured
by his Mother.
The Father prosecuted his ways of getting
Money by Usury, and left the whole management
of the Son to his wife; neither indeed would she
permit him to be under his tuition, or be instructed
by him, lest, as she said, he should be infected with
Covetousness, and other his ill Qualities. He
being Master of Moneys, was thereby Master of
all the Boys that dwelt near him; and he spending
Money on them still, had them at his dispose;
and they not being supplied by their Parents with
Moneys as he was, would sometimes steal from
them to keep him company; he raised a whole
Company of these Boys, and became their Captain;
and if he had a mind to do any mischief to
any other Boys, he could presently execute it by
one of these.
He would not go to School to that Master that
once whipped him, neither would his Mother permit
.bn 282.png
.pn +1
that her son, how deservedly soever, should be
corrected, but strait took him away from School;
and he rather went not at all to be instructed, than
would admit of any correction. He being for his
untowardness lashed by one of his School-masters,
went away, and would to be reveng’d of his Master,
abuse and affront him, and those that took his part;
the School-master hearing of it, caused a couple of
the lustiest of his Scholars to catch him, and bring
him into the School, where he caused him to be untrussed
and horsed, lashed him soundly, giving him
School-butter, and then sent him away. This
affront our young man stomached exceedingly,
and was resolved to revenge it; wherefore he assembled
those of his companions who were led to
assist him in any mischievous undertaking; and
acquainting them with his purpose, they promised
their ready assistance; and he not caring, so it were
done, how it were done, took up a parcel of stones,
and a Cudgel in his hand, and causing all the rest
of his Company to do so too, they advanced to the
School-Masters House, where they all at once discharged
a whole volley of stones against the windows,
and after that another; by this time the
School-Master himself was alarm’d, and looking out
of the School window, had like to have had his Teeth
beaten out with a stone; which however shook
and loosened two or three: The Scholars seeing
this affront put on their Master, all ran down to
revenge it; and catching up what sticks and stones
they could first meet with, began a dangerous
fight, which continued till the Constable came to
part them; there were several on both sides
wounded, and the School-Masters windows were
much dammaged; wherefore he knowing who was
.bn 283.png
.pn +1
the Ring-leader of this Rout, had him secured, and
carried before the Justice, where the School-Master
made his complaint with reason enough; but
our mans Father was so intimate with the
Justice that the poor School-Master could have no
Justice done him; but the young man being soundly
checkt, was sent home to his Mother. His Father
doubting that these exorbitant courses would be
dangerous, was resolved to correct his Son, but
his Mother would not let him come under his disciplination,
but would undertake to correct him
her self: He who had never yet been contradicted
in any thing that was his will, was very unwilling
now to take any correction; and although that
which his Mother intended was but small, yet he
would not endure it.
All she did to him was to lock him up in a
Chamber for two or three days, till she could
humble him; but he was too stiff now to stoop to
her or any Body else; wherefore when he had been
kept in one whole day, his Mother coming to visit
him, she found him more stubborn than before; and
he threatned, that if she kept him in, he would be
even with her: she ventured him the second day,
and came to him again at night, but found no
amendment, but tokens of a high stomach she
told him, she must and would break him, he
said, she could not, nor should not; and if she
kept him within any longer, she should have
cause to repent it. She was resolved to try,
but he was as good as his word; for getting
a Knife, he had cut all her fine Chairs and
Stools to pieces; she seeing this, was passionately
angry, and turned him out of the Room, gave
him over to be corrected by his Father; who
understanding the Mischief he had done, was resolved
.bn 284.png
.pn +1
to punish him severely, and to that end
made preparations. The Servants in the house
advised him to submit himself to his Father and
Mother, and ask forgiveness, and that they would
undertake all should be well again; but he would
not yield, but was resolved to take another course;
wherefore he provided himself with necessaries,
and thus he did.
He went to a Pond, about a mile from his
Fathers House, and putting off his Clothes, went
into the water, and staid there some time, so that
he was seen and observed by several Boys, who
were there a washing: he out-staid them all, and
then dressed himself, and having brought out with
him two Hats and two pair of Shooes, and Stockings;
he threw one Hat into the Pond, and left
one pair of Shooes and Stockings, by the Pond
side, and so went to a Neighbours house near
home, and hid himself in a Barn.
The Father being resolved to fetch him up the
next morning, expected his coming home that
Night, but to no purpose, for he came not; and
although diligent inquiry was made among the
Neighbour-hood, yet there was no news to be heard
of him. The Father was troubled, but the Mother
much more, not knowing what was become of
him; early the next morning all the Servants
were sent out several ways to inquire after him;
at length, some of his Companions were met
withal, who, upon inquiry told them, that they had
seen him the Evening before, in such a Pond;
the Servants hearing this, went thither, and there
they saw the killing sight of the hat, and shooes,
and Stockings; they then concluded, as he intended
they should, that he was drowned; those
.bn 285.png
.pn +1
remains of his being, as they thought, but too
sure Evidence of that fatal truth. They inquired
no further at present, but went home and told
their Master, and Mistress, the sad news of their
Sons misfortune; he was much dejected at the
telling of that dismal Relation, but she was now
as one distracted, exclaiming against her Husband,
whose severity towards her dear Son, she said,
had been the cause of this his unhappy Fate:
her Friends could not comfort her, neither could
her Husbands perswasions work any thing upon
her, but that she would go to the place where
her Son had perished. Her Husband disswaded
her against this, and promised that he would have
the Pond searched, and thereupon gave order to
employ a couple of Fellows to rake the Pond all
over, but to no purpose; for although they were
paid for their pains, yet they lost their labour.
And now the Father finding that the Body of
his Son was not to be found dead, was in hopes
that he might yet hear of him alive; and he endeavoured
to perswade his Wife into this opinion.
In the mean time our young Gentleman lay
perdue in the Neighbours Barn; and being provided
with sufficient Provant, was as safe as a
Thief in a Mill; and although he was at that
distance from home, yet he could hear of the
distraction his Father and Mother were in, for it
was all the News of the place, that Mr. R’s Son
was drowned, to the great grief of his Father
and Mother: he was well pleased to hear that
they were so ill pleased; and thought now he
should be revenged on them that were resolved
to be revenged on him; the consideration of his
Mothers sorrow was great joy to him, and he
.bn 286.png
.pn +1
hoped to reap this benefit that he might for the
future rule, and reign in his Roguery; hoping
that his Father and Mother would leave him to
his own dispose; lest he should hereafter do that
in earnest, that they would now find in jest; but
thinking that they had not as yet suffered enough
for what they had made him suffer, a two days
imprisonment, whereas he had not been wanting
above one day; he was therefore resolved to stay
there a little longer, but he was soon after discovered:
for being somewhat cleanly, and leaving
his Lodging, to go into the yard to untruss, one
of the Family came and saw him; he would have
fled, but his Breeches being about his heels hindred
him; so that at the exclamation of that party
who saw him, all the rest of the Family where he
was hid came out to him; and seeming joyed to
see him, asked him a hundred questions at once,
to which he gave them never a word of answer;
but they minded not his humour much, but being
joyful of his safety, now spake of acquainting his
Father and Mother therewith; he knowing they
would do so, and that quickly, told them that
they might do so; but withal he desired them to
enjoyn his Father and Mother both, not to ask
him any questions, for if they did, he said he
would not answer them; and besides, it was likely
it would be the worse for them and him both.
They hearing what he said, did not inquire into
his reasons for what he had said, but went home
to his Parents, and told them how it was. At
this joyful news the Father was well pleased;
but the Mother was so overjoyed, that she could
not contain her self from running to the place
where he was; and there she discovered the excess
.bn 287.png
.pn +1
of her joy, by the excess of her passion,
which hurried her on to Extravagancies, in embracing,
and kissing her Graceless Son, who received
her expressions of Love with much indifferency
and coldness: She did not observe that,
but took all at the best; and being joyed that
she had him in her sight, lead him home.
The Father being acquainted with his Son’s
Injunction, that he must not be asked any Questions,
concluded from thence the true reason of
it; however, he dissembled his knowledge, and,
to humour his Wife and Son, said nothing to him,
but commanded that he used no more of these
tricks, and that then all that had passed already
should be forgotten. The Son gave him the hearing,
but was resolved to take his own swinge;
and by this occasion knowing the extreme love
his Mother had for him, made very ill use of it,
venturing to do any thing though never so debauched.
For if his Mother did not give him
enough, he would steal it from her, and all
her locking up from him was to as little purpose,
as her Husbands locking up from her; for her
Son would frequently come at her money; and
she would as often come at the Old mans: who
was so accustomed to be dispossessed of what
money he had by his wife, that sometimes the
Son met with it, and disappointed his Mother;
but it was all as one, for that if she did get it, it
was but to bestow on him.
The Old man seeing that his Locks and Keys
would not keep his money secure, found out other
inventions to hide it, which he did in ordinary
unsuspected places, as among the Sea-coals, or
in some hole of the House or Garden. But the
.bn 288.png
.pn +1
Son one time met with a purse of ten pound;
and that being too much to be spent in one day,
he staid out a whole week; his Mother was now
distracted as before, for his absence, but the father
soon missing his money, and believing that his
Son had met with it, was satisfied that he would
stay abroad till it was spent, and so he did; for
at the weeks end he came home as confidently,
as if he had done no harm. Although his Mother,
out of joy for the return of her Prodigal, was well
enough satisfied with his theft, yet the Old man
once more was resolved to correct him: and
therefore getting him up into a Garret, locked
him up till such time as he might prepare himself
for the Correction he intended. This young
Extravagant being thus incarcerated, set his wits
at work how to get out; at length he found a
Gutter-window, and saw that he might get out to
the top of the House; this he resolved to do, but
withal he intended once again to put his Mother
to the fright; and thereupon searching the Garret,
he found all sorts of materials and utensils fit for
his design; he first took an old Doublet and
Breeches, and stuffed them full of rags, straw, and
such rubbish as he could find, and then he took
shooes and stockings and stuffed the stockings full
of bran; and making somewhat like a head, he
put his hat on it; and putting the Coat he wore
over all this, he put a rope about the neck of this
Scare-crow, and so hanged it on one of the beams
in the Garret; when he had put his matters in
this order, he sat down, and being well pleased at
his own invention, laughed as heartily now as he
knew his Mother would cry when she came to
see it; and having thus bestowed this Scar-crow,
.bn 289.png
.pn +1
he got out to the top of the house, and sat there
perdue, expecting the event.
His Father being provided with all things necessary
for the correction he intended him, mounted
up stairs, and with him a Neighbour whom he
had called to his assistance; and being come to
the Garret-door, and having opened it, he cried
out, where are you, Sirrah, that I may correct
you: there was no answer, nor Son to be seen,
(as he expected) walking; but it was not long
ere he saw him, as he supposed, hanging between
Heaven and Earth.
.tb
Although the Old man came with a resolution
to chastise his Son, yet he at this killing spectacle
fell down, and appeared more dead than alive;
and the man who accompanied him, seeing the
Son, as he supposed, hanging quite dead, and
the Father in little better condition, he ran down
and allarm’d the house with this deadly news.
The Mother, although she was ready to fall
down dead with grief, yet her distraction hurried
her to the place of her Sons supposed execution,
that she might dye there; by such time as she
was come thither, the Father was come to himself,
but was almost killed again with the bitter
words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons
murderer, calling him wretched old Rogue, and
using terms the most vile and outragious she
could imagine; and then she fell into a violent
fit of crying, and tearing her cloathes and hair, so
that she seemed quite distracted: her Son heard
all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project
had so well taken; and the Mother, now in
another fit, arising, went to catch hold of her Sons
.bn 290.png
.pn +1
body, which she supposed was hanging; but when
she came to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light,
flew from her at the first touch, and the hat falling
off, it was soon discovered what it was.
All present were amazed at the contrivance:
but the Mother still continued crying out, if this
be not, where then is my Son? At this all sought
about the room; and at length one looking out
at a Garret-window, saw him sit on the House-top;
his mother was soon acquainted with this
pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh,
bring him in: but he hearing her, replyed, that
if his Father did not go down and leave threatning
of him, he would throw himself from the
house-top, and kill himself in earnest: the Father
thinking that the desperate humour might take
him, was forced to be content; and so our young
man descended the house, and came in at the
window, to the great joy of his sorrowful Mother.
.bn 291.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XXI.
.pm start_summary
Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more
money by receiving Rent; which being spent, he
returned home; and his Mother refusing to give
him what money he desired, she being on Horseback
behind him, he threatens to throw her into
the water, and so he obtains it of her. The Old
man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies
upon Watermen, Coach-men and a poor Pudding;
he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and plays a
fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical,
makes Verses on Canary.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
By this Project our young man escaped the
correction his Father intended him; and
not only so, but his Mother now looking on him,
as one twice risen from the dead, was so foolishly
fond, as to hug and embrace him; all this he
took in good part, as knowing this fond humour
of his Mothers would turn to his advantage; for
he having now put her twice to this fright, she
was fearful that the third time would prove fatal
in earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with
Moneys to excess; and he spent it as Prodigally,
as he came by it lightly. But the good old man
keeping her short, her stock was not large enough
to supply him in all his excesses, and then the Old
man led a weary life with his wife, till she procured
him to give her Son, who was now fifteen
years of age, a certain allowance: he demanded
fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but this the
old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged,
it would be more to the profit of his Son, and
himself both, to put him out to be an Apprentice
to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor
Son would give any hearing to this Proposition;
.bn 292.png
.pn +1
but in answer to it, the Mother said what, and
have I but one Child, and must he be made a
Servant? I scorn it; sure you intend to make
somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that you
have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire
or think that your only Son and Heir should be
an Apprentice and make clean Shooes, and sweep
the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this?
Thus did the Woman answer her Husband, and
so put him by from ever making any more such
offers; and she alledging that her Son was now
man enough to manage an Estate of five hundred
pound per annum; and that therefore his Father
might do well to intrust him with fifty pound per
annum; but he still alledging it was too much,
and it would spoil him; at last, after a long contest,
forty pound per annum was agreed on: The
Old man now intending thus much for his Son,
gave him two Acquittances to go to two of his
Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it
being their last Quarters Rent.
The young man supposing himself a Landlord,
went among the Tenants, and intending to outwit
his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly;
wherefore when he came to the place where some
of his Fathers Tenants dwelt, he went to a two
Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them
which he best knew, and telling them that his
Father had ordered him to receive that Quarters
Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he
had; these two paid him presently, and the rest
did so likewise, he telling them that he had left
their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand
at home; but that he would give them Acquittances
with his hand to his Fathers use, which
would do as well. This excuse went as current,
.bn 293.png
.pn +1
and the Tenents were well pleased to pay their
money to him, and thereby hoped to ingratiate
themselves with their young Landlord; and thus
he received twenty pound, instead of the ten
pound intended; and had received more of the
other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such
matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented
it.
There he soon found what his Son had done;
which however turned somewhat to his advantage:
for all the Tenants hearing their young
Landlord had been there, and expecting him to
come again suddenly had provided all the rent,
hoping by that means to gain his good opinion,
and a Treatment to boot, as the rest had done:
so that now the Old man received all the rent at
his first coming, whereas he was wont to come
half a dozen times. And now having received
his rents, he went home to his Wife, telling her,
how their Son had served him; to which she replyed,
that it was no matter, for to her knowledge
he was bare, and quite out of moneys
before, and that this would stock him. And now
she having gained an allowance for her Son, she
never left her Husband, till he increased her own,
and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as
she pretended; and all this was to lay up for her
unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said, staid out
till all was spent; and that was within so many
days as he had pounds: and he being rid of his
money returned home to pillage his Mother. He
had made no spare of his Money so long as it
lasted, in hopes to receive more of his Fathers
Tenants; but he came thither too late, his Father
having been there before him; so that being disappointed,
.bn 294.png
.pn +1
he came home, and very quietly he
demeaned himself for some time.
But the humour of rambling again possessing
him, he courted his Mother for Money, she gave
him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached
it, because he had no more. A few days
after, his Mother was to ride to London, to lay
out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being
desirous of his Company, caused him to ride before
her; they being thus mounted together, put
on very handsomly, till being come about half
way, he guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring,
asked him his reason; he told her, only to
water the Horse; but when the Horse was now
in as far, and as deep as he could go, he shewed
her another reason, told her another tale, and desired
her to give him some money, she replyed,
she had none for him; he answered that he knew
she had money about her, and therefore he must
and would have some; she said she had no more
but what she was to lay out, and if she gave him
any she must lose her Journey; he cared not for
that, but told her, that if she did not give him
some Money, he would throw her into the Pond,
and thereby enforce her to lose her Journey;
and he swore to it, that he would do it. She
doubting that he would be as good as his word,
was forced to compound the matter with him,
and of five pounds, which she had about her, she
hardly compounded with him for fifty Shillings;
which he would not take her word for, but she
was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to
deliver it to him, and then he rode on, but
although she had her Sons Company to London,
and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go
home without him, he being there engaged upon
.bn 295.png
.pn +1
the Ramble for so long as that money would last,
and then home he came again; and this trick
he would serve her as often as he wanted money,
and could get her on Horse-back behind him;
and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did
the same from the Old man and all little enough
to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances,
and this was the course of life they all led.
The young man he spent largely, and pinched
all he could from his Mother; she cheated her
Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality;
and the old man he screwed all he could get,
most shamefully and penuriously, out of his
Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both.
These were his Tormentors, that still kept him
in perplexity; and in the end, what with Age,
and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving
all behind him to their disposing.
The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother
discontented; and the Old man had at his death,
made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for
knowing that what he gave to the Mother, he
gave to the Son; he dividing his Estate into
three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping
by such time as he should have spent one third part,
he might take up, and be wiser; and then his Mother
would be fit to give him another portion.
As soon as the old man was dead, order was
taken for his Burial, which was by the Mother
and Sons appointment splendid enough; but
although the Son attended his Fathers Corps to
the Grave, yet the Mother would not, as pretending
to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing
not in fashion; under this pretence she staid at
home: but there was a greater and more urgent
cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended
.bn 296.png
.pn +1
her, and him she kept Company withal. The
Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground,
and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker
to put him deep enough lest he should rise
again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast
enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night
was taken in the Watch at his return home; but
being known, he was passed the Watch, and
coming home heard how his Mother had bestowed
her time in his absence; this raised some doubts
and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she
might, and would marry and then defeat him of
his expectations; wherefore, although he was
not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his
Portion, but that could not be; however such
course was taken by some of his Fathers Friends,
that his Portion was secured for him; and in
the mean time it was agreed, that he should have
a considerable allowance. But all this did not
please him: for although what was allowed him,
was sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he
spent three times as much, and ran into every
Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon
aweary of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore
in few Months threw that off, and a Suit that
cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did
vaunt it, and Rant it about the Town, and all
the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his hangers
on, or Companions. He spun away the time of
his Non-age with all impatience; but when the
happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was
the joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother
was married to the Suitor who had put in
so early; but being cunning (as most Widows
are) she had reserved her Sons Estate entire, and
not only so, but a considerable part of her own;
.bn 297.png
.pn +1
so that her Husband had not above one third
part of the whole. And now her Son without
any controul, demanded, and received his full
Portion; many hard words passed between Mother
and Son on that account, so that they fell
out in earnest; and he taking what was his due,
gave her the good buy.
And now was the time come that he took his
full swinge in all manner of voluptuousness and
debauchery. Taverns were the best places he frequented,
as having somewhat for his money: But
that expence was not deep enough; he hunted out
and frequented all Houses of good fellowship.
All the most eminent Bona Roba’s about the
Town were of his acquaintance; and he was not
content to have their Company in common, but
searching out those that best pleased him, he
took them from their Publick Employment, and
kept them for his own private pleasures, disposing
them in several places, as he had occasion to use
them; and commonly keeping three or four of
these at Livery; and, which was worse than all
this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his
Estate, he frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming
Houses and there suffered himself to be cheated
to some purpose.
The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant
extravagancies, went, and sent to him (for he
would not come to her) to disswade him from
these courses; but instead of that, he returned
wild and extravagant answers, upbraiding her
with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and
expressed himself so rudely on that account, that
I am ashamed to repeat it.
I will relate some particulars of extravagancies,
because it exceeds all that I have heard of. He
.bn 298.png
.pn +1
went one time to the Temple-stairs, and perceiving
a great many Water-men, both Oars and
Scullers, attending for Fares, but more especially
for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them to
Westminster, it being Term-time; and being resolved
on a frollick, to disappoint them, he hired
all of them, to carry him, and two or three of
his Companions, to the Old Swan; so that when
the Lawyers came to take Boat, there was none
for them; and they were forced to beat upon
the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches.
Another time, he being importuned by Water-men,
who usually clutter about a Fare, striving
who shall earn the money; and only having
occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of
them to transport him just over, and gave them
six pence a piece for their pains; and then they
wanting other employment, he told them, that if
they would fight with one another, he would give
them six pence a piece more; and he, to invite them
to it, caused them to quarrel with one another,
and so to it they fell lustily; he standing by, and
laughing at them.
Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was
extravagant with the Coach-men; for sometimes,
although he valued not his Money, yet he would
in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave
them in the hurry to look their pay-master; but
if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded
it handsomly, he would pay them double.
He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged
fellow, and he served him accordingly; for he
had been hurrying about, from one place to another,
to find out Company, all that Afternoon;
and at night he demanded of the Coachman
what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings,
.bn 299.png
.pn +1
which was too much by three shillings; and he
not being in the humour to part with his money
so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted
with the prices of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for
that time, refused to give him his demands; and
the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and
sawcy; so that he had a great mind to have
beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged fellow,
he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought
himself of another; which he thus effected.
Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will
content you, before we part; but now I think on
it, I must go a little further, to such a place,
naming it. The Coach-man was content;
and thereupon, he and his Servant went
into the Coach; it was now dark, it being
Winter; and he had the better conveniency of
executing his project; which he did thus. He
drew out his Knife, and he, and his Man together
did cut all the leather round on the back of the
Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by
this time being come to the place he appointed,
he was there set down, and gave the Coach-man
his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done
to his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking
a quart of Wine, and calling for another
Coach, was carried home.
The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry,
found out our Gentleman’s Quarters; and
waiting his coming out, told him, that he had
done him forty shillings worth of dammage
in cutting the Leather of his Coach; he denied
the fact, and bid him prove it: the other
told him, that he would take his oath of it before
any Justice of the Peace; and if (said he)
you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you
.bn 300.png
.pn +1
before a Justice, and he will compel you to do it.
Our Gentleman hearing him talk so of the Justice,
was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit
him; and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you
talk of a Justice, you were best have a care of
your self, how you come there, lest I have you
sent to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man.
You need not make so strange of it, replyed
our Gallant, you believe no body saw you
yesterday what you did in the field near Putney,
where you carried me? Why, what did I do?
replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a
Sow there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord!
said the Coach-man. And oh Lady too! said
our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find
it so to your cost; both my self, and my man saw
it, and will take our Oaths of it if we go before
the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his
Master had said, justified and averred the truth
with an Oath; which put the poor Coach-man
into such a dump, that he went away with a flea
in his ear, and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans
payment for the dammage done to his
Coach. This was the course our extravagant
took; these were the tricks he plaid; and in general,
there was no manner of mischief but he
put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried
in doing so, that although it were well known
he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk and
boast of more than he had done; and there
was no particular debauched action, or extravagancy
done in London, but he would boast himself
to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his
power. He had observed, that a poor woman sat
at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot pudding
by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his
.bn 301.png
.pn +1
Crown, to put a trick upon this Woman; and
therefore having a Companion with him, he acquainted
him with his intent, and desired his
assistance. He who kept him Company was as
ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore
together they came to this poor woman, who
was newly come with her pudding piping hot from
the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told
them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price,
and she weighed out a pound: she had asked him
what he would do with it? for she, seeing his
gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said,
that he would not eat it. He replied, it was no
matter to her what he did with it, so long as she
was paid for it. She knowing he had said true,
delivered it to him in a handkerchif. He having
the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing
it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping
so to do, his Companion turned up her Coats,
and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked posteriors.
The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out
amain; but he still held it there, and pressed it
hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away from
them; and being sensible that she was scalded,
she ran to the kennel, and taking up her coats,
clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to cool and
asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his
Companion marched off.
The woman was so paid off, that she could not
follow her employment; and acquainting her Husband
with the matter, and the party who; he,
the next day, found him out, and demanded
satisfaction for the dammage he had done to his
Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and
refused all satisfaction: but the Good man was
sure enough that it was he; for by this time he
.bn 302.png
.pn +1
had (according to his usual custom) bragged of
this exploit so that the man being in earnest, and
telling him, that if he would not pay for the
Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives
neglect of her business, that he would arrest him,
and compel him by Law. He therefore in a humour
gave the man twenty shillings, and so
ended this frollick of the Pudding-woman.
There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty
of some frollick or other; and if he had the humour
of doing, he would go through with it,
though it cost his pockets never so dear: Some
of his frollicks were somewhat more harmless, but
altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had
heard of any frollicks, though never so extravagant
and old, he would attempt to do the like;
and many such he did only in imitation and to
renew the discourse of them. As for example:
he was used to have the Barber, for the most
part, to come to him; and although he had no
beard (for he was never known to have above
five hairs on one side of his face, and seven on
the other) yet he was usually shaved every day.
But one day he went to a Barbers to be trim’d,
and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber fell to
his work. He intended to have some frollick
with this Barber; and the Barber gave him a
very good occasion and opportunity: for the Barber
having occasion to make water, and being
somewhat lazy, pissed about his shop. Our Gallant
asked his reason; and told him, it was a
nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for
excuse, that it was no great matter, for he was to
leave the shop in a weeks time, and to remove to
another, and therefore it would not annoy him
much. This action, and answer, fell out for our
.bn 303.png
.pn +1
Gallant, as fit as pudding for a Friers-mouth;
and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended
project; and he did so tickle himself with
laughing at the conceit he intended, that the
Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering
the cutting of his Throat or Chaps.
But that was done in time, and our Gentleman
was delivered from the imprisonment of the
Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended
Project, he asked Cutbert whether he had any
sorts of sweet powder? He shewed him what he
had below, and that not pleasing him, he went
up stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount
up the stairs, but down went our Gallants breeches,
and there in the middle of the Shop, he
laid the biggest load he could exonerate himself
of. He made all the haste he could, and just as
the Barber descended down stairs, up went his
Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet
Powder in his hand, yet he could not only smell,
but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that
was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the
sight; wherefore he also asked his Customer his
Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the
very same reason for disburthening himself, as he
had; for said he, I am to leave the shop presently,
and it will not annoy me much. The Barber
seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon,
made no reply, but was forced to be content;
and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber;
to go among his Companions, to boast of this
witty exploit. This was talk enough for him for
some days. But he still studied, by such time as
one was stale, to project and execute another;
and it was not long after ere he met with one altogether
as extravagant, and much like the other.
.bn 304.png
.pn +1
Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did
fight cunningly, and would not let one drop of
Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor
hardly admit of any mornings-draught though
never so moderate; forbearing all drinking, till
the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and
then, as he used to say, it would do your heart
good to see him take off his Liquor, especially
Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he
would bear it very lustily, and with the help of a
Coach get to his Lodging in very good order.
But one time he had missed and omitted this
custom, and drank all day without eating, so
that the next morning his belly and head were
both filled with airy humours, his belly asked and
croaked, and his head was giddy, wanting settlement;
wherefore, some Friends who came to visit
him, advised him to drink some Coffee; he believing
that in regard it was to be drunk hot, that it
might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain went
to a Coffee-house with them; where being sat
down, and having put two warm dishes full into
his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and
backwards both; at which unusual noise among
so many people as were there together, he was
more than usually stared at; he minded not
their staring, but continued in drinking; and
withal observed the several postures used in drinking
their Coffee; some he saw laid their Nose,
some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the
Coffee-dish, to let the smoak, or fume of the Coffee
ascend; at this unusual sight he asked the reason
of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was
an excellent remedy against the Cold which they
had gotten in those parts; he hearing them say
.bn 305.png
.pn +1
so, had an extravagant humour come into his
brain; and I dare say, if the Company would
have given him twenty pound, he would not have
forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded:
He called for the largest Dish of Coffee in the
house; it being filled, he set it in the middle of
the Coffee-room, and letting down his Breeches,
he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just
over the Coffee-dish. All the Company wondring
and laughing at this Extravagancie; he cryed
out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard,
for I do no otherwise then you have directed me,
for you all say Coffee is good for a Cold, and to
your knowledg my Podea had gotten a Cold, for
it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore
do but as I was directed, to let the fumes of the
Coffee asend to the place affected. Having now
had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and sitting
down among the Company, gave them all occasion
to exercise their eyes in staring on him; and
he again entertained them with such fantastical
discourse, as made them believe that he was more
Knave than Fool, and enough of both.
You may judge by this (said Mrs. Mary) of the
rest of his Extravagancies; and this was the dayly
exercise of his wit, which (as you may understand)
was not barren in inventing all manner of debaucheries;
and indeed, had he had somewhat
to exercise his wit on that which was ingenuous
or good, he must have been succesful enough, for
he had a strong memory, for he retained all he
read, he never forgot the least, or slightest story
that he had once read over: he read but little,
and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading,
books of Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew
.bn 306.png
.pn +1
all, and could relate all the stories, from Tom
Thumb to Amadis de Gaule, and the Mirrour of
Knight-hood. All the Palmerins, and Primaleons,
he knew as well as if he had gon to School with
them; he knew the Father, Son, and Grandfather;
and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire
for more parts of those Histories. Don Bellianis
of Greece was a brave Knight with him; and he
was wont to say, that it was great pity that some
Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure
of that honour of Chivalry in a second part: he
was intended to have done it himself, if he could
but have spared so much time. From this History
he proceeded to Cassandra and Cleopatra;
but those Hero’s and Ladies were of too strict
and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the
loose Galaor, Brother to St. Amadis, was a man
for his Money, being one who was a general lover
of all Ladies. He had also read over Orlando
Furioso in verse; and was very much in love with
mine Hosts Tale to Rodamant, of the loosness of
Women; this he commended above any thing in
the book; and in all his readings he imitated the
Spider, and not the Bee, in sucking the Poison,
not the Honey from them. By means of this
converse with Poetical books, he was so much infected
with Poetry, that he could versifie and
ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary,
he bestowed some time in composing these
Verses on that Divine Liquor.
.bn 307.png
.pn +1
.sp 2
.ce
An Encomium on Canary.
.pm start_poem
.dc 0.2 0.7
Thou glory of this glorious Nation.
Spains best Child, her Pride, her Reputation:
Her India, her Peru, her best ;
Thou art Fortune, Pleasure, Riches, Health,
Companion to the Worthies, giving birth,
To Hector Valour, and to Cæsar Mirth:
Nay, and sometimes sole Commander
Of the Worlds All-commanding Alexander.
Ye Muses guide unto the pleasant Spring,
Where you inchanting sit, and chanting sing
Such Roundelays, that those which do draw near,
Are no more fed by th’ eye, but by the ear.
There is no Musick, nought that cheers the heart,
If Don Canary does not bear his part.
Gazing Astronomers had never found
How the great Axle of the World wheels round
Had they not tasted Sack: ’tis Sack’s the eye
Of solid Logick, and Philosophy.
Nay, be you ne’re so strongly grounded,
If you contend with Sack, you’l be confounded.
Your Learn’d Physitians, famous for their skill,
Give Drugs to others whom they mean to kill;
But mark them who so please, in hugger-mugger,
They cure themselves meerly with Sack and Sugar.
Should we to former Ages but look back,
There you should find the strange effects of Sack:
Shall I ascend to Jove, the Heavens Protector?
What is that drink call’d by the Poets, Nectar?
Was’t not Canary? yes, there’s nothing truer,
For all men know, that Bacchus was his Brewer:
Who by Canary, as its poetis’d,
Became a God, and was Immortalliz’d.
.pm end_poem
.bn 308.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XXII.
.pm start_summary
Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise
moneys; which being got in, he takes a journey
into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets
with one of his Companions, who laid a wager
about their Footmens drinking: he being indebted
to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity
to pay him till his Fathers death; he projects a
way to kill the Father; and not come within the
compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs
it. This Extravagant’s answer to his
Mother; and his getting a suit of Clothes of a
strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and
cheats Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he
sells to a Broker, who upon some discontent claps
him in a prison, where he again expresses his
Poetry.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent
his time; and as this Old man, the Father,
had in his latter years employed his whole wit
and industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging
his Estate; so the Young man, the Son, employed
all his in spending, and lessening it. The Fathers
ways of getting money was by usury; and the
Son, on the contrary, was so great an hater of
that vice, and sin of usury, as he termed it, that
he would not receive any; and being desirous to
raise a great sum of money together, he sent to
his Debtors, and told them that if they would by
a certain time, then to come, bring him in his
principal money, he would forgive them all interest.
There were few of them that stood out; for
the Father having been wary in disposing his
.bn 309.png
.pn +1
money on good security, the Son had the less
trouble to gather it in; and few of the Debtors
failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take
up their bonds. Some there were whose debts
were considerable and large, and they could not
provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that
advantage: but again some of them gained more
considerably then the rest had done; for he by
this means believing that all those debts that were
not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to
selling and assigning them; which the Debtors
hearing of, although they could not raise the ready
money themselves, yet the Security being good,
they procured Friends to lay down the Moneys,
and compounded the Debts for some two thirds,
some three quarters, some more, some less, he
being willing to take, and unwilling to refuse all
Moneys that he could thus bring in. And by this
means being master of a considerable sum of Money,
and being of his London frollicks, he resolved for the
Countrey; and providing himself with choice of
Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for himself,
and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took
his journey. I cannot give you any particular
account of his transactions in the Countrey, because
it was at too great a distance; but in general,
I heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second
part to the same tune: but this I know, that passing
for a man of a great Estate, and being plentifully
furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into
the Family of a Person of Quality; where, however
he carryed himself abroad, yet at home he
was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he
obtained her and her Friends consent to a Marriage.
They questioned not his Estate, (which
they knew had been considerable) because he demanded
.bn 310.png
.pn +1
no portion: and thus was our wild Gallant
become a staid man, if Marriage would make
him so; but although it might operate somewhat
at first, yet that good humor held him not long
for he was soon weary of any thing that was
good; and, as I heard his wife being so, he was
the sooner weary of her: and therefore, and because
the Money he had brought with him was
spent and gone, he was then again for London. I
suppose he engaged himself to return speedily;
but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure
to break that: And now being come to London,
he visited all his old Friends; but there was not
one word of the pudding; he would not own the
alteration of his condition, but had a mind still
to pass for a Batchelor; for under that notion he
might practise his debaucheries the more freely;
for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would
be so easie, of the most precious Jewel they had;
whether he did, or how many fell into his snare,
I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests.
He being now come to London, and his errand
Money, Money he would have; and therefore he
summoned all the remaining Debtors to make
sudden payment.
Although he had already received several considerable
sums, and that more than he had present
occasion to make use of; yet not one good
turn, or courtesie would he do any man, though
never so near and dear to him: he had rather spend
40s. to make a man drunk, than lend him 20s.
.tb
But there was one, a certain Companion of his,
who was almost as debauched as himself, and would
have been altogether so, had he had the means to
.bn 311.png
.pn +1
have done it. This Person having a Father alive,
whom he would willingly have exchanged for a
dead one; and whom he was very desirous to have
kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father
was a great trouble to our young man’s proceedings
and our Gallant having consider’d his case, as
it had been formerly his own, being desirous to
propagate, and assist in the work of deformation,
had at several times furnished him with the sum of
fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have
at all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons,
who failed not to meet him at the time, and
place appointed with money for a drinking bout,
though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily,
and drank off their Sack very stoutly; and whilst
our two young Gentlemen were thus employed,
their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was
now attended but by one of his two Foot-men;
and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or Attendant,
who was acquainted with the other; and
they having been for some time separated by reason
of our Gallants Journey, and now having met
again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that
they drank of their Sack as fast as their Masters:
They had leave to do so, and might call for what
they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go
into the next Room, there found his Man, and
the other engaged in hot service; but observed,
that his Man being the stouter drinker of the
two, had the better on it, and was the likeliest
so to hold it; wherefore a conceit came
into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he
called his Companion to him, and shewed him
their Servants; he was as well pleased as the
other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our
Gallant hearing him say so, cryed, Bear up, Jack, for
.bn 312.png
.pn +1
I’le hold a piece of your head; done, said the other.
But although here was a great wager to be
lay’d, yet there was no sound bargain, nor Witness;
and they hardly understood what they intended,
till the Master of the house was called up;
and then he seeing there was like to be somewhat
to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as
he called it) that the two fellows should drink on,
and he who first gave out, and was foyled, his
Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said
one; content, said another; and withal, lose a
piece, to be spent to morrow: They both agreed
to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys,
the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still
held on their drinking, neither were the Masters
idle; and they all plyed their gears so well, that
they could not remove their Quarters, but were
all four inforced to stay there all night; only our
Gallant had the honour of the day, for his man
had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid
him fast asleep; and he being on the ground
stradled over him, like St. George over the Dragon,
and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in
token of triumph; and then they were all carried
to their Beds. The next morning they found
themselves more sensible then they had been the
night before; but being in a Tavern, and remembring
that there was 20s. in bank, there was no
remedy, but that they must of necessity take a
hair of the old dog; and therefore to it they went
again, but with more sobriety then the day before;
for our Gallant, who commanded in chief,
had no mind to drinking, it being against his
Custom to drink in a morning; and besides that,
he intended to propose the matter of money to
his Companion, so that they drank but moderately;
.bn 313.png
.pn +1
and our Gallant broke the ice by telling
his Companion, that upon a certain accident that
had lately fallen out, he had occasion to raise a
sum of money, and therefore he desired the other
to help him to that which he had formerly lent
him. The other briskly replyed with an Oath,
that he asked him impossibilities; that there was
not such a sum as 50l. in Nature, nor could he
expect to see so much together, till the happy
day of his Fathers death; and then said he, if
that long looked for day would but come, I will
not only pay that sum, but all else I have shall
be at your dispose.
Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should
hardly get his Money till the old fellow was dead,
but however he thought to urge it to see if he
could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a
sum, but the other replying he could not and that
it was impossible to out-wit him, well reply’d our
Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think
of somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned?
does he give you money enough to spend?
truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me,
for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides
Wine and good company; there are such
transitory things as women to be had; for keeping
a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he
knows the necessity of those mortals for us that
are young. How, replyed our blade, does he
keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to
make him tip off the perch in a short time. You
may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is
old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed
to Venus Wars. Well that matters
not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double
my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will
.bn 314.png
.pn +1
undertake and warrant to send your Father into
the other world in a very short time. No reply’d
the other I will have no hand in Murther especially
there being Parricide in the case. I tell thee,
reply’d our undertaker, there shall be no hazard
of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor
me, whether as Physitians (who are authorized to
kill) are guilty of to their Patients, and shall be
both safe and sure. Well how is it then reply’d
our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your
Father is very old, and loves a Wench. Why then
said our undertaker, all my business is but to know
this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then
the business is done, and that without fail. Thus
much he told his Companion, but would not
(though he importuned him) tell him any thing
more. And thereupon he seeing that he could
not at present get any thing more out of him, and
withal assuring him that there was no danger in
Law; the one concludes to act, and the other to
assist in the enterprize. Accordingly that very
afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his
Companion to the place where his Fathers Lady
of pleasure resided. This young Woman whom
he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived
with one that was more antient, and whom
she called Aunt, and they two together with a
Maid-servant that attended them both made up
this little Family, in regard she lived thus privately,
he found it would be more difficult then ordinary
to get access, but the next day an opportunity
fell out very convenient. For the old man
(according to his custom) having sent in Provision
for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress,
and about three of the Clock he and his Mistress
.bn 315.png
.pn +1
and the Old Woman resolved on a walk.
Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended
them at some distance, and they going into a Publique
house, he also went thither and took a Room
next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress
with Cakes and Ale, and such other Provision as
the place afforded, and after they had sufficiently
regalled themselves, the old man he must go about
an affair of importance, and therefore he must
leave them. Our Undertaker was glad to hear of
that, and expected the happy minute of his departure,
but he found that they all left the house
together, wherefore he put himself in the way that
they were to come, and walking softly permitted
the two Women to overtake him. He being a
sufficient Courtier wanted not pretence sufficient
to enter himself into their company, and the Women
were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike
the proffered service of his meen and quality.
The walk they were to take er’e they came to
their quarters was considerable and thereby he
had the opportunity to discourse with the young
beauty, which was not only handsom but of a
pleasant conversation. He knowing how far their
journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine.
The young woman wholly declined the proposition,
wherefore he applyed himself to the Old
one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at
the next Tavern. He promised them only one
quart of Wine, but they drank three or four e’re
they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she
took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted
that she discovered many of her copious secrets
with the Old Man, who also simpered at the writal of
them, our Gallants chief business being to win the
.bn 316.png
.pn +1
young woman, thought that the nearest way to do
it, was to gain the Old, and therefore he not only
plyed her with Wine but gave her some halfe-crown
pieces, at the sight of this she called him
Son and told him he should be welcome.
He pulling out his money discovered some fair
Medals which he shewing to the young woman,
and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept
of them, thus he having laid the bait, did not
question but the Fish would in time be taken, he
only waited on them to their Lodgings that night,
but promising to revisit them the next day, neither
was he worse then his word, but before hand
he sent several bottles of Wine.
And at this second converse he made so large a
progress in his business, that he discovered that
she was not displeased with his Company; He
finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could
with her to the main point, but she checked him
there, being resolved not to be won so easily; but
he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed
so close that he brought her to his bent, and
received the satisfaction he desired, She not distrusting
the mischief that was intended her, gave
him all freedom with her, and he was seldom
out of her Company but when the Old Man had
appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving
on his project ventured on one of the
desperatest discourses that has been heard of.
.tb
It is not to be questioned but that he who had
been so Universal a Courtier of Women, and that
of all sorts, had met with those one time or another
that had paid him off, and he was used to
brag himself to be more then a Gentlemen, for
.bn 317.png
.pn +1
he had been oftner then three times at Haddam,
he was so well acquainted with all the effects of
that disease, and the Remedies against it that he
made nothing of it, and he knew several of his
quondam Ladies who were then well peppered,
to one of these he went, and it was not very difficult
for him to purchase that of them which they
would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he
easily attained his desires, and being thus accompanied,
he went to his fresh Mistress, and made
her participate in that disease which she had till
then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming
soon after in his turn and thinking to have his
pleasure with her, had it for the present, but was
so paid off that entring into a course of Physick
to cure himself of his disease, he was brought so
weak that he fell into another though less troublesom
yet more dangerous, which was not long in
operating its desired effects, for it carried him to
his Grave. And thus did our undertaker perform
his undertaking, and his Companion was so much
a Gentleman as to perform his promise to give
the sum of Mony for his reward that had been
agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only
made use of this young Woman as an Instrument
to bring his purpose to effect, caused the young
man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly
endured and done.
His Companion was now the better man as
having the more Money; but our Gallants stock
held out to spend with him, and neither of them
made any spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of
his lewd courses, took some of her old Husbands
acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded
him to take up before all were spent, using
.bn 318.png
.pn +1
many arguments to induce him to good Husbandry,
and propounding some course for him to take to
redeem himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions,
and only flouted and laughed at them; telling
them that he was resolved to make his dead
Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some
Friends telling him in his life time I would spend
his Estate after his death, he answered that so I
might if I would, but he was certain that I would
never take so much pleasure in spending it, as he
had in getting it. And therefore said he I am resolved
to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures,
that I may disprove him, and besides (continued
he) do you think I am mad to preserve or
keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully
gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I
am sure it would be to no purpose to attempt it, for
I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy any part
of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution,
by this his Extravagant answer, left him; and
he prosecuted his old course of Life so long, that he
began really to want Money, and had still spent his
Money before he could receive it, some Debts he
had still owing him, which supplied him sometimes
by fits and girds. He had dealt with a Taylor who
had taken much money of him, and gained well by
him, but he still paid him one under another, and
was still in his debt for the last, this Taylor seeing
his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the winding
up of the bottom he might loose as much as he
had gained, waited on him very diligently for his
Money, & pretended such urgent occasions for
Mony that he in the end got clear with him.
Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes,
but he gave him only good words and put him off
.bn 319.png
.pn +1
from time to time, till one day our Gentleman meeting
this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was
not so good as his word to make him a new suit, for
said he you know I have been no ill Customer, I owe
you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you
do owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a
very considerable one; why I do not care to deal
with you, nor no others of your temper, what reason
reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor)
you do pay me, but you do call for my Bill, and
pay me so suddenly after I have delivered the
Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so
much by you as I do by other Gentlemen, who
staying a great while after their Cloathes are made,
and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for
a Bill, or talk of payment, I have the conveniency
to enlarge what and how I please because
it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out
they have not the conveniency of comparing the
Bill and cloaths together, this continued the Taylor
is a sufficient reason why I do not care for dealing
with you further, thus did this Taylor make his
excuses which reflecting rather on his own ill dealing
then our Gallants, it passed very well with the
Company, and our Gallant understanding that
his credit was justified could not be angry, but
however he knew the Taylor meant quite contrary
to what he had said, and he finding his credit
would go no further there, and some of his
Companions hearing this discourse with him and
his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been
mad, and engaged our Gentleman to make use
of his, and his Taylor upon the report of
this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he
desired, but he did not find the discourse made
good for he was forced to wait a long time for his
.bn 320.png
.pn +1
Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony
was almost all gone, and being Monyless he was
inforced to look out some melancholly place to
spin away the time in, upon this account he was a
great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were
pleasant, melancholly, and withal safe, for there
he was out of danger of being arrested, which he
began now to dread, and this walk turned him to
a more profitable account as I shall presently relate
to you; one day he being very melancholly
in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who
had Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance,
they salute each other, and so walk
about for some time, at length, the Gentleman
tells our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon,
for he could no longer walk with him, being
ingaged to cross the water about an affair of Consequence;
it then happened to rain, and therefore
our Extravagant told him sure Sir you will not
go before the Shower is over; that matters not
much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for
my Cloak, and thereupon called for a Porter and
directed him to his Chamber, to command his
servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and
fetched it accordingly, and so the Gentleman
putting it on, departed.
Our Extravagant observing this accordingly,
and now being in Querpo without a Cloak, thought
he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he were
discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon
he calls a Porter and sends him to a chamber,
whose Master was of his acquaintance, and whom
he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter
to fetch his Cloak from thence, named himself
the Master of the Chamber; the Porter went,
.bn 321.png
.pn +1
and the Servant who attended in the Chamber
knowing that his Master was but newly gone out,
and believing he might have occasion for his
Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it
to our Extravagant, who now having a Cloak
marched off, being provided for against a shower
of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing
it would be dangerous to wear that Cloak
which was remarkably known among his aquaintance,
having Gold Buttons, he marched to Long-Lane,
and exchanged it for a Coat of a different
colour, and had Money to boot, and now having
succeeded so well in this first attempt and being
resolved to try further, he thought fit to acquaint
this Broker that he had several Cloaks that he
would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed
he should be very welcom, and he would
deal very honestly with him, and so he left him,
and the next day he plyed his business, so that
in the manner aforementioned, taking his due
observations, gained three Cloaks more, and before
the week was at an end he had ten or twelve,
being Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with
his Broker, and exchanged for a very handsom
suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his
Pocket, and now he was set up again.
He again marches to the Gaming House, and
there in short time looses all his ill purchased
Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together,
having been so much talked of by the
Owners, he thought it would be to no purpose to
attempt that trick any further, but knowing he
had a Merchant his Broker, who would deal with
him for any thing of Cloaths, he went to the
Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons
.bn 322.png
.pn +1
from Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace
from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay sometimes
he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and
this trade he did drive a long time, and as fast
as he was Master of any such purchase he sold it
to the Broker who received all that came, and
although he knew our Extravagant could not
come honestly by these purchases, yet he still encouraged
him to bring him more.
And was so kind to him that being arrested
by his Landlord for five pound for Lodging and
Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set
him at liberty, he promising to repay him in a
short time, by such things as he should bring in.
But he being at liberty and following his old
Trade, and finding that although he brought
much grist to the Mill, still carried some of his
Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little
money of him, for in the first place he gave him
less price, and then withal stop’d most part of
the money for the old Debt, he considering of
this was resolved to leave the Broker and make
the best of his markets elsewhere, and so he did;
but the Broker soon discovered him, and in revenge
caused him to be arrested and clapt up
into the Counter, from whence he had lately
redeemed him.
Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to
his Mother, but she was as deaf to him as he
had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite
on the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that
Prison, and understanding that Ludgate was far
better, resolved to remove himself thither, but
first he again tryed what his Mother would do,
but she although the Debt was but four pounds
.bn 323.png
.pn +1
would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty
shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would
disburse it, but the Broker was inexorable, would
have all or none which he understanding, in a
humour writ these Lines.
.pm start_poem
Oh how with misery I my Mothers Darling
To be thus chackled but for four pound Starling,
By a base Broker who I know’s a thief,
And merits Newgate and wants relief,
And now I’m forc’d to go Guds Dud
To the dwelling of that old King Lud.
If e’re I pay him I am soundly cheated,
If I ne’re pay him then he is defeated,
But if he will take half the debt for whole,
My Mother then i’m sure will pay the Cole.
.pm end_poem
.bn 324.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XXIII.
.pm start_summary
Our extravagants wild humours whilst he is in the
Compter, from whence he being released falls into
the Company of House-Breakers, and by their
assistance robs a Milliners Shop where the Constable
kept his Watch.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
Thus did necessity cause our Extravagant to
be witty, and he shewing these Verses to
some friends they promised to assist him with his
Mother, but she rather chose to maintain him in
Prison then pay the debt, all the small moveables,
as Cloak, Sword and Belt,
Bands, Caravats, and all other things that he
could spare, he parted from and converted them
into Ale. Some friends one Fast day went to
see him, and he being glad of Company caused
them to stay most part of the day, but it being
Fast-day, the Parson belonging to the Compter,
according to custom gave the Prisoners a Sermon,
during that time the Cellar door was shut up, no
drink was delivered out, all were ingaged to
assist and hear the Parson, our Extravagant was
very much troubled at this obstruction in his
drinking, and his friends could not perswade him
to any patience, but he when the Parson was in
the middle of his Sermon, looking out at a Window
neer the Pulpit heard him say I have two or
three points more and then I conclude, I would
you would said our Extravagant that we might
have some drink. The Parson stared at him, and
so did the people who were near him and heard
his words, but he seeing the Parson went on,
turned away, saying come since we can have no
.bn 325.png
.pn +1
drink, lets take Tobacco till we can, and so went
away.
The Parson after he had done preaching, came
to our to examine him privately, but his
answers were so Extravagant that there was no
good to be done with him, and now not having any
employment he gave himself wholly to fudling, and
when he had not Money, and his Mothers allowance
was spent, he spunged with all Companies, and got
acquainted with all the Prisoners that came into
the house, and this his Imprisonment did make him
worse, for he conversed with all the debauched persons
that were there, and now he could not act, he
gloryed in the Relation of his former lewd debaucheries,
so that at length his Mother at the perswasion
of friends agreed and paid his Debt and Charges,
and took him home to her house.
By reason of his confinement, he had contracted a
disease, wherefore it was necessary for him to stay
within doors for some time, and take Physick, but
he being restored to his former health, was a suitor
to his Mother for new Cloathes and Money in his
Poket, she refused him both for the present, not
thinking it fit as yet to trust him, wherefore he
gave her very ill words.
.tb
Thus you may see what a hopeful amendment here
was, and as he was debauched himself, so I believe
it was his desire that his Son should be so; for as
I told you he had been married in the Countrey to
a person of Quality, but he had basely left her and
rambled about the Town, and though he heard soon
after his coming to London that she was brought
to bed of a boy, he took no heed nor care about it, but
when he was asked by friends whether he had not a
desire to see his young Son, he replyed, no, he cared
.bn 326.png
.pn +1
not to see him till he was about thirteen or fourteen
years of age, and then he only desired that he might
see him to enter him at a Baudy-house.
.tb
By this discourse you may judge of his inclination,
and his Mother now refusing him money, he
would purloyn a silver Spoon or some other piece of
plate, and convert it into Pocket mettle, and being
once furnished with money he would go seek out
Company. Those that had any grace or honesty
would refuse to accompany him, and therefore he
got into the company of such Bulkers and Pick
pockets as he had known whilst he was in the
Counter, and now he employed his industry in contriving
ways with them to get a purchase, and being
one day at a Milliners or Haberdashers shop,
who was related to him, he asked the Master to lend
him half a piece, he refused him the money, but gave
him very good counsel, if he had had the grace to
receive it, and make use of it as he ought. But it
was to as little purpose to speak to him at that rate,
as it had been to endeavor to wash the Black-more
white, both labour in vain, and our Extravagant
was so angry at his friend for it; that he told him
that he might have found somewhat else to do, and
since he had not, he would ere long find him some
other imployment, somewhat else to talk about, and
so left him; and now being resolved what to do, he
went and found out some of his forementioned acquaintance,
Bulkers or House-breakers, and telling
them he had a great desire to assist them in robbing
of the Milliners shop, which he told them was very
well furnished with good ready Mony, Commodities,
Silk and Silk ribboning, Gloves and such like
wares, they liked the design well enough, and now
they asked him the place where, but here appeared
.bn 327.png
.pn +1
a very great obstacle; for this Milliners shop was
in such a place as was very difficult to be robb’d, it
being the very next door to the Watch-house, where
the Constable and watch generally sat. This they
told him would be dangerous to attempt; but he
affirming the more danger the more honour,and that
he was resolved it should be done, and he knew how
to do it handsomely if they would be ruled by him;
they promised their assistance to the execution of this
design. It was necessary there should be five or six
persons, wherefore they making up that company,
and he being one of that number, and all things
provided according to his order and directions, about
ten of the Clock at night they set forwards. They
divided themselves into two parts or companies and
our Extravagant and two others that went into an
Ale-house at some small distance from the Watch
house. There they called for drink, and soon began
their work, which was to quarrel with one another,
they were armed with swords, then they drew and
began a scuffle, one of the three runs up to the
Watch, and cries out Murther, Murther; The Constable
hearing the noise, and doubting there might
be sufficient cause, took all his Watch-men to attend
Him, but he found no great trouble to appease this
quarrel, which being ended, he with his Watch returned
to his Rendezvous: In this time the other
three had not been idle, but so soon as ever the Constables
back was turned, they broke open the Shop
Door they intended to rob, and it was not very difficult
so to do, for it was not so strongly barricado’d,
as otherwise it might have been, because of
the safety the owner thought he was in, by reason
of the Constables sitting there.
The Shop being opened they laid about them, and
.bn 328.png
.pn +1
knowing where the best Commodities lay, they soon
removed them, and not packing them up so handsomely
as the Owner would have done for his Customer,
they only threw them together into two Sacks
they had brought, which being filled, away they
marched; so that by such time as the Constable
and Watch returned, they had dispatched their
business and were gone.
The Constable before morning discovered the
Shop Door to be open, but did suppose it had been
left so, by the negligence of them that shut it up,
wherefore he left two Watchmen at the Door to guard
it. The next Morning the Master came and wondred
to see a Guard upon his Door, asked the reason.
They told him what they supposed, but he
found it much otherwise, and although there were his
Drawers and Boxes, yet they were empty, there
were the Nests but the Birds were flown, immediately
a Hue and Cry went out against those parties
they could describe, but to little purpose, for they
escaped, and were far enough off from being discovered.
The next day they shared their prize, and
converting it into Mony, our extravagant’s share
came to above 25l. and now that he was possessed
of so considerable a Sum of Mony, he was desirous
that all the world should know it, and therefore it
being inconvenient to carry so much about him in
Silver, he changed 20l. into Gold.
.bn 329.png
.pn +1
.sp 4
.h2
CHAP. XXIV.
.pm start_summary
Our Extravagant puts a notable cheat upon a Merchant
for 100l. He and one of his Companions
being at a Washerwomans see her handsomly revenged
on a Bayliff.
.pm end_summary
.sp 2
.dc 0.2 0.7
Our Extravagant being Master of this Money,
and knowing the difficulty of getting more,
was resolved to look out betimes. He was drinking
with some Friends at a Tavern neer the Exchange,
London, and it being the busie time of the
day, Exchange time, several Companies were put
into one Room though at several Tables: He was
not so busie in attending the discourse of his own
Company, but that he gave great attention to
what was said by that Company who sat at the
next table. He soon understood that their discourse
was about Money; and that one of the Company
expected Two Hundred Pounds to be paid
him by and by. He hearing that there was business
of that consequence began to contrive within
himself, how he might be Master of some of it;
many contrivances he had, and many fancies ran
in his brain, but none would do, none would take
at present, however he and his Company still
drank on, and that so long that the promised 200l.
was brought thither and paid to the Person, who
was there ready to receive it. The Money being
paid, he who was now Master of it, delivers it to
a servant that attended him, and ordered him to
carry it home, and deliver it to his Mistres, he
further observed that this Money was intended to
be suddainly paid away again, for part of a Ship,
which he then agreed with one of the Company
.bn 330.png
.pn +1
to buy of him; and also he observed that the next
day all the Company were to meet there again
to participate of a Collation that the Person who
had received the Money was to bestow on the
rest. All these passages, and several others, as their
Names, and the qualities of most of the Persons
there present, he gained from the discourse he had
heard. He being thus instructed was resolved to
try his wits to the utmost, and if possible be Master
of some of this Money, and that without the
help, advice, or assistance of any other. He beats
his brains about it all that night, and the next day
making himself as spruce and fine as he could, and
being laden with the rich Cargoe of Twenty pieces
of Gold, and sufficient spending Money besides, he
sailed on to the Exchange, and there knowing several
of the Yesterdays Company both by sight and
name, he soon found out the Person who was to
sell part of the Ship, and understanding that he
was a Sea-Captain, who wanted Owners, he bore
up to him, and tels him that he was willing to
hold a part with him, whereupon the Captain invites
him to their intended Dinner, and he accepting
the invitation, and being come thither
upon a farther discourse, he seemed pretty well
content with the bargain, and told the Captain
that at the next days Exchange he would resolve
him about it. Their discourse being ended, Dinner
was called for but it not being yet ready, he who
was the Invitor seemed to be very angry for the
delay, for said he, I commanded it to be ready
between One and Two, and now by my Watch it
is between Two and Three, our Merchant seeing
a Watch drawn, said, I pray Sir let me see it,
.bn 331.png
.pn +1
and having it in his hand, highly commended it
for its richness and good workmanship, for it had
two Gold Cases, and desired to know the Price
what it did cost, the Owner replyed Twenty Pound,
I like it so well, replyed our Merchant, that I wish
I had such another for the Price, (and continued
he to the Owner) I shall be much obliged to you,
if you will lend it me for One Hour or Two, to
shew it to my Watchmaker, who is now in hand
with one for me; and Sir, that you may assure
your self of the return of it to you, here is
Twenty Pieces of good old Gold, I will leave in
your hands: When would you have it, replyed the
Owner, even just now, said our Merchant, for I must
needs step home instantly, and I can call on my
Watch-maker, by the way, and when I return to
you hither, which I promise you shall be within two
Hours, I will bring it and return it you. I, but Sir,
said the Captain, I hope you will not leave us, but
stay and Dine here, indeed I cannot, said our Merchant
you must pardon me at present, an urgent
affair calls me, but in Two Hours I shall have dispatched
it, and then I will return and drink a Glass
of Wine with you. The Owner of the Watch seeing
that he made these excuses, and not distrusting his
Watch, as he had little reason to do, because he had
more than the worth in his hands, delivered the
Watch to our Counterfeit, who takes his leave, and
calling a Coach, caused the Coach-man to drive directly
to the house of the owner of the Watch;
when he came there, he asked for the good Woman,
and without any circumstantial discourse, tells
her that he left her Husband in such a Tavern,
with such Company, and that he had gone through
with his bargain about the Sixteenth part of
.bn 332.png
.pn +1
such a Ship; that the Sum agreed upon was 100l.
that the Captain who was to receive it had ordered
it to him, who was now come for it; and Mistress
(said he) I should give you such sufficient tokens
for the delivery of it, as I hope you will do it
without any distrust. Therefore in the first place,
said he, the 100l. I must have, is part of 200l. your
Husband did receive yesterday, and sent home to
you by your Servant, and to convince you of the
truth of all, as an infallible token, I have here
brought your Husband’s Watch, and thereupon
he drew it out, and shew’d it to her. She knowing
that all he had said was true, and viewing the
watch, & knowing that to be the same, and finding
that he told his tale without any hesitation, stopping,
or stamering, did not at all distrust him, but
went up stairs & fetcht down the Money. He ordered
the Coach-man to drive him to his Quarters,
and there he secured the Money, and thanked his
Stars for thus favourably assisting him in this affair,
where he had come off without so much as a Rub,
and that better than he expected, for he did suppose
that to purchase this 100l. it would have cost
him the Twenty Pieces of Gold,for he expected that
the good Woman would have desired him to leave
the Watch behind with her, as her warrant for the
delivery of the Money, which if she had, he could not
have refused it, and now he had Money and Watch
too, wherefore having had so good success he was
resolved to try his good fortune a little further,
and therefore away he went to the Tavern, where
he had left the Captain and Owner of the Watch.
They had hardly Dined, so that he had part of a
good Dinner, was welcomed by all the Company,
who in his absence had enquired of one another,
.bn 333.png
.pn +1
who this unknown Merchant was, and seeing him
so full of Gold, they doubted not his ability, but
they were resolved to treat him handsomely, which
they did, and the Dinner being ended, he redelivered
the Watch, and received back his Gold,
with a Complement from the Owner, that he
begg’d his pardon for taking any thing as an engagement,
and desiring his further acquaintance;
but Dinner being ended, and a good quantity of
Wine brush’d off, they promising to meet the next
day at the Exchange, departed, I suppose they all
did meet, especially the owner of the Watch, to
enquire of the Captain, for his Merchant, and also
the Captain, to conclude his begun bargain with
our Counterfeit Merchant, but he, although he had
made them a fair promise to meet, yet he came
not there, he had other Eggs on the Spit, his
affairs lay now at the other end of the Town, and
although he had made as profitable a bargain the
last Exchange-time, as most Merchants that came
thither, yet he had no mind to return thither in
hast. But with all the hast he could, he removed
his Money and Quarters to the other end of the
Town, and that he might pass the more securely
undiscovered; he left off his Merchant-like habit,
wherein he had performed his exploit, and put
on Cloaths more modish and gallant, with a Sword
and Belt, and large Perriwig, in this disguise
he passed without any discovery, by those
who sought out for him, but one of his Extravagant
acquaintance meeting him, although
thus accoutred, soon knew him, and believing
that some Extraordinary adventure had fallen
out, was very desirous to be acquainted with it,
wherefore that they might compare notes together,
.bn 334.png
.pn +1
they put in to the next Tavern, our Extravagant’s
Companion saw by this disguisement,
that there was somewhat in the wind, somewhat
extraordinary had befallen him, and withall that
he was shy in declaring it, wherefore to the end
that he might induce him, to tell him how squares
went with him, he told him that he had had a
very luck since they parted last; for, said he, I
met with a brave Prize within these two days
which I carried off with very little hazard or danger,
and this it was, I was sauntring about the
streets, to see and observe where I might get a
purchase, and at length I observed a Coach was
called for, it was neer Aldgate, and it was just
about the dusk of the Evening, I having nothing
else to do, resolved to see what Company was to
go in the Coach, and therefore waited not long,
but saw it was only a Woman and a Child, and
withall there was two bundles of Linnen. I seeing
there was no more Company, was resolv’d to
be Master of one of those bundles, neither did I
question to do it with ease enough, I observed
which way the Coach drove, and went along with
it. There was so many Passengers with Lanthorns,
Links and Torches walking backwards and
forwards, that I was forced to Laquey this Woman
till the Coach had brought her to the Stocks
in the Poultrey, there observing it to be a narrow
dark place, and no lights neer me, and having
my purchase in my eye, I soon had it in my
hand and slapt it under my Coat.
The Woman saw me seize it, and therefore
cryed out immediately, but the Coachman not
presently hearing of her, and he driving on towards
Cheapside, I thought it would be necessary
.bn 335.png
.pn +1
for me to march off another way, and so I did,
returning back again, but not the very same way
we had come, that is, down Cornhil, but now returning
back by Lombardstreet, I did hear the
Woman cry out, Hold Coachman, I am rob’d!
but I suppose he driving one way, and I running
another, I was got to Gracious-street, and he to
Cheapside before he stopt, and so then it was to
no purpose to look after me, for I soon crossed
London Bridge, and went to my old Quarters in
Southwark; when I came there I undid my fardle,
but it was filled with such a parcel, as I
understood very little, I think there was 100 several
pieces of fowl Linnen, which upon examination,
I found to be Childbed Linnen, and withall
there was Blankets and Mantles, but above
all there was the Unum necessarium, a parcel of
good ready Money, Ten Pieces of good old Gold,
and Five Pounds in Silver, the sight of this
pleased my eyes, and I thanked my stars for my
good fortune. Although (continued he) I knew
not so well what to do with the Linnen, as I did
with the money, yet I knew it was too good to
be thrown away, and that it would fetch good
ready money, but in the pickle it was in, I thought
it not convenient to offer it to sell, wherefore I
resolved to have it washed, and in order thereto,
said he, I am now going to an old acquaintance,
a Woman who gets the best part of her living by
washing and starching, and I intend to intrust her
not only to wash and starch, but also to sell this
Commodity for me. And (this concluded he) is
my business at present, and now I have told you
mine, I pray acquaint me with yours.
.bn 336.png
.pn +1
Our Extravagant understanding from his acquaintance,
that he had lately gained a Prize,
and by that concluding that he was not in want of
money, so that he was not obliged to impart any
of his Prize to him, which is a customary thing
between Persons of that quality, he therefore
without much perswasions acquainted him with
his late good fortune in the adventure of the 100l.
This discourse us’d, the business of drinking
being over, our Extravagant’s Companion desired
him to go with him a little way to the old
Laundress, he spake of, that he might deliver his
Pack of smal things to her ordering and dispose,
he was not hard to be entreated, wherefore away
they went together. But when they came there,
they found the old Woman all in tears, for she
being in debt a Sum of Money, that she was not
able to pay, and an Attachment having been
brought against her Goods, she not having Money
or skill to defend the Suit, her adversary had obtained
Judgement against her, and thereupon the
execution was deliver’d into the Bayliffs hands,
who at this very minute that our Extravagants
came, was come also to seize the Goods, and this
was the occasion of the old Womans Lamentation.
She gave the Bayliff all the good words she
could, and they not prevailing, she fell to railing
and scolding, but it was all one to him, he minded
her not, but proceeded in executing his Office,
and delivered out to his Man all the poor Womans
goods, one piece after another, and there
was nothing now remaining, but a kittle which
stood on a Trevet over the Fire, and the Utensils
of the Chimney. He told her he must have the
Kettle, but she might take out the Cloathes, she
.bn 337.png
.pn +1
saying they were none of hers, but she refusing to
empty the Kettle, he took it off from the Fire,
and threw the water and Cloathes that was in it
about the house. The old Woman seeing this,
and being resolved to be revenged on him, took
the Tongs in her hands, and with them took up
the Trevet, which was red hot, and lifting it up,
clapt it about the Bayliffs neck, saying, Since you
will have all, then you shall have all. He was
quickly so sensible of the fire, that he roared and
cryed out like a Mad-man, and believing that it
would burn him to death, for it had already made
his flesh fry, to save his Neck and Shoulders, was
forced to take it hot as it was, into his hands, to
throw it off: This adventure was like to have
proved Tragical to the hard-hearted Bayliff, who
with much difficulty disingaged himself. But our
two Extravagants were extreamly well-pleased
with the Washer-womans Revenge, as we hope
the Reader will be; and now we shall put an end
to this Fourth Part: And, if (as we hope) you
are pleased with what is already written, we shall
in short time give you greater pleasure and satisfaction
in the Continuation of our Extravagants
adventures, which shall be fully finished in a Fifth
and Last Part.
.ce
FINIS.
.ni
.dv class='tnotes'
.ce
Transcriber’s Note.
While acknowledging the author’s sentiment in the Preface regarding
errors, spelling in that era was extremely variable, and any corrections
made here were limited to the most obvious lapses. As the table below
will show, ‘e/c’, and ‘u/n’ errors, as well as doubled words, were most common.
The word ‘Gaol’ is printed interchangeably as ‘Goal’, and all
such instances are retained.
Due to the variability of hyphenation, where a hyphenation occurs on a line
or page break, the hyphen is retained or removed based on the preponderance
of the same word elsewhere. Where there are no other or similar instances,
the decision was based on modern usage.
The following table summarizes the issues encountered, and their
resolution:
.ta l:10 l:43 l:15
| As to the verity of those ingenio[n/u]s Exploits, | Replaced.
| a large [M/D]ish of most incomparable | Replaced.
| [e/c]onfession at the Gallows of all her former | Replaced.
| a Merchant of Naples, pay[a]able| Removed.
| I took exact noti[e/c]e of his Unkles name, | Replaced.
| finally co[n/u]nselling me | Replaced.
| but first I[ I] plumm’d the depth of the Vault | Removed.
| [(]which proved to be a Practice of Piety) | Added.
| yo[n/u]r walk | Replaced.
| if I were aloft, a[ ]head, or abaft | Added.
| was deeply musing [m/w]ith myself | Replaced.
| I laying them [caresly] upon the Dresser | sic
| lasht me with [VV/W]hipcord | Recorded.
| till we set Sail.[’] | Added.
| daring to s[h/t]ay longer in London | Replaced.
| nor encouraging as the Anabaptists; and finding that [that] | Removed.
| expensive Courts[t/h]ip, | Replaced.
| against Shadwell-Do[e/c]k. | Replaced.
| I knew qui[e/c]kly | Replaced.
| won threescore and upward[,/.] | Replaced.
| those ill [i/t]idings, | Replaced.
| an errant piece of impuden[e/c]e | Replaced.
| prosecuti[u/n]g his more serious affairs | Replaced.
| to increase their [fl/st]ore | Replaced.
| who was [not] only well cliented | sic Missing?
| Ames[, /-]Ace, | Replaced.
| A Gentlem[e/a]n who was well stored | Replaced.
| at great Cost and Charges[./,] in the Provision aforesaid | Replaced.
| to the place w[h]ere our Old Fellow was | Added.
| our young[s] mans Father | Removed.
| her best Wea[l]th; | Added.
| Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts[,] Bands, Caravats, | Added.
| came to our Extrav[a]gant to examine him privately | Added.
.ta-
.dv-